Problem with executive functioning
 

Hi all, or whomever has read my posts and been kind enough to respond. My husband has very low working memory and recall memory. He also possibly has ADD..maybe even Aspergers. But, here's the tricky part, the therapists say he has "really good adaptive skills." My question: would this cause him to repeatedly make "life" plans and then down the road change his mind? For example, say he wants children, work on adoption for a couple years and then without any regret or remorse or emotion change his mind? This is exactly what he has done---repeatedly. I don't trust his choices or decisions any more. Probably a wise decision don't you think?

I’m guessing what the therapist means by “adaptive skills” is how he manages to work around his cognitive and memory deficits to get by in the workplace, and other things he does to cope with day to day life. So while he may have developed these adaptive skills over a long period of time they still deal with the day to day.

Executive function on the other hand is largely involved with long term goal setting and planning on how to achieve these goals. Executive functions are also involved with inhibiting inappropriate behavior, which seems to me includes the lack of remorse or recognition of an emotional response (his or yours) to the change of plans around having children. Poor executive function is associated with ADD as well as a number of other psychiatric disorders.

So yes, it sounds to me that his choices and decisions are likely driven by these short term adaptive responses, and you are prudent not to trust them, at least not for "life" plans.

Well put Lightrail.

Takinxanax, I thought you had plans in hand to move forward for yourself? Please continue that course.... for your sake. He has decided his course. You need to move on, for whats best for you. I know its a hard decision to let go, but it is sometimes the only decision.

Best wishes .......... :grouphug:

I am still moving forward. I'm seeing a lawyer on Monday Aug. 20 to discuss how I can get my hands on some of our money. Haven't quite figured out where I'm going. I have mentally detached a lot. Last night he forgot to lock the door again!! He didn't even latch it. I reminded him that someone could come in, rape me, slit my throat and rob us. I don't think it registered...he was full of excuses.

I don't have any family...just second tier relatives. So I am quite alone. I'm still going to a therapist and a group. Thanks for the nudge. There is no way I can stay married to him.

We own 1 1/2 acres and one of the lots is empty. I am thinking if I can get my half I may build a small house on the vacant lot!

He is going overboard trying to be nice, but he still doesn't have the emotional piece. Saturday is his 50th birthday. I got him a gift certificate (regretfully) but nobody else really cares. Thanks for your response LR.

Having followed you posts since April, this seems the best outcome for you. You have been admirable in the length and depth of your compassion for him, but as you have related he has chosen not to pursue therapy options that have potential to improve both his functioning and your relationship.

My guess is one of the reasons you feel alone is that you are in fact, at home, emotionally alone. Hopefully the therapist and groups that you are in can help alleviate this. It’s possible to be alone and not lonely, whereas now it sounds as if you are not physically alone yet lonely. Consider if you do go forward, if building a house on the lot next door gives you enough space.

Wishing you happiness as this works itself through.

I am so grateful for your guys' feedback and encouragement. I am taking good care of myself-sleep, exercise, fun stuff! I've recently gotten a new job that is steady income, that I really love too. I'm over feeling sorry for him. I've gone to a lot of support groups. Every day I move a little closer to leaving. I've also changed up some of my support systems-mom is out! Bad advice and an emotional vampire.

John hasn't done anything more. When I bring up issues he deflects and sidetracks. I'm not sure if he understands any of this, but that is his problem. I found a wonderful therapist in Mpls. names Susan Gustafson. She works with TBI and mentally disabled patients. She is very casual and non-threatening, but also very encouraging. When we talk she keeps the focus off his disabilities and on me. She read his neuropsych report and thinks he has Asperger's. She has pointed out that I need to be financially ready and I am not quite yet. It might be a long winter! We live in the woods on a highway and cannot really walk anywhere.

This is what is difficult now and I would like some advice. John is very focused on me. He doesn't have many other friends-he has some organized activities that he attends-which is good! When we are home I feel like the walls are closing in on me. He literally follows me around and joins in whatever I'm doing. He spaces out and steps right over messes and things that need to be done. Asks me questions constantly!! There is no conversation-that is just to converse. He is boring. I try to put space and distance but he's there and I feel so stressed in his company. I've tried to set some boundaries but they are crossed. I know the answer is to get out but it might take a little while longer.

Very encouraging to hear of your progress in taking care of yourself, the new job, and it's great that you have found an understanding therapist.

While the next transition may still take some time you have found fun things to do. Reflect and celebrate that progress. He encroaches on your space yes, but he is ill and probably can't (won't) change this behavior. Acceptance with the knowledge that you will be moving on when financial conditions allow is a powerful tool in your tool box. To add to those tools, if time and space permit, one idea I'd suggest would be mindfulness meditation.

Best to you both.

Regarding his trailing behind you , encroaching on your space - ask your therapist about hints for behavior modification you might employ at home to curb these issues;

- you said he doesn't sleep? - could you convince him to take Melatonin drops?
- give them or capsules along with vitamins in the evening.

Just thinking aloud, ideas is all.

Meditation time with him encroaching on your space would sound difficult, unless you convince him you need the free space for it.

However, I agree, even your writing sounds as if you are making good progress. Refreshing your spirit, livening up your future.

Good thoughts to you, Best Wishes........... :grouphug:

Things are different
 

I have distanced myself a lot from my husband emotionally because it makes me feel crazy to go along with everything but, I am still very civil to him. I have suggested to him a few more times to get some help, but he won't. I can take care of myself financially and I have a new relationship. Husband is in very bad shape. Cannot remember things and cannot process things very well. I think it's only a matter of time before he loses his job. People keep warning me to divorce before it's too late and I have to take care of him or lose all my financial wealth (not that much to lose!)

Today, he said to me, "your my best friend." I said, "no I'm not." Sounds cruel but I need to be honest. He didn't say anything back to me. He went and laid on his bed for a half hour and then remarked,"that was a mean thing to say." I apologized. (We have not slept in the same bed for 7 years)

When I spend the day with him I end up worn out and depressed and lost because so much of the time consists of clearing up communication bloopers. And he still follows me around even though I've told him not too.

I know it sounds kind of crummy that I have a new relationship, while I'm still here, but it's what works for now. John doesn't pick up on any of it. I had a photo of him and it fell out of my daybook planner onto the floor. John picked it up, looked at it, and asked who it was. I said I didn't know (!) He said nothing and handed it back to me. John knew I had coffee with this guy two years ago, and what he looked like. This is one of many examples of his state of mind.