165 days Alcohol free....damn wolfie!
 

Friday, yesterday, was a snow day.
We had freezing rains and some snow accumulation,
which is really rare for southern louisiana!
I made it to see one client and then had lunch and went to see another but decided to head home because the bridges were being closed due to ice and I was afraid to leave my car in the freezing rain because the heater in my car is not working correctly.
So I drove home the back way and was able to cross a bridge that had not been closed to get home.
So It is an awful day.
So at 3pm I decide that I was going to drink. Originally I was going to wait until 180 days, that is the challenge that I made with Belle,, so what was drinking 2 weeks earlier? Really?
Hubby discouraged me from drinking from the get go but I was bound and determined that I was going to drink....and drink I did.
In the cold, I drove 3 blocks to our grocery store and picked up a 6 pack of mikes hard lemonade, black cherry.
My favorite drink.
I was unstoppable.
Guzzled 3 drinks in 10 minutes flat.
I thought that I was going to stop at 6 but talked my sweet hubby into getting me some more and he did. So I ended up drinking 9....by then it was 1030pm and I was drunk.
Filled to the brim, I could barely drink any water with my night meds which are not supposed to be mixed with alcohol I might add. That was also 2,000 calories I might add!
Had a horrible time sleeping and got up at 5am to use the restroom(I was still drunk).
Took some advil and got on line and posted on my spark team. Hubby came out of the bedroom and asked me what I was doing? WE went back to bed.
I changed my alarm to 9am instead of 8.
And tried to sleep but to no avail.
So I got up at 9 and staggered out of bed to start my day.
I poured out the remaining black cherry elixir.....damn wolfie!
It was still 27 degrees but bright sunny sky's and the snow and the ice was melting already off the roof tops. I called my first client and told them I wanted it to warm up a bit before I came to see them so that gave me an extra hour to settle my stomach.
I had 2 cups of coffee and ate a cheese burger with out the bun. I knew that I needed to eat something and left overs sounded good.
I was hungover all day but worried about my stomach and whether I was going to get sick or not.
Saw all of my clients and provided an excellent service. ( Even though I felt not that great).
Came home around 5pm and felt normal again. We had a healthy meal of ham and lentil/tomato/kale soup that I had picked up at our local health food store.
It was delicious.
Hubby had a gig tonight playing jazz with the big band" the skyliners".
He left at 6;30 and I got on line and started entertaining myself.
I have been to forums, blogs, web sites, chat rooms....and now at midnight my day one is over.
That is right when wolfie wins you have to start counting days all over again.
My therapist says that I have an addictive nature and I agree with her and I let her know, she was very supportive as was Belle. Being on the computer for almost 6 hours straight is a problem.
I need to get a life, get back to the gym, develope some new hobbies, start reading more.
Oh and I am bipolar for those of you who don't know that about me so moderation has not been a strong hold for me yet. I made it thru the holidays and vacation for a total of 165 days alcohol free.
I can be proud of that.
bizi

Interesting.

How was the first 165 days?

WEll I was surprised how hard it was a times. The wolfie whispered in my ear telling me that I could not have fun with out alcohol that I was more fun, more social...These were lies! I proved that I could have fun with out alcohol.
Even so; I can't do forever.
I will be drinking again for mardi gras on march 4th.
Was able to lose some weight although I have gained some of this back over the holidays.
Nothing changed except I was not drinking. I did not rekindle any passions or hobbies. my face did not clear up, I still have a ruddy complexion.
bizi
thanks for responding!

well still drinking....don't know when I will reel it in again....
bizi

What do you think?
 

Since I posted last I have had many drinking nights:

9 black cherry mikes hard lemonade here on out referred to as "drinks"=friday, started at 3pm-1030pm (snow day)
10 small margaritas= monday 5pm-7pm
off work for next 2 days
6 drinks= tuesday-snow day
3 drinks= wednesday(last night), had left over drinks.
I have 3 drinks left and plan on drinking them tonight.
Is three drinks moderation?
I don't think so.
I had 165 days AF under my belt but was always wanting to drink. I could quiet wolfie most of the time some days he howled though.
I did not have the good feelings of sobriety that everyone talks about.
I did not return to my exercise routine,
hell I did not go at all!
I did not start a new hobby.
I did not clean my house.
I did not have clearer skin.
I did not have less anxiety with people in fact I had more social anxiety.
My eating did not improve.
I started gaining the weight back that I lost.
I never did end up having sober sex, poor hubby.(Still haven't had sex). It is an issue with me.

But having said all of that....
Drinking has not helped in any of these areas.
And I know that alcohol is a poison. That my body tries to rid itself of the toxin at the first sip.
I know that my meds don't mix with the alcohol
and I know that I "should not" drink while taking them. My psych doctor would have a fit if she knew that I had been drinking so much.
She said I could have one drink a day.
Who can have just one?
Some say I should look at it this way: that I had 5 drinking days out of 171, that I should not start over to day 1 again.
What do you think?
bizi

What do I think? Appears to me (in my opinion) that you are looking for a crutch to help you with that other, more serious, problem.

I would recommend find a Celebrate Recovery meeting and go hang out (with an open mind) and if there are none in your area then a couple AA meetings.

Depression maybe?

The only thing I know for SURE is that alcohol is not the answer.

thanks for you comments, don't know what other more serious problem you mean?
I am not a religious person so the group meetings don't work for me.
thanks, I know they help a lot of folks who struggle.
bizi

I am not a Doctor, nor do I play one on TV.

The "open mind" comment was not a mistake.

I went to one aa meeting and they made me talk. I was very uncomfortable with that. they also prayed which I was uncomfortable doing that as well.
I have not gone back.
bizi

http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/im...cons/icon9.gif from yesterday....
I did not even mange to have a day one afterall.
I can't believe that I just finished 165 days AF less than two weeks ago and here I am back where I started even worst.
I did not see the benefits of not drinking...I really did not.
The temptation to start again was too great.
and now the guilt of feeling like a failure.
Hell I stopped by a bar on the way home and got 2 bloody mary's and she made them strong and I drank them down fast and drove home. I was trashed.
I need to drink a ton of water before bed.
sigh
I see my therapist tomorrow.
bizi thank you for your support.

Well I had a heart to heart with my therapist tonight.
The truth of the matter is that I drank so much last night that I blacked out and don't remember half of the evening with jeff....She was so kind. I know that I need to get back to an alcohol free life style.I start tonight by going to the gym and taking a well needed shower.
I hope to go to the gym twice a week.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner tonight hubby loved it! not heart healthy but really good.
Chicken with onions and mushrooms and dijon mustard and half and half and butter.
yummy off I go to the gym.
bizi

edited to add that I made it to the gym and showered 2 feats! 45 minutes on the tred mill.

Good job! Routine and discipline suck sometimes, but for the alcoholic it's a good thing :D

I am not an alcoholic, I just abuse it.
bizi

the term 'alcoholic' is not particularly useful, bizi, I agree. It doesn't mean much that anyone agrees on, the term addict is somewhat more specific but still has problems. The real thing, seems to me, is whether our drinking harms us, harms others, keeps us from personal growth and from achieving life goals. Does it make you feel the way you want to feel. Does it keep you from having trouble with other people. And so on. These, to me, are the real questions about alcohol and most other substances.

And re your comments on AA, I benefited a lot when I attended AA. You don't have to believe anything you don't want to, all you have to do is say "I have a desire to stop drinking." You don't even have to say or believe that you are an alcoholic. And, like anywhere else, there are a lot of nutjobs at AA, also. It's a mixed bag, but generally, I met great people who were fun to be with and they shared the same goals I did in sobriety.

One of my favourite sayings back in the day was. "I am not an Alcoholic. Alcoholics go to meetings."

With that being said, I was not an alcoholic till about 2009 (after 20 years of drinking) when it dawned on me that my drinking was affecting me in negative ways. It was also affecting others around me (like Newstown pointed out).

Denial is one of the biggest hurdles to overcome when dealing with an abuser of a substance.

Bizi, look back over this thread and read it from a 3rd party point of view. Does that look like "normal" behavior to you?

Blackouts, bing drinking, accelerated consumption, hangovers, etc....

This is not a place to sugar-coat things. You are here for a reason. You have a problem.

FWIW, I attend (and lead) Celebrate Recovery meetings because they work, not because they are Faith based (but that is a perk), and if you attend them with an open mind they have a much higher success rate than AA meetings.

I would give anything to be able to have just one drink. I would love to have a glass of red wine with a ribeye steak at a 5-star restaurant. A cold beer after work would be heavenly, but I was not wired for that.

Again, you are posting here for a reason. What is it? This is not meant to be mean, but to get you to think outside the box.

I guess I decided to not drink for 165 days pretty easily I might add, only a few times that I "craved" a drink. It really was not effecting my work hubby doesn't think it is a problem. I was bored many of the times and feel that I must get a life beyond just work and am trying to go to the gym and be healthier in general. Drinking does not fit into that equation. I have decided to not drink again.

Having said this, I feel it is ok that I post here.
If I am not welcome please let me know.
bizi

Nobody said you were not welcome. Let's not play that game.

Q: After your 165 day stint with sobriety, was your drinking pattern less, the same, or worse than before?

worse, not moderate at all. It was like a release and I was a crazy woman. I also am bipolar and have troubles with extremes.
bizi

Q2: Can you have just one alcoholic drink and walk away?

I never have.
I call myself a binge drinker.
Today is day 4.
This stopping and starting has been going on for years.
I must say that 165 days was my longest AF time period.
bizi

How is the abstinence coming (or did you revert back)?

Thankful for AA
 

My daughter has benifited greatly from AA. Also, I know that I myself run risk of being an addictive personality. My daughter has and always will be "in recovery".

She attends regularly AA Meetings. She says even tho it may seem the same old same old; you need to be constantly reminded. It has been about 17 yrs. for her; but knows she needs to attend meetings regularly for the rest of her life or the old way of thinking will return. She tells me; it is your way of thinking that has to be changed. It is ongoing.

Thankful for AA,


Gerry

yes it reminds me of the actor who had been sober for 23 years then relapsed. so sad.
I made it 6 days then started drinking again.
I must stop.
bizi

Bizi,
 

I was a heavy smoker 2 1/2 pks a day for over 20 years. I tried so many times to stop. I would get as far as day 17 and then convince myself I could
just smoke 2 cigarettes a day; well then 3; well before I knew it, I was smoking heavier than I had been previously.

My adult daughter had entered an addiction program at the hospital near me about 17 years ago. It was an out patient so each day she would have to leave at 9:00 p.m. and be back the next morning. This was a 30 day program. There were days parents, husbands, family, etc. were invited.

While attending some of these for her; I stopped smoking. Sooo for me, as well as her, it has been a two for one program and will be 17 years this March But; now I know I could never never pick up even one
cigarette. It would be all over. But, I know the term...."today I did not smoke". Take it one day at a time has added up so far to 17 years next month.

Wish you all the best.

Gerry

thanks gerry,
I am glad that it has worked out for you.
congratulations for stopping!
bizi

good morning, I too need to get back on tract of dieting and watching what I eat. have put on a couple of more pounds...slowly creeping back up again. Have been eating these wonderful donuts int he mornings they are all gone now. clients have been feeding me, need to politely say no that I am on a diet.
But the scarey thing that I read last night is how sugar feeds cancer cells and more specifically can contribute to breast cancer risks. I knew that alcohol did this.
It was called an inflammation state.
It said that you can literally starve cancer cells buy keeping your insulin levels low by following a very low carbohydrate diet. So for people who have cancer they should be told this. Maybe the nutritionist are already telling them this. I have a friend that has throat cancer that has been thru 3 rounds of chemo and starting radiation soon. with once a week chemo for 5 weeks.
I feel sorry for him.
Chances are good that he will lose his salivary glands, and other side effects, could lose taste too. He doesn't want to go thru with the treatments. I really feel for him.
No sugar for this woman!
Today I start my diet again. and that means cutting out my sugary beers! So I am going to try to be AF until mardi gras. so it is back to day one. http://assets3.sparkpeople.com/asset...icons/e249.gif
I am drinking just half and half with stevia this morning, not my usual french vanilla creamer full of sugar.
bizi

Bizi,
 

Good for you.....sometimes; it's only one hour at a time; but at least counting is a start.

Wishing you success in your efforts.



Gerry