'Living' With Depressive Personality Disorder
 

I have problems. In analysing my life in general, up to and including my interactions with my Friends and Members here, I feel myself spiralling deeper to the darkest of places.

Here is how I have always felt. When I perform an action/complete a thought process or mental stimulation which elicits praise or makes me feel good, I feel happiness for an instant. Then the overwhelming inkiness of darkest guilt that I should feel pleasure takes over.

Any pleasurable act or deed leaves me miserable, guilt-ridden and wondering what I had done to deserve such happiness. From the time when I was able to bear physical contact, even a simple hug - which should lead to closeness and bonding, to a Forum "Thanks", has always felt undeserved.

I feel that I am unworthy of positive attention from anyone. This is particularly hard as I have made deep and meaningful connections - true friendships - with Forum Members. Yet, even here I feel undeserving.

The chronic pain, Neurological problems, Cluster Headaches, TN et al are a constant drain many of us know to some degree. My ribs have exploded into two areas (corresponding to landing on my forearm and fist) of excruciating sharp pains when I breathe or move. I HAVE to go to the Hospital tomorrow. Obviously this doesn't help my current mood.

I have a sense of humour, I am wondering whether I find things funnier than others because I start from so low, and am stretching (but not even I could endure the tv version of Bad Teacher). Even the humour dies quickly and leaves a void. Perhaps I missed my vocation as "Sad Clown"?

So what does one do about a Depressive Personality Disorder? Therapists are out, my last two did so much damage I have no faith. Increasing my dose of Mirtazapine? Darkest thoughts abound, and I have just increased Topiramate to fight chronic Cluster Headaches which increased them more. I know I have to discuss this with my GP.

I have learned here to express my thoughts - for a lifetime I was taught that was wrong. Even as I write this, before I copy/paste it across to Post, I feel guilty for burdening and "putting it out there". Perhaps I has better share this peek into the darkness of my soul before I change my mind.

Dave.

I was concerned you'd broken a rib.
You've not had your infusion either.
No need to ever feel unworthy here.
Sometimes when in pain we overthink words and actions. I know you're not alone fighting that balance of being worthy or not worthy and a lot of people battle those demons from childhood experiences and then they're sometimes exacerbated by life experiences and pain and potential broken ribs and loss and feeling alone yet not alone and all the emotions get mixed up and there you are... feeling unsure again.

sorry, typing very fast so just went without sentence structure.

See, I spent my entire life saying sorry. Sorry this, sorry that. I don't have a diagnosis for that. I just am made that way. ;)

Lara,

The words of and interactions with my Friends here MEAN everything to me - in that fleeting instant of acceptance. It's just the messed-up brain I was born with/was moulded that robs me of that.

I am also a chronic Apologiser - even when problems patently are not my fault. THAT comes from my childhood - group punishments in the home and at school, no matter who was to blame.

Dave.

I totally understand what you're saying about being an apologizer.

I lost both of my parents at a very early age but for some reason my brain decided that it was all my fault. I then spent a considerable amount of my life feeling guilty and sorry for something that was totally out of my control and nothing to do with me. It was totally irrational to others so I hid it until I couldn't hide it any longer, but in the meantime I did become a chronic apologizer.

It was almost like saying I'm sorry I exist when others don't. I don't feel like that now.

If I see this in others I don't think of it as a flaw, I see it as a sign of sensitivity.

Hi Dave...waves you over....a lot of us understand; Feeling unworthy of "praise" and apologetic hits home for me...
It is hard to put into words but I will try...every one of us deserve praise...just getting up in the morning is not worthy for applause...your kindness to other here, your sense of humor and you Dave is worthy of, What a neat guy is Dave.
For whatever reasons, we didn't get it growing up...thus didn't get shown how to receive proper affectionate praise; try and look at it from outside of Dave, if someone else said the encouraging things you say...share their inner thoughts...you Dave would be one of the first people to say; good job; thanks for sharing...so you need to be a bit kinder to yourself...this isn't filled with holes because most of us here would say good things about you...
It will always be 'hard' to accept...it's a hard habit to stop saying sorry...especially because you honestly feel sorry...but be assured that you are worthy and that you are thought very fondly of....:hug:

Thanks Enna70,

I understand not being conditioned to receive praise of any sort in childhood. That IS a good percentage of the problem. What one deserves and what one struggles to accept are on different levels. Especially when you have a built-in Mental Illness, telling you all your life to see yourself negatively. I have problems with previous negative events still being crystal clear in my mind and impacting on my general Mood. Yes, I have had Therapy about this, it is a symptom of my illness - and being betrayed by Therapists means no fix.

However, on the Forums - except on rare occasions like this when I crack and 'share' - I strive to be only positive, beating back my Demons, shining a light from my Darkness.

I do cherish the kind words, the positive feedback that means some of my time on here is worthwhile, and I make sure to Dedicate the positive Kharma when I Meditate. Perhaps I will live my next life as a 'Happy' slug!

As I wander around the Forums I always enjoy reading your kind words and advice to other Members. This being a personal Case.

Dave.

First let me clarify...I am not a therapist, never been to therapy...etc; I just think that we need to be who we are...and that includes our 'down' thoughts ...you can't always hold back...however, as you have experienced you have to be careful with whom you share....a true friend accepts all....and a true friend knows when not to push...
I'm trying something new, instead of saying sorry, saying thank you for your kind words about my posts.
Nah, you don't have to come back a happy slug...be today's Dave; like no other Dave or guy here...:grouphug:

Dave , I hope someday those downer demons and negative voices will go away completely for you.
The Dave posts I have read here at NT seem to outshine all that bad stuff.. :grouphug:
We're glad you are here...

Dave, I don't have much to add to what others have said beyond saying that I really admire your courage.

The wisdom and compassion that you share with members here is a source of inspiration to me.

You know, this was an 'off the cuff' explanation about my mental Demons, written at a low ebb to people I have become comfortable with - strange, that, I am not comfortable in my own company. I did not expect comments, I should have known better.

It has been a bad night, ribs causing problems, so I am here early - killing time before the Hospital…

And I read these caring comments, and they make my mind feel better. So, this time, to H… with the Experts and Therapists, I am going to try to keep hold of this feeling of self-worth all day.

Thank you all.

Dave.