making a choice everyday
 

hello to all

might i just add as many forums apply to this woman
a mother of four 33,31,30 and my 16 year old
grandmother of one 3 1/2 i have custody of

suicide is a part of this family
my father killed himself at 48
hand gun to the heart
now my family all come to give it a try
from my epileptic daughter oldest attempted in her
late 20's
my son second child tried several times bi-polar
after he left home in his 20's also

this has all come to light
as i expressed i don't want to go on anymore
but i can't
it's not an option
and i have been hanging on even harder
i have been hanging on since i was a toddler
watched my father rape my mother
when we were in S. Africa
we left that country when i was 5
so you see my fingers really hurt

my 16 year old left last week today
as she walked out the door to get the laundry
that was in the drier
she never came home
and it wasn't 24 hours as she text me
she was safe this was a lie
she walked the streets all night

as my condition heads in the direction
of eventual difficulties i will not be able to do
as there is a decline from last summer to this summer
the immobility just enough for me to see and assess

she left
just like that

and as the time came i needed to call her father
he responds
"and here i go getting pulled into this turd"

and as i call him she was text-ing me if she could come home

i had to let him know
for i would have had to contact the authorities and put out an Amber alert

SHE COMES HOME

her father asking me to tell my daughter
not to speak of her sexuality
as she is gay as my son is
i have no issue with this
apparently her father did
as like he said to her
things get back to him
my daughters girlfriend happens to live
several houses from my daughters father
i have had my daughters girlfriend at my home

now i ask my daughter
i really needed to know
how is it that you could walk out this door
and just leave

she tells me things were just to overwhelming
much of it girlfriend related
having to help me with Eva

there is only one problem
i am giving her a break to enjoy
life a bit before bogging down and
getting her GED and to get back on the horse
she is open to therapy

here goes
i ask her
"what is it that you are not paying attention too

as i am an open book to my children

hope to have been a good role model
a single parent and raised them only with
the help of God
as my ex-husband was obsessed with me and controlling
this was one of the times i felt the Holy Spirit and heard
you will be okay
and i packed his bags
and its been 30 years December 30,1984
he lost sight of his children
i have my love child 14 years later
another problematic situation
as i met him in recovery
i take care of my drinking
i am also a recovering alcoholic 22 years
and understand clearly
only one thing for absolute certainty
no matter what was in the cards
it left me responsible for me and that's it
and my children
in a different way
i told my daughter
i love them

i fight everyday to want to stay alive
and it is the bottom line
every day i fight to stay alive for her and
her siblings granddaughter
i have 2 sisters who need me
i have to fight everyday to stay alive
for her and my granddaughter
and that yes it comes down to helping me where
i can't do it anymore physically

and i have to bare the idea
that any one of us
and everyone of us tried "it"

so i told her haven't you figured out
at this time in your life
things don't happen by themselves
and i have been stripped of my strength
and maimed in the process
each of you children took at least 10 years each
of my life
and just when it is a time i could
be free to be free and live a little
will never be in a form of a vacation

but to know my children are doing well
and are happy
and reach out to Jesus Christ
when they feel they have no one

i told my daughter
i fight everyday for her and the rest of THEM

my family

in Jesus name

amen

You've experienced so much and you must be a very strong and courageous woman.
You are a survivor.
How do we allow our children to become survivors also?
I'm not so sure, but you are having the serious conversations with your daughter, and that's important now.

Those of us who are parents all wish that our children will be well and happy and not feel alone, even when they're no longer little children and become adult children. Sometimes I think that it can take them a life time of living to understand what their parent or parents were actually teaching them or to even understand a little how much of a struggle it was to keep going, often in extreme circumstances. It might be a little cliché these days but I often think of that poem by Kahlil Gibran as I sometimes need to be reminded.
Kahlil Gibran - On Children.
http://www.katsandogz.com/onchildren.html

Thinking of you eva. :hug:

Eva you have lived a hard a troubled life...but you are a suvivor please never forget that

:hug:

David

Oh Eva;

You have been given much to do. Just getting thru each day is a wonder. 22 years of sobriety. My daughter, some years ago, had given me the pamphlet "Why We Were Chosen". (a passage:...."He went not to the proud, the mighty, the famous or the brilliant. He went instead to the humble, to the sick".)

I only wish Carissa would call or email me. Just to talk about anything she would like. Although I only spoke with her a couple of times, (as well as emailed when I forwarded a picture of the painting I did of the Divine Mercy); I know and feel she has so much to offer and really is a very heartwarming loving young lady.

Love & Prayers,

Gerry

my dear friend Gerry
hope you and family are well
you are right about Corissa
she truly is heartwarming
and is good
just too many things going on
and she is reacting to all of it
i do not want to loose a second
child to the world she is not
prepared to do
she crossed the bridge and
went into NYC
this was frighting
i am now getting help
only this too is difficult
trial and error
must do it now
she wants the help
this i must do
love
me
hanging on by my fingertips

Making that choice every day is exhausting!

Pters words:

As to the thoughts, I will be the first to say they are exhausting and, as I have said previously, they tire us to a point where we honestly believe suicide is the only solution. It is not. BEFRIEND and TALK. These thoughts are a part of you, for better or worse. I believe strongly in a physiological connection with suicidal thoughts. Our fear of the thought stimulates a negative physiological reaction which appears to give the negative thoughts enhanced power over us. Step back for a moment and place yourself in an imaginary situation. You see a child running into a busy roadway...you run quickly to save this child from oncoming cars...feel the reaction rising in your body. The adrenaline pounding throughout your body and brain. Now the rescue is over, your alone, feel the exhaustion of your body and mind.

You are rescuing yourself daily, hourly, every few minutes. Each thought evokes a physiological reaction with the end result being exhaustion. Befriend this thought. Treat it as you would the child who ran into the pathway of cars. Hold it, talk to it, teach it that there is another way to walk the roads of life. Post it here and allow others to comfort it. Do not be ashamed of it. What is it really but a thought that wants attention. Understand now, I did not say a PERSON who wants attention but a THOUGHT that wants attention from that person. It is the fight against the thought that tires us and makes us vulnerable to enactment of the thought.

I cannot give you a reason to live. I can, however, take away your reason for dying. An untrained unaccepted thought is not justification for death.

it is every single day
 

i keep telling myself
i will get better
it cannot be like this
much longer
this to shall pass
it's not going anywhere
i am stuck in a dark place
spoke to my shrink
it was releasing
and short lived

i am making the effort
wanting to jump out of bed
and kick butt
i miss the me i was

hanging on by my
faith

it's hard to come
and let loose
for i need to be
truthful

today isn't any different
 

waking up begins
and trouble in paradise
both my youngest
and my second youngest
sixteen and my thirty year old
both struggle with addiction
something that has touched all
of my family from a father amputee
as a young man work related
narcissistic mother
sexually inappropriate doings
to me and my middle sister
i the oldest
my youngest sister spared
although she was nine at the time
had her go into the bathroom while
he was preparing to dress in the nines
in his best was subjected to the gun
he used to kill himself
it sat on the toilet bowl
i had left home already
on my own no knowledge
of what i was going to do
told my shrink
"if i feel as badly the black hole
feeling of doom what was my father feeling
Robin Williams and his demons
i hurt so badly
and if i feel like i do
what could have been so bad
to make that decision"
and my shrink said things
i already knew what he was
saying
and then reality set in
it's not an option right now
i have a family that still need me
my granddaughter in my custody
as mom and now my youngest
are in NA to get back what was taken
only i too understand addiction
a recovering alcoholic twenty years plus
now my youngest celebrating thirty days
every member in one form or another are
functioning addicts
some on the wagon some still fighting
this terrible disease that plagues my lineage
is a terrible trap to be in add depression
another thing that plagues this family
too have fought my demons all my life
only time gives a person wisdom
only i can't shake my feelings and thoughts
but when in that zone and no sign of my brain
letting up
then to find a glimmer
of course my granddaughter
the light the future
odds against her already
with father and mother not doing well
is why i have her till mommy gets well
she needed to get out of the room she was renting
she pulls back painted wallpaper sent me the mold
the black mold
this i am very familiar with
a ten year fight with the landlord
he lost ownership deed to the criminal
way he allowed us to live with just one
of the hazard-est conditions we as tenants
were subjected to
point i know there were nine different mold
spores found
i and a fellow tenant
another single mom of three
fought evil and won
how can i not get her out of there
still in a ill way
it isn't an option
now how much more of this
terrible feeling i am experiencing
my shrink says
with the circumstances of my life
it and i know what he says is true
as i went through the its
it was almost inevitable
okay
but you see this feeling is so strong
to is work in itself and its exhausting
doing the best i can
i just don't know
how depression can be so difficult
to counter
i would do anything
just to feel happiness
the sadness is so deep
and as vast as the ocean
me

putting on my face
 

it's hard enough
having to put on somewhat of a face
but such as a day yesterday
a daughter who is with me
a PCP addict that made me a first time grandmother
and when you don't have control of them
as my child picked up
a good samaritan called an ambulance
as she was in the streets in the day
i a bad way
i can't stop this
just interrupt whenever i can so i can get her
to not get high
one day
that's it
nothing more or less
getting help
she was to go to the doctor
and next a meeting
but decided to get high first
not an option
and many things will interfere
i want it to make simple decisions
to have simple fun
me

and trying to pick a fight
 

this a, a pattern for her to
get what she wants and
do what she does
excuses excuses
it's herself and her ungrateful attitude
not a care in the world
as i make a choice everyday
to stick it out
there isn't an option for me
and with that choice comes
much pain in all kinds of forms
and i want to be well and happy
and this monster has a hold on me
it just isn't fair
what is the defense
i am just a person who tries to
find joy in any little thing i do
where will my love for You shine most
i tell her no excuses will be tolerated
i know and try my best
i get turd in return
my own fault
this much i know
i have custody and doing my best
under the circumstances of all i try real hard to do is keep You
alive

alive

Alive i want to be