Relationship problems
 

Hello all,

Finally had my fog lift after just over 3 months and was able to look around and see past my own nose. My fiance, or whatever I should call him now, seemed pretty unhappy. After a heart to heart, he basically told me that he doesn't want to get married anymore, that he doesn't see a future in our relationship, that he wants to remain friends, and that he thinks living together is a bad idea.

I've only been out of the fog (emotional, cognitive, visual, dizziness, pain) for a week, and I feel myself slipping back in. I don't feel like I'm in the clear. Pain and insomnia, insecurity, intense sadness and despair, along with the mental static these create, have returned. I'm not back at work yet.

So, what do I do? My next appointment with my psychologist isn't for two weeks. I'm trying to find a relationship counselor that specializes in PCS/mTBI. My grounding mantras (I am safe, I am/want to be happy, I am/want to be healthy, I live/want to live with ease) aren't working, namely because I found a great amount of safety in my relationship. I'm so angry and hurt that my love withheld communication from me, even if it was to protect me, because it (along with my injury) may is costing us so much. I'm trying to focus on being loving, but still having problems with being really emotional and fearful, and I find myself reacting in ways I'd rather not.

Best,

awwwebbie
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A week and half after moving into a new house with my fiance/partner of 8 years and his teenage daugter, after living on my own for 9 years, I was hit by a car while riding my bike. I suffered an mTBI with PCS from multiple blows to the head, unconscious for less than a minute with no memory of event. Hit the back of my head, and above right eye. MRI and CT negative. Symptoms included constant headaches (migraine, pressure, tension), dizziness, tinnitus, visual changes, photophobia, fatigue, "spacing out", word finding and other cognitive difficulties, depression, and emotional lability.

As of 8/26/14 considered myself 50 percent improved, with pt (occipital release, manual therapy for neck, VOR, VOM) speech therapy (cognitive rehab), craniosacral therapy. Still unable to work due to congnitive difficulties, vision problems, pain, and fatigue.

On or shortly following 8/28/14, introduced new dietary modifications (Turmeric 500mg 3xday, longer time between meals, abstinence from all nightshades), increased exercise (had been walking), and added massotherapy and cognitive behavioral therapy for pain, anxiety and depression.

Had accupunture for the first time on 9/8/14. Felt exhausted afterward with pain sharply increased. Have yet to follow up - need to find out what this means.

9/9/14 - Neuropsych testing, awaiting results.

As of 9/13, feel 70 - 80% improved in all areas. Continuing with PT, speech therapy/conitive rehab, massotherapy, dietary modifications (including multiple supplements), exercise, juicing, cognitive behavioral therapy, meditation. Will start vision therapy soon for convergence insufficency and difficulty focusing. May continue with accupunture or may not. Confirmed today that my recent suspicions (over the past week) that my relationship has suffered direly are true. This is a horrible shock. I'm pushing for couple therapy, so hopefully that can be added on as well. I've come this far and I'm not giving up.

Welcome awwwebbie. :Wave-Hello:

Someone will be along to help.

I am very sorry to hear about your troubles. I can relate as my husband is having an increasingly difficult time with this. We have had two of the "heart to hearts" you mentioned and he is fearful that I will never be myself again and is frustrated that I'm almost 2 months out and have back stepped more than I have moved forward.

I just keep explaining to him that I need and love him very much. I told him that it's difficult for him to "see" how I feel because almost all PCS symptoms aren't physical. Things happen in life that we cannot explain for better and sadly worse which is what has happened. I just keep having strong faith that the big picture will be seen one day and I will use my weakness to be someones strength. Hard to imagine now, I know.

I struggle just as you do with showing love whether it be physical or emotional to my spouse. I just have to keep explaining that some days its all I can do to get out of bed and breathe. I don't see any harm in going the relationship therapy route.

I will say a prayer and I hope that you pray too for God to intervene and shed light to guide your path. If you haven't heard of a daily devotional called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young- it has brought much comfort in a time that is very hard. It encourages me to be patient and say the things I need to communicate with my spouse.

"Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path" Psalm 119:105

over
 

He doesn't want to work on it. He trusts the feeling in his gut (which developed during my the months of misery) and that's it. We had a special love. Or not, I guess. I'm so deeply hurt. Too much stress. He says my injury isn't a factor. Is this even possible?

Welcome to NT, sorry to hear of your injury and relationship struggles.

My guess is that your injury may have contributed to, but is probably not the root cause of his decision. To me a "special love" would have included a deep heartfelt caring that would have included helping you as your caregiver and otherwise encouraging your recovery.

Sounds as if you are making good progress otherwise, and your CBT and other therapies should be helpful in recovering from the relationship challenges as well as the residual PCS symptoms.

Wishing you continued recovery, wellness and peace. :hug:

I agree with lightrail. It sounds like while you were struggling most, he realized how shallow his feelings were for you. It sounds like he may have expected to get more from your relationship that he puts in and when you were struggling, he realized you could not always fill his neediness.

Better to learn this now than later. Statistics are not good for marriages where one person suffers a brain injury.

My best to you.

I went through the same type of thing with my fiance last year. She stuck it out for about three months and then basically said that she wanted to have fun in life, not sit at home with me.

It was tough at the time, I was going through my worst setback at the time and she didn't understand what I was going through or didn't really care anymore.

I do believe it's for the best though, like Mark said, rather find out now than later in life when we have kids and splitting up isn't as easy as giving back the apartment key.

I learned a great deal about myself and about people around me. I have several friends that really stepped up without my asking and really helped me through tough times, no questions asked.
And then other people, who I thought were close to me at the time turned their backs on me...