Husband is a Stranger now.... with frontal lobe malacia. Ruining our lives
 

I'm married 36 years. My husband has frontal lobe encephalmalacia. Softening. caused by surgery trauma.

He has always been overbearing but now he is impossible. I have given up on a normal life with him.
I guess this is the new normal?

I can't bring up anything that is conflicting with what he wants. I cannot debate anything or he will yell over me, hang up if we are on the phone, or stomp out of the room.

Luckily he is still able to work, but on his off days, he does nothing but tv.
Flipping channels, tv blasting.
I have to go to another room or leave because it is so stressful to hear the loud tv with channels flipping.

He is flat. No empathy, no caring, no love. I do everything in the house.
Womans work as well as the man's.

He could care less about any of it.
He just won't do it. There are so many things that need a man, and I either do it myself or have to hire someone.
Which can get expensive.

The worst though, it is ruining our marriage and relationship. I cannot stand to be around him. I get conflicting feelings of hatred toward him, and then guilt.

Our marriage was not perfect before this. There were many times I wanted to leave because we are not compatible but kept putting it off.
Divorce was brought up many times, but we always worked through it because there was no "real reason" to end it. We just bicker a lot. We don't like the same things anymore. We went in different directions.
We married young, I grew up and there you have it!
We have nothing in common. We used to have travel in common, but not any more. Last vacation he sat in front of the tv while I rode a bike, walked, and went to the beach myself. He only got up to eat.

When we are in a car and he gets mad, he will drive erratically to scare me and to show me how mad he is.
SO I do not want to do any driving vacations with him.
The last few vacations before the brain injury were just as horrible, so this is nothing new. Just worse after the brain injury.

The brain injury has made all of the "bad" worse.
He is always blaming me for everything.
Even his lack of happiness.

I try to find my own joy. I feel happiest when I am away from him.
We work opposite hours so it is perfect. I exercise, eat right and try to keep myself healthy.
I do have the blues. Don't want to call it depression and do not believe in medicating for the blues.
I will wake up sad sometimes. Then shake it off before I walk in the door at work.

I miss the old husband that I could sit down with and debate an issue out.
Now, if I try that, he blows up.
I have just stopped doing that and avoid him.
So there is no communication. As far as I am concerned if there is no communication, there is no relationship.

So every time we disagree on something...there is no bartering, debating, and going back and forth with our reasons and points. He cannot do that.

He does not care if I don't feel well. If I am crying. If I am stressed or if I am having things to deal with at work.
I have no partner. I take care of myself.
He has never been nurturing or caring. Even when I had an operation, but he was not as bad as he is now.

We recently built a house and had to live in a hotel for 2 months while it was being finished. This all coincided with his surgery and brain injury. He was basically a mean zombie at the hotel.
I had to put two dogs to sleep in the process of moving. Both were very old. THe second one lived with us in the hotel and was my rock and the love in my life.
Putting him to sleep before we moved in the new house was devastating and broke my heart like no other dog did. I did the entire move myself. The packing, contractors, builders, unpacking, moving company, organizing for help, dealing with his work leave, his doctors, appts, medications and ER visits.

We took a vacation for three weeks after that, and it was horrible.
I was basically alone while he watched tv.

Now living in our new "dream house" for our close to retirement years and we are not enjoying it together.
I cannot even imagine him at retirement in two years. He wants to retire early.

As of today, he is shunning me with a silent treatment five days and counting.
will not talk to me because I did not agree with him on an issue.
Silent treatments are nothing new though. He has done that since we were engaged. Usually before the brain injury, he would end up being so miserable shunning me. I would just get on with my life and ignore it.

It does hurt though and when I am not busy, it does mess with your head. The silent treatment.
It's stressful to be in a house with someone that will not answer you. and just stare ahead.

He is not as bad with his friends or coworkers but they all notice a change. SOme do not really talk to him as much. They don't have to, they are not married to him!
He is worse to me.

I never shared our arguments in the past with people. Our marriage was between us. I cannot believe that I am opening up and telling people that things are bad. I almost feel like I am not being loyal to him or our marriage when I do this. But before his injury, when we had arguments, I had someone to talk to about it. HIM. Not any more.

We had a party several weeks ago. A BBQ. Mostly my family and my elderly aunt and uncle, some of my cousins, kids, etc.
I was walking a cousin through the house to show her around. She asked me "now that you are in the house and settled, is there anything you would have done different? tile, floor plans etc?"
I could not come up with anything and said to my husband "DH, is there anything you would have done different, Jill wants to know" and he said very loudly and very nasty "YEAH, I WOULD HAVE A DIFFERENT WIFE!!"
Everyone's mouth dropped. Some people tried to lighten it up by making it a joke.
My stomach fell to the floor. I felt sick. I laughed it off and said something glib and light, but my sad and shocked face betrayed me.

This is my life now.

Not sure what I am going to do or how to handle it. Need to consider my age 56. and what I really want in my life now. How much more change can I take?
I have a new house, new dog and now a new husband. He acts like he hates me. He hates all women it seems and will criticize every woman announcer on tv. Saying she is fat, stupid or ugly!
He is a stranger.

Welcome to NeuroTalk, falldc.

It sounds like you're in a hard situation. Have you contacted his doctor to see if his behavior is normal for post-op? There might be a medication he could be on that would make both of your lives better.

Nobody should have to live with being berated and disrespected. Especially in front of your family members.

Just a suggestion.....you might want to also post in the New Members forum as this particular forum (Caregivers) doesn't get a whole lot of traffic.

I hope things get better for you.

thanks I will cut and paste it in there

Welcome to NeuroTalk falldc. :)

Concerned About You!
 

Hi falldc,

Welcome to NeuroTalk.

I can feel your sadness, grief, shock, disappointment, sense of betrayal, anger, frustration, discontentment and more. Lots of painful emotions.

I am sorry you are in the midst of what seems like an endless storm.

I think you have posted in a forum. I will look you up there.

I am glad you are reaching out, expressing your feelings, thinking about your future.

Please keep taking excellent care of you!

DejaVu

**********************************

Hi falldc,

I am chasing you around a bit. I see where you were re-directed. :)

I am very sorry for all you are going through.

If interested in doing so, you could talk with your husband's doctor, as Kitty has suggested.

If your husband can change his behavior, depending upon witnesses, he has some control over his behaviors which he is not using within his interactions with you.

Your descriptions sound like the relationship was quite deteriorated prior to his brain trauma, yes? You are reporting its worse now.:(

I do not know his pre-existing personality style; yet, it sounds like you feel his personality traits have been amplified.

Sometimes, with TBI, people become more irritable, impulsive, etc.
I have had those issues with a head injury. In my own case, I have been very careful of my husband, my family, my friends. I could see that I needed help and asked for more help. I have to take an anti-epileptic med, named Depakote, in order to even out my mood, not be so easily irritated, etc.
This has helped me a great deal. I have always been concerned about my spouse, my family members, my friends. Luckily for me, I am still concerned about them and their welfare, and concerned about having healthy relationships.

I certainly don't mean to imply all brain injuries are the same. I am addressing pre-existing personality, prior to the trauma/injury. You have shared a lot of information about how you perceive his personality traits, both before and after surgery/injury.

Sometimes, people with TBI, and with no TBI and certain mental health issues, have no insight into their own behaviors and how their behaviors affect others. Sounds like your husband does not know and/or does not care.

I need to tell you much of what you are describing sounds like "emotional abuse."

Signs of emotional abuse in a relationship:
http://liveboldandbloom.com/11/relat...motional-abuse

Please also see the Domestic Abuse Power and Control Wheel:
http://www.ncdsv.org/images/powercon...lnoshading.pdf

The second part of the article outlines the many steps that need to be taken to stop the abuse and to start healing. Do you feel he is capable of these steps?

Nobody deserves abuse. There is no good reason, no acceptable reason, for abusive behaviors.

Make sure you are okay. Keep yourself safe and away from the abuse as much as possible.

I am not a trained domestic abuse counselor.

I am giving you a site link to the National Domestic Abuse Hotline, open 24/7.

www.thehotline.org

It's up to you if you as to whether or not you want to be in touch with this, or any other, organization. :)
I want to suggest this option, however.

Any chance of you seeing your own therapist for sorting out your needs/desires and your own plans/goals in life?

I am very concerned about you. :hug:

Warmly,
DejaVu

Thanks everyone:hug:.
Deja Vu,
I will think about the suggestions you offered.
I would definitely say that our marriage has been strained and we have been distant prior to the surgery. THe one thing we liked doing together...travel...is now stressful.
On our last trip, he berated me several times in front of people. Something he only did in private. He is more of a loose cannon now. He did this throughout the trip, in different situations and different people. There were times I was crying behind sunglasses, him totally unaware. If he was aware, he would not care.
It was so embarrassing and humiliating when the people witnessed this. I did not want to address it with him because I knew he would get loud and people would hear. But there is no use discussing it or arguing it later because he is always right and I am always wrong. In his mind, I am the one at fault always.
I am not saying I am perfect. My daughter says that both my husband and I have always had strong personalities, but she agreed that things are awful for me. I am burying a lot of emotions and resentment.
Having a strong personality with my own opinions makes it even double hard to swallow it down and not speak my mind to him for fear of a huge argument or blow up.
There have been several times I totally lost it and screamed like a lunatic to him. He just sat there uncaring and nonresponsive. He usually will just walk away.
Sometimes I think he "pretends" to be compassionate when he see's something sad on tv.

I had "saved" him twice when he could have died when he got a hematoma on the brain because he was on blood thinner. Fighting with him to go to ER. I was on my way out to work and noticed he was not talking right. I had to argue for more than 30 min to get him to go. He was NASTY and mean to me. But finally agreed after I spewed all kinds of terrible scenarios that could happen if he ignored the symptoms.

I feel bad for him. When I get mad, I will look at his MRI and then realize this is not his fault. Then feel guilty for how I feel toward him.
But as I said before, he has been pretty much like this prior to surgery. Only much worse now.

Just writing about it in here is exhausting. I don't know if I can rehash it all to a therapist from start to finish.
Sometimes, I just want to put it on a shelf and do something else and think something else. Be happy and forget this is going on.
I don't want to waste any more time obsessing about it.
But the second he comes home, I dread it. and back to reality.

He says he is not happy and has not been happy for a long time in our last argument over something very silly and petty.
I sometimes think we would be better off separated.
I just do not want to uproot myself at this stage in my life. I don't think he does either.

Hi falldc,

I am glad you are reaching out and sharing, even if it feels exhausting.
The energy drain speaks for itself. :(

Do you feel couples counseling might be an option, in order to communicate about what each of you wants?

Many therapists can help with either restoring the relationship or helping couples to separate sanely. The therapy goals really depend upon what the couple wants to work on with a therapist.

You have options. :)
Sometimes just knowing we have viable options helps.
Sometimes we just need to express ourselves and be heard.

We are here and listening. :hug:

Warmly,
DejaVu

Hi DejaVu,
Right now he is not talking to me still. I have some plans for this upcoming weekend in the air. Might need to cancel with some old friends and will cancel if he is not talking to me by Friday. I certainly cannot have people over with him acting this way.

I did go to the two websites you posted and ticked off quite a few of the "emotional abuse" signs.
In all honesty, I think all of us have been victim to some and even perpetrator. But he is for sure abusing me emotionally. I knew that years ago.

He would probably stomp out of a couples counseling if it did not go his way. Or after we leave he will deny the therapist said something or pointed out any problems he might have.
When he was at a neurology appt that my daughter took him to, he denied that the doctor said he had depression. My daughter taped the entire visit for me to listen to later. I told him that I was listening to the tape and the doctor did say he was depressed!
Now he agrees months later that he might be depressed.

I would feel like I am abandoning him if I left him. I wish I had left sooner. Before the trauma.
Even though he is never there for me when I am not feeling well, I cant do the same to him. I don't want any regrets later.

I am aware that the stress from him can take a toll on me physically. I notice signs of that already.
I guess what I need to do is take the suggestions on that site you recommended. On what to do if you are remaining in an emotionally abusive relationship. They do recommend to make it temporary though.

Thanks for listening!:hug:

Awareness, Validation and Support
 

Hi falldc,

I hope looking at the sites was helpful in some way.

I totally agree with you, many of us unknowingly do or say things which are considered "emotional abuse." We have grown up in environments where some form of emotional abuse was the "norm" and have no idea some of our behaviors, or behaviors of our loved ones, may be emotional abusive.

The key is in raising awareness. Not pointing fingers and blaming someone else. Taking responsibility for our own behaviors. Sometimes, when partners are made aware emotional abuse has been occurring, both take actions to ensure healthier interactions.

It's a joy to see your written response. :)
Your response shows a lot of insight. Gaining insight and perspective is critically important in eliciting the most favorable outcome, whether you both stay together or eventually part ways.

As for your plans this weekend: Is there any option of seeing your old friends at another location? If so, your husband may join if his behavior has shifted. If his stance remains the same, you won't miss out on seeing your friends. Just a thought.

You are in a very tough situation. Any compassionate person would feel very guilty for leaving.

Some of these emotional abuse services/sites/hotlines can be very helpful in helping us to better understand the situation, better understand our feelings, better understand our options. They often provide validation and support.
Most understand if someone feels s/he must remain in the relationship for various reasons. They don't require someone to leave the situation in order to lend support.

There may also be local services for you, a local support group or counseling, etc.

I do hope you will consider getting some additional support, whether you stay or leave.

My heart goes out to you. You are currently in a truly difficult position.

:hug:
DejaVu

P.S. Have FUN as often as possible! :D

Well the idea for the visit was for them to see the new house. I will wait until date gets closer to decide....

I don't know how healthy it is to do so...but I try to practice compartmentalizing. I wish I could do that better. Setting this aside and thinking of other things. And getting on with other things.

Had a great day today being good to "me" with the day off from work:p.

All through our marriage when he pulled the silent treatment, I would spend the time obsessing about it, and thinking about it. Pretty much letting the days get away and nothing productive done until we were on speaking terms again.
I'm making an effort to do what needs to be done in the house and garden. And living in general. It is such a waste of precious time to make it all consuming.

I don't want to reward his "shunning" by giving in. Hard to do though.

Oh, yes, the new house! :)
Very exciting!
Quite a project you have undertaken. Well done, I am sure! :)

I am glad you have had a good day! :D

I feel it's a valuable skill to be able to set certain matters aside and attend to other matters, to live life. This gives us a break from certain stressful situations. Seems reasonable to me. ;)

Yes, it's hard to ignore irrational behaviors and behaviors which hurt us. :(
However, there are circumstances when it's more sane to find a way to separate ourselves from the stress and have some enjoyment in our day/eves.

My first fiancé had become very abusive after we had become engaged, long ago. It was a huge change in him. It was a nightmare. He would not go to couples counseling, etc. He was very belligerent. It was shocking. I had eventually found out he had become addicted to cocaine. He was trying to hide this from me. He'd refused to give it up. I broke off the engagement.
I remember the obsessing, trying to make sense out of irrational behaviors, trying to get over the deep hurt, etc. :(

I am no expert; yet, I feel you are on a healthy track. :D

I hope you have an equally pleasant evening!

:hug:

DejaVu

That had to be hard for you. I don't think I would or could handle addiction to drugs. Smart that you got out of that situation. That had to be a hard and brave decision on your part. I admire people that are not afraid to nip things in the bud.
My husband does not drink. Or when he does, it is very rare. The few times I saw him drunk, he was nasty to me and arguementive. so it is a good thing he is not a drunk.
He is not physically abusive although his angry outbursts are intimidating and I guess you can call "the fear of physical abuse" almost as bad as the real thing.

He has always been a well liked person in our family and friends. In all outward appearances he is a "good guy" but that has slipped away with the brain injury and I notice he has altercations with people other than me. His golf friends for instance.
He's a good person. But we clash in a lot of ways. I have always been the one to bring up an issue that needs discussing. He was brought up to bury issues and not discuss them.
Now with the brain injury, trying to discuss anything that needs discussing is impossible.
I've been burying them myself to avoid arguments. Something I am not used to doing. I really like to clear the air when there is any dispute.

I have never been the kind of person that is afraid to walk away from a dysfunctional relationship. But that is usually friends or coworkers.
My husband was my first serious relationship and we married young.

I think at this point. I will make no major changes, try to be there for him as a support with his medical issues. But I am not going to compromise myself in the process. If he can't handle it, then he can be the one to initiate separation. I would feel guilty and bad for him at this point, for me to be the one to leave.

Right now....silence..still shunned. Took a walk to get away from the stress and called my daughter for support and someone to vent to. Poor girl has to be sick of it!
Thank goodness we work opposite hours and see each other only at dinner time.
Great day otherwise!:)

You are a very strong person
 

Hi falldc,

You come across as very straight-forward in our interactions. :D
I don't perceive you as someone full of fear with people in general.

For all of us, our commitment to, our histories with, our spouses/partners is very different than other relationships. We are often willing to endure more because of our histories together, our sense of attachment to one another, our sense of security with one another, etc. It all runs very deep.

You are right, it was very hard to leave my fiancé then. Yet, that does not compare to a relationship like yours, in which you have been married over 30 years, have had children, have just built your dream home, etc.

Many women experience mid-life crises, too. In the least, they may feel like "It's my turn!" My turn to take care of ME! My turn to stop taking care of everyone else (even though I love them dearly)!

I'll admit, I am going through a bit of that now in my own life. ;)
There's nothing wrong with needing that type of a shift anyway.
(I am close to your age.)

Just when many women are yearning for a shift in care-taking, sometimes, their partner needs more care-taking. It happens.

The idea of a "silent treatment" or being "shunned" in your own home, just hurts so much. I have had a few people act that way, but not in my home. It has to be almost unbearable.

Is it possible to approach your husband, at any point, when he is giving you the silent treatment? How do these episodes end? When does he start talking with you again? What happens if you initiate conversation?

Have you thought about meeting with your husband and his neurologist in order to see if something might be helpful?

I recall he was told he was depressed. Will he agree to treatment for depression?

I fully understand the sense of guilt you'd experience for asking for a separation, etc.

As for taking care of yourself, it seems like you have a good plan.:winky:

I want to invite you to visit the Traumatic Brain Injury and Post-Concussion forum here, if doing so interests you. You may find helpful information there in the "stickies" threads at the top of the forum. You are also very welcomed to post there anytime. (I am there, off and on. I am not the most knowledgeable person. In fact, I am just learning more about these issues, since a head trauma changed my life 2+ years ago. I was previously a very calm, very thoughtful person. I became very irritable, very impulsive, with severe mood swings. I have needed medication to help me with all of that. I could not read, compose sentences, talk well -- for several months. It has been a very scary experience. I am grateful I am doing better now and I remain hopeful for further recovery.)

No pressure from me to take a look at the forum, by the way. I just want you to know you are very welcomed there. :)

I truly feel your number one priority is in taking care of yourself, primarily, right now.

I am glad you have had a good day!
I hope you have a peaceful, restful night!

:hug:
DejaVu

Hi DejaVu,
THank you for the invite to the group. I will definitely check it out.

Since I last wrote, a lot happened.

Yes I do approach him when he does the silent treatments now that he has the brain injury. I feel things are different and need to treat this different than I did in the past. I used to totally ignore it until he got tired of it and came around to me.
But he is not thinking right. So I approached him first.

We had a lot of discussion over the past few days. Lots of talk, tears and surprisingly with no yelling or stomping off. But we both put a lot on the table.

I told him that he is blaming his unhappiness on me, which is wrong and he actually said he can see that.
I brought up some instances where he made me feel terrible in front of others, and I was shocked to see him remorseful for the first time in a long time. But even more so.

We know we do not have things totally worked out. He will not take meds until he is retired because of his work. But he said he will see someone to talk with and discuss things with.
Not sure if he will follow up on it.

Divorce is not an option since I would feel guilty leaving him and would actually worry about him and if he was okay.

You are right about the "I want something for ME now" after taking care of kids etc and now at our age want some fun. I was the caretaker for both my aging parents. My mother had severe dementia. THe burden was on my shoulders out of the 5 siblings in our family. But I was happy and honored to take care of my parents, so no regrets there.

OUt of the blue this week, I met a man that struck up a conversation with me in a waiting room and I find out that he had brain trauma as well, but much worse than my husband. He is recovered and is doing great and very happy in his life. He still has some residual memory and cognitive problems but is dealing. We talked for two hours.

He said that he was at an all time low and that you can pull out of it. He said my husband needed Male Commraderie to get through this. Others that have the same issues.
He even gave me his email and name to give to my husband would meet or talk with him. I met his wife briefly as she came out of her apt and said she had a lot to deal with and it was not easy.
My husband was extremely touched when I told him about it and gave him the name and email and I hope he follows through.
This man was what I like to call an "earth angel" who has no idea that he is one. Just like you are DeJevu! :hug:My cyber "earth angel"

Right now I am not going to get my hopes up just because things are going well.
One day at a time. I see issues with my husband looming down the road already when we discuss retirement and what "his" dream is vs "mine"
But that is several years away.

I want him to enjoy the new home. I'm hoping he will find some joy in life.
I gave a few suggestions and hope he will try one or two.
I told him that he is not alone (the man I met told me to make sure my husband knows he has people working with him on this)
that me and our daughters are there for him.
He told me that he felt like he was in this little prison in his life.
THat made me sad. I can only imagine how depressed he must have been feeling.

Thanks again for listening and for all your suggestions. I will check out the latest links you just posted.

We had a lovely dinner out tonight before he went to work. Usually weekends are bad since we are both home. Send some positive vibes and thoughts.
And have a great weekend yourself!!:hug:

Heart -to - Heart!
 

Hi falldc,

Wow! I am thrilled you both are making progress! :D

The ability to talk heart-to-heart often helps both parties to feel compassion for one another. Nicely done! :D


Yes, it sounds like you have had a heavy burden of caretaking, even though you have no regrets. Caretaking can take a toll, as you know. It's important to keep a balanced life, as much as possible when caretaking. Need to have time for you and time for relaxation and fun!

Life is interesting. This gentleman had crossed your path at a very critical time. Perhaps the Universe is looking out for you, answering your requests for insights, clarity, direction? :winky:

It's extra special this gentleman has offered to extend himself to your husband. I hope this extra support is helpful to your husband! :)

One of the topics we've discussed in the Traumatic Brain Injury and Post Concussion Syndrome forum is the fact that those of us having suffered injuries which made us overly irritable, quick to anger, had uttered harsh words without thinking (impulsivity) -- we had felt immediate remorse and guilt.:( We were as mortified as our loved ones by what we had said and/or how we had said it. Fortunately, our loved ones forgave us as we took further responsibility by finding ways to stop hurting them (and ourselves at the same time), finding ways to overcome our new, and problematic, behaviors.

I also feel the "one day at a time" approach is the best approach. I often utilize another well-known phrase: we are looking for "progress, not perfection." :winky:

You both are going through many life adjustments at this time.

You have a very open heart, an open mind and show compassion.
It's amazing the healing which can occur with heart-to-heart talks!
I hope you and hubby can enjoy more of these types of talks.

Thanks for the compliment. I can't be sure I'll be helpful ahead of time. I had felt your pain and wanted to respond to you. I can only hope my responses have helped somehow. :hug:

(It's been helpful to me to also have a member here, ger715, commenting on your intro thread and following this thread. I feel a supportive spirit accompanying us! I hope ger715 will write in this thread if she feels led to do so.)

Offering positive energy and healing vibes! :D
I hope you and hubby, and guests, enjoy the weekend!

Shining Heart-to-Heart, :hug:
DejaVu

Hi,
I was glad to learn of time enjoyed together. The fact your husband was able to admit he felt like he was in "this little prison in his life" is a good sign he wants to change. It does not feel good for him either.

Will most likely continue with ups and downs; but hopefully there will be more "ups" coming for both of you. He probably does not like himself either when he says these hurtful things or gives the "silent treatment". It is a punishment for both of you which neither of you deserve.

Pray your endurance will bring joy into your lives; but remember you also must do things that you enjoy "just for you".



Gerry

Hi Gerry and Dejevu,
It's been a few days....
Things are steady here. I avoid any conflict by basically...avoidance. I know that is not the way to do things in a normal situation, and have never handled things like this before in our marriage. But with the brain injury, I am finding out that sometimes things are not worth arguing or debating. I am not trying to be "right" anymore, like I might have been before this happened to him.

SOmetimes it gets me mad because I see a lot of his his personality flaws that he's always had. Just magnified. What I didn't like before is much worse.

We have been pretty peaceful since the silent treatment. Civil conversations etc.
I avoid him when he is irritable.

He did come home from his ballgame the other day mad. Evidently the guys were not taking his suggestions and he stomped off mad and went home.
When he told me about it, I just remarked "well its a good thing it is only a game"
HE got quiet and left the room. Not what he wanted to hear, I guess.
He is having these altercations more with other people.
at work as well.

He is hard to be around. I feel bad for him, but I can see why he is being alienated more and more.

I cannot believe how much I am changing to accommodate this new person in my life.
I would never have handled things this way years ago. It would have been fireworks!:D

There's Hope
 

Hi falldc,

I had to laugh, rather heartily, along with you, of course! Your last sentence struck a chord with me. :D

It sounds like you are adjusting and trying to make the best of things. :)

It's interesting, I have found when I make a shift in my usual stance, soon thereafter, the other person also makes a shift. Our initial shift creates space for someone else to also shift. :) I find this often helpful.

As you keep your cool and take things in stride, avoid conflict, he may follow your lead. :)

Sounds like things aren't ideal-- when are they ever in real life.
Sounds like the situation is improving?

I am very impressed with the fact that you sound like you are in a very different space, a less stressed, more healthy space?

It's great to hear from you!
Continue taking good care!

:hug:
DejaVu

Glad you are doing for yourself what will be good for both you and your husband as well.



Gerry

It's tough whenever anyone has a history of "turning on a dime."
It can be like walking on egg shells. It can be dealt with if we know it can happen at any time and can accept this, for however long it goes on. I think this feature may be very difficult for the person to control without some professional intervention. Some people cannot see that they turn so quickly, they seem to lack insight into this, even when people around them talk with them and try to create more awareness. It's much the same as trying to control impulses. (If he is aware of this, I am guessing he possibly feels regret.)

The lack of motivation can be from frontal brain changes and/or from depression. I am having good luck with Wellbutrin SR (bupropion SR).
I was feeling very drained of energy since my concussion. Very severe blah and useless, which was making the situation even worse. Wellbutrin has helped to give me some energy (both physical and cognitive energy), enough to override the formerly overwhelming sense of "inertia." (I'd felt so useless and so guilty for not being able to get beyond the major inertia.)
Everyone around me has noticed a difference and has commented.

I am more active during the day and evenings now, and sleep much more soundly because I am truly physically tired. I am feeling more hopeful, less guilty about what I can/cannot do and am doing things I enjoy with the extra energy. I have always like to have fun! I am back out there, having fun with hubby and with friends/family. I still have limitations, yet there is an improvement. We are looking for "Progress, not perfection."

So glad you are finding interests and pursuing them!
Yoga and meditation can be so helpful! :)

Keep on taking great care! :hug:

Warmly,
DejaVu

Just 2 quick issues. Please vent to someone other than your daughter--talk to a friend, a therapist, a minister, but not your daughter because it could effect her relationship with him.

Also, if you love to travel, why not plan a trip with your gfs or daughter?

Hi Litlove and Dejevu,:hug:

It's been awhile since I have peeked on this site.

I am really feeling down right now. I don;t like using the term "depressed" but I sure as he** am not feeling up. I feel like crying.

I need someone in my life. Walking through my neighborhood we jsut moved to is so beautiful, there is so much to see and enjoy and talk about. I have no one to talk to about it. I am alone walking.
I am near tears now just thinking and writing about it.
Totally depressing.

I tried to talk to him earlier about "us" and how we have gone theroug a bad period and that we will get through this and that I feel like we are getting through it. He looked at me and said "well you're not even letting me watch this show on tv right now!"

I'm bummed that i have no one I can talk to.
I am depressed that he is sitting in the great room with the tv on blasting as always.
depressed that when I try to sit and talk to him, he keeps glancing at the tv and I know he wants me to leave ....and its just a commercial.


I can only talk so much to the kids about this.


sundays are the worst days for me. I really need to get busy on sundays doing something. Eveyrone is doing something with family.

sorry for venting and I do agree with you that venting to my daughter is not fair to her or to him since that is her father.

My neighbor that I befriended and who is widowed expressed an interest in traveling sometime with me. My husband is actually encouraging it.

We went to an event in our community last night. He was totally different than what he used to be. He sat there just staring off in space while I talked with people at the table. I think he gets overwhelmed in groups with the noise level. He can't hear well to begin with. I had to pull him in the conversation over and over.

Sometimes we will have a good day or part of a day, and I get a glimmer of hope. But then all of a sudden he will turn on me for something I say or do.

again....this too shall pass, as they say.
Sundays are just a bummer for me.

Imagine the worst case scenario and you ultimately divorced him, or what if he had passed away. How would you move forward with your life? Start doing those things (minus establishing a romantic relationship.) Don't feel like you to include him. Pursue new friendships and hobbies. Find a therapist to help you cope. Work on you! Go visit your children by yourself. Go on a weekend trip with your neighbor to test how you'll do together, or even lunch and a spa day. Live your life to the fullest. The rest can be dealt with after he has more time for recovery and you're in a stronger place. Give your self permission to focused on your own happiness for now. :hug:

Please don't apologize for venting.
Really would appreciate updates when you feel up to it. I do agree tho; you need to do some things for yourself. Might be a good idea to take a little trip with your neighbor. Who know; maybe you'll be missed.



Gerry

Hi Gerry and Litlove,
I have been getting into more of that mindset you speak of. I don't feel guilty because it actually gives me that shot in the arm that I need to deal with the changes in him.
We have a peaceful coehistence (sp?) during the week when he is working (he works a lot of hours). Weekends I am doing my own thing with friends and my daughter. Still planning things with family at home to include him as much as he feels like.
I notice after a nice dinner, he does not really want to talk, rather watch tv and news etc. I will take a walk with the dog to my neighbors, or make a call while walking.
We went to a party this past weekend. He got mad at me for something and stomped off. Several close friends were surprised and said "this is NOT something he would have done before" and realized how much the brain damage has changed his self control.
A little bit later he was back and fine.
ON a real positive....yesterday I was reading him several diary entries from last year when he had the "surgery misadventure" that caused the damage, things that happened, and things he said and did at the time... and he just kept saying "I was a total jerk...I'm sorry"
Then today when he came home from work, he hugged me and said "thank you for taking care of me last year and handling all that"...... (tears! as I write this)
I don't know if things will ever go back to the way they were, but as I wrote before, we were not the poster children for a perfect marriage. Like everyone, it needs work.
I have changed a lot this past year and continue to adjust the way I talk to him, and handle conflict.
In the past, I would argue and debate more. Now I just walk away, do not confront or fight my case, and pretty much do what I think is the right thing to do with or without his approval.
thanks for listening!:hug:

Even if this was only a brief time; that must have taken quite a bit for him to hug and "thank you". Maybe he's not such a total "jerk" after all. Also glad to know you are doing what you need to do to co-exist with this marriage while doing what you feel is right.


Gerry

I think being "older" helps. I think this would be much harder if this happened earlier in our marriage ;)