Grief over being abused
 

Hi everyone,

somehow i am back to this forum again. i just had a session with my counsellor and i had some thoughts which i thought of sharing.

Some background information abt myself: i was abused as a child when i was young, by family members. growing up in a dysfunctional family certainly hasnt been easy, as my elder sis was a low self-esteem girl who ran away from home, and brother who has history of joining street gangs and violent tendencies even until today. father had negligent parenting style whereas mother was unstable and always venting out her emotional outbursts on us children.

Now that my mother is aging and in her last few years, degenerating health which might leave her another few more years to live..., the topic of grief surfaces.

Grief in the sense that -
i may never have the chance to hear her apologize for these hurts.
my feelings may not get recognized by my estranged family
family did does not realise my hurting self
grief over the loss of a "complete" family that never happened
grief over the loss of a innocent childhood

somehow, it seems, the pain of child abuse, has transformed itself into coming to terms with grief, whereby today, i have to put in lots of effort to heal my emotional self and building a stronger self for one who never had a happy childhood =(

Welcome back :hug:
As difficult as it is right now, being numb and blocking out these feelings would be far worse for your wellbeing in the long run. It's good you have your counsellor but I imagine that it must be hard for you after a session when all the thoughts and feelings of the past are at the surface.

I don't want to appear insensitive as I haven't walked in your shoes, but remember that none of what happened to you was your fault. The fault still lies in the denial and silence of others even now that you're an adult.

You're amazing and strong and deserving of a peaceful and happy life.

Take care there.

Hello Almondface ... I know what you are saying and how much it hurts. I'm so glad you are seeing a counselor.
I hope you soon come back here and let us know how things are going.

i am so sorry for the hurt
expectations something
we were babies
it is not something we ever imagined
please find your happiness
heal yourself from the inside
i'm so sorry
me

Thank you
 

Thank you everyone for your kind words.

Yes indeed, the day that i had the counselling session, i was so drained after it ended as i have cried buckets at the session. its always the case whereby i am only allowed to cry during counselling. the moment after i leave the room, i m supposed to put up a strong front to face the world and a smiling face, which is painful and tiring.

Hence, hoping that i can find some solace here.
=(
Sigh..

Hi almondface,

I think I can relate very much to the dynamics of your family situation. I understand that intense emotional grasp that can keep you wishing and hoping for just some sort of a recognition of someones wrong doing. Have you asked yourself why you really need that? Do you think their apology would really be sincere, would their behavior improve, could it erase all the years of waiting and yearning for their admittance? What area of your life would it really improve to hear your mother say, I'm sorry?

I've been involved in various forms of self reflection therapy for many years and amongst other positive things, it has helped me to not become my mother ~:-). However, it wasn't until a couple of years ago that I had an amazing epiphany in which I realized that an apology from my mother would not really mean as much as I imagined it would. Simply because she does not feel that she did or does anything wrong or harmful to me and my sister and we are just suppose to be accepting of her abuse. Therefore her apology would basically mean nothing. This profound understanding initially made me very sad and I felt an intense sense of loss and grief. But I also felt a sense of freedom which told me that by letting go of the expectation and anticipation of an apology from her, I was releasing that emotional grasp that I allowed her to have on me. It positively changed my life, my perspective on life, my perspective on what other people think of my choices and allowed me to put up healthy boundaries with her with no further expectations from her.

I recently read something eerily familiar to me written by Dr Daniel Amen, a well known author, psychiatrist and brain disorder specialist. He said.. 'Violent homes have the same affect on children's brains as combat does on soldiers'. I can attest that this is so very true. Can you?

There are lots of books on dysfunctional family life and most of them contain some form of addiction issues or a piece of the 12 step recovery program for alcoholics. I found that you do not have to be an addict or an alcoholic to identify with the meaning behind the 12 step program and one book that I would highly recommend is called 'The Good Stuff' From Growing Up in a Dysfunctional Family, How to Survive and then Thrive, by Karen Casey. This book gently teaches the reader how forgiveness is a special gift that we give to ourselves and to others. Because forgiveness allows us to have freedom from the emotional prison that we had constructed.

No one can remove the memories of the pain you have endured. But it really is possible to learn to live with those memories without them hurting anymore. I only know because I did it and I know you can to.

Take good care of yourself... love yourself because you are worth it ~'.'~

Thank you
 

Dear Bryanna,

Thank you for your sharing.

Regarding Dr Amen's book, yes it is similar, which i am pondering that it might be because combat soldiers may have experienced similarities of PTSD.

Whereas in my case, i m surprised that what started as the recovery of abuse from a dysfunctional family has progressed itself into forgiveness and grief issues. Not the usual type of loss where someone pass away, but rather, grief because of something that was lacking - in my case, lack of nurturing family.

Thus far, it has been a difficult journey to rebuild myself. Trying very hard yet struggling with pains and occasional breakdowns (devastating crying where you just fall asleep from the loss of energy from crying)

Yes, maybe, i would check out to read those recommended books. thank you for sharing your experience.

Hi almondface,

I totally understand the devastation and grief that you are talking about. What I hadn't realized until I read Karen Casey's book was just how common those feelings are amongst people who have endured abusive non nurturing upbringings. Just knowing that others felt the same way as I did made me feel justified in my feelings and really helped me to better understand the importance of forgiveness.

I know it seems impossible to get past this but I assure you, it can be done. Continue to seek help and I hope you will consider reading her book.

Take good care of yourself.......

Frustrated
 

I have just shared 10% of the details regarding my struggle with some friends and they gave me very unencouraging advice that makes me frustrated.

This was what they said:
Just forget abt the past, it was so long ago
You shld be more forgiving of your mother, you shld try to understand her
Why are you still stuck with this same problem for so long?
You are stubborn

I guess,sometimes people just don't understand and give very victim blaming replies that hurts me. To them, i shld just reply ' yes i enjoy being in misery and hold onto the past because i enjoy crying, i enjoy being in depression and being down' . Its as if that i am crazy enough to deprive myself of happiness. The lack of encouragement from my circle of friends is just not helping and makes me frustrated. Sigh.... Life is tiring. Thats why i chose to retreat away from social gatherings now

Hi almondface,

In my opinion your friends are totally WRONG. I grew up in climate of lovelessness and fear, it takes a lot to overcome the lack of a safe, loving, caring childhood. Therapy is likely to be involved in all but a few cases - if you trust Counsellors/Psychologists.

Above all else, it is down to you whether you can forgive, but I sincerely hope you can recover from the damage and be relieved from the Depression. Whatever anyone tells you, the two things are mutually exclusive, you CAN heal without forgiving.

Try not to avoid social gatherings with friends, this can lead to a pattern of avoidance which leads to other serious issues. Just try to relax and steer the conversations yourself.

Dave.

Words Shared As A Balm For The Soul
 

Almondface, I find peace in knowing you are sharing here in this safe place.

The tortured path wound through the hillocks of my life bears similarity
To deep hurts shared here on your pages
Numerous counsellors have aided me through time
All well intentioned
Most decent
Some not so good
Fewer still excellent
Right now I am blessed to be working with one who is excellent

She is guiding me through EMDR
For the sake of endeavoring to help me through trauma
Not the trauma of the car wreck which injured my body
But the trauma of rearing which injured my spirit

I am blessed to know distinction between that spirit and my soul
As it was soulfood which buoyed me through trauma of
Childhood
Adolescence
Teen years
Then adulthood when I buried myself so deeply, I might never have emerged
So
Those earlier years I am convinced faith helped me not sink into the abyss

Now, with EMDR we are taking lifelong "battlefield" traumas of growing
Askew from self
And
Attempting to defuse them
Working with my therapist to resolve them
To release myself

frankly, it was fear of rejection which held me buried
Without sharing with close friends
Yeah, I have heard the words and read the retorts
"You are older now...why don't you just let go of it?"
"That can't be..."
"You parents had best intentions"
And on and on....
Absent professional therapy, the buried me festered.
Hurt did not go away with passage of time.

Here you are embraced for you
Wisdom has gushed forth from others
As for me...I am continuing therapy
My family likes the results
So do I
Those who hurt me???? Well, they disowned me anyway,
So,
It is one of those propositions
Of forgiving....in time...without confrontation or restoration,
In the stillness and peacefulness of time where
With therapy some of my hurts are fading

Glad for it am I...and I pray all will be well with you.
M56 :hug:

:hug:
Sending a special hug to a special Mark.
Made me cry.

Thank you
 

Thank you Mark for your sharing.

Unfortunately, i find my moods fluctuating. On days that i am okay, i am functional and able to cope. On today that i feel in a low mood and drained, i am back here, happy to read about your optimistic post. However, i am also struggling to pull myself up.

Accepting that the pain takes time to heal. I am still trying to get by as the days pass, hoping that each day would bring me some positive happiness for me to store in my "positive memories box". Sometimes, i find myself counting down, countdown to the day that i can have happiness and recharge myself by being alone, just hope that i do not have to put up a "false front of happiness" to act as if i am happy. And hope that one day, i can genuinely finding peace and freedom from the pain. For now, trying my best to get by each day as it passes.

Even....
 

As I struggled and, at times....did not want to, it was something, but I could look to the sky and find simple beauty in those painted hues of a sunset. There. In that moment, however fleeting, a captured glimpse of something so awesome I could smile.....to myself. Wow. Much therapy had to bring this through to betterment.

Cool thing too, is that we care for you. It is a looking forward thing.

Right now.....I am caring for you.....hoping all will be well. I've been there. I have hope.

And

Lots of :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug: M56

i am so sorry almond for all the pain you've been through. and i am so sorry mark for all the pain you've been through too. i hope that time will heal your wounds and that you can find peace and comfort in your lives again. sending warm hugs and caring thoughts your way.

hi
 

Hi everyone,

I am back here again. Hope that everyone is well.

Thank you and appreciate the support in this group.

So very good to see you! I hope things are going well for you

Hi Almond, you're story mirrors mine in so many ways, only my sister & brother were the golden ones. My brother left at 15 to join the airforce as an apprentice, so he escaped, my sister went onto study nursing and was able to leave at 17 moving into junior student nurse accommodation next to the hospital. I was 10, left behind to endure the meanness that amplified after the departure of the favoured. Ironically, while they acknowledge they were favoured they too bare scars from her often cruel and callous treatment. What we all know and remember vividly is once she made us cry, she became nice. If we were sick, she was tolerating. At 6 I had a heart arrest, my 12yr old sister sat by my bedside daily until 8pm end visiting hours, I really can't recall mum being there, but I know she had to have been. Dad bought me a bike on discharge.

I've recently had the epiphany moment, I don't need an apology from her, it will make no difference to me, I've stopped trying to make her "like" me. I remain her child even as an adult and somehow, I don't know how or when it happened, but I forgive her. I love her and always will. I don't want my last years with her to be filled with grief and arguments anymore and so I see her much less. I take her to medical appointments and do all the things to keep her life running smoothly, hearing aids, clean filters on appliances etc. My sister, well she takes her for weekly hairdresser appointments and has hers done as well courtesy of mum, then lunch courtesy of mum and then an extra 40-$50 for petrol. She is 62 & still getting handouts from her mum. I can laugh at that and it no longer bothers me. It's her money, she pays for the company of her eldest child.

But last week I had a horrid dream, I woke from it sobbing, it's why I woke. Mum died, it was sheer agony, it tore my soul, I saw her that day, burst into tears and hugged her, told her what happened in the dream, she hugged me harder & had a little cry herself, then made us a cuppa.

I still have no answers, I think many of us were traumatised by the keeping up with the Jones concept and if we didn't meet the "vision" woe betide what happened. I didn't meet....
I'm wondering how you are faring now 2 years down the track following your first post. Do you see much of your mother?

Hi PamelaJune,
Thank you for your sharing.
Yes, I think that our stories are similar in some ways...

About my mum whom I have strained relationships with, I don't think we ever got to resolve it during a face-to-face meeting. She has recently passed away due to illness actually. It has been a difficult time, so I am back here.

It has been a journey of recovery , ups and downs. My mum who passed away, never gave me a apology before she passed on. In fact, my grief now is not so much about losing a mother, but more of losing a parent who never gave me the due acknowledgement of the abuse and grief over a parent who didnt protect me when abuse happened.

There have been positive moments though. After she died, I had some thoughts of putting behind the pain and move on to my new life, allowing my mum to die along with the fact that she just didn't know how to doing parenting well. It was like a rebirth, like maybe if she couldn't parent well, then I will be the loving mother for myself. Still working on this now.

Continue with the replies, I am in need of positive encouragement and support now. Judgements from people, I am tuning it out. =)

None of us should live our lives judged by others, each and every one of us on NT has suffered pain, angst, grief & trauma. I am sorry your mum passed away without you getting the apology. I can understand how much those words would have meant. I will never get one from my mother either. It would mean admitting she was wrong not to have done more.

I think your plan to mother yourself is a good one, be kind to yourself and tune out negative or toxic people. You have lived through much in your life by the sound of it and it is important to try to forgive yourself first. I say this, because we often think why did I do this or that, why didn't I do this or that. There is little to be gained from looking back and second guessing yourself. So be kind and gentle and know here on NT you can say what you want without judgement from me. I hope others will join with me in adding to that. :hug:

Thank you PamelaJune.
I agree to your comment, the world would be a better place if we could just suspend judgements about other people and just offered our kind listening ear. Hugs to you too [emoji16]


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

((( Payton )))

I know what you mean Payton. :(

Hi almondface, I've never posted on this part of neurotalk before and wanted to post my feelings on complicated grief when I saw your post

I had a similar upbringing. Although I experienced significant violence, emotional, psychological and even an instance of sexual abuse by my father (I stopped referring to him as my 'dad' years ago - he never did anything to deserve that honour lol).

To this day I distinctly remember the exact words he uttered when I was aged 7-8 "you would have been better off if I'd have died instead of your mother". Unfortunately, he was right.

That itself basically explains the 'relationship' - he hated himself, he knew he wasn't good enough to be a loving parent and he hated me because I was so unlike him, especially as my personality reminded him of his wife. He stated she had abandoned him by giving up on life by dying from MS.

Cue many years of honest therapy which enabled me some comparitive life successes, then a complete breakdown in 2009, a recovery to an even better version of myself and then breaking off contact all with my immediate family in 2013, this enabled me to get back into my career etc.

In late 2015, I heard about his descent into severe alcoholism, followed by dementia. I could see his death looming on the horizon and hardened my heart, deciding I would not attend any funeral, as he had died to me over many years by systematically killing off the father-son bond since my childhood. I finally got very unwanted, unwelcome news of his imminent demise in January 2017 - by text and literally on the same day I had just moved house!!. I literally wanted run to the other side of the planet at that moment.

I somehow found the strength to decide to face my fears, drive the 100 miles to the hospital the next day and found myself confronted with a pale ghost of a person, lying there, unable to speak, virtually paralysed and on the brink of death. I eventually realised I had no desire to make a return journey - he had put me through too much to endure any idealised Hollywood-esque, protacted bedside grieving and that would have been disingenuous to my entire experience of him. I then unexpectedly found myself taking his hand and uttered words that seemed to come from nowhere "I forgive you for everything that's happened". I then burst into tears. He did look at me through his one open eye, I'll never knew if he heard or understood. Either way, that was mainly for me, taking back control, being the adult in the relationship - although in some small part, it was for him too before he finally died a week or so later.

My father's death has altered the entire narrative of my past - I was faced with the finality of everything and realisation of a childhood, father and thwarted life ambitions I dearly wanted but never had. I'm still trying to forgive him in my own life and currently approaching things from a trauma perspective. I believe that's where the key is to finally freeing myself from the past and his lingering shadow. I've spent the last few months in therapy identifying all the toxic weeds which now need digging up from beneath their root systems and discarding into the recycling bin. I'm hopefully soon starting EMDR with my current therapist to achieve this.

I've spent the past 9 months or so in Nursing homes as a patient. True, I was put there by mistake, but what an education. I spent the last 4 months with a woman who wanted to die and I watched it, the whole process with Hospice feeding her morphine every 4 hours for 8 days until she did die.

I felt drained and hopeless. I couldn't wait to get out of there. I finally did with the help of a good, Christian woman, who is my friend.

I am now in my own apt again but I'm finding it very difficult dealing with my newly diagnosed diabetes. I have constant nausea and am trying to put together my new life, which seems impossible most days.

I'm buying all the things that I lost through the internet but that seems taxing and endless.

I'm having an especially bad day today because of my blood sugar and find myself dizzy most of the time. I have some control of it but some days it gets away from me. I'm hoping I'll get better at this thing. :o

I think I wrote this in the wrong thread. Whoops! :o