Looking for support group for spouses of alcoholics
 

I'm the spouse of an alcoholic, going through terrible ups and downs based on that horrific cycle of sober/relapse/sober/relapse and constantly asking myself "Do I stay or do I go?"

I've been in Al-Anon for several years, but what I'd really like to find is a support group made up of spouses or partners of alcoholics (drinking or not).

I'm in my early 40s, living in NYC. Looking for people in similar situations to help support each other through the horrible reality of living with an addict.

Anyone?

Actually APJH, that's what I thought Al Anon was. I dont know of any other groups, but if you can't make ur local group work for you, maybe there is another one around? Or you could form one? I submitted people to that on and off drinking thing for years, and only peripheral neuropathy really got me to stop. I hate saying that, but there it is. Good luck and don't put up with it or put yourself at risk.

Hi, I am a spouse also going through it, the cycle has just begun again with a recent relapse and we are at the denial stage. Or maybe it's me that's in the denial stage. I just don't know anymore, 23 years of marriage and each year getting progressively worse.

I tried Alenon when we lived in the UK, it just didn't work for me? Or maybe I thought it would be something else? It comprised of a large group of people who sat round a table and each in turn shared what their day was that day. Really what I wanted was hints on how to cope, what can be said and not be said, tips on identifying triggers and how to approach certain subjects. All I got told was you can't do it, just leave. Well I did that, I left for 10 months, and I was clear my leaving was to save our marriage which it did and the drinking issue became a thing of the past.
Now I'm in a situation where I'm ill and leaving is not an option for me, I can no longer work and will need more major surgery within the next 3 months (another spine operation) and then there is the 12 week recovery. I very much love my husband, I accept I may be seen as someone who is selfish and minimising his pain and putting my needs first, and that's just the way it is, and why we are in this situation. In the past, I have been well enough and strong enough to handle all the angst that comes with living with an alcoholic and in my strength I was able to devote time to his needs. Now I can't and it is no small coincidence that as my health has declined he has become more needy and turned to alcohol as his answer. I just want some ideas and on plans to put in place to help him as I get worse. Last year he had a bad fall and taken to hospital with a head injury. We have had wet beds, wet lounge, wet floor stories all of which I know I am not alone with. Last week he had another bad fall and has potentially fractured his ankle but won't go get it checked out. The bruising is fading and along with it the memory it was caused through drink. So the week long abstinence broken last night. I can deal with the drinking in the house, it's controllable for him and he won't go out to get more so a 6 pack is the most. It's the when he goes out that is the problem, the bender is only 1 breath away. None of the family are able to help they live elsewhere and in their culture there is no harm in being falling down drunk.

I wish there were adult pull ups like their are for children and then we would have no more wet accidents... There is no violence just the verbal put downs which I now can block out thanks to medication, if I'm asleep there are no arguments.

I'm sorry to sound Whiney, I don't mean to be. I'm just looking for some suggestions. Please know, I am well aware I am not his saviour, I can't help him to stop and he can only stop for himself not anyone else.

Yes, they are right at Al anon and anywhere else they say "you can't do it for him." You can influence him, but he has to decide to actually change. There is, imho, nothing more selfish than an alcoholic or drug addict of any kind. I know, I was/am one.

The development of Peripheral Neuropathy is the only thing that has made me stop drinking this long. That is a sad thing to say because I first went to AA and tried other therapies in 2003. I succeeded at nothing until I got PN. That is pretty pathetic.

Take care of yourself and good luck. Millions of people kick addiction, at least in it's active form. He just doesn't want to yet, to be brutally honest.

I understand the pain
 

As a fellow recovering alcoholic for 23 years
Was married to a cultural man of the stereotype
Irishman that couldn't hold his manners when drinking
It was not a problem yet for myself
I hit my rock bottom in 1992
And thank God the obsession is lifted
But that comes one day at a time
Our character defects well that may take
a while for some and even then a dry drunk
is still a drunk
You stay until it bits you like nothing else has
AA is my medicine for staying sober and being
brutally honest
May your journey free you

Day 5 sobriety
 

Ok, we are on the cycle again. This time after yet another fall and injury I can live in hope it will stick a little longer this time as he needs to have ongoing physio treatment for his foot injury. He walked around for 3-4 weeks with the poor foot and finally agreed to se the GP this am. His last drink was Sunday, no accidents but close calls and one face plant in the door. I think it must have hurt.
How can someone who is just the nicest person with a giving and responsible job be considered a pillar of society yet live such a secret life. Why can't there be more out there to support these individuals rather than just AA and higher power belief and it's 12 steps. He is never going to buy into the religious aspect of it, believe me he has tried but he can't or won't buy into it. He has looked at other options and done a number of courses and knows only to well only he can make the decisions and choices. So anyway day 5.

Then forget the religious aspect. I have seen people have that shoved in their faces until the cows come home, and it doesn't make any difference if they don't want to stop. There is an organization called SMART online that also has some local meetings here and there but not many .....nothing like the availability of AA. He can also see a psychologist, etc, but none of it works if he really wants to drink. Get some help for you, you aren't much good to him or you or anyone if you fall apart. Millions of people have stopped addictions without any help from God (at least none they recognized) or any program or any belief system other than I Don't Want To Be An Addict.

Made it to day 8
 

Went to physio n then shop, oh and then he forgot to come home. His explanation, well I knew you would come n get me. Yes indeed, you had my jolly car. Walk there if you must go, leave the car at home. I'm not happy, not happy at all. Ploms for him rule at the minute poor little old me. I'm looking at flats to rent, I'm over it... Even if it's going to mean I can no survive which I won't well that's just tough, I've lived rough before so can do it again.

Get in touch with groups around you for support. You don't have to go thru it alone. They can help in soooo many ways. jobs, friendship, cariing support, and so on.

I hope it's not frowned upon to link to another site, but you can find people in very similar situations on this forum: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-alcoholics/

Sorry to hear what you are going through, and please don't forget to look after yourself first. Unless he decides for himself to stop the madness, you are dealing with someone who will chose drink over anything else, no matter what the cost, and will continue to do so. The sad thing is that it isn't even "personal" - it's where a lot of us end up after years of alcohol abuse.