The angry dads club
 

There are three of us who have expressed their concern about their dad's anger at times.

Blue's dad gets angry. Wave's dad got angry resently,and my dad blew his top suddenly on many occasions.

This causes sudden insecurity for me,when my dad goes off. He's in a nursing home now,and I forgive him. He's always had this explosive anger.

I wonder if this has hurt Blue,Waves,and I traumatically. With this sudden insecurity,fear,sinking feelings,and pain of being fussed(explosive ranting,taring at self esteem,and etc.)at over,and over again,the memory of it lingers.

When dad was drinking it was double trouble. It was a no win scenario. He'd feel bad,but would not apologize. I'd be torn to shreds,and couldn't turn to anyone. What did I do? It was dad blowing off steam from his life's aggravations. BF:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

I feel for you steve. what you describe sounds awful...to grow up with this is terrible.Has he ever apologized, I know he is in a nursing home and you have forgiven him....did you ever talk about this with another famliy member, your mom?
how did you for give him?
bizi

fathers
 

Dear Steve,

I am sorry that you have dealt with a father like this.

My mother and father were flawed but not mean or violent.
Because my mother has HUGE anxiety, she taught my siblings and me to be afraid. We were afraid of her, my father, and everything in the house. We spent most of our childhood and then teenage years outside in the yard, the nearby woods, with our farm animals, and with our neighbors.

From about age 8 to 17 I also spent hours a day pracitcing the piano and saxophone as a way to escape.

M

Phillip Larkin
 

Hi,

Poet Phllip Larken wrote a poem about how parents mess us up because they were messed up.
His misanthropic solution in this poem is to not have any children ourselves.
I have honored that:

http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/178055

M

Thank you Bizi. He apologized to me in the presents of a minister in a counciling session I think. He's blown his top off at me since then,and accused me of various things,basically tarring me to pieces,and slammed the phone down on the hock. Basically it's him exploding... at me,and not holding back. I guess that he didn't understand my condition,but still.....????

That's something that I'II always remember while I'm alive. There was so much of it. I forgive him though. He wasn't like that all of the time. He sure didn't understand me. Mom didn't stand up to him. She didn't understand me either. I didn't understand her. My sister moved out of the house when she found a way. I didn't know that he was treating her wrong. She's told me about it in the last few years. I didn't know. BF:hug::hug::hug:

Mari I'm sorry. What I did was go to the creek,and catch butterflies,and turtles at the University of R... lake. I went roaming through the fields,and caught dragonflies,and things. I looked at thunderstorms,and clouds. BF:hug::hug::hug:

Steve,

You found a way to survive.

:hug: :grouphug: :hug: :grouphug: :hug:

M

I should have titled this thread,"Children of angry Dad's". BF:hug::grouphug::hug:

Steve

Even though he might have at times used alcohol I'm not sure if I read that.

It kind of also sounds like he might have problems that are related to the
mental health world too. It would be hard to tell because of the way he
gets mad. And wont be treated.

But with you stating your sister was treated bad too. I would really
have to wonder, if at times he just had no clue what he was doing at
the time.

I'm not condoning or finding a excuse. Just thinking out loud. I realize
he will always be your father. And you will see him. Thats a good son.

And I would say, your mom couldn't stand up to him, he was to voilatile.
He did things to bring her down too.

donna:hug::grouphug:

Dear Steve,

I really feel for you with having to swallow all that verbal/psychological aggression from your dad. It isn't even about understanding you. Very likely it did traumatize you and if your genes predisposed you to your condition, then it brought it out. But as Donna says, your dad's problems come down from generations past.... so it goes.

My dad hardly ever blows up. He occasionally does, and can get mean, but this time he said something over the top, at a time when i was particularly vulnerable ... i was already standing near the edge of the cliff loooking down.

The person who yells screams and throws fits in this house is my mother. From a certain age i started to yell and scream back at her. after i left home for my studies i studied psychology and sociology and found out that hey, these behaviors were not the only way to communicate let alone the best. i leanred better ways to communicate and with most people i do not communicate this way. even if this is a "loud" culture... my mother is even beyond that. but my mom surely is this way because of damage done to her.

i try very hard now to mitigate my interactions and reactions to her, even when she goes off. i have had to do a lot of work in past therapy in terms of understanding and analysis. i went through a lot of anger and pain directed at her about a decade ago. that had to run its course before i could release it and move on. now i am working on being able to
-- stay in touch with what i feel and what she feels and not mix them up just because she is screaming at me
-- choose a response more purposefully
-- try to react in a slow soothing way, or be silent
-- if i find myself falling into earlier patterns, reel myself in as soon as i notice it, and simply be silent.

it's hard. but i have made some progress already. informal meditation and observing the breath at times when i am "under attack" have helped me reconnect with mind. deep breathing has helped with the emotional tension that hits at those times.

we can't fix them. we can grieve for their hurt even if we don't know what it was, and we can forgive them for the hurt they have done to us. however we can make our best efforts to improve ourselves, a bit at a time.

~ waves ~