Spouse of husband with TBI
 

Hi I am new to this site. I am looking for other people whose husbands or wives have had a TBI. My husband suffered a Severe TBI 9 months ago during a dirt bike accident. I'm not quite sure where to begin just knowing I'm not alone would be a nice change.

You are not alone. My husband suffered a TBI over 2 years ago after being hit by a bus. He is like totally different person now. We have been married for 20 years and it seems like I don't even recognize him anymore. It is very depressing and stressful.

Relate
 

may i extend my felling
of hope and care for the both
of you
my father an amputee
when i was born
my eldest deemed
epileptic is 32 years old
at the prime time
venturing into the world
cut short
suffered her first seizure
april 30th 2003
while at the mall
with her now husband
had part of the occipital lobe
took away permanent loss
of vision
a true inspiration in the
end not a success story
as she has now a VNS implanted in her
she now suffers seizures all the time
including in her sleep
so this is where i relate
she too has changed forever
as she is not the same

MAY GOD
AND OUR LORD JESUS
CARRY YOU WHEN NEEDED MOST

someone who cares
i hope and wish you both the very best
finding each other

You are not alone
 

I don't have a lot of answers either, but I also just take comfort in knowing there are others struggling through caretaking for a spouse with a tbi. We will get through this together.

I understand
 

My ex husband has normal pressure hydrocephalus and had surgery. Since that time he has turned into the most hateful person I have ever seen. The surgery worked but has completely changed him and I am the only person he is hateful to.

Wish i knew
 

I posted in TBI earlier. I have a dear friend who sustained severe TBI 3 years ago. I am still learning how he has changed and learning what to expect. Maybe, maybe, we'll be dating again after all these years. It's hard knowing the "old" and the "new" person

just moral support i guess

hi i look after my hisband with tbi also im in the uk x

I am struggling as well. I have been married to my husband for 5 years and have a 1 year old. Everyday is unpredictable. It is hard because looking at him he looks "normal" and can blend in and be very charismatic with others. But everyday he reverts into a child at some point. Tantrums, self absorbed, manipulative, impulsive and the list goes on. I am at my breaking point, but I love him and is the father of our daughter. I am concerned however about our daughter because he can be cruel and children don't understand that Daddy doesn't really mean it. It can warp a child and their self worth. It has effected mine to say the least. When is enough enough? They don't mean to be this way but you can only take so much right? :(

Oh so sad reading through this. I have an illness with neuro aspects which has changed me somewhat though not to that extent. I feel for you, all of you and what you're going through.

Everyday is unpredictable. It is hard because looking at him he looks "normal" and can blend in and be very charismatic with others.

I know what you mean about looking normal. My husband is a master at mimicking and acting normal. After years of knowing him I know he isn't authentic and it's like living with an unpredictable hodge-podge personality.

Long term effects of TBI.
 

When I married him 15 years ago, I didn't know my husband suffered a serious frontal lobe injury at age 5. I just thought he was misunderstood. He was, of course, because he was hurt at a time when no one considered the long-term effects of such a severe impact. He seemed fine when he recovered from the two week coma, so that was that. Thus began a life of stealing, drug and alcohol addictions, compulsive financial behavior, and unhappiness for his ex wife and kids. I met him in AA, and we have shared a journey of sobriety which has brought us close. But the lying, the verbal abuse, the insanity and all the other hallmarks of TBI have begun to take their toll on me. I came to realize his behavior was caused by the TBI, but I don't know how to get help for him or me. No one can understand, and no one believes it could be real.

I have felt these same emotions....
 

This is the hardest thing I've EVER had to do in my life. I am a young mom and have had to become the breadwinner, the only parent and learn to love a new man in my life....my husband...please look at the small victories each day, that is the only thing that has kept my head above the water (even if only barely). Know that you are on my heart and in my prayers...Michelle

I have felt the same way since my husbands Severe TBI 2 years ago...my youngest daughter still asks when her "real daddy" is coming home..My heart is with you and I have just joined this group as well. The first step to a new tomorrow, at least that's my hope.

the good & the bad
 

Do we breathe through the hard times? Pray for that light at the end of the tunnel? I cant help but ask sometimes, "God, why am i in this?" I am with a man that has a severe brain injury. Three years ago it happened...and was not expected to live. Too much damage, swelling, etc. He did and he is an amazing person. What an inspiration. But every day is a struggle for him- b/c he doesnt recognize who he is. He is not whatsoever the same person he was prior accident. But everyday he gets up and finds someone to help in this community we live in. He is so loved by so many. BUT!!!!! There are mood swings, inability to discuss "certain" topics b/c it will stress him out and he says, "if we talk about it i could have a seizure." And the anxiety ensues. There is also lying....the lying seems second nature. And NEVER even if caught will admit to the lie. So ya, the good with the bad. Ive signed up to see a counselor for both of us. It can take its tole - when u are the person who helps the most, does most everything and then are treated disrespectfully. Not easy. My heart goes out to you women with tbi husbands/boyfriends. Stay strong.

When to leave...
 

I am also a spouse of a person who`s had a severe TBI.He is 59 and I am 31.He is AND WILL BE the love of my life.I loved him since I was 17.He is so angry,ignorant,sometimes even violent.Always unpredictable.Dr Jekyll,Mr Hide.I have been at his side since he was in a medically induced coma for 35 days last April etc.He is also epileptic but I don`t mind about that.He just doesn`t seem to love me.I do not want to be his nurse but his partner,his wife,his lover.He doesn`t feel about me this way anymore.

wow. after reading all the posts I now know what my girlfriend goes through.. it is just as hard if not harder o the oter side

Me too Stacyrose
 

My husb is 10 mo. Post fall on the ice at work. He came home said he didn't feel right, refused the hosp. Two days later as I checked on him, one eye was turned in. Went to hosp, ct scan neck and head. Referred to Neurosurgeon for neck x 2 mo. Kept telling Dr he wasn't able to recall anything. Two and a half months later sent to Concussion specialist. Sent for cognitive therapy 30 visits. Was sent back to work. Just finished all therapies for while.

Husb impatient, grouchy, no compassion or empathy. Told new Neuro he finds no joy in anything. TRUE. I am lonely, unloved and happy to find a place to speak w others in same boat. He's on antidepressant, just put him on a mood stabilizer. Many prayers to you. Hope this site will be helpful for the both of us. I am married to a stranger.

Welcome Wife of TBI hubby. :Wave-Hello:

thank you Kitt
 

This all will take getting used to, but thanks for your welcoming me!!!!

oh my....
 

I can relate to every post and comment here!!!! So happy to be at what feels like "a family reunion" where your meeting your new cousins for the first time. I've lived without support, as the caregiver for nearly a year now. It is very lonely.

Can anyone tell me how long it takes moderator to approve posts?? I posted on this site yesterday. Thanks in advance.

To Wife of TBI Hubby
 

I feel for you having been trapped once chemically on the other side, where side effects stole my personality and cost me my family, and now a brain lesion has robbed me of my small amount of freedom in the ability to drive and has taken away my only hobby.
BUT… our outward inabilities to express ourselves as the loving people we once were does not diminish the love we feel in our hearts. We have had a huge part of 'I' taken away and can feel trapped, lost and alone. Do not take this as a sign that Love has died.
Draw on the strength of those around you. Come here for support. Know that your husband really hasn't changed inside.
Dave.

Thanks English Dave
 

I appreciate so very much all of the help I can get. It is very hard to have once been treated so lovingly to what is our "now". He has no patience at all and therefore it makes me feel like hiding beneath a chair. Seems like everything I say gets him angry. He's titrated up to the 750 mg dose of Depakote this week, supposed to be a mood stabilizer, this upcoming week will be week 4. I understand that it will take a bit to regulate. Also on Celexa 40 mg day. But this has been a med for last several years. I just feel lonely and lost. I try to be two steps ahead of his every need, as to put meds in a cup, etc. he got up earlier than me yest and Accidently took 2 Dep in am instead of one. Needless to say he felt new nauseated and slept most of day.

Thanks again for your reply, it means the world.

I hope my friends on the CP Forum are reading your posts, many of us have been left with no support and you are struggling to give your all.
Please tell me you have some time in your day when you can escape for just a short time for your own mental health. No-one will benefit if you become ill, or find you can't cope. Do you have friends or family you can draw strength from?
I truly hope your husband's new meds bring some stability to his condition, and to you.
Dave.

Hello,

Welcome to the NeuroTalk Support Groups.

I just wanted to let you know in case you weren't aware that there is a very busy

Traumatic Brain Injury and Post Concussion Syndrome Forum

here at NeuroTalk.

At the top of the TBI/PCS page you'll also find what we call the Sticky threads. They're mostly information threads and posts and also contain useful websites and ideas for various therapies, TBI/PCS articles and research.

It's worth a look. There may be ways of helping your husband recover that haven't been tried yet.

all the best. See you there. :)

Husband with TBI. Poor me?
 

Sadly new to this site resulting from a collosion my husband had late October resulting in a TBI. After three months of being hospitalized and rehab 1500km away from our home we are finally home. For three months I was on an adrenaline high to stay strong. His survival was the first hurdle, then waking up, then the major hurdles once he woke. Now that we are home and he is physically well I am a puddle. I am a puddle in private. I feel guilty about this. How can I be depressed or embarrassed about my husbands cognitive skills when I am so happy he is alive? I put me at the very bottom to ensure my husband and kids are number one. That's okay and is necessary right now, another form of strength. I know it cannot last long. I feel guilty complaining that I have not slept through the night since October 28th, or that I have gained weight since I am an emotional eater (apparently) or that I have done nothing for myself besides daily personal hygiene. How can I complain after all he has been through and continues to face? I am angry and bitter and so scared. Walking on eggshells depending my husbands mood, referring between husband and kids so they are not misunderstood and an argument surfaces. I love him. I just don't know him. Time. Time and patience....right? Thanks for the vent, trying not to feel sorry for myself.

Welcome Danika. :Wave-Hello:

Oh, Danika.

I almost missed your post because you did not put it in the New Members Threads, but I am so glad I found it.
First, I am sorry about your hubby, the accident and your struggle. But be reassured, it can be perfectly normal to crash into Depression after one has been stressed out on an adrenaline high for so long. I saw it with my ex after an accident I had in '90.
The goal now is to get you well - untreated Depression rarely goes away, and it feeds on itself.
You are clearly in no position to talk to hubby about this yet. Do you have parents, a best friend you can confide in as a FIRST step? The next step is to see your Dr. This is not a sigh of weakness any more than going about a persistent cough would be.
It may be you simply need a few sessions with a trained Counsellor, perhaps some meds - I am not in a position to, nor would I try to, analyse things. Perhaps something more is needed.
The point is, it is clear you are the focus of your family, and you need to be strong and at your mental best for your own sake as well. You have made a great start by joining this Forum, like-minded people with all kinds of problems pull together.
Might I suggest you pop over to the Sanctuary for Spiritual Support,, or Depression Forums where we can all expand on this, vent, lean on each other, heal.

Dave.

Thanks Dave
 

Thanks for the wonderful response. Much appreciated. Yes, I am new to navigating to such sites and should have posted elsewhere. I will take more time to get the ins and outs and search out other forums more pertinent to my "condition". I have read many of your posts and your heart is gold. Thank-you.

D.

Danika,
I am new here myself - still can't do attachments, am wobbly about links. Yet this Forum is as comfortable as an old sweater already thanks to the lovely members.
Don't worry about Posting in 'wrong' Forums, you will find support everywhere - it's just members with similar problems check out more relevant Forums first.
While I hope your visits here give you all you need, I hope the neccessity is as short as possible.

Dave.

Its hard being a caregiver. I totally get it. My daughter suffers from PCS and also has good days and bad days. I take it one day at a time. Did you look into support groups from the Brain Injury Alliance. They have been a great source of support. Hang in there!

Hi Missy,
I just joined the group today. I am going through the same thing. Husband is not the same. I am living with a strange person

My husband has been taking all his hatred out on me as well.
Life has been miserable with him since his TBI

Hi Laura,
I just joined the group today Not sure if you are still active.
People that do not know my husband, think he is normal. But his friends and family can see a difference. He is hateful to me though, Not them

Hi,:)
I am sorry about your husband and his injury. I am going through TBI with my husband as well. It has been a year, things are better than they were a year ago. I am hoping he is generating more brain cells.
We have good and bad days. I am learning when to walk away instead of trying to reason with him when he is too tired or "off":confused:
:hug:

Hubbie Has MTI Since 10.2001
 

I hope I'm in the right thread. Has any spouses experienced the feelings of resentment. Not so much for the TBI but for the new "colder" spouse> I've been at it an extremely long time. I often fantasize about running away. I have no family. I don't have a friend that I could trust with such personal info. My husband's TBI has made him a professional, charismatic "new" person to others. They think tat I'm the one that is being mean and abusive. The reason they believe this is because the "TBI Spouse" knows how to win points through his "outside personality." Now, I have to give credit where credit is due. My spouses TBI sense of humor is HYSTERICAL!! But, the dark days and nights are very dark. Throughout the thread, I noticed something in common. That is, why do the nonTBI spouses feel that our TBI spouses are taking it out on us?? There seems to be a lot of anger or something like resent.

I'm going through a similar HELL w/ my MTBI husband. He's extremely charismatic in public, treats everyone so nicely. I have taken care of him since he was hurt in the Line of Duty in 2001. I now have PTSD & Fibro. The PTSD is from the post accident personality. I walk on egg shells. I never know what;s gonna happen next. Lying and manipulation are the samething as breathing for him. He has everyone believing that I;m the real problem b/c his lying and manipulation are so good. NO ONE knows what goes on behind closed doors. My son was 12 yrs old when the accident occurred. He/s now 28 yrs old and overseas. He and his girlfriend are taking my husband's side. I'm confused b/c my son went through the hell w/ us. y husband has chosen to be my son's best friend since the accident. So, I was always the bad cop parent. Sometimes, I just don't want to live anymore. I have ZERO support. Sorry so depressing. This is my 1st time writing a peply. So, please let me know if I did something wrong. TY :confused:

New here too, so you're not alone
 

Hi, I'm new too. My husband suffered a TBI 3 months ago so we're still trying to adjust to it. He wakes up every morning and doesn't remember anything that has happened since a few days after the accident. He still thinks it's June. His brain hits some kind of reset button when he goes to sleep and erases everything he's seen and done during the day. That's right people, I'm actually LIVING 50 First Dates - and it is not fun. The mood swings and temper tantrums with me I can handle but when he gets around our kids and does that stuff, I make him leave the room. It's been a hard few months but I'm slowly seeing some improvements and that's encouraging.

Trying not to be angry
 

I've been married for a year and a half, and my husband's TBI was only correctly diagnosed a few months before our wedding. I didn't know what I was getting in to and I can't help but feel lied to. He didn't know about his vistibular imbalance either, because for a decade he just thought he had migraines, gritted his teeth, and plowed forward without properly seeking medical intervention.

Now he is finally addressing the underlying issue with medical care and physical therapies, which is good and I need to give him credit for doing so. The problem I am struggling with is that it feels like he uses his TBI as an excuse for bad behavior. Rationally, I understand that the TBI is a real reason, not an excuse. But on days like today when he leave a pile of laundry on the couch for days, but can go out drinking all day to celebrate Liverpool, I have a hard time understanding why TBI makes it so hard to do chores, but doesn't stop him from having fun. I get that today was a big big day in sports, and that he deserves to have a normal life celebrating something that he loves. I also know that he is paying double for the fun now, and very likely all day tomorrow, because of the TBI. The cost of fun is much higher for him. How do I not feel angry and resentful for leaving me with the sole responsibility of taking care of house and home, because he used all his energy making his choices with full knowledge of how much recovery would follow?

He budgeted the time/energy to have fun, but didn't budget the time/energy to finish his chore. I feel like I live with a child. Is this normal for TBI?

Hi Chien Vert

Welcome to NeuroTalk :).

I am sorry to read about your husband.

The TBI/PCS forum here is very active.

I am sure that if you post there you will get lots of support and good ideas from other members.

All the best.