Hanging on
 

So Last night I thought of something. I have been so depressed and angry, and lost. I made dinner for my fiance and daughter for the first time since all this started. I didn't want to do anything. I just wanted to crawl back in bed, cry, and sleep for a week. Especially since my arm is starting to hurt more again....

WHile I put on a brave face for the sweetest girl I know I remembered something. WHen I was about her age (8yrs old) to my late teens my mother was severely clinically depressed. I can remember most of that time she spent in bed, crying or worse. On my sweet 16 bday she was admitted into a mental ward of a hospital for being suicidal. Her therapist had her commited for almost 3 months. I remember sooo many times when I took care of her.

Our roles were reversed for so long. And I didn't help much being a defiant, selfish teenager. However, she wasn't there for so many important events in my life. A play for a church that I was the lead for. A solo in our nationally recongnized choir in high school. For little things that a teenage girl needs her mother for. I remember having to put signs all around the house that reminded my mother to eat, that coffee and ciggarettes were not food.

Thinking back on all of these things, I made a decision for MY daughter. I won't let this pain and depression control me. I won;t let it steal me from the daughter I have like mine was stolen. I still hurt desperately. I will still need to grieve for my lost and broken dreams.

But my life has to go on. If for nothing more than the most important part of my life. My most cherished blessing, my daughter.

I know I will still have moments where all I want to do is stay in bed. But I can't let myself die along with my baby.

Though I am no where near ready, I have to go back to work today. A job I used to love I now dread. I do customer service support for a really cool company. Zulily. They sell clothes for Mom (moms to be) Babies and kids.....it won;t be easy. I got a job offer from my old employer and am seriously thingking of going back. But it wouldn't happen for a few weeks, in the mean time I can;t afford more time off. I still have the reality of bills....ugh so for at least a few weeks I have pretend working where I do isn;t breaking my heart. Fun...

Still The realization I made last night, stands. As much as I would like to hide from the world, I have to go on. For the miggest love in my life. I am blessed and thank God everyday I have my daughter.

Wish me luck today, I hope I can make it through...

Good for you Songbird - you'll get there....:)

I'm so glad you have your family to help you through this, and give you something good to focus on while you are dealing with such a painful time.

Personally I don't think switching jobs would be a good move right now, especially knowing that you hated the other job before. I think the first few days back at work with baby stuff everywhere you look will of course be hard. But you will deal with it and after those first days it won't seem so difficult to look at, and at least you will be somewhere familiar with people you can talk to.

You are strong and brave and resilient. This won't beat you. I'll be thinking of you - good luck.

Bram :hug:

I admire your strength at this time of trajedy in your life. I admire the strength of the love you have for your daughter and how the past has taught you to do better instead of just giving up.
Sometimes that's how we get through is just putting one foot in front of the other one hour at a time.
I agree with Bram that maybe the job change should wait. But it depends where you feel you will get support, compasion and fulfillment, well, and of course the paycheck.
Wishing things will get easier for you. Keep us informed when you have time.:hug: