NeuroTalk Support Groups - My lovely intro..

Hello everyone! I am a newbie here on this site and wish to get acquainted with the site as best as I can while getting to know as many of you as I can, hopefully learning some valuable information, gaining some support, hopefully giving it (just in my nature to do such), and an even greater hope is that I will gain some friends for life!

About me:

I'm 35 years of age (as of September 23), a divorced mom of three one-of-a-kind awesomely, courageous, loving, and beautiful children, of whom without, I definitely would never have made it this far in life! Also, I have been a nurse for approximately 12 years, but due to my having suffered a hellish back injury while on duty, have been out of work for the last 2 due to surgery and healing processes (I found out via the DEXA - scan, that I have early onset mild osteoporosis which has significantly slowed my healing process down). Speaking on my injury, I suffered the tearing of 3 discs in my back, 2 of which were severe, with the L5-S1 being most clinically significant and pronounced as the major source of my post-injury pain. Thus, after some legal deliberation, I was approved/awarded (the right) to have surgery of my L5-
S1, via an ALIF/PLIF where I was surgically cut and entered to my spine both through my abdomen and my back. The surgery however, was not a complete success as the surgeon would find that I had a rare form of spina bifida (which should have caused crippling, but I have NEVER, thank God had any issues whatsoever with ambulating, running, etc), where there was an entire bony prominence and bone section missing from my spine, causing him not to be able to place the clamp onto the section of my spine in order to hold the fusion steady, which resulted in my having to have a second surgery 2 months later to have plates, screws, pins, and a rod placed into my spinal column in order to stabilize the fusion (as it had begun to migrate out of position). So... one year and a month after the first surgery and nearly a year since the second, I still have excruciating pain more often than not, am not able to fully complete my own ADLs and especially not housework on my own (thank you to my kids), AND I am still not fully fused! Needless to say, I have gone through so many stages of grief, over and over and over again, as I feel like my life has been placed in a sort of on-earth purgatory/hell where I am controlled daily by the pain of my back.. of which radiates into my pelvis,both of my hips, my right groin and inner thigh, and my entire right leg and right foot. And oh the pain! It truly is the dictator and tyrant in my life, its aging me, I can feel it from the inside out.. the stress of the negative free radicals being shoved into my blood stream, crippling my ability to think, eat, sleep, or feel much of any kind of joy. I likewise, feel a constant strange heaviness in my chest where my heart is located, almost as if my heart too is being affected by the dark shadow of chronic pain. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this, I even often tell myself that I "refuse to live like this" and that I "just want it (the pain and the injury, the injury and the pain) to go away!" Ohhhh, if only that were possible, what a freedom so many of us could experience, freedom of simple things like taking a walk with your loved one, riding a bike, or going to your teenage son's high school football games (something I haven't been able to do the entire time that my son has played football, he's a sophomore). The things that I took for granted as being normal and no big deal.. but of which ARE, ALL GREAT, BIG MONSTROUSLY HUMONGOUS deals!

So, what do I do? What can I do? Nothing much, except maybe hope for those fleeting good days where the pain is at a tolerable level, allowing for me to perhaps cook a decent size meal for my children and maybe even watch a movie with them at home or even a bigger treat, at the movie theater. But, you see, it seems that those days are few and far between, and although I want to give up at times, I know that I cannot for I have 3, bright young faces looking at me eagerly to be strong, to care for them, to survive.. and well that is what I have and will do!

Thank you for listening.

:grouphug: