Can't deal with this
 

I'm having a tough time lately and I need a place to vent, so thanks to all of you for giving me a safe place to express my feelings. Two months ago, I woke up in the middle of the night with a terrible headache. It was so horrible that I wanted to kill myself, but I was throwing up so bad that taking pills was out and my head hurt so bad that I couldn't think of any other good ways to do it.

The whole episode scared the crap out of me. I went to my neurologist who did a lot of tests which all came back negative. His only solution was to refer me to a headache specialist with a 7-month wait for an appointment. I told him, "I don't think I can live like this much longer," but he ignored that statement and sent me on my way. I later called and asked to switch to another neurologist in his practice. The new guy I requested refused to see me and my neurologist dropped me as a patient.

There's been something wrong with me ever since. My mood is all over the place. I'm sad, angry, frustrated, and every little thing hurts my feelings. I have thoughts of suicide every day. I've tried to talk to my husband, but he doesn't respond. We finally had a good conversation about 10 days ago and I was very open with him about the way I've been feeling. We've been married for 31 years.

After that one conversation, he never once asked me how I was feeling or if things were getting better for me (they're not). Today, I asked him about that and he said that if I wanted to kill myself there was nothing he could do to stop me. Wow, I was really hurt, but I talked to him calmly and he finally asked me what I wanted from him. I told him I needed
someone to talk to,
to feel like someone cared,
to feel loved.
His reply? "I'll take you to any doctor any time you want to go, but I couldn't possibly understand what you're going through."

I don't understand it either. Was I traumatized by the headache combined with thoughts of suicide? Could the headache have caused minor brain trauma that affected my mood? I've lived with chronic pain and depression for three years. I'm taking Cymbalta. This is different. I don't know what this is. It's terrible. I hope I can find someone to help me soon.

Thanks for letting me share my story.

hi and welcome to the forums.
I can't believe how insensitive your husband is....I am so sorry for that.
Do you have any girl friends in real life that you can rely upon?
I am sorry that it is so hard for you right now.
bizi

Hi and welcome. You've come to the right place to talk about your feelings! Talking is important so please do that with anyone who is able to listen. Sorry that doesn't seem to include your husband.

Is there any kind of support group in your city? Church, library, hospital?
I am leaving town for several days so won't be around but please know that I will be thinking about you. :hug:

Have you had a complete medical work up lately, and maybe a head MRI etc?
Just to make sure there is no physical cause.

Thank you for your kind words. I had a MRI, MRA, and lots of lab tests after the headache, but everything came back normal.

I don't have any friends I feel close enough to talk about these feelings. My husband and kids always seemed like enough for me. I am so lucky that my adult children live nearby. I talk to them almost every day and they are wonderful, but I don't think it would be fair to talk to them about this.

I have an appointment with my pain management doctor next Monday. Maybe he can recommend someone for me to talk to. I've always been afraid that if I talk about my emotional problems to a doctor then my physical problems will be ignored or blamed on depression. Maybe I need to rethink that philosophy.

Joining this group has been a positive experience. I'm so glad I found all of you. Thanks for listening and have a great day.
Cheryl

Hi Cheryl,

I suffer from Chronic Cluster Headaches, which are often referred to as Suicide Headaches because of their intensity. You should not have been left without treatment or a dx for something so severe - although this seems par for the course for Neuros in my experience.

Keep coming here and talking, you are guaranteed to find support from friends.

Dave.

Hi Dave,
I'm so sorry that you are suffering from something so dreadful that it's nickname contains the word "suicide."
I read on another post that you were having a rough time yesterday, and yet you took time to offer me comfort.
I hope you are better today.
Thanks, Cheryl

Hi Cheryl1818 I noticed you in the t.n. forum and then here also so thought id say hello and offer an ear shoulder and support any way I can. I hope on Monday the apt you have with pain doc is all around good. I found my pain doc for me he was the one who helped the most. I DID mention my suicidal thoughts to my pain doc and because of that I was able to find the help both emotional (a pro to talk with )and also for my a.d. face pain the stimulator implant . I do get not wanting to talk with kids and family . I was the same way. I also disliked myself for how my body was not healing like my own body was turning its back on me and I was in a very dark ugly place . You have to reach out to your pain doc and every other doc you see. and also come here and talk with us we have been there each in our own way.we care . your hubby probly dose also ... he may feel helpless and clueless and his response was a bit cold but its new ground for you and its new ground for him. Finding a pro to talk with is a good idea. and also here is good place to vent find support all my sos family here are wonderful ,caring, understanding people. :grouphug: keeping you in my thoughts Cheryl. sending positive energy for rest of week and Monday to be all good days. Prayers, low pain and Peace
BMW

Hi Burntmarshmallow,
Thanks for sharing with me. It sounds like we've had some very similar experiences. Of all the doctors I've seen, I like my pain docs the best. I will talk to them about this on Monday. With this "invisible" illness, my biggest fear has always been that doctors won't believe me, even though no one has ever given me cause to think like that.

I was advised that my children are adults and they can handle difficult situations, so I have talked to both of them about my tough times and thoughts of suicide. They were both very supportive and offered to help me in any way they can. I've also been considering things from my husband's point of view and can sort of understand why he said the things he did. I am truly lucky to have them.

I'd like to know more about your experiences with tn and your pain stimulator. I hope it's doing a good job for you.

TGIF! Have a great weekend, Cheryl

yes the stim T Rex is doing well. I googled -- Trace right lateral cerebellar gliosis --and found a brood description . perhaps Dr. is waiting to see the extent of symptoms . so even tho it is invisible you should focus on the big things that affect your daily life the most and tell doctor keep emphasizing over and over sometimes its like getting a 4 yr old to pay attention and listen . I am gonna message you but wanted to let ya know I see your post here.
Peace
BMW