27 years trying one thing after another for PTSD - nothing helps
 

I had memories start to come back 27 years ago of a single sexual assault by my father, the person I loved and trusted most in the world, when I was 4 years old.

The first wave of "memory" was emotional pain was so intense I thought it would kill me or I would have to kill myself because I couldn't bear it. I didn't know where the pain was coming from, but it utterly destabilized me. It was another several years of debilitating pain and depression before the actual memory of the assault by my father and surrounding details came back.

Since then I have have lived with the feeling of depression, pain, numbness, trauma, terror, hypervigilence in my body 24/7. I have spent 27 years since then and almost all of my earnings doing one kind of therapy after another to be free of this pain. Nothing has brought significant or ongoing relief. I've tried all the major trauma therapies ... 3 rounds of EMDR with 3 different therapists at three different points in my journey, somatic experiencing, hundreds of self-help and spiritual books, all kinds of therapeutic and self-help approaches, neurofeedback, a long spiritual search, many different kinds of bodywork, tai chi, qigong, meditation, and on and on. It has been a confusing and difficult journey. The marketplace is full of people who hold themselves out as healers primarily in order to make a living, people who make their living off of suffering but whose hearts are not deeply engaged to relieve suffering. A person seeking healing stands as much chance of being further injured by the healer as of being helped. Someday if I ever find my way out of my own dark night, I hope to write a book that may be helpful to others.

During those 27 years there were two events that catalyzed some healing energies and the pain lifted, once for about two months and once for about a month. The difference between living with the pain and without it was absolutely profound -- I was "myself" again -- I knew that this is what I'd been looking for my whole life. But both times I experience re-traumatizing events that plunged me back into the pain, anxiety, depression.

The latest thing I am going to try is a treatment called "Nexalin." I'm wondering if anyone out there has heard of it or experienced it.

I am also wondering if anyone out there can recommend a physical therapist who knows how to work with PTSD, how to help calm the nervous system and help muscles relax that have been hyper-tense and hyper-vigilant for a lifetime. I feel desperate for relief.

I would travel somewhere to get help. But it's hard to find healers with both skill and integrity.

I welcome other suggestions about healing modalities, but don't be surprised if I respond, "been there, done that ... but thanks."

Hi there
so sorry to hear of what you have been through

We do have a PTSD forum here...but I think you may find the more active one at our other community to be more beneficial?
here is the link to PTSD on the main PsychCentral forums
http://forums.psychcentral.com/post-traumatic-stress/
You would need to register again, but you can use the same info as here.

Here is our PTSD forum as well
http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/forum98.html

thanks
 

Thanks Chemar. Thanks in advance to anyone else who replies with a comment or suggestion.

Welcome makemerry. :Wave-Hello:

I'm very sorry for all that you've been through in your lifetime. I hadn't ever heard of the Nexalin but looked it up. I also couldn't find any references in older posts here about it. There would be older posts regarding neurofeedback though. You could check with the forum search feature if you wanted. You can check forum wide or you can just check specific places e.g. depression or PTSD forums.

http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/search.php

There is a Therapist Finder link at PsychCentral that I'll post below.I understand that finding the right person must be difficult. I'm not sure what else to suggest right now as you have already tried so many options, but I sure do hope you can get some long term peace from the pain of the past as soon as possible. Take care there.

http://psychcentral.com/find-help/