SCREAM!!! just a vent
 

So I had my shoulder injections today. I get them every 3 months. I'm blessed by the lord if I ever get relief from them. One time I was pain free for 7 weeks! The best 7 weeks of the last decade. But they usually don't work. Something was different today. I can see every single needle mark bc there are about 20 tiny bruises on my back and they are sore. I went and tried to swim but it wasn't much use today.

The vent: my mother gets home, I just got dinner in the oven, and I told her my back was sore so I was going to lay on my heating pad til dinner was ready. She says to me "well u got your shots so u shouldn't need to lay on your heating pad. U are just lazy." Grrrrrr....

I get sofa king angry when people try and tell me how I feel. That's why I love this group. Everyone gets it. I immediately got defensive but didn't snap. I don't know why she thinks I chose THIS life. A decade of incurable chronic pain, being 30 and living on a heating pad in my parents basement, no job because OBVIOUSLY! Yeah, this is exactly what I wanted my life to be like. I WANT a job and to get the heck out of here. But how can I even keep a simple desk job? Id get fired after a week.

What's worse is that I'm completely terrified to leave. There is no worse feeling in the world when its 2am, in the ER balling because the pain is so bad and all u want is to be somewhat comfortable and no one will help you. Its that feeling of being completely helpless that is so terrifying. What if I were back in dallas with my 2yr old and that happens? No one to call, no one to help, just a little boy kissing my shoulder asking if mommy is ok. Sucks. I'm sick of the pain. I'm sick of having zero balance in the bank. I'm sick of being a slave to the pain and a hermit that never leaves the basement. Life is too short to live like this. But I will keep doing research. Keep trying new things that could help. Keep praying.

There are different kinds of injections. Some are like horseshoes, hand grenades, & nukes—close is good enough. Others have to be dead-on-balls accurate (it's an industry term ...and a quote from My Cousin Vinny).

I know how some mothers can be (they can be real mothers) so, is yours the kind you can sit down, talk to, and explain these situations, or... is she not that kind? :D

Doc

funny thing
 

My mother is a nurse!!! So you would think she would be slightly sympathetic. But no. And there is no such thing as calmly sitting down and talking with her. I want to do just that with her and my dad but I already know what is going to happen. I will ask them to join me at the table for a CALM discussion which will immediately put my mother on the defensive and I won't be able to speak without getting interupted. It gives me anxiety and makes me angry which are two of the triggers that make my back hurt.

I wasn't even up long enough this morning to get a cup of coffee when my mom looks at my shoulder(when u constantly use a heating pad as a form of pain relief it makes the area red and blotchy. Jaguar skin). It eventually goes away if u quit using the pad for a few weeks but that's not happening anytime soon. I have slept on one for 10 yrs. I have to so I can get comfortable. Anyway, she tells me I'm damaging my skin and need to stop using it. I said I can't, I need it to help w pain. This woman says "oh bull spit" but she didn't say spit. That of course made me mad. Awake 4 min and her comments made me angry so now my shoulder hurts. Thanks mom!

My dr knows about my shoulder. He's seen it multiple times. I'm pretty sure he would say something if I were damaging all my nerves. But thanks for the emotional support so early this morning mom! Great way to start the day!

Dear fixmeup
 

Oh how I wish I could fix up all the people who live with pain. Myself included. You do need support. What is your medical DX? Kansas isn't the greatest state for getting the best care with pain. Any way you could get to Columbia University medical center? This facility is a teaching institute. I can't believe they would not be able to help with your pain. I was in a trial study there for 9 years, and found the facility to be top notch. Keep in touch. ginnie:hug:

Understood
 

A lifetime of conditioned responses & behavior patterns are tough to overcome/change.

Have you ever read Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne, M.D. ?

This is, IMO, another one of those Knowledge is Power things wherein understanding what's going on in our heads—and why—with interpersonal relationships can help us recognize & cope with some of these conditioned responses/behavior patterns. FWIW, I consider Games People Play an "Everyone Must/Should Read". YMMV.

Caveat: Your mother may have read Games People Play herself, and/or be familiar with transactional analysis (TA to its adherents).

Doc

hi Ginnie
 

My insurance isn't so good. If it is a training/learning hopital was it expensive? Or was it guinnea pig type stuff? Columbia is a drive, but I would find the money if I had to.

Hi fix me up
 

Call the patient advocacy person at that hospital. Columbia University medical center. See what programs are available. Trial studies are good. Mayo clinic sent me there for treatment. My Ex covered me for insurance at that time. Check to see what free programs there are, and if there is help financially if your insurance isn't so hot. You can get a list of the practicing physicians at that location, and maybe do some research on the particular field of medicine. I have a physiatrist, who specializes in pain. The address for it is 1 Hospital drive.
The care I received there was top notch. Kansas is a very hard state to get the best medical care. Would your doctor give you a referral? Keep in touch. ginnie:grouphug:

forgot....
 

The trial study lasted 9 years. Not a fly by night adventure. I took DNCB an immunosupressant, a type of chemotherapy for an auto immune disease. I have no regrets in participating. ginnie:grouphug: