I'm a Survivor
 

Hi everyone. I am a survivor of suicide and just recently last Monday was suicidal for the 1st time in about 17 years. I live alone and will soon be divorce from a very bad man. I have a lot of problems pyschologically because of many years of emotional abuse that turned to physical abuse from my soon to be ex-husband. I am having a great deal of trouble dealing with people now as since 99 I basically had been isolated. It seem that people love to pounce on easy prey like me and it sometimes often puts me back into isolation.

I am more hopeful now. I normally post in the BP forum.

befuddled2

Yes
 

You are and hopefull is good. :) Sue

Thanks Sue,

The people here like you are of great comfort and support.

befuddled2

It's so hard to get back into the mainstream of life when you've been a victim for so many years...your self image must be propped back up until you feel joy and hope again. (easier said than done..:hug: )

Think in terms of baby steps..new beginnings with new people. Are you in a support group? Do you have a church? Do you have a job? All good places to make new friends. You have much to offer with your kind heart.

Some people are just toxic for us so avoid them like the plague. Do you have family...sisters? And I think journaling is a good thing..it's just hard for me because I feel like I'm whinnnnnnnnnnning. ~sigh~and my anger scares me.

I'm so glad you are talking about what you're going thru...we are here for you.
((((Barbara))))

Hi ((Befuddled)).

Long ago in a time far away, I was married to an abusive husband...emotionally, verybally, and very bad physically. I was knocked unconscious, broken nose several times, a couple broken ribs, kicked in the back with his cowboy boots on, kicked in the breasts and stomach...you name it.

That was wayyyy back when the women's movement was in its infancy but it wasn't in its infancy in Iowa. There were no shelters, and I was raised by a mom who told me when I got out of high school I would get married and have a family of my own. So I did. Nobody but closest friends believed me until he started bruising my face...then they did.

After about 4 years of beatings, he stopped...the physical part. There was no love, if there ever were any, on my part. I became a little more verbal and snotty to him, where I got the guts, I dunno. And he kicked me out and filed for divorce. Best thing that ever happened in my life. I was too...what words am I looking for. Dependent. I didn't know how to be independent.

Anyway...after that for years, off and on, I'd get hooked up with people my therapist referred to as 'emotionally unavailable'. LOL nice way of putting it. Seems the nice guys who wanted me and wanted to marry me were too nice. I was always attracted to the bad boys.

I've never remarried and have lived alone for sometime now. Thankfully, I have many friends and a good family support.

Why did I turn this around to be about me???? Good grief. Well, maybe just to let you know how brave I think you are for doing this. I don't know who filed for the divorce, but I hope and pray you go through with it. Nobody deserves abuse like that.

You can move on and you will. It's hard right now because you don't know any other way. Alffe has a lot of good suggestions. The best therapist in the world saved my life. I think there are a lot of crappy therapists out there, but I lucked out.

I know people think...well, how is a therapist going to help me? Mine did. She helped me put into words thoughts that I already had but wasn't making sense to me, if that makes sense, LOL. My self esteem sucked, and I still struggle with that. I work at it every day. Though I"m far from perfect, I'm proud for the progress I've made.

You will be too. You're fresh out of the gate of abuse hell. You'll find your way. Read about how to build your self esteem. Self help books...some don't like them, but they are so good. Good ones can help you help yourself. And talking to others. Learn as much as you can about survivors of abuse. You will be able to relate. Light bulbs will go on. The more you learn, the stronger you'll grow.

Lean on us, girl! You will be fine, and I'm very proud of you for talking about it. Tons of love and hugs. :hug:

Oh sorry, I got all stuck on the abuse issue. Suicide here isn't an option. He doesn't DESERVE even one second of that thought going through your head! He's not worth it. What he has done to you, you can undo. God I know, the depression can make you crazy, but you can do it, I know you can make it and find peace within yourself.

No thinking about 'IT' allowed! You must focus on you and getting your well-being back.

Thanks Alffe and Doody.

Alffe, I was suppose to start a support group this past week but got a nasty sinus infection. With my bi-polar meds making me have a hangover it is hard to make it to the church I truly want to go to in the morning. The mornings is the only time they have service. I did try one other church by me in the evening but was snubbed by them. My 2 brothers kind of just ignore me, in fact they saw each other last Christmas but didn't come to see me. I was alone all day Christmas and cried all day because there was nothing to do, online activity was about nil, no one to call, etc. I have a half sister across country though I talk to about 6 days a week. I don't work but will be going back to school once or twice a week now that I'm feeling better. The students though there don't fool with me. The teacher is really nice though. On the upside, I hope to join the Y since I got a scholarship there. Also, I eat sometimes in a restuarant where the people are friendly to me. I did meet one friend from school last year whom we've become close with but living far away we only talk by phone unless I go see her. Money is tight too. I try to focus on the good things as I do have a lot to be thankful for even though some may not think so. It was a lot worse in the beginning of my separation.

Doody, thankfully you are divorced from that wicked ex of yours. I have bought some books on trying to help me but I seem to keep putting them down and not finishing them. I'm all pooped now from writing so much to Alffe. Take care and thank you for sharing your story.

befuddled2

befuddled :grouphug:

Thank you for the hug Wren.

befuddled2

Hi Befuddled

I hope you're feeling stronger today. I've been disabled for quite a few years now. "Easy prey" is a good description. I also know isolation all too well - forced and chosen - both SUCK!

If I were you I wouldn't give your husband the satisfaction of killing yourself. :rolleyes: Your marriage may be dying, but your life is just beginning. You're in charge of your happiness now, so take some time to get to know yourself and what you want out of life.

You've been wounded, but remember you're not broken. I hope the right people and places come into your life to aid you in healing. :hug: