Is Self Pity a Prison
 

I have this urge for life to be different and better than it is, and every time I try to imagine getting those things I feel helpless to get them. I think sometimes my condition will be the obstacle, other times my condition is the excuse. So I let myself feel bad and mopey because sometimes someone close to me will fix it for me or console me. But every time I get help or support from someone, I feel like I'm taking away from my own drive or ability to try, or to just accept that I can't have it.

I forget where I heard it, but somebody said "Self pity is a prison that you drag others into". Everybody needs help sometimes, we are social creatures after all, but I feel like I'm making a habit of using expressions of self pity to get what I want (not necessarily what I need) or to just shut people out.

I feel like I'm not taking part in life, and just shutting off everything because I don't want to be like that. Is anyone else familiar with this feeling or habit? How did you overcome it, or how have you tried if you haven't?

I'm not a religious person, probably bare minimum spiritual, so I'm hoping for more psychological/emotional/social type solutions. Thanks for reading, thanks for a reply.

Hi Brad....I think everyone with health issues or perhaps just everyone deals with self pity at some point in time. When things seem darkest it is ok to indulge your self pity and go hide and lick your wounds for awhile. I think it gets dangerous when you stay there and never come out....or as you explained, use it in a manipulative way.

When self pity never goes away I think it is perhaps a clinical depression that needs to be dealt with. I did m y own therapy when wrapped in self pity...I shocked my family by just getting in the car and ran away for 3 days. I left a note and said I was going, I not know where, just getting in the car and driving somewhere to be alone....I had gotten so down I could not stand myself so could only imagine what I was doing to everyone else. Not sure if I did it more for me or to rattle my family's cage but it was liberating. I turned off my phone and just stayed in a little guest house a few hrs from home, walked the beach and allowed myself time to just deal with my feelings. sometimes you have to run away not only figuratively but literally. I hope you can work thru this...you know sometimes it is not self pity but just caring for yourself as much as you care for others...nothing wrong with taking care of yourself and dealing with your own issues.be well....Diandra

Hey Brad,

*edit* Make a plan of what you want, and go for it. Don't let people hold you back, and most of all don't let yourself hold you back.

Go for what you want and don't ever stop.

Cheers

Self-pity is apparently unique to humans (I don't know about other hominids).

Self Pity
I never saw a wild thing
sorry for itself.
A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough
without ever having felt sorry for itself.
__________________________~D.H. Lawrence

The [drive] for life to be different and better than it is, is not; it is inherent in all living things.

The stigma of social isolation due to chronic illness is well documented, so I think most here are familiar with it to some extent—I certainly am. :o

Chronic illness can tend to absorb/consume/overwhelm some people to the point that it's all they can think or talk about. This is not only unhealthy, it also tends to drive people away, especially when the topic of conversation always winds up turning to a person's medical conditions and suffering.

One important thing I learned to do was to separate my "illness/support life" from my "social life". This means that I confine discussions of my health and medical conditions to very specific people and venues—support groups (this one and others) and a very select group of family & friends—and NEVER in social situations, even with those select people (everyone needs a break—even us! ;)) This was a hard lesson for me; I lost a lot of friends and stopped getting invitations. I've learned since that it is a common faux pas made by many [newbies to/with] chronic illness. Once I stopped talking "shop" and allowed myself to enjoy myself (even though I had to fake/force it at times), the friends and invitations slowly returned, and the faking/forcing became less and less.

Goal setting and scheduling have been very helpful to me. There are certain things I force myself to do every day/week/month (or every day that I can). Recognizing that it's difficult to keep social commitments & promises due to circumstances beyond my control, I don't make them lightly, and if/when I do, it's all the more important that I keep them. I make it a point to get out of the house and do something to help myself, whether socializing, running errands, or just playing with ol' furface. I make it a point to partake in things like hobbies, music, writing... things that create/give me joy. I try to do something that makes me laugh—watch some cartoons, YouTube vids, stand-up comics, etc. at least 20 minutes, twice a day. I work (train) with ol' furface for at least 10 minutes, twice a day. Have weekly get-togethers with friends for a meal and movie, or outing.

I set these goals and others, schedule them as best I can, and then follow through. Very often, getting off my duff and getting started is the hardest part; once I'm rolling... ;)

If/when I catch myself feeling sorry for myself (less and less the more I recognize certain things and take responsibility for doing something about it) I immediately do something constructive to help myself or someone else. I feel better (about myself & situation) when I do.

I don't know your domestic situation. My wife & I both have issues as we age together, and we function as each other's caregivers as needed. It's not always equal/balanced in this respect, but we make it so in other ways as couples do. There are times when we need each other's help, times when we allow each other's help, and times when we insist on doing this or that for ourselves out of courtesy, self/mutual respect, and determination.

As I often post here, knowledege is power, and there are two bits of knowledge that have been most [empowering] for me:

1. The Kübler-Ross Model of the Stages of Grief (as applied to chronic illness)

2. The Vicious Cycle of chronic pain, depression, and [anxiety, insomnia, isolation, stress, weight control, etc.]

Being aware of these, and recognizing when they're affecting my mood/thoughts, enables me to see them for what they are, and channel the negative/destructive into the positive/constructive.

At the center of it all is attitude and determination. I can let my health/illness control me and run my life, or I can control/run my life and deal with my health/illness as I need to.

I don't know if any of this will be of help/use to you or not, but that's how I've dealt with it. I don't know if I've overcome it—I don't think that way.

Doc

self pity, hate against the doctor that participated in getting me much sicker, fear and anxiety are the things that destroy me and I don't know how to beat them. am getting help. I guess we are all there at one time or another