Suicidal thoughts always there in the back of my head
 

Hi all,



New here on the "Survivors of suicide forums". Been very active for almost a year on the traumatic brain injury and post concussion syndrome forums.. And I love it there. And will continue to stay active there.



But I'm here for help, advice, and just overall talk to people who are willing to listen. So, here's my story, and why I'm here.


I'm Sam and I'm going to be 15 years old in October. Many tell me I'm extremely mature for my age.

Let's start...

At the beginning of this suffering.


October 17, 2014, I hit my head playing football on my friends lawn. Without knowing, I continued to play and had a concussion. Weeks passed, then months, and I was diagnosed with Post Concussion Sydrome. Been suffering with a nightmare feeling of feeling in a dream like state all the time. Everything feels more unreal than usual.


Been suffering with it for almost a year now. I'm extremely sensitive, and every so often I just break down and cry. I cry so hard it hurts. I hate myself, and I have no friends. I have one friend that's a girl that I talk to, but that's about it. I'm so scared, and loosing hope, and want to just end this because I feel like I will never get better.

My everyday life consists of me either hiding in my room, playing video games all day, and sleeping. My parents and family get extremely angry when they see this, and want me to go outside and hang with my friends. What they don't realize is that I honestly have none. For some reason everyone hates me, and I struggle to find true friends that actually want to hangout with me for me.



Hopefully someone out there cares.
Sam

Hi Sam. I care.

You know me already ;) but I just wanted to post here to you as well.

Are you ever able to sit down with your parents and talk from your heart the way you have here? Do they know how sad you have been lately?

hi sam,
maybe you can print out what you wrote then read it to them??
just a thought.
sorry it is so hard for you....
bizi

Sam, We Care About You
 

Hi Sam,

Sounds like you are in a lot of pain with all of this?
I am very sorry for your pain.

Lara and bizi have encouraged you to talk openly with your parents.
I agree with them. Talking openly with your parents may be very helpful.
Do you feel this is something you can do?

It's all too easily to lose track of friendships if/when we are sidelined by a medical condition. I am sorry you feel you have lost friendships. Must feel lonely at times?

The "dreamy state" you have mentioned can feel very isolating from the rest of the world.

Have you noticed if anything helps with this feeling? Sometimes, people report having someone talk to them helps, just hearing a voice helps. Some people report isolation makes this dreamy state worse. Have you noticed things which make this better or worse?

Have you been able to see a therapist, a psychologist, a neuropsychologist?

Are you increasingly anxious about the school year starting?

Does the student guidance office know about your condition, so they can assess your individual needs and can advocate for you at school?

Please know we do care, Sam. :hug:
We hope to help. Sometimes, it truly takes a village.
I am glad you are finding the TBI/PCS forum helpful.
You are courageous to reach out here, as well.

Looking forward to hearing more about you, Sam. :)

Warmly,
DejaVu

Hi Sam,

I care, too. You are brave and right to admit to these thoughts here so we can start to show you where to get help. Just remember, you are dealing with the turmoil of growing up on top of a serious medical issue - that is not easy for a healthy person.

DejaVu has already pointed you towards Therapy and addressing your Guidance Counsellor at school with your needs, but you really do need to deal with family attitude - anger is destructive.

Compromise is the way forward here. As suggested by bizi, could you see your way to writing a letter to your family expressing exactly how you feel. If opening up to the whole family is too daunting, choose one member to pass the letter to. Ask for help and understanding, but you have to offer something in return - 2 hours of your game time a day which you will sacrifice to spend with, interact with your family. Even start lower, say an hour, but make that commitment to renew the bond.

If your female friend would agree to participate in this activity occasionally, then you may not feel so isolated.

Friends at school, or outside, is a tricky one. Often people find kindred spirits in the shared interests of Clubs. The only thing my best friend and I had in common at the start was liking an obscure Prog Rock Group. The thing is you never know where friendships are going to form.

Above all else, work on removing these Dark Thoughts. They are damaging further what should be a most wonderful part of your life. You are seeking help, which shows maturity. Now you need to get out and live your life within your PCS limitations.

Dave.

Hi Sam,

My caring hugs, heart and prayers go out to you.

I'm sure many more people love and care about you than you probably even realize.

I have been in that dark place often and it can be overwhelming and
isolating . I feel that there is a reason that we are still here in this " game we call life"

Have you thought about talking to a professional therapist? I feel that it could be a good step for you to talk to an impartial and trained person to guide you with some distractions and tools to help you cope when you get into that dark place. It's sure worth a shot....

All the best always Sam :hug:

Hi Sam,

You've come to the right place to talk about your feelings. :hug:
Please print this out and hand it to your family. It hung on my fridge for years.

Listen

When I ask you to listen to me
and you start giving advice
you have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me
and you begin to tell me why I
shouldn't feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me
and you feel you have to do
something to solve my problems,
you have failed me,
strange as that may seem.

Listen! All I asked, was that you listen,
not to talk or do - just hear me.
Advice is cheap: 10 cents will get you both
Dear Abby and Billy Graham in the same newspaper.
And I can do for myself; I'm not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.

When you do something for me that I can and need to
do for myself, you contribute to my fear and weakness.

But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what
I feel, not matter how irrational, then I quit trying to
convince you and can get about the business of understanding
what's behind this irrational feeling.
And when that's clear, the answers are obvious and I
don't need advice.

Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what's
behind them. Perhaps that's why prayer works, sometimes, for
some people because God is mute, and he doesn't give advice or
try to fix things. "They" just listen and let you work it out
for yourself.

So, please listen and just hear me. If you want to talk, wait a
minute for your turn, and I'll listen to you.

Wow, Thank you so much to everyone who has replied and is here to help.



I do talk to my parents about my PCS and they know and get all of that. And I'm pretty sure they have some knowledge of me being depressed. But I'm scared to tell them that it's getting this bad.



Really, how I think of it, is that if this horrible horrible dream feeling will just go away and I could have my life back.. My depression would get a lot better with it.


But what I don't understand is that, why is this feeling still here ? Why me ? Why am I the one to be haunted ? And yet no one understands this feeling. It's so odd and even I admit that.



Before all of this I was the happiest kid alive. Playing 2-3 sports, extremely active, friends has always sorta been difficult with me, but I still had a couple before all of this. I LOVED LIFE. There could be nothing possibly to go wrong or bring me down. Even if that happened, I would get back up and continue to push forward.



But now..

It's almost like someone has picked up my life and ripped it into shreds and threw it back down. My life is nothing now. When school starts, I don't even know how and what I'm going to do. And I'm extremely anxious over it. It's just nothing..

(((Sam))) Please talk to your parents about what you are feeling. People cannot help you if they do not know how you feel. :hug:

Sam, I am so sorry that you are dealing with so much at the moment. You are am extremely brave young individual. I can honestly say that opening up to my brother about my own dark thoughts helped immensely. Please, start with one family member you trust & open up to them in the most honest way possible. Having someone at your side is so important...

I wish you the very best.

Andy.

Sam,

I urge you to talk to your family about getting into Therapy. Anxiety and Depression can quickly become long term, deeply ingrained, debilitating issues if they are not addressed early. You do not want to end up like me, unable to even talk to family on the phone, nor stand in a queue at the Bank without having rising feelings of Panic.

Now, while you are young, is the time to be taught coping mechanisms, or probably be completely cured of your anxious state. This will go some way to alleviate the Depression you are feeling.

Try to understand that all of your peers have the same fears as you. You have just had a physical setback causing mental issues, so you have to work harder to succeed at everything.

I know you are unable to participate in sport due to your PCS, but could you get yourself involved in other ways - Equipment Manager, Statistics Logger? - anything to be involved in a Group. Remember, there are plenty of other activities to participate in which involve peer contact and personal growth. Just put yourself out there, find your niche, make yourself happy.

This should be the brightest time of your life, fight your hardest to Own It.

Dave.

Hi Sam,
Is there a counselor or nurse at your school who could help you talk to your parents? Your family might be feeling frustrated because they don't know how to help you.

I'm sorry that this happened to you. You have a lot to deal with, and help and understanding from your family could help lighten your load. Try not to spend too much time alone doing nothing. I know how hard it is to get motivated when you're depressed, but finding enjoyable activities will make you feel better. You might not be able to participate in sports right now, but what else are you interested in? Are there any volunteer activities that you might enjoy? New hobbies you could try? School organizations you could join?

You shouldn't deal with this alone, but you do have to be willing to help yourself. Try to believe that things will get better (they will). Talking with others on this forum is a great way to connect with people who understand how you're feeling. I'm glad you're here and I care about you. I want you to feel better.
Cheryl

Dear Sam
 

So proud of you
Just continue to share here
Everyone already offered much
of what I would express

I want you to know
growing up for me wasn't easy
Then I became a young adult
And a parent to four children
It is inperitive that you continue to share
I too would encourage my children when
they were highschoolers each having their own
struggles
I would explain to them
If they were troubled in some way
and could not share with me
to please find SOMEONE they can share with
You keep up with the awesome thought how
YOU ARE NOT ALONE
WE ARE ALL HERE TO HOLD YOU UP
however as my good friend Dave puts it
You MUST give something in return
I traveled my school years alone
It was very difficult
as my home life was troubled
I have two younger sisters
And I watched over them when I was a kid
I am fifty four
It is a unfourtunate thing that happened
In it all you WILL and already a beautiful person
who has the world to conquer
You are a brave strong young person
And just to let you know
WE have your back
Love
Me

Sam I'm in a strange place right now and have no words of wisdom but i can still send out a {{{HUG}}}} :hug:

Guys,



Everything is still the same. Pretty much exactly how it was since I posted this. I tried talking to my mom but I just was crying so hard that I physically can't speak. It's hard to explain, but I can't talk cause of all the crying.




And My anxiety is getting worse because school is starting in a week. I'm so scared still. scared of everything.

Sam,

I am really sorry to hear you are still experiencing so much emotional turmoil. Perhaps now is the time to try to calm your mind with Meditative Practices. Here:

http://www.how-to-meditate.org/breat...ditations.htm/

Is my teacher's (Geshe Kelsang Gyatso) Breathing Meditation instruction page. It is a Secular practice, suitable for everyone, not just Buddhists.

The aim is to empty and calm your mind by simply concentrating on the sensation of the breath entering and leaving your body. While it is simple to start it takes practice, but the results can be very powerful.

It would also be a constructive exercise for you to practice when you are in your room. Just make sure you turn off all distractions.

If you try it for 10-15 minutes a few times a day for a few days you may calm down enough to be able to talk to your Mum.

Dave.

Crying is Healthy Behavior
 

Hi Sam,

I understand the difficulty with crying so much you cannot speak.
However, please understand you will not cry forever. At some point, once emotions are released, you will reach a point where you can talk.

What happens when if/when you cry hard in front of your mother?
Does she wait for you to eventually stop crying?
She must wonder what's beneath the crying?

Crying is perfectly acceptable behavior. :)
Many cultures cry more freely and more often than we do in our own culture.
Somewhere, we have gotten the message that crying, and crying hard, is not okay. It's more than okay! It's a strong release of emotions and is very healthy behavior. :)

There was a suggestion earlier in the thread, asking you if you might be able to write out your feelings and concerns and give them to your parents in writing. Someone suggested you simply print your first post and give it to your parents. Great suggestions! :)

Your anxiety is picking up with the upcoming return to school.
I was hoping you might be able to communicate with your parents before school starts, so you might have some additional advocacy/assistance from the school administration, teachers, programs, etc.

I hope you will find a way to communicate, to let your parents know your concerns and needs. You deserve assistance. Please accept assistance, Sam.

We are here for you, Sam.:hug:
Please tell us how we may best help you.
We care and we want to help you, Sam.

:grouphug:
DejaVu

Hoping you're ok Sam. As mentioned, writing down your feelings & handing your note to a trusted person is a good idea in your situation...

I hope things get easier for you...

Peace out.

Andy.

How you doing Sam?

Remember too, if you're feeling low at any point, you can always come on here & get things off your chest. There will always be someone around who can be a bit of 'online' support...

Take things one day at a time...

Hope you're feeling a little better...

Andy....

Sam
 

as Andy says
don't stop coming
we all have your back
we DO understand
i HEAR you loud and clear
i will say as a parent
are you absolutely certain
you cannot sit family down
and Talk
i mentioned how imperative
it is NOT to shut down
NEVER shut down
as you have a place to come
and please don't stop sharing
we will ALWAYS be here
and take comfort we care
and yes love
you
we will love you till you love yourself
you are an amazing young person
love
me

Hi Sam,

You doing okay out there? I am late to the conversation but you have been in my thoughts and my heart. You are brave and courageous and I just know you are going to find a way that works for you to share with your family how much you are suffering right now. There are so many excellent suggestions here that I can't possibly add another. But I do have an interesting TEDtalk video to post about a game designer with PCS and suicidal feelings and how she overcame it. There is hope. Please take care of yourself and know that you are Loved.

www.ted.com/talks/jane_mcgonigal_the_game_that_can_give_you_10_extra _years_of_life?language=en

PS - I am wondering if you have a source of spiritual support? One of the things that got me through my darkest times with pain and illness was praying and allowing myself to feel God's presence in my life. Sometimes when we are buried in fear and despair we tend to forget someone is always there for us...

Sending healing love, :hug:

Hi Sam

One of the hardest things to do in life is tell someone close to you and are emotional attached, is your inner thoughts and feelings.

Your own emotions become overwhelming causing you to pause, hesitate and literally freeze making it impossible to talk about your issues.

Others have already said write your feelings down on Paper. Two great reasons for this
1. If its on paper its no longer in your head.
2. In time if you re-read it you can measure your progression with life.

If you do write down your thoughts, distribute your notes in a way that grabs peoples attention. Leave a note in mums handbag on. dads car seat .... in the fridge., the oven, on the kettlle...anywhere it will be picked up.

That moment will stop the reader in their tracks..you then have captive audience...so use this moment wisely...describe your feelings, express your fears, reach out for the offer of help and support...

Loved ones don't mean to walk aimlessly past your life ...acting uninterested or oblivious to your plight.......they are just unfamiliar with the concept that their kin wouldn,t
just ask for help.

Family life is wonder full, but we often take are eye off, what stares us in the face...a gentle subtle prompt is often required to refouccus our connection, and if that does not happen....not everyone can read the cues.


I wish you the best....
TAKE TIME TO TALK.......

I have missed your wisdom dear man. Great advice, as always. :hug:

Hi again everyone,




Just to keep you guys updated, still doing the same. I'm going to a new doctor today, who was paralyzed from the waste down in a scuba diving accident, and was able to walk again using acu- pressure and crossinology.


I'm 15, so I barely understand what this guy does, but he is brilliant, and is a medical doctor and has studied neurology. Apparently everyone who goes to him gets the answers they need with any medical issue that they have.



Praying he can find out whats wrong with me. And get me the help I need.
I've had blood tests, mri scans of my brain, and everything you can think of. Every doctor I go to says I'm normal. But I'm not.

dear Sam
brave young man you Are
this is even more reason
WHY you must be heard
to make someone
anyone
it must be
you cannot give into this terrible
experience you are going through
you are also at an age when many
physical but more importantly
mentally as your hormones are
taking over your body and mind
believe it or not
you may want to do a little
homework on the subject
yours might be working
differently than the normal
balance we need
you will be very surprised to learn
how hormones not working correctly
can throw a person into depression
you keep coming
but do not stop looking
for that one someone
i had it tough as a kid
and isolated
it came out in later years
and i had to deal with it
i truly turned to God
and made a deal with him
you are stronger than you
know
i have Faith in You
love
me

Everyone has their fingers crossed for you Sam...

Good luck!

Crying very hard right now,


Doctors visit went semi well. He still thinks I have an issue with my
Thyroid which can be causing this dream fealing, which is great.. But the only problem is... That he needs to find the right person to take the thyroid hormone test for me.



A standard blood test won't show this thyroid issue. Cause it has to do with my iodine levels he said.



So you just be saying, this is great Sam! All you have to do is wait for the test, if it comes back that you have a problem, you can treat it!


However, school starts tomorrow. And I'm EXTERMELY terrified. To start school again with this awful feeling. I BARELY made it by last year.

Hey Sam, I'm sorry you feel terrified about going back tomorrow. I figured you would and that's totally understandable considering how you've been feeling and that you've been away on break for a while and not doing well during that time.

There's probably nothing I can say to make it any easier for you, but do try to remember though that you have a plan of sorts in place and you can go to the school nurse if it all becomes too overwhelming. If you can keep busy today/tonight as much as possible so that you're not overthinking about tomorrow then that may help a little.

You're not alone in facing tomorrow. It's not a brick wall even though it might feel that way now. It's actually a flexible environment you are going back to and the school is there to help you.

You have your family and the school personnel who are aware of what has been happening for you. It may be really helpful if you could contact one or more of your friends and maybe travel to school with them. All those people are all there to support you in this transition back to school. Even though you don't feel that way now, you can get through this tomorrow.

It will be busy and it will be noisy. All of those things you fear. However, if you find yourself feeling overwhelmed then you go to the nurse's office as planned.

What concerns me the most is that I get the feeling that you seem to think of yourself as facing this alone and you really are not alone Sam. This is not something you have to do alone. You have the support behind you and that can get you through. You may find it really difficult, but you can do it despite that.

:hug: thinking of you

Thanks so much Lara. And to everyone here for me. I guess I'm going to just have to face this challenge this week. Still terrifying, going to a new school when you feel like your on drugs..


But I'll keep you guys posted on how it goes :). I truely appreciate you all being here for me to talk to.



As for my symptom..


The doctor I went to today contacted another doctor to give me a special iodine loading test I think it's called. I think I pee in a cup instead of blood work. My previous doctor gave me the wrong tests, and my problem wouldn't show on it. My mom will call the office in the morning to schedule toe test. Hopefully it will be in a couple days.



But here I am again. "Hoping" that it will all work out. Across this journey, I've always faced anxiously awaiting what's coming next.. Something good or something bad.. In this case, either I take the test and I can get on medication to fix my thyroid and I will feel better, or nothing shows.


Once again.. All I can do is "Hope" right?

Hope
 

Hi Sam,

I am glad your doctor has an idea which may prove helpful to you! :D
Please keep us posted on this.

Sam, you are being asked to learn some of life's lessons a bit earlier than most. Holding onto "Hope" is important to adjusting to life's many twists and turns. It's an important coping skill in life. :)

Please know we all care! :grouphug:

I know I will be thinking of you all day tomorrow and will be offering support through healing thoughts, positive energy and prayer. I have "Sam" written in on my calendar as a priority for the day. ;)

I hope you will rest peacefully tonight.

:grouphug:
DejaVu

So today...



Went OKAY. Definitely better than last year.


So my symptoms did get worse, but instead of getting worse DRASTICALLY like they normally do they only increased by a bit. It still bothered me, but it was more close to my moderate level than hell.


For my anxiety and nervousness..

Took me a while to find my classes cause of my feeling, but once I got into them, it felt just like middle school. Nothing to worry about once getting INTO the class. But just finding it/making my way there was hard, With another 1000 kids shoving and yelling in the halls. So was a little stressful.


But other than that It wasent so bad as I thought... at least... so far!




But again, I probably wont be able to last like this all year with my symptoms. So anxiously awaiting the test !

Sam,

Take this as a massive victory over your Anxiety and nervousness. You held it together well, can build on this and use Day 1 as a Template.

Sure, things are going to be stressful for you, but you have shown yourself you can cope with your Support Structure and your own strength of Will.

Well Done!

Dave.

Ditto to what Dave has posted.

Well done Sam! That is something huge you did yesterday. Really huge.

Take it one day at a time Sam... Everyone here is proud of you...

Wow!
 

One Day at a time. :hug:

Sam that is great news!! Heck, the first day is challenging for everyone and you did it! We just knew you could ;)

Good work. Pace yourself when needed and remember we are all rooting for you.
:hug:

Dear Sam,

This is GREAT news!!! Every step, is a wonderful victory for you !

Thanks for letting us know about your progress.

When things get overwhelming for me, which they often are,
I try to just focus on taking it one day at a time.

Take care Sam

:hug:

Hey again everyone,



Now with a week of school under my belt, my dreamy unreal feeling is getting a lot worse, and I don't know why.


My symptoms are random. One day I'm moderate the next it's so bad I can't even listen to someone In conversation.


I really need treatment for this. But no one knows what it is yet. Still waiting on taking that fancy thyroid test to see if that's it. Honestly, if I can't find a answer for this what's the point ? Why should I have to live in this horrible dreamy/unreal state? This is not how life should be. Not for anyone.



At this point I don't even cry about it.. It's so frustrating and confusing that I just can't take it anymore..


Sure, the first school day went well. But I guarantee the majority of my school days will be like today and be HORRIBLE cause of this feeling.

If anyone has an idea of what my symptom is please tell me.. ANY IDEA will be greatly appreciated



Anything is everything at this point..



For people new to this thread my symptom is:

Constant 24/7 dreamy, spaced out, unreal state. Whole body is numb. My sense of touch is only about 75%. I basically feel high all the time.. And I hate it. It gets worse but it never gets better.