October 9th 2011
 

It's been a very long day and tomorrow will be even longer.

It's been a year since my Dad has been gone, it is like I still think this is all a nightmare and he is probably going to come through the door one of these days or something.

He passed away comatose in a hospital, I wished it would have been different for him but I do believe he suffered a lot while he was in ICU both mentally and physically. We got him into ER because he had a diverticular emergency that caused him severe hemorrhage, his surgery went well and even though he lost most of his intestine it was human error the cause of his death. While he was hospitalized a nurse broke his colonoscopy bag and it spread like death all over his body, his lungs were compromised and my Dad couldn't breath anymore so he had to be taken back to ICU where he'd spend the rest of his days. Nearly two months.

First it was his lungs, then his kidneys and then it was his heart.

Deep inside my heart I feel like he was taken away from me. I feel like this is wrong and I just can't accept it yet or something, I can't even explain.

Every single day I would visit him, the doctors and nurses would tell me that I had to say goodbye and I never did. All I did was just hold his hands, clean his wounds (he had so many tubes, for SO long it gave him sores) and I'd just kiss his forehead and keep telling him that I loved him, I just wanted to take him home.

Just about two months ago, I went to the ash garden where we keep his ashes - It's like a cementery but in the back of a church, it's a really beautiful place - and even then I couldn't say goodbye. All I can ever say is how much I love him and how much I miss him.

One of the saddest moments of my life was cleaning his room, taking back all the presents that I ever gave him, seeing all the things he ever kept of me. His birthday was on December, and I even bought a present for him last year... was that wrong? I don't even know anymore.

We will be celebrating a mass for him today. I feel like, not much makes sense in my life anymore, and how bad I wish I could just talk to him so he could give me some perspective. He was so crazy smart and even though we had probably the craziest relationship for the longest time, I am so glad that I did try to at least build a friendship with him for those few last years. I chose to love him and I forever will.

I miss him so much.

Emma,

I'm so sorry for your loss, and the pain you have gone through. I'm praying that God will bring you comfort and strength to get through every day. :hug:

Thank you BlueSkye :hug:

Sometimes I think I think too much, like, ok I understand Dad was not meant to live forever. But I guess what I haven't made peace yet is the fact that it had to happen how it did.

I try not to think much of it because it's very upsetting still, I know how much he hated being in ER let alone ICU because when we first drove him there before the surgery he would fight the tubes off of him and he was probably the worst patient to take care of with his grumpy mood. He was just scared about it all.

In a way, I think what hurts most is seeing those we love most suffer. I know it probably sounds horrible but I would have traded places if I could. He may not have been the "Best Father of the Year" kind of thing but he was my own and I just loved him.

Sigh, what a couple days I've had.

I'm sort of doing a bit better though. I miss him a lot. I guess I always will? But we had this beautiful mass and we invited some of his old friends, some could make it some couldn't and I saw one of his best friends I hadn't seen in over 10 years. He cried when he saw me, I cried when I saw him crying haha and I don't know, felt nice seeing others who love him just as much too and share happy thoughts as well as just thinking he's probably in a much better place now. And most importantly, that he is no longer in pain and will never ever be in pain again.

Dear Emma
 

Thank you for telling me about your dad. The grief you are going through is hard, I know that. I am sorry he suffered. I wish there was some way to ease your way through this, but it just takes time. Someday, only good memories will surface, and you will smile again. ginnie:hug:

Emma, you will always miss him- but it won't hurt so much after a time. Hold on tight to the memories of him! I'm so glad you were able to go to the mass, see old friends, and know that you are not alone in your grief. Be strong, but cry when needed!