Battle with the dark thoughts...
 

I am naturally a laid back positive person who has been described as a "happy go lucky cheeky chappy". However, after the death of my father, my thirteen year relationship with the woman I worshipped ending, losing my home & pets, then getting my injury which has put me in constant agonising pain, & that then forcing me to lose the job as a graphic designer for a sports company that I loved. All within three years. I am no longer myself. My friends are distancing themselves & I am not close to most of my family. When everything is lost, then there is nothing left to lose. I decided to try & find a way out. I researched the least painful, most successful ways of finding an end to the emotional & physical pain.*admin edit* The only reason I didn't do it there & then was down to the fact that I live opposite a school & I didn't want the children to see anything. There was no way I was going to scare & traumatise innocent young kids because I was in a bad place. That basically saved my life at the point. My younger brother sent me a Snapchat, as he usually did & I responded, only this time I had shaven my head. He instantly knew something was very wrong as anyone who knows me, knows I am quite vain & love my long hair. He came to my flat within minutes & took me straight to the hospital. After that, he sort of 'nurse maided' me for months, attempting to turn me away from the dark place I had fallen into. I can never thank him enough for basically saving me from myself. Twelve months on & I still struggle on a daily basis. I realise that the footing between me & oblivion is very fragile, but by taking things one day at a time, confronting the issues that cause my dark thoughts & trying to reconnect with the "happy go lucky cheeky chappy" that is still inside me somewhere. I miss the old me, however I am trying to be positive about the future & just life in general. I hope that I am over the worst & I wish anyone who is in a dark place the best of luck with your struggle...

Hey bro,
I didn't know you guys really used words like cheeky and chap. I thought that was only on TV :). I lost great graphics job too. what a coincidence. I've attempted suicide a couple of times but trust me something always goes wrong and then you're just trying to get back to where you were before the attempt. I won't be attempting again. I am broke too and miss all the money too. Just keep punching. At least you are trying to get back to the fun guy you were before you injury. I was always pretty miserable lol, so I have to invent a whole new me. Good luck man.

Haha! It was my ex who used to say that. I miss her...

Yea, that is a lot of coincidences... Its sad that other people can associate with the situation because it means they are going through a dark spell too...


And apologies for forcing an edit. I will keep that in mind in future posts...

My short fuse is being lit far to often lately. Im absolutely wired & if anybody upsets me, I am a little freaked out that I may react in a that wouldnt be good for anyone....

I noticed myself getting short with girlfriend today and that it isn't like me. But I'm seeing psychologist and psychiatrist. If you feel that way, make an appointment bro. Wouldn't want you to get In any kind of trouble.

Its a six month wait & I dont have the money to go private. I do have my old therapists contact details as she gave them to me after my sessions finished. We got on really well & told me to call her anytime, but I know she has recently suffered a family death & I dont want to add to her stress... Im sure things will settle down & I just have to keep myself to myself for a while...

At those times
Try to come here
Too get a little help
From the Friends
Who Know
Hang on
Me

Came across this book of poems by E..Bass and couldn't resist...

Don't Expect Applause

And yet, wouldn't it be welcome
at the end of each ordinary day?
The audience could be small,
the theater modest. folding chairs
in a church basement would do.
Just a short earnest burst of applause
that you got up that morning
and, one way or another,
made it through the day.

You soaped up in the steaming
shower, drank your Starbucks
in the car, and let the guy with the
Windex wipe your windshield
during the long red light at Broad Street.
Or maybe you were that guy,
not daring to light up
while you stood there because
everyone's so down on smoke these days.

Or you kissed your wife
as she hurried out the door, even though
you were pretty sure she was
meeting her lover at the Flamingo Motel,
even though you wanted to grab her
by a hank of her sleek hair.

Maybe your son's in jail.
Your daughter's stopped eating.
And your husband's still dead
this morning, just like he was
yesterday and the day before that.
And yet you put on your shoes
and take a walk, and when a neighbor
says Good morning, you say
Good morning back.

Would a round of applause be amiss?
Even if you weren't good.
If you yelled at your kid,
poisoned the ants, drank too much
and said that really stupid thing
you promised yourself you wouldn't say.
Even if you don't deserve it.

****************

by Ellen Bass The Human Line
__________________

it's been a wasted life and that's a shame. it didn't have to be. just could never make the hard decisions in life and head injury symptoms getting worse after 7 years. thought they would stay the same.
cant take noise, terrible pain neck back of head burning body, pulsatile tinnitus and on and on...
Well over three hundred pounds, palpitations, cant really walk anywhere because of head pain/dizziness...this did't have to be...I'm in trouble i guess. and scared.

Wren, you do not have permission to access this page. This could be due to one of several reasons:

Your user account may not have sufficient privileges to access this page. Are you trying to edit someone else's post, access administrative features or some other privileged system?
If you are trying to post, the administrator may have disabled your account, or it may be awaiting activation.


How many pagers are there?

What's happening, wren?
You having difficulty with the site?

Thank you for asking .... This page goes through spells for me ...... for days it will not let me click on anything .... then every thing is fine for a few days ... then back to being unable ......
awwhh - poor me.

That's no good wren.
I don't know why it would be doing that.
If I find something about it on the computer forum, I'll let you know.
I remember you had this problem a while ago as well.
I'm glad you were able to post again now.

:hug:

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm....:hug:

OT Error messages Wren
 

My apologies to Andy_Pablo for being Off Topic again, sorry.

Dear Wren,
Here are some ideas to try to fix your error messages.

:hug:

http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/thread209545.html

Lol, no worries at all ;-)

Struggle
 

Struggle will be hard, and time must tell, heart won from the brink, avoided ravage of hell. Andy, it is no easy path to restore self to safety, yet you have the deep strength to be well in all things. I have been there. The wholeness, the treasure of daily overcoming tempter's call to an "easy solution" is surely worth the effort.

I hope all of the best for you,
A fellow traveler,
Mark56

got sick six years ago just as the market and my 401k hit rock bottom. had to take the money out. 6 years later the market has tripled, people at my old job doing great and raising families in their own houses. God has a great sense of humor. And I hope I can vent just this ONE time without getting responses about how much god loves me blah blah blah. I dont even really believe. it's just I have to put the blame somewhere or ill go crazy.

I understand. I have had too much loss too fast also...deaths, rape, robbery, accident, etc. Overwhelming, turned my world upside down. I isolated and freaked. Had dark thoughts....but I still want to know what is around the corner. Re-inventing oneself can be an adventure. Life's challenges can make us stronger and better, even tho it can be so painful...it also contains joy. When the dark clouds hide the sun in your life, always know the sun is still there.

I was first going to post this as a reply to a TBI/PSC thread about relationships but it belongs here more.

my relationship will likely end soon due to me. My complete surrender to the injury along with my INTENSE hatred of the doctor who gave me oxy and bup together thus making a minor head injury major, is dooming me.

I even pay doctors online to tell me what I already know.
The buprenorphine must be started only in people who have not used oxycodone for at least a day or two.
Paid 18 bucks for that info. Info I already knew 1000 times.

I relive it over and over and over and the ensuing suicide attempts and psych ward visits and horrible pain and loss of career, friends, etc. over and over and over and the medical board finding him not guilty over and over and over and that I started this whole thing by drinking with maois over and over and over.

I don't groom, I don't leave the house. I don't watch TV. I just lay here and think about that doctor like Ahab thought about the whale.
From hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee.

And I was going to post a long reply to you Mark but decided not to. As Dr.Phil would say....."how's that working for you?"

There are so many courageous people on these forums who struggle with pain and disabilities and I am in awe of all of them.

Do you have a church Mark? Is Real Services in your community? People cannot help you if they don't know how you feel and what you need. Please reach out, maybe on your computer and see what's available. :grouphug:

Mark I'm actually kind of scared to reach out to you. But, having been to Captain Ahab Land myself, I know how hearing people appeal to religion, to God, to asking forgiveness can start sounding after a while.

I just want to say that beyond any of that - people are here to help. There is no judgement. And they're here for you. Add me as one more to the list. We're in this together dude.

Mark, Im so sorry to hear that dude. I know that words from others can never really drag you out of the spiral, it is you that has to do it, but I also know how difficult that is... There are a lot of good people here for you dude...

All of you thanks.

How I've managed to stay on this site so long with some of my insane rants and depressing raves is a miracle or we have the most patient, understanding moderators in the world

thank God we do because I NEED this board man. I need all of you guys who just responded and a dozen or even more other people. I hope to need it less and less one day. This board is almost like a hospital. You go in sick, usually come out better and then maybe visit that doctor that saved your life from time to time, or maybe you are chronic and the hospital takes care of you and you help the new patients

At some point it has to be forget the doctor. I can't go near him anyway because Detectives have made perfectly clear that I should not again. :(

But two suicide attempts, a bunch of psych ward stays, ER visits, hospital stays, collapsing in the street several times, chronic pain, tinnitus, loss of friends an family and CAREER!! because of that guy....my hate is building again!!! Someone PLEASE tell me how to let go of the hate for the man that might be the reason I get dementia one day.

Again, thanks guys.

All I can say mate, is dont let him take more from you... He has taken enough & if you let it eat at you, he will take more...

i concur and understand
life as i knew it was taken
job
my passion cooking
going to the bathroom
holding my head up
unable to stand and walk without aid
driving only when going to doctors
doomed how true
and not being able to shake "it"
is scary
as each morning i make that choice
not today
i'm needed
on so many levels
then my head to hold it up
as best i can
and do the best i can
when reminded everyday
what my doctor did to me
i wish for you
to have that feeling of doom be lifted
that there be one thing in your day that can put a smile on your face
that you be blessed by the touch of our Father
i come and find exactly what i need
a friend who feels like i do
be well
in Jesus name
amen

Eva, so you can relate, I see. I also have read your other burdens and I feel for you. For all the people that hit Thank You I appreciate it.
Was feeling good before but a PHONE conversation set off the nerve pain in spine and head lol. It's almost comical..be a lot more comical if it weren't me :)
My mother always says I wish I could take your pain and I say me too!!

Dark thoughts
 

Mark, I so wish I had a magic wand and could wave it to relieve you and all the others on this site who suffer unspeakable burdens. Life has dealt you a severe blow and I read of your struggles often. Doctors - there is little I can say that you don't already know, sadly too many of them live with a "god like" complex. They can do no wrong and they live in the belief that their wisdom is what will save you from yourself. Many of them accept no responsibility for the choices they make and will themselves happiness by telling themselves actions they took were with your permission and what they did was with the intent to help. I can understand your dark thoughts, I have been the victim many times of the medical fraternity and their "I can do no wrong" beliefs, for me, it would be more palatable if they would admit they are human and they have made a mistake, but no, that is not in their makeup. To admit mistakes is human and some of these doctors are just not human....
For anyone reading this, I don't have a downer on doctors, there are many who have been wonderful and I owe them my life on more than one occasion. Those doctors are few and far between, the oath they take to save and preserve life must be an overwhelming thought and so I suppose they can be forgiven for succumbing to their godlike complex. That doesn't help us though does it...
Mark, take your anger and shape it, use it to drive you forward and make a place for yourself in this new life of yours. It sucks I know and my heart breaks for all that you have lost, but please, don't do anything that will take you away from this life as hollow as it is, don't give him that victory. Take small small steps and find yourself a path to something new. Lament no more the life you have lost, use your anger and create a new one. It will by necessity be darkly different to what you had but that's ok. You have friends on this site from all ends of the world, we all have different upbringings and thoughts on how life should be, but we all also have one commonality, the desire to be heard and accepted for what we now are. I enjoy your company on this site, so please stay a while longer and continue to share your thoughts and wisdoms.:hug:

Wow, there are such great people on this board. Some of your stories I know, some I don't but I know everyone here has felt physical or emotional pain or both. I wish you didn't.

I already feel like a complainer with all of your heartfelt responses.

If all of you can keep going with the burdens you are carrying, then I can do no less.

I also can listen too. I guess we hold each other up.

Thats the beauty of this site. Being able to have a vent with understanding & without judgement, but also being able to listen to others & sometimes, hopefully, offer a word or two that helps...

Pam,

Very well put. You write for most of us going thru this "new life" that we didn't ask for or want"; but it is what we have and need to not allow ourselves too long to stay on the "pity pot".

Pray we can pick ourselves up and move forward using what we do have; trying not to dwell on what we no longer have. Am very thankful we here on NT have each other.


Gerry

my dear friend Gerry
i it is so
and the only way to move on
my faith of a miracle
or a new medical finding
to address problems a person may suffer
it has been found embryos are not a option
only for science learned of taking the DNA
of our own self and stem cell may move forward
not taking from a child
i am sure the blood of a newborn from umbilical cord
is precious for internal family line
but that's another issue
this when being reminded everyday why i have to take my meds
in the morning and wait about forty minuets
then to forget and look in the mirror
and be reminded after two years
my oncologist says upon a physical touch
tells me to go back to the reconstructive doctor
there is something wrong
as i had told my augmentation doctor two years after
i was deemed healed and released only what eventually
told to me upon my post two year oncologist recommend
visit and have the truth be told what is called a double bubble
you have followed me enough to understand
a visual reminder of being lied to as with my neurosurgeons
mistake and never owned up to it
resentments Will kill a person
so i try to remember every day
to pray for them
not close to that yet
too not be able to have a feeling of being heard
that they not hurt patients
to be violated on a sexual level by a transporter
employee to take patients from A to B and back to A when a procedure such as an MRI is done
to be lied too at every level possible
is tough
i'm working on it
better most days
the emotional roller coaster draining
to the deep depression that has invaded this mind
something i haven't experienced before as where i am
Now
i have to remind myself
i am needed
no matter how i feel
i have no option at the moment
my love of family
God blessed me with
and to have to be there after they fall
is a must
no option
i know you understand
Corissa send her hello
and hope your doing better
in Jesus i Trust
in His name
Amen

thinking of you

Dearest Eva,

I am happy to hear of your desire to overcome the hurt and anger of what so many in the medical field have caused you, as well as many of us to feel.

Anger will drain us emotionally and physically if we let it. It is we, who feel the added insult done to us . As Pam put it; it would be nice for just a little admitting some of the errors; but "no"; not going to happen. Most, if not all, will go along there merry old way and not give a second thought to those they have caused harm. So harboring the anger will only affect us. I know it is easier said than done. I have worked and prayed hard to let it go for I know it is I who will suffer the most.

Let Corissa know she has touched me personally. I do so want her to be the person I know in my heart she is.


Gerry

Eva,
I know the feeling of having a doctor mess you up, the pain has been excruciating the past week. The pain makes me feel like I have the flu and I just want to curl up.
Some choice. I stay alive and my nephew and niece hate me because I don't show up at parties and they think I don't care or do the unthinkable and they resent me.
I'm not suicidal, what's the point. it's not like when I die i'll be able to say wow, I'm dead and not in pain anymore'
Eva, in a haunting conversation I had with a friend before I got sick, I said I would never use a cure founded upon use of fetuses. Not for religious reasons. Just didn't feel right. Now, I don't know what I would decide.
The good thing is they're so far from curing head injuries and thalamic pain I don't have to worry any time soon.
Didn't mean to offend anyone either way. hope I didn't.
Never made it to city see DBS surgeon in city. just don't feel well enough to get there. the thing I hate most about what happened with the doctor is he brought fear into my life. I was never really afraid of much. Now I am afraid all the time. There are people on the TBI/PCS website that are suicidal after two months, I'm going on 84 lol. What makes me so much stronger? That's what scares me. That stinks.

The days of fetal stem cells are just about over.

Science has found a way to harvest cells from the patient and to culture them into stem cells and reimplant them.

This is called autologous stem cell treatment:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autolog...ransplantation

In the cases requiring embryonic stem cells, still... those are harvested in special ways. (before the fetus develops in fact)

http://www.cirm.ca.gov/our-progress/...-cell-research

What did i do? i threw everything away for a few beers on a pill i should't have been on. oh god what did i do. i used to sleep normal, and feel fine. and no tinnitus. and no pain. no men problems and a very good job. God what did i do. what did i do. i'm sorry mom and dawn. i'm very sorry. I reember thinking that night that i made it. i was 37 and even after all my screwups i was still gonna have a house and a car and a family. what did i do. i thew awy my one life and ruined others. i'm sorry. i was supposed to take care of mother the last 7 years. not her me. and the pain never stops.
This wasnt a practice ilfe. This is the one a get. i worked so hard to get to where i was. it makes no sense.
DAwn is making plans alot and i ont blame her. who wants to be in the house all the time. but i'm too sick to go with her anywahere.
is this it. stuck in the hosue for the rest of my life to feel mental and physical pain and reget. seveh years later and it still hurts. wht did i do.

Hang in there dude...

dear friend
 

if i may
for you Mark

our Father
who is in Heaven
hallowed be thy Name
Thy kingdom come
Thy Will be done
on Earth as it is in Heaven
give Us this Day
Our Daily Bread
and Forgive us Our Trespasses
as WE forgive those who trespassed
against us
lead us not into Temptation
BUT deliver Us from EVIL ONE (them dark thoughts)
for Yours is the Kingdom and the power and the Glory
forever and Ever
Amen
Author: Jesus Christ

Grant me the Serenity
to Accept the Things
i cannot Change
the Courage to Change
the Things i Can
and
the Wisdom To
Know
the Difference

i have to believe
we will be rewarded
it is promised

"he who covers his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy".

Psalm 38 may it bring you at peace in your pain

i understand

hanging on

me

God, just let me outlive my mother without the symptoms getting worse, without dementia or obvious cognitive problems. Let me hide the suffering from her until she goes. After that, you can do to me what you want.

hi Mark

you really are having a bad time....

can i draw your attention to your signiture

"You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done!"


Powerful words Mark.....words that hold the clue to the turmoil you are dealing with...........

life is at times ugly......it throws out things that even the strongest shoulders can't carry.............

doesn't mean your weak..it means you have to learn another way to cope....

i have Bi-polar and have many dark days....but i try to live.....because thats all i can do.... try.......

i work with homeless people...........many have addiction issues and or mental health problems........i tell them all WRITE YOUR LIFE STORY..................because while you are writing you are venting.....while you are venting.....you are healing.... because you are off loading your thoughts and emotional baggage.............its the baggage that kills us not illness.........baggage is the illness. [negative unhelpful thoughts & memories]

whats worse a life of regret...or...regret that you haven't lived?

KEEP MOVING FORWARD MARK

David