Chronic pain undermines Marriage
 

I need recommendations for counseling services for my husband and myself. I have been dealing with chronic pain(peripheral nueropathy) for nearly 3 years now and my marriage is severelly damaged. I would really appreciate any feedback on workshops or therapists in the Northern California/Bay area regions of California. We have done some therapy through our childrens therapist(adoption therapy), but it is not working out. We are a whisper away from divorce and I don't want to go there.... I would really like someone who understands chronic pain and its impact on a relationship/family.

Any feedback would be appreciated

I'm wondering if better advice/suggestions might be proffered in the chronic pain, peripheral neuropathy, or caregiver support (if that applies) forums.

Google: "chronic pain" marriage counseling california workshops

Best wishes,

Dr. Smith gave you some good advice. I'm also wondering if perhaps you AND your husband could speak with your doctor -- are you seeing a pain management doctor?

Maybe if your husband understood chronic pain better, it would help. It's more than just "hurting all the time." If affects all areas of our life -- and your husband obviously doesn't understand that. Maybe if you took him with you to a doctors' appointment, the doc could explain it better.

Best of luck -- I'm sorry you're having to go thru this along with suffering chronic pain. God bless. Hugs, Lee

Thank you Dr. Smith and Leesa.

Dr. Smith - Is there a way to move this thread over to another forum?
I haven't yet googled the combo you recommended and hopfully it will show me a workshop. I have found therapists that work with chronic pain and couplse counsling, bu tso far none of them takes insurance, nor have I found a workshop/clinic/retreat intense type therapy session that our therapist has reccommended.

Leesa, thank you for your advice. My husband does go to many of my appointments, but he just blocks them all out now. He blocks out my pain, and focuses on my behavor instead. Its sad - we've both done that to each other. We really need to find a work together and not let tension,stress and my pain and disability get in the way.

Just copy (Ctrl-c) exactly what's in bold letters and paste (Ctrl-v) directly into a google search window. ;)

I sort of understand that, and I don't. When I was very young and foolish, I accidentally stepped on my (then) fiancees glasses and broke them. Having perfect eyesight (at the time) I was insensitive how important they were to her - not realizing how blind she was without them, and putting a low priority on getting them fixed. The next time I came home from work she was in tears because she couldn't see to do anything. To try to understand (and perhaps as some kind of penance) I went blindfolded for a day, and it (pardon the ironic humor) opened my eyes. :yikes:

It's a lesson neither of us have ever forgotten. Now in later life, we're both extremely sensitive to each others' pain & suffering, accompany each other to doctors (and take notes/ask questions) and act as mutual caregivers.

I don't know if it would help for him to monitor/join some caregiver support groups, or talk to some spouses in similar situations. I can imagine some things that may be going through his mind, and IMO, he needs to be set straight.

My best wishes for you both,

Doc

Something that helped my relationship was to completely stop talking about the P/N. My mother had it along with F/M and Parkinsons and I dreaded having to see her to the point I was totally stressed out before I even got there and I did love my mum however there is only so much I could listen to.

My partner started to get the same glazed over look that I used to get when she was with me. There was resentment on my behalf because she didnt understand but how could she? she isnt me and DR SMITH gave a good analogy with the glasses. In Pain and not being understood = frustration = anger :(

I no longer ever ever mention it but she can see me wince at a 9 or 10 shock and can see me limp etc. When it gets really bad I go to bed but Never talk about P/N , whats the point?

Good luck , really hoping you can work through this.

Zorro brings up an excellent point from the other side of things. We all go through a learning curve with any kind of chronic pain, and one thing we learn is that talking about it, even though it preoccupies us as the painees, turns normies off. I lost a lot of friends and social invitations until it dawned on me that when people ask, "How are you?" it's just an expression - they don't usually really want to know (some exceptions of course).

I made a vow that pain/medical stuff is only to be talked about with people who do understand, and even then only in a support capacity/setting (like HERE). When I stopped talking about it, I thought about it less, and friends started coming back.... s-l-o-w-l-y.

Spouses should be among those we can open up to/with, but even so, there should be limits, or it can drive a wedge. My wife tends to worry about me so much she asks if I'm alright, or how I'm doing, several times a day, and that can drive me nuts. Communication is paramount in any relationship; she's learned to back off a bit (bit of a control freak) and I've learned to answer the unasked question much as Zorro has - with a look/expression.

We also make it a point to have many evenings/days when certain stressful topics are just taboo - let 'em go for a few hours and enjoy the things we always have together - watch a movie, play a game, dinner with friends.... There's still conversation - just normal conversation.

Doc

When people ask me, I just say that I am fine and go on right away and ask them how they are. That way it gets the conversation away from me. Sometimes I think it's just a knee jerk reaction to asking how I am. Or if they ask anyone else for that matter.

I'm lucky though as my better half understands as he also has pain. For most people it's just a part of getting older. :(

:D That is so true!
Could you imagine If chronic pain people told the truth?

How are you?

Oh you know , feeling a bit more suicidal than usual this morning , ended up bawling all night due to being burnt alive from the inside out on a pain level of 12/10 and Im maxed out on anti seizure meds and pain killers plus anti depressants all at once mind you so not sure if Im hallucinating or this conversation is real, anyway Im about to call an ambulance to get to an ER.

So how are you?

Could you imagine actually saying that to anyone. I would like to see the look on that persons face.
My friends actually make fun of me because whenever they ask I say I am fine. There are a select few I will tell the truth but I don't even do that often.

I think people actually do care. They just can't do anything for us so they feel helpless.
My kids don't always ask even when they know I am not doing well. I was insulted by that but I had a talk with my daughter and she told me it scares her. She feels helpless, and I found out that she is afraid this might cripple me or worse yet take my life. I explained to her that is not going to happen. I also found out that my girls are afraid of this being genetic. The point is I would have never have known what she was thnking if I hadn't asked. Sometimes I think I know what someone is thinking and find out it is the complete opposite.
Blaine I hope you find a good therapist that can help both you and your husband let each other know how you're feeling. It must be so hard for you to have this added to your pain. Good Luck, hopeful