Reassessing relationships after TBI
 

After a long recovery (over a year and a half), I am consistently feeling a lot better. I am not yet fully recovered, but am doing pretty well most of the time. My symptoms have significantly lessened, pretty much across the board, and I am gradually adding more activities to my routine.

My question is, how should I approach those relationships (friends, family, co-workers) that basically went by the wayside during my recovery? Many people completely bailed, with few making an effort to offer even the most basic support, encouragement or help. (On the flip side, a precious few people really rose to the occasion and helped me.)

I know most people do not understand the nature of concussion/mTBI, as it is in many ways an invisible injury, but I feel I've learned a hard truth, which is that some "friends" and "loved ones" simply can't be counted on when the going gets tough.

Strangely, I think the best plan might be simply not to worry about it, keep the faith, be grateful for my recovery, such as it is, be the best friend / family member I can, and look to help others when and where I can. In other words, focus on what *I* can do to keep a positive attitude, move forward, and live with integrity.

Any thoughts?

Hi greenfrog;

I agree best to look forward to the postive. I understand how u feel and I think going thru surgery and cancer ---made me know who I can count on and who I can't anymore. I also was guilty of hiding my thoughts during that time. Looking back because I always saw myslef as strong and independent . I ended a very long term relationship because I had to face the fact when things went south so did the relationship. I always felt during my illness --- if the shoe was on the other foot I would have been the polar opposite. It was a hard reality to face. Some people like u said dont even extend the most basic gesture of support they flee when things go bad. For me it was a learning experience and I realize I dont want to waste my time on superficial realtionships,be it love,friendships, even family. I just learned to invest my heart (not to sound corny ) in the people I know love the same way. :)

As you seem, at the end of your comments to have gotten on track, I will just say:

Do Onto Others..........


I am not religious, I have only followed that in my life; both professionally and in practice.

I give as I wish to receive....

Already an eye opener
 

Only two months into this and I can tell its going to be the great relationship overhaul catalyst.


Some people are just amazing and their love and care brings me to tears with gratitude. My husband is my rock. He is an example to me, of what love in action looks like.


Some people have been just... disheartening. I chalk it up to not understanding the nature of these injuries but sometimes it still really stings. Turns out some folks are just not cut out for reality and they prefer the "old" me who was funny when they needed a boost, or who was smart when they needed advice. I serve no purpose to them in this state, so... I guess I accept that.


You asked for thoughts....mine are very similar to your own near the end of your post. We can only be our best, and I believe that's all we can answer for. I try to assume the best of people until they prove otherwise and then... Shrug.


I can only hope to heal, and become a better version of myself so that I can be there for someone who needs me. I'd like to pay forward all the goodness I've found in the majority of people since my injury.


I think you're on the right track!!

I learned long ago that what most people think of as friendship and what is realistic is rather far apart. Many people are friendly but for whatever reason can not BE THERE when the relationship is tested. That said it does not make them bad or less than.

One need only decide what we are willing to give to a relationship. For myself I strive to honor and respect all, give kindness and understanding. However I will not consider someone a friend just because they can be friendly.

For those who prove they are willing to truely commit and be able to be relied upon I will do anything I can to help them. I find it unfortunate that there just are not that many I can do that for. I refuse to be in a one sided relationship. I, we, you deserve people who truely make our lives fuller and richer.

For me quality is more meaningful than quantity.

Even my passenger the night that night that we were rear-ended, has not kept in contact with me ... but for 2 weeks post-collision.

"Most" of my then-local "supposed-friends" certainly "fell away" in my own time of need.

My own considered "Friends" nowadays consists of those lifelong, longdistance-friends ... who truly were/always are "there for me", even from afar ... and those very few post-injury/TBI/PCS friends now (locally/relocated Over The Bay x 4+ yrs post-injury) who have proven to be indeed enduring and mutually-supportive Friends.

The rest/remainder ... I have no concern whatsoever, no thought nor useful concern.
One such left a year-later voicemail message for me ... of course, they were "in need" ... I without shadow of doubt or concern, simply did not reply/respond.

Sometimes in life, ya simply have learned that it's better to "cut your losses". I'm simply not capable of "ante-ing UP" for those who have proven "short" of responsibly "showing up" reciprocably in years past. Life is not a one-way thoroughfare.

I am having a hard time being humble with friendships @ the moment. I feel like I need to try again after I get therapy and correct meds for my emotional state of mind. Also when I get my finances stable....

As time and healing passes maybe some of these friendships will not even be a question if they where ever POSITIVE friendships from the start.:grouphug: