Terrified of the future
 

This hits me on a pretty regular basis. Just freak'n worried. I am currently on disability insurance that run out in May. I am only able to work 12 hours a week and to be honest, I do very little.

D day will most certainly come and I will have to choose a path. Realistically, I am not ready for working. I have moments of clarity and can access my intelligence, but then whoosh, it's gone. Push just a little bit for a couple of days and I am super dizzy, disoriented, and trouble speaking. Everythink I do is in S l o w m o t I o n. Ha ha, look at my type-o, "everythink" is a better word anyhow, it makes more sense! :D

Im sure many of you feel like this. Fear of not improving, financial fear, fear of losss, etc, etc.

I was a hard worker who loved being a leader in my workplace, loved the work and the people. I was a very passionate soccer player who would give everything on the pitch. I played 90% of a game with a fractured and displaced tailbone! I loved being around friends. Life was full of hard work, fun and passion.

Who am I without all of this??? I lost my identity. Now, I need to create a new one. I think I need to resist accepting who I have been for the last 2.5 years. If I could just feel better, I could do more. Hhhmmmm. Ah well, just sharing and guessing some of you may relate.

If you read this far, thanks for letting me babble away. :rolleyes:

By the way, I work very hard at staying positive and I truly believe that I will continue to improve, I just don't know if my career will give me the years I probably need to be a productive person again.

C'est la vie!

XSoccergal

Yeah i know what you mean, although i didnt lose much of my life after having a brain injury things still suck A LOT.

I didnt do much to begin with because i was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis at the beginning of march of last year. Forcing me to stay home until i came out of a flare-up so i could get a job. Then i decided stepping on a metal gardening rake and hitting myself in the face would be a good idea :rolleyes:

I'd imagine that it really must suck going from being that athletic and playing soccer for years, then turn around and barely being able to hold a conversation with someone..

Things will get better though, positive thinking is the key (=

i hope things get better for you, for everyone suffering from a brain injury.

Totally understand where you are coming from Soccergal. I think we are all entitled to have some "freak out" time to contemplate where we go from here. It's only natural to be upset for what we have lost.

The trick (is that even the right word?) is to figure out how to reinvent yourself with the talents/skills you have now.

I know I know, much easier said than done. But it's what I'm finding I have to do.

That's why this forum is so great. It gives us all a place to find new perspectives and a place to be heard and understood!

Here's a big <hug> and hang in there :-)

Soccergal - I *totally* understand what you're talking about - especially today! I usually try to be as up beat as possible, but today I had the thought to just give up. Of course, I'm not going to, but 20 months for me (and 2.5 years for you) is a looooong time to wait and try to work towards something better - the way we have become accustomed to being. I feel like it's wearing me down... :(

Last night I watched a documentary on the life of the Buddha. It was inspirational and relaxing. In watching it, I remembered that there is change for everyone in life and that everyone has desire and that suffering is a fact of life. It's what we do with that suffering and the emotions that come up as a result of these facts that is most important.

The Buddha never claimed he was anything but a mortal man living life on earth - even after his "enlightenment" he felt great sadness sometimes.

But he reminded people to be compassionate towards themselves in times like this because grief and loss are completely natural parts of life.

hello soccer gal
 

I sure can relate to you. I lost my career of 30 years, all my savings, and who I was. I am now disabled, trying my best to make the best of it. Grief comes along however, and I sure reach out for help when I have to.
Come back here for support and other people, who also lost much of what they tried to do in life. Our bodies fail sometimes, and they take a long time to heal. I hope you have support of family and friends around you at home.
NT will be here to listen anytime. ginnie

Thankyou so much for your comments. It's funny, I have read lots of posts of fellow NT'ers, but it really feels great to have your responses to my post on fear. Thanks much, your support is so appreciated!
:)

PS, Esthersdoll: I wish I had caught that program, I'll have to see if I can download it. Do you recall the name of the program by any chance?

Thanks!

XSoccergal

I went back to work this week and got sent home because I wasn't functioning. Saw doc today, I have 3 weeks left on fmla then I am unemployed. I share being scared, there aren't many jobs out there and my brain isn't working well -- I am hanging onto the words of others here and continue to hope that in the end all will be well.

I hit that fear with every migraine. The thought of being in this much pain for the rest of my life. 36 years now and counting. I wish I had an answer for both of us, but I don't. Plenty of prayers, though.

I streamed it on Netflix. :D It's two hours long; but Netflix will usually start a program over where you left it if you can't watch a program that long using their "resume" option.

The Buddha
The Buddha: The Story of Siddhartha
(2010) NR

I never seriously accepted the possibility that I might not recover to the level where I could work again and do some, if not necessarily all, of the things I used to enjoy. This was partly because every time I started to think that way I could feel it would be very dangerous in terms of my mental state and levels of stress and depression. That sort of thinking is like a dark abyss opening up in front of you, and in my opinion every attempt possible should be made to avoid it.

It was also because I was lucky enough that I tended to get a spurt of recovery at least every few months to keep my hopes up. I imagine that this is harder when you have had worse symptoms for longer as in your case :(

Since I'm talking about Dorothy Gronwall on another thread, here is another quote from her which might make you feel better:-

:)