advice request concerning behavioral changes in girlfriend with asd (diag. 3yrs ago)
 

My significant other has recently taken to a bait and switch distancing following initiating plans, leaving me to chase her repeatedly, souring our connection and pushing me to my wits end. Relations during our courtship (a period between 3 months ago and 6 weeks ago) were very intimate and pleasant, barring some medication (snri/benzo/d-salts) and family driven difficulties which I helped her through. She made the step to secure me in a relationship last month the night I took her on a surprise vacation for her birthday. It caught me off guard, I can tell you that. Since then demons from her past have begun to haunt her, increasing her anxiety levels, something she continually brings up to excuse any repeated flaking without canceling. I am closing in on my wits end, but care about this woman. I feel much of this may relate to her continuation of stimulants -anxiety/fear/negative physical (pns) effects of the stimulant's l isomer, but as well the (would-be positive) resurfacing of a need for extending personal growth -something I think she may be having conflicting thoughts about with regard to our new relationship. I am starting to feel like a stepping stone, used, though not without guilt on her part, however am finding find myself at the breaking point. It really isn't acceptable for her to continually make plans and default on them or to continually defer plans I'd initiated, responding eventually with hollow ego boosting retorts. Within the past three weeks, she has left me holding my %#@! no less than 5 times. I'm so close to losing my cool and just ending it. I would never put up with this from anyone else, but general attributions I'd have normally may not apply in this case. Can anyone offer insight? I'd like to gather some alternative opinions.

Hi danvers
 

Welcome to Neruo Talk. You have found a site with lots of compassion. I am by no means a therapist. I sure hope your Girlfriend would go to someone who can help her through her issues more effectly than you or anyone else could do. If her past is keeping her from a future, those issues should be addressed so both of you could move forward. Being in limbo in a relationship is not fun. Being told she will be there, and then leave you standing is not a good thing to do to a person in any case. That is disrespectful and rude. No hollow compliments to the ego should be accepted. If you allow her to do this, she will continue to do this. Try not to be an enabler to her disfunction. I know you care about her, I respect that. However, at my age (60) I just don't put up with that kind of behavior. I really think if even maybe you both seek help, your relationship would stand a better chance. Life is hard, and two people need to be strong together to have a stable relationship. Pray together, find a way to help each other so you can move forward. I do wish you all the best. This is coming just from an older woman, who wants respect from those I surround myself with. Ginnie

Hi danvers,

You mention ASD diagnosis. Do you mean Asperger's Syndrome?

If you don't mind my asking, how committed are you to your relationship with your girlfriend? I'll tell you now that it may be different from any other relationships you have had in the past.

Maybe she's scared? Just my feeling from reading your post and your explanation of her behaviour since you've been together. That as well as the use of the stimulants. <sigh>

You say she was only diagnosed 3 years ago, which probably means she's been dealing with a war zone most of her life (school, relationships, general day to day life) and not knowing how to deal with it all.

I would suggest reading some information that's available regarding Asperger's and women.

Here's one book...

http://www.tonyattwood.com.au/index....ity&Itemid=621
Connecting with your Asperger Partner - Louise Weston

and also

http://www.tonyattwood.com.au/index....917&Itemid=720
from the book -
Girls and women who have Asperger’s syndrome
Safety Skills by Liane Holliday

Foreword by Prof. Tony Attwood for "Safety Skills for Asperger Women"

I hope it helps a little.


[Tony's site is very large, but there's much useful information there. He's my son's doctor. My son now 24.]

Thanks for the hospitality and consideration Ginnie. To be frank, I agree she requires the support of a professional (in terms of non-psychopharmalogical assistance), though understand her genuine distrust of the system given a long and spotted history of jumping from practitioner to practitioner, diagnosis to diagnosis, medication to medication. Given that we have only in actuality been together as an item for a short time, I doubt a joint effort to seek remediary council would do much other than inject additional negative feelings into the situation. I appreciate your take though, and again agree, as I'd said originally, this may not be worth the frustration -and I should by no means be reinforcing this by concession. I sincerely appreciate your interest and insight.

Hello Laura, thanks for the consideration,
We spent 12 weeks living in my home when she was amidst a drug/life transition and kept each other company through some dull traumas in each of our lives. I have to say that we have or prior to a few weeks ago had amazing chemistry, the kind one gets with a good friend after years, a companionate connection where reading each other and making inside jokes was as easy as thinking them. I've found myself somewhat committed to her, her health/happiness and since she restarted stimulants, she is cold, lackingly witty, avoidant, anxious, moody, standoffish... She says she is scared (relating to the downfall of past relationships, getting hurt, and piecing her life back together), but ends up making plans with others and maybe placating? me with gifts and compliments... Prior, weeks before even, I'd been the individual who she looked to for rationality, comfort, and intellectual stimulation -I'm not sure... it is just as though I am being left out of the equation and viewed as an afterthought, though as it is painted, I am the primary consideration -despite the avoidant behavior. I've looked into those links, and well if there is any insight there, it is subtle and buried in the material. I can say that I feel the second link provides a somewhat accurate archetype of who she can be sometimes... I know what I'd do in a relationship with one not of such a condition, but feel this is different. Idk, will get back with a bit more... just- well, been a long night

Sorry, I mistyped- Lara (no editing until I have a certain amount of posts it seems, like the chat.