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i don't want to feel anymore
for it is all pain
all sadness all crap hitting the fan i don't want to be the go to person i want to go on i am lost in this depressing world i have no desire for sadness to plague me first thing waking up all hours of the night crying feeling like turd hands and feet do not function upon waking my fingers they are such a necessity my feet upon standing i be doing the shuffle too sit on the potty is pain as squatting has become more difficult my physical life is declining as the hours move on my life prior from my becoming ill I WAS Wonder Woman guess what the operative word is capable of doing so much now it hurts to fart from the back up burp from my neck down heck to speak of such things sick really sick i qualify i just do not want to be that negative mean WOMAN why have i given up i want to be happy just not happening |
You don't want to feel any more.
I will feel for you.
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if you could arch your back as much as you can reach your arms to the sun feel it enjoy it me |
Feeling
Alas, my back is bent and broken,
I cannot raise my arms to the sun, Huddled and cold I lay here, Yet, still I feel your warmth. |
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thank you you understand as many do i so am happy to know you and to learn of your Spirit don't ever loose it i thought i let things go and turn it over to God i am just so angry cannot hold that knife and delve into my passion cooking taken away i am a sap right now again thank you for your positive vibe You are my blessing today Amen me |
Dear eva
You are not the negative mean woman !
I feel your pain....been in bed most of this week. I had been doing pretty well and have no idea what happened but out of the blue I was down and out. Only got up to eat and use the bathroom and it hurts my hand when I wipe after I tt ! No giving up you hear ? You are a very strong woman and have always shown that in your writings. It's ok to be down just don't stay there my friend. Please let us know how you are doing because we care about you. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Debi from Georgia |
Debi
how have you been dealing with
the ever caring devil that gets to screw with me quite a bit for a very long time and it baffles me that God will allow him to screw with me for so long not months most my life like i written in the past a gray cloud over my family i am ever so sorry you are bed ridden that makes me sad there is so much laundry a sixteen year old who is the laziest of all my children and in puts a strain on our relationship things that are expected especially in the common areas this is a job in itself do you have a loved one that cares and listens (STILL) as we go through what we do my eldest daughter Saraeve my angel expressed how angry she is at my illness this from a woman whose life was cut at the knees @ 23 she was kicking butt had to change her career she is a recognized poet and a publishing company will be publishing a "BOOK" that's is right a book how awesome is that a epileptic 2 brain surgeries removal of part of her occipital lobe removed the trade off permanent blindness 10 years of depression as she still suffers it was not successful and now has a VNS implant in her chest area she too suffers clinical depression i have four children and a grand mama i'm called mimma i hope your funk leaves you in one breath dear Lord let debi and myself feel some relief in Jesus name thank you for being a friend and has made me understand she too is in a awful funk sending you hugs of love me |
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Eva, With all that's going out with your children; it's understandable to be down; but; and the "Big But....is smiling little Eva. When you get a chance will you please post a picture of her. Those "beautiful dark eyes". I probably don't have it right; but I know she would call you something like MeMaw. Hang in there with me my dear friend. Some of the meds may have lost their effectivenes. Meds for depression at times, actually can add to the depression. It takes quite a while to get the right dose; even for just a shot time. How much longer will you need to be on the Tamoxifien?? Love & Prayers, Gerry |
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i am on Femra that replaces the Tamoxifen kicking my butt the sweats are back on 100 mg Zoloft Generic there isn't much change on a depressive state since on the Femra many changes terrible my hands and feet my skull my ears i feel it all so unusual do not even know to explain it just do thank you i'll be hanging in there there is no option and it be Corissa and Eva love to you and family during this very holy time happy birthday Jesus AMEN me |
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Eva, It seems you had many of those issues when you first went on the Tamoxifen. Was there any special reason for the change? I think at the time you posted you were going to have to take the Tamoxifen for 5 years. It must be 3 or 4 years that you first started taking it. I think?? Have you tried Paxil for the depression? Hope you, Corissa, and little Eva had a loving Christmas. Take care dear friend, Gerry |
Dear Gerry
January 12th 2012 is my anniversary date you have been following i had to change because of the meds my shrink had me on it did not work with the prozac he put me on lexepo put me in the state i am unable to shake off the desire to go home It has zero to do with my children even with all emotional pain inflicted by my son never a thought i wish i hadn't had children it was time to come off of the tamoxifen and a additional 5years on the new drug Femera i have been put on it for about 6 months and it is this drug that made nausea a all day thing he sweats are back oh how i remember those nights changing my pj 2-3 times a night there is a constant discharge sometimes it has a hue of pink to it i will see Mark my Oncologist nest week i am going to ask him if i could go back on tamoxifen right now i am on morning 60mg oxycontin pain twice a day 4mg zanaflex muscle relaxer three times a day 1mg xanax anxiety twice a day 2.5mg femera once a day 100 zoloft once a day 5mg oxycodone once a day break thru taken with hope for some help a miracle is what i'm hoping for in any form that keeps me HAPPY PLEASE SOME HAPPINESS I pray that your Christmas was everything you hoped for love us |
A Smile
If I had but one smile
Left in my life. I would wish it upon You. |
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just beautiful me |
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I have to agree !!!! Gerry |
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You sure have quite a lot there. Nausea is one of the worst things personally will bring me close to tears. Hope you can get that changed. I take 60 mgs Oxycontin ever 6 hrs = 4 a day and the Oxycodone (Percocet) 7.5 mg's up to 4 a day for break thru. They really help when pain breaks thru to bring it a little more tolerant. Also take Vallium which is not only for anxiety but for muscle pain. The Vallium really does help with the muscle pain. The nightly Ambien CR really helps get a decent amount of sleep. It seems to act like anesthetic . No pain for at least a little while. I really hope you can find the right medication for the depression. Pain brings depression; but it seems like you are dealing with more than just depression from pain. Gerry |
Dearest Eva :)
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I'm Grammy to my grandchildren...ages 8 to 17. My son lost his way in June but found us again this month. He had to find his way back by himself. Nothing I could do for him at that point. Finally stood up for myself for the first time ever with either of my kids. After what I've been through I realized I have to protect myself, my sanity, my happiness. I think of you often and hope you get relief. Your daughter is an amazing woman ! I know you are so proud of her. And yes, I have a 'someone' to talk to. I also have a wonderful daughter that listens to me, cooks for me and is who I rely on for almost everything. She has strong shoulders that girl of mine. Take care and know I'm thinking of you sweet Lady :) Debi from Georgia |
how much more sadness must i go through
well the days of a new year i upon us shortly
the cold is here to much to do just to get ready to go anywhere my eyes open find i have slept in fetal position all night then to stretch out my body take my morning meds with hot coffee to get it in my system as quick as possible and strong coffee with the headache i have every morning doctors orders rather than taking otc pain relief and then i'll pinch the skin between my my thumb and pointer finger try it sometimes especially when it's kicking my gut is empty waiting for my belly laughs i do not know what happened to me in every way does this mean the devil gets a piece of me it is not him i seek it is my Almighty Father with that worn flannel shirt that has the smell of true love my angels who are my protectors as i ask the angels assigned to watch over each of my family members i do not know why i am in this terrible funk well the years are coming and going hope to still have the opportunity for love in my life from a human being who is open to getting to know and come to love who i am in Jesus name who can make anything happen the happiness of my children priority yet i don't want to be forgotten Father i love you and must trust in you those who feel as i do and cannot shake it don't do anything at all there Will be another day love me |
Our dear eva :)
Who would ever forget your dear, sweet, wonderful writings ?
You walk with the Father and keep the faith for a lot of us on here. Good things are coming your way. I have faith. Debi from Georgia |
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that was a present in disguise this is a wonderful place AMEN |
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Take time for your Good Self, you are worth more than you know. Dave. |
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me |
Debi,
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I am so happy to learn your son is back. That had to been so difficult; but you were wise to leave it to him to find his way back. Wishing more good things will come your way in 2015. Gerry |
how important our hands are
the pain so bad last night
my hands i speak of was unbearable the water works not making anything feel better a reminder of my decline something i don't want to know i am dropping most everything eventually in my day i'd say 50 drops of whatever might be in my hands eventually falls i could take meds such as Lyrica it was one of several we tried for my neurological damage and problems with the side effects deadly blisters in my mouth heart palpation and i do remember my hands and feet were pain free magic number was 4 tablets i forget how many mg i will not experiment anymore and to read all the problems people have coming off the drug i'm glad my body did not have a chance to become a necessary intake for being on it for that amount of time my choice hence my pain as i clearly understand i have two independent things going on mechanical and neurological unable to take meds for neurological cannabis Does help with the burning or cold but mostly the pain so bad i am itching my hands and feet so for whatever it's worth i can only do such when available so many things screwed up just keep going on though depression has set in and has made itself at home in my brain most know how i type with an pencil eraser head my hands me |
It's not your hands that make you drop,
But gravity playing her cruel tricks As she does when she takes my legs away. Our medications give us hope, Then savagely take away - The side effects causing more pain. Typing with pencil end, as I type one-fingered, Sight double and blurred, deleting - Yet still making the Connection. The natural Weed brings the relief That chemicals fail to provide. God, in His Infinite Wisdom. Depression in the mind, of the mind, Fought by love of Grandchildren, Family, friends - The Lord. |
precious
me |
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Eva, I well remember the side effects of Lyrica. I was on for it a few weeks. Felt like ants were crawling up and down my legs. I needed off and off I did . As you say, reading all the problems dealing with getting off the Lyrica, I am glad I didn't stay on for long either. So sorry you are dealing with this awful depression. So many of our meds side effects are "depression". With having to accept the inability to function as previously; it is a prescription for depression worsening. Love & Prayers, Gerry |
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thank you for being here for me know you have saved me at times a wise woman |
it has a hold on me
the most depressing birthday ever another year big deal though this pain this pain is the one that never leaves me |
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The Pain bites harder, The Mood grows darker, The World is Hateful. My Thoughts come warmer, My Love grows stronger, The World is Mellow. Dave. |
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Eva, I do agree the 24/7 pain is a constant uninvited interference in our lives. Before bedtime, I pray not to fear starting a new day. I realized fear was one of my biggest enemies. Just knowing what awaits; the spine pain, along with the heavy pailful legs; but the worst is the burning ankles and feet making walking; even with a cane quite unsteady and difficult. Unfortunately when I anticipate the pain; fear take over and it becomes even worse. Again; one day at a time; hoping for a little laughter. Eva; you remember the "belly" laugh. How often you would include that in your sign off; Praying you will once again experience the laughter. Gerry |
my body hurts so badly
no sense talking about that
when me |
no change
all remains the same
and the explanations make no sense i have no desire to get me going me |
This brain of mine
I have so many thoughts that go thru this very very sick yet educated myself with my life lessons
and less thank a week i woke up with the feeling i have to get ready for work my routine changed in a moments rest before getting in the shower as everyone slept ONLY i eventually and quickly realized i have no place to go this is what i have been trying to explain until it came to me last week my eldest daughter expressed to me how i shouldn't have had any children maybe i shouldn't have been born not the case where do i put that crazy i'm not out spoken i could be i am not in any good way so many things terrible things going on and all of it out of my hands my not wanting to feel is a constant what was going through my mind until she rang the doorbell at 12:30 in the morning not hearing from her all day because she bailed him out in my mind she was chopped up her body parts scattered no teeth hands or feet this is what was on my mind yesterday evening i ask anyone how does this mind go there this is nuts am i nuts depression evil thoughts all unwanted to be held and told it will be just fine rest get better and don't worry i'll take care of things for a bit my dream that's all it is tired of all my heart a stone tired of hearing i still hear a fight in you done me |
When our mind is Dark, our thoughts easily turn to the Dark and Twisted, no matter how much we fight. We are vulnerable to our inner weaknesses, I offer no solution to this - I have little for myself.
However, you have the inner strength of your loving Faith to draw on. You have the outer strength of your Friends here, loving and willing for you to improve, to feel some respite. Let those strengths support you through the days and nights. Dave. |
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I have you and so many others here Who love me and keep me going as i am near giving up I am tired of everything I have you and others keeping me Afloat Afloat Amen |
Dear Eva,
Regarding what your daughter said to you... please try to remember that sometimes children, even grown up children, say things out of their own pain that hurts us deeply. Then again sometimes they just say things for a reaction I guess. :rolleyes: Sometimes they need a bit of tough love. Straight talk! It's not right how some treat those that love them the most. You're in a very deep hole of a depression there at the moment. I'm not sure I've ever seen you so sad and in so much obvious pain. Apart from everything that's going on there at home for so long that is so complicated, it appears you have been left in a position of being responsible for so many despite your serious medical problems and subsequent treatments. I wonder if everyone just expects you to cope with it all because they can't, or is it that they know and expect you to be able to deal with everything because that's what you always have done. It's a bit different now. Things have changed for you somewhat with illness and time and changes and now it's really you who are the one needing the support. I remember you talking on one of the threads about medications. I would have to wonder if some medications that you have been prescribed are perhaps not a good mix and if this is making you feel worse right now? Considering all that you have been through, especially in the last couple of years, you have to remember that you are strong. You are strong and you will get through this period of time. You've done it before and you can do it again and if it feels too bad, please call for help. :hug: |
Dear Eva,
While I had my short break I had the chance to see my Medical Records and found - unbeknownst to me - I was diagnosed with Depressive Personality Disorder in '89. I read up on this 'controversial' Psychiciatric diagnosis and now understand that - in some of us - our brain chemistry makes us more likely to become severely Depressed. Perhaps your brain chemistry is similar to mine. The Depression is still there to deal with, caused by our pain, our inability to be able to DO, the way we are seen and treated… BUT, analytically, IT'S NOT OUR FAULT! We cannot control the brain chemistry we were born with any more than we can control the colour of our eyes. Our Depression feeds on itself, we give it power over us in our inability to break free. Accept our brains are different and take a little piece of relief in that. Dave. |
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you have certainly been paying close attention thank you for being real to be brutally honest i do this hoping others will talk i have never be in a state of depression that tugs at me to just do away with myself i have learned that my culture will take their own life to inflict harm an sadness this my father did for sure i know my mental issues were living in this body when i saw my father rape my birth parent under the age of five clearly vivid frighted me (mother) to the core as i remember so much more when living in South Africa where i and my sister were born my first attempt to kill myself i opened the Bible said to God speak to me randomly opened it Psalm 6 verse 6 and decided to hang around until now watching Mass this morning the message seemed to be just for me to hear though certain many felt the same i don't know when my depression took over BUT IT IS HERE with a vengeance it has been a while now and i must talk about it for its grip is solid as the sermon message was "stop making excuses" and as much as the pain turn to anger turn to blame turn to i don't want to go anywhere yes Lara i was that kick butt mom until i became ill physically this is what i do something needs fixing i am the go to person come to think of it i have been the go to person since as tiny as i can remember So God, strike me if what i say isn't the truth i have had many adversities in my life some i brought on myself i don't understand with everything that a woman goes through just on a monthly basis until our menses stops as child bearing years should be over am i disappointed sadly as i have made adult decisions for the better of my families mental health and survival whatever the status might have been in the past I KNOW i put my children first even before my drinking would start no missed doctors as they grew dentist, glasses overall yearly well check not to have anyone to teach me of the importance but i knew and then they grew with much knowledge i passed on to them and then they grew even more mentally gave them as best i could the understanding there IS something greater then us God a foundation a beginning to an end i do not want to go on anymore not anything i believe my children understand as they to tried one by one it is only now for some Godly reason i have no desire my sadness indescribable i have been weaned off Zoloft as i was unable to handle the side effects from the femra back to tamoxifen Zoloft lessens the effectiveness of my cancer drug so Lara my brain is not right with all these changes just the drugs themselves then you bet they think i can manage with what is at hand and i can't Lara i can't without hurting i want out of my own head and there is only one way that can happen shut all the lights out what good am i i have reached my threshold just call my child in asked her if outside my room the house is in order she says yes i say okay i'll come and see she says please don't come out i wanted to tell her i don't ever want to come out but i didn't she has her own issues at almost seventeen where can i help when i am in a Devils hole i cannot even take myself to a hospital to take care of me my grandchild needs me to be okay or she will be taken my body for the most part dictates what the day will be like then the brain always there and always conscious of how i can or can't be a part of the world and that world was my immediate family now i come to you and this place of others who have helped by reading about what has happened to them physically oh the remorse i have for a man i trusted with my body failed me and never respected his oath never to harm so Lara i am at the end of the tunnel the light has turned to amber chips that have given there all i was to late just to darn late and worn today Gods word i am not to make any excuses i just will be just be i send you much love holding just holding me |
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i am in hope such as reading what you shared HELLO MENTAL HEALTH I SAID HELLO ANYBODY, ANYBODY ANYBODY THERE WHO IS NOT BEING HEARD I AM SO SORRY i am here me |
dear Lara
i have to also let you know
as the country is not serious about mental illness add to that physical ailments the kind like you say invisible to another other than my bloody pain and i find myself talking in a excuse like manner never wanting to go there my depression without a doubt a collective intrusion i want so badly NOT to feel like this i am now on my way to apply for medical insurance for my sixteen year old and granddaughter appointment has been made will return and pick up where i left off much love to the world i am ill this much i know i have family with me there is no option me |
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