Should I Stay?...or...Should I Go?
 

This is my 1st post & my last attempt to get some answers or understanding for my boyfriend's behavior. Tito was only 22yrs old when he struck a tree with the left side of his head. I didn't meet him until 10 yrs after his accident. He has a TBI with short term memory loss & cognative thinking damage. I met him only a few times in person before leaving town for 6 mos. We had a celll phone relationship talking for countless hours & I came back early to be with him instead of only talking with him. EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM SEEMED PRETTY NORMAL...other than occasional forgetfulness. After just two days around him I realized how deeply his injuries affectet him & his daily living, etc... I was pretty involved (and curious) so I stayed with him. That was 2 yrs ago & I am having BIGv problems with him. He has lied to me constantly ans he goes thruogh my personal things daily and takes what he wants. I HAVE RESORTED TO LOCKING MY THINGS UP!! IS LIEING & STEALING RESULT OF HIS TBI? I CAN'T DO THIS!

Welcome tito's girl. :Wave-Hello:

Someone will be along to help.

Maybe he was that way before the TBI and you weren't around him enough to see it??

It sounds as if you need some hands on help.

Perhaps you could contact the Brain Injury Association of America and see if they have any support groups for partners and/or caregivers in your area.

I'm also wondering if your partner sees any doctors at present? i.e. is he taking any medications or getting any treatments that may need changing or adjusting?

Does it matter? Which (stay or go) are you looking for reasons/rationale/justification/permission (the last of which you don't need) to do? Some issues (e.g. violence) are pretty clear-cut; if you're in danger of personal injury or loss of life, you get out—period. Is this a situation like that? If his behavior(s)—whatever they are/may be—put you at personal risk (physically, emotionally, psychologically, financially), then IMO you are justified in getting out—or putting some distance/buffer between you at the very least.

Other issues may be... grayer. In those cases, it may be helpful to get someplace safe where you can take some time to take a step back to think clearly & evaluate the situation. If it helps (and it often does), write out the pros & cons of the current situation AND likely/possible futures/outcomes. Are you equipped (education, experience, temperament, psychologically, emotionally, etc., etc., etc.) to handle this? What are your future expectations?

What if the situation were reversed? Not how would you WANT the other person to react/deal with these issues, but how would you reasonably EXPECT the other person to deal/react/FEEL? How would a REASONABLE person (re)act in your situation?

But bottom line: What are your emotional feelings about Tito? Is it love, guilt, both, something else?

Of course none of these questions need answers here—only in your own mind—which makes complete candor/honesty all the more important.

Best wishes,

Doc

Perhaps, just perhaps, your last statement answers your question.

Of course after 2 yrs., it would be difficult to leave; but living the rest of your life with this constantly going on is almost impossible. The longer you stay, the more difficult it will be to make a life for yourself. He appeared to manage before he met you; most likely he will again go about his life as before.

Hope you will be at peace with your decision.


Gerry

Yes, these are typical brain injury issues. They often seem normal, this is called a "silent disability" because it is not initially evident, like a cast on a broken bone. TBI, especially damage to the frontal lobes, can cause impulsiveness, lack of proper judgement, poor decision making, and other executive function impairments. That "bad memory" is just the surface symptom. Involved with that, there is also poor processing skills, bad "filter", brain fatigue, lack of abstract thinking skills (concrete thinking), and often, bad self-awareness of their impairments. All this adds up to behavioral issues which can and often do lead to stealing and "lying", etc., it's basically just the easiest fastest first solution to a perceived need. Their ability to think things through is diminished, their brain "hits a wall" (fatigue), and decisions are based on immediate first easy way out. So they steal. BUT-- and this is huge -- they don't know they are "lying", they honestly think they are making sound judgments. TBI takes years, if not a lifetime, to heal from, to remember, relearn, and rewire. If you're not up to a major learning curve and possibly a lifetime commitment to learning how to understand and support him, then move on -- but be aware that brain injury can happen to anyone, anytime, and life instantly changes forever. Everyone meets some kind of "end" eventually, and as far as I've figured out the meaning of life, it really is allll about taking care of each other and helping each other to survive as long as possible. Not many of us get the fairy tale ending. But you certainly have the right to pursue that dream. If it hadn't happened to my darling precious son and I had the choice, I would have moved on and been long gone. Sometimes I think only a mother's true love lasts forever...

"...EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM SEEMED PRETTY NORMAL...other than occasional forgetfulness. After just two days around him I realized how deeply his injuries affectet him & his daily living, etc... I was pretty involved (and curious) so I stayed with him. That was 2 yrs ago & I am having BIGv problems with him. He has lied to me constantly ans he goes thruogh my personal things daily and takes what he wants. I HAVE RESORTED TO LOCKING MY THINGS UP!! IS LIEING & STEALING RESULT OF HIS TBI? I CAN'T DO THIS![/QUOTE]