equal parts determination & despair
 

I don't really know where to begin, so I am writing here. I will spend some time getting acquainted with your stories too, because more than anything I am here to learn, and hopefully to find some ways of not feeling quite so alone.

My partner suffered a traumatic accident back in July. He and I were already coming to terms with how his ADD affects our communication and relationship, and while we were able to speak about this openly and discuss ways of working on the challenges we were encountering, his accident and recovery has become the central theme of everyday life now.

I spent several months caring for his every need, as he was in too much pain to manage much of the daily details. The stress of suddenly being his caregiver, barely one year into our relationship, was not immediately apparent, but I found myself feeling completely overwhelmed and at times paralyzed by depression. At one point he determined that the pain medications were actually making things worse, and he decided to quit them. We bonded deeply and seemed to reconnect while he withdrew from the drugs, and for a brief time we both felt optimism that the right choices were being made and that his recovery would continue so long as we remained dedicated to the cause and to each other.

Now it is 5 months later. He is absolutely suffering from PTSD, and depression. Some days are better than others, but generally our ability to communicate at all has been severely compromised. We connect best it seems, when we are both at rock bottom and completely at a loss as to how to cope with our stress. He has been able to articulate for me how he now finds it more difficult than ever to empathize and to focus, and has told me on numerous occasions that sometimes any interaction at all is too much to bear. This disconnect and constant struggle is wearing me down, and while I know that he and I love each other, there seems to be much more at stake here and I am deeply afraid that I am not strong enough for this challenge.

To make matters worse, his injury happened at work. So every step of physical and psychological recovery is restricted by the worker's compensation and insurance companies, and their policies of denial and inaction. For the first few months, the everyday battle of phone calls and paperwork certainly added to the stress. Now with legal counsel, we are faced with the reality that there is nothing to do but wait. And wait. And wait. I want so dearly for my love to receive the care that he needs, and I wish we had the option of seeking help as a couple, so that we could overcome these odds together.

Every single day has become an emotional roller-coaster, with highs and lows experienced as a couple, and our own individual emotional turmoil too. I can not remember that last day that I did not feel some overwhelming anxiety or sadness, and while I can be a sensitive person, I have never before in my life been so fragile and afraid.

I know I can't possibly be alone in experiencing these things, but at the end of the day I feel terribly isolated and lost. I don't want to give up, but I also know that this is a long road, and that there aren't any clear answers. So here I am, I guess. Trying to understand and learn, hoping to grow through this challenge, and maybe find some connections here that could help.

Thank you for taking the time to read this...

Hey
 

I just wanted to let you know how brave you are for baring your soul to everyone. I still find it hard to put my story on paper...or keyboard I guess. The change in intimate conversation has been one of the most difficult parts of my husband's traumatic brain injury (motor vehicle accident 2 years ago). There are moments of hope that find their way through, but it can be incredibly frustrating waiting for them. You are in my thoughts this week and I hope this week will bring one of those moments.

Michelle

I am NOT alone - Thanku!!!
 

I can relate to everthing in your post. I love the man i am with - and he is trying, he truly is. But to talk about anything that I need to talk about he immediatley takes offense, gets defensive, feels guilty, and most of the time....becomes an asshole. I have signed us up for counseling. We will see how that goes.its a counselor that is familiar with tbi. I wish u luck and my prayers r with u.