Crisis of fencing faith
 

As I sit here writing this I am at once both jealous and envious of the guys at the Paralympics. They have earned their trip there, no question. But it is the 3rd and 4th time for some. Let someone else play. Granted, I would most likely have been smooshed, but to have experienced the honor and privilege of going would be something to carry to the grave.

I love the sport and I love the people with whom I fence. But the truth is my health and my wallet are making it increasingly difficult to play. Some say, “Heck, why do you have to compete? Why can’t you just fence at home?” Very simple, I am a huge competitor and I always have been. That’s one of the reasons I was able to play college basketball.

If you haven’t figured out yet this is a very stream of consciousness entry. I know what I want to say. I just have a hard time putting it to words.

My health is a serious concern. Aside from the residual from the strokes leaving me limping, drooling, talking funny, a claw for a right hand (good thing I’m left handed) my aneurysms continue to grow and could pop at any time or never. I can barely lift 30 pounds. At my last check up a month or so ago we were talking about why I always have a headache, hurt, fall, am tired, on and on. Of course now I have a giant case of freshmanitis. We were talking about my temperature reactions (extreme heat or cold literally knock me out) and he said ,”that’s common in people with MS.” Then he asked if I’d ever had an LP. I said yes and that he had performed it. So I come home, start looking up symptoms and LP’s and It looks like I am a text book case of everything from the Bubonic Plaque to MS to being pregnant. He has been gone for a couple of weeks so I got to see my regular Dr. about a painful node on my left Achilles tendon. If I was a horse they’d put me down.

Due to the weather I’ve fenced once in the last month and a half. I got the “If you are going to spend money going to these tournaments you better start fencing.” Not a lot of support here.

Lately I just want to quit everything. I have no drive to do stuff. Then I’ll get motivated about something for a couple of days and go back to quitting. I lost my father last month. The last time I talked to him I told him I had never seen him give up. He said he wasn’t giving up, it was just his time to go. He was the strongest man I have ever known. I think he gave up. If he did why can’t I? I just have no motivation.

I have no idea what to do. .

Well my friend, I think I can safely say you're not pregnant. :cool: BUT - I think you have a good case of depression - combined with some grief.

For heavens sakes you lost your Dad only last month! :eek: You've got some grieving to do. You may think you're done, but I have to tell you that you're NOT. We all go thru 5 stages of grief: shock, anger, depression, bargaining and acceptance. I personally did not go thru the bargaining when I lost my husband. But I did go thru all the others, and the same was true when i lost my parents. No we're not all alike, but you still have more grieving to do!

Plus I'd bet that you have some depression going on. Did you feel like this before your Dad died, and before his illness/death? I think you should discuss this with your doctor and see what he has to say. You might possibly need medication to "level you out." I've taken anti-depressants for about 40 years now, due to having clinical depression and I'll have to take it for the rest of my life, darn it. But without them, I'd be in the pits of hell.

Anyone who wants to give up everything and not do anything is truy depressed, so talk with your doc, ok? And PLEASE -- let us know what happens will you? I'd really like to know. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee ;)

Well talking to someone is, as they say, "A whole nother story." I am in the process of trying to find a new neuropsych because the one I have is so hard to see. I want to see him weekly, but unless I start booking for mid October on now I can forget it. I need a neuropsych because I need someone who understands brain injuries and is on my insurance.

See my post titled "Freshmanitis" and see more about my symptoms and why I'm worried.

Dad had been in and out of the hospital with frightening frequency for the last few months. Always with pneumonia. When I heard it was that I knew the end was near. One of my professors in undergrad called pneumonia the "friend" of the elderly. If natural causes were listed that was usually the cause. When I told Dad I was playing Division one ball he was more excited than I was. He said he was tired of hurting, having tubes in and out of him, etc. I know that feeling. I just feel he gave up and if he did why can't I?

I just can't get to acceptance. Now, I am foring myself to go to my lesson and fence tonight even though I don't want to. I better leave now.

Why can't you give up? Because you're too young, and it's wrong. Your Dad was elderly, and even if he DIDN'T give up, the pneumonia probably would have taken him anyway.

You have a LOT to live for -- this life can be GREAT if you let it. List all the things you have to live for - and you'll be surprised at what you see!

Plus your family would be devastated, not to mention friends and relatives.

You're right == you need someone who understands brain injuries. Keep looking, but NEVER give up. You're a vital part of the human race. We ALL are. We weren't put here by accident, you know. We ALL have something to offer. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee
PS -- keep me posted, will you? I really do care. :)