I admit it(Trigger)
 

Trigger

Please beware that this post may be a trigger.
.
.
.
.
.
.

I was suicidal last night but got through it. Whenever I've taken more than enough medicine in the past I did it out of anger/frustration which is a very bad state for me. I thought about how difficult my life has been for so long and how I'm tired of being so alone. When people in 3-D are nice to me they seem to want to use me and quit being nice once once I decide to stop being used. My husband screwed my head up so bad with the emotional abuse that I think it's going to take years of therapy to get straight if I ever do. I really have no one in 3-D life who gives a hoot. I am suppose to have someone stay with me the day I have my colonoscopy but I don't. I have in the 1st time in my life never been so all alone. That was also on my mind last night mixed with all the anger from people just being so insensitive in 3-D. Then I thought about my online friends and told myself if I could just go to sleep I would turn to them. Last night I was paranoid about even posting about my condition as I was scared some how I'd end up in the hospital.

Today I feel so much better although the issues I have are still there.

befuddled2

:hug: Barbara :hug: I'm so proud of you getting through this. I've been there many times but I'm weak. You are a very strong person and there's a lot of people here who care for you so much. :hug: I haven't been able to get my words to come out right so I've just lurked. But I've followed along reading all your posts and your tenacity in getting through all this "crap" life is throwing at you.

Stay strong, keep positive thoughts. There is an end to all this and I'm praying really hard that the sun will shine in your life real soon. :)

BTW, I loved that Elvis pic. :D

Dear Befuddled.
I am glad that you are feeling more grounded today.
Sorry that you are feeling alone.
Is there any volunteer opportunities to get you out amongst other people?
A soup kitchen can always use help....or perhaps a human society or some other interest that you have.
Ya know there are chat rooms here with people who are night owls...there are other chat rooms too with yahoo etc. so if you feel like you want to make conntact with another being that is always an option. Also there is a suicide hot line number that I will link for you.
If you did not know There is also a suicide survivor (S.O.S.) forum here as another place for support...it is under the general listing.....
and there is a depression forum too.
I try to get support from different places on line and would encourage you to do this as well.
I am sorry that this is so hard for you....
hang in there better days are coming.
:hug:
bizi

hot line number to talk to someone.
I got this from another site here:
a hotline number for you to call if you would like
to talk to someone in person:
Phone numbers-

1-800-273-TALK
1-800-273-8255

1-800-SUICIDE
1-800-784-2433

((((((Barbara)))))),

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v9...bears-mini.gif

I'm proud of you. I'm glad that you didn't do anything to take you away from us.

Basically, Barbara, those of us that have come through (and survived) bad marriages have to recreate our entire lives. We have to learn how to be OK with being alone. We have to learn to lose the instinct to hurt ourselves when life gets too hard or too lonely.

It's possible. I've done it. It's **HARD**.

You might want to read "Journal of a Solitude" by May Sarton. I love her books; especially, the journals. Also, "One Hundred Years of Solitude" by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. There's another one, too, one of my favorites. About a woman whose life falls apart so she moves to the Cape for the winter and ends up staying much-much longer. I sold that one by mistake (I might have the name in my journal).

These 'alone times' are the best times to sort out all the thoughts that are running through our heads.

'Things' that bring up these crisis feelings are also things that need to be worked on either with a therapist or written about in a journal until you understand why you have this reaction.

You can't always depend on another person to bring laughter and love and flowers into your life. If those things aren't there right now, get them for yourself

BIG HUGS (and love).

Barb http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v9...ding-hands.gif

Thank you BP, Bizi, and Barb.

BP, you must be be stonger than you think. Thank you so much for the nice comforting words.

Bizi, that is wonderful advice to spread myself around more. Thank you for the phone numbers also.

Hi Barb. I'm not a good reader at all but thanks for the recommendations anyway. I hope things for you are good. I did come to the conclusion that I do not like having complete silence or nothing going on around me because I do not like the thoughts that enter my mind during that time.

befuddled2

Barbara I want to share a very wise mans' words with you...

As to the thoughts, I will be the first to say they are exhausting and, as I have said previously, they tire us to a point where we honestly believe suicide is the only solution. It is not. BEFRIEND and TALK. These thoughts are a part of you, for better or worse. I believe strongly in a physiological connection with suicidal thoughts. Our fear of the thought stimulates a negative physiological reaction which appears to give the negative thoughts enhanced power over us. Step back for a moment and place yourself in an imaginary situation. You see a child running into a busy roadway...you run quickly to save this child from oncoming cars...feel the reaction rising in your body. The adrenaline pounding throughout your body and brain. Now the rescue is over, your alone, feel the exhaustion of your body and mind.

You are rescuing yourself daily, hourly, every few minutes. Each thought envokes a physiological reaction with the end result being exhaustion. Befriend this thought. Treat it as you would the child who ran into the pathway of cars. Hold it, talk to it, teach it that there is another way to walk the roads of life. Post it here and allow others to comfort it. Do not be ashamed of it. What is it really but a thought that wants attention. Understand now, I did not say a PERSON who wants attention but a THOUGHT that wants attention from that person. It is the fight against the thought that tires us and makes us vulnerable to enactment of the thought.

I cannot give you a reason to live. I can, however, take away your reason for dying. An untrained unaccepted thought is not justification for death.

__________________

Those were written by Pter on the SOS forum at OBT years ago and there are about the smartest words I've ever read regarding suicidal thoughts.


We understand those thoughts...the ones that come in the night when we are supposed to be asleep. Please know that you can learn to redirect those thoughts. :hug:

Barbara I'm alone too and some times it's soooo hard to not just take the easy way out. I get so tired of the emotional and physical pain, the ups and downs and just "things" in general and I get crazy thoughts. But then my cat comes and sits in my lap or cuddles against me and I stare in those eyes and I think "HE NEEDS ME". Or I wake up, or let's say get out of bed :) , and the sun is shining and the birds are chirping and I think heck, I don't want to miss this. :D

This too shall pass. Try to stay strong.

:hug: Barbara :hug:

Thanks Alffe and BP again.

Alffe, your words are very thought provoking. Thank you.

Hi BP again, as I sat outside today and looked at the garden I planted I thought of how proud I am of them. It is nice you have a cat. I'm not allowed any pets here but perhaps some gold fish would be nice to take care of. My shrink did say that people who have something to worry about seem to be happier than those that don't.

befuddled2

Having someone or something need you is so important Barbara. My pdoc told me the same thing. My cat needs me, my garden needs me, my feral cats need me. And if I wasn't here I'd destroy all of them. It's so comforting to be wanted and needed and having your name called out in the wee hours of the morning even if it's a meow. :)

And if you get goldfish they would need you and so do your plants. :D

Dear Befuddled,
How's your breathing and the pain that sent you to the ER the other night?
What are you doing tomorrow? Do you have a plan to make sure that you are around other people?
Do you have at least one place where you can volunteer?
I'm glad that you are still here today. Be good to yourself.
Mari