|
My Husband, 58, passed away Sun, 8-30.....I'm just numb
My husband passed away after less than 48 hours in Hospice.
Monday a week ago I called 911 when his lips started turning blue as I was trying to coax him into eating some oatmeal. His blood oxygen meter was reading 51 and then bouncing around from the 60's to the 80's. They transported him to the ER and he was placed in ICU. His Co2 level was close to 150 and should be around 35 to 45. He was in ICU the nights of Mon, Tues, Wed and Thurs and during this time they tried the bi-pap to bring in Co2 level down....it got to 57 on Fri morning. He had experienced Hospital Delirium after surgery in May and this had continued somewhat since then and resurged big time in ICU. He knew who we all were but was constantly pulling the mask off his face and trying to pull his IV out, take the heart monitor pads off his chest and remove his blood pressure cuff. When I would ask why he was trying to remove things that were monitoring him he would say "I don't know".....how sad. During the week we had been talking about long term acute care and then rehab when he was stable. That was still my mindset last Friday when my daughter sent me a message that the dr wanted to meet with us at 2 pm. Such a great guy, Dr Patel. I actually send my husband to this specific ER because my niece Poppy works for this pulmonary dr that she just adores. Sitting in a chair outside my husband's ICU room, Dr Patel began to tell us that he had reviewed my husband's charts for the week and even though they had tried everything they could to get him stable nothing was really working and he was in a constant state of panic. Even the meds wouldn't completely knock him out. He only slept in bursts and someone was with him at all times. The dr said it was time for comfort care and he suggested Hospice. We have a wonderful facility about 15 minutes from me (my dad was there in 2000) and thank the Good Lord they had an open bed. He was transported last Friday night and arrived about 9:30 pm in a panic. The nurses got him calmed down and we sat with him and talked. I even got him to eat 3 bites of a baked potato with lots of butter and sour cream. He hasn't eaten good since the May surgery. Everybody finally left and we dozed for awhile. My nephew had just got back into town and came around midnight with his son who is 20. He was able to talk with him and tell him how much he loved him. After they left the nurse gave him something for pain and we slept all night. I would wake up and look over at him to make sure he was still asleep. Taking all the machines off of him lowered his severely high blood pressure and heart rate and he was calmly sleeping. He slept for 15 hours straight. His body was so tired. Sat afternoon about 5 pm he woke up in a frightened state. We all tried to calm him down but not before he spoke out to his mom and dad which was not a good sign. He said "NO Daddy" and now I truly believe that his dad came for him but he wasn't ready. He never really came to himself then but I did get him to tell me he loved me. They gave him something for pain and he went back to sleep. He never woke up again. We have 2 children, Luke who turned 35 last Wednesday and Christina, 30. Also 2 biological grandsons, Evan who will be 15 on Sept 12th and Lane who is 10. Also 2 stepgrandchildren, Gavin who is 12 and Charley Ann who is 9. Evan and Lane stayed both days....all day long and both of their mothers, my ex daughter in laws stayed too. What awesome women they are ! We all had our time with my husband. Me, Luke and Christina especially had our moments alone with him to say what needed to be said. Sometime before 5 pm when it was just me and Luke in the room and the nurse had told me hours before that my husband would not be going home from Hospice, Luke asked for time alone with his dad. So I walked out front and sat in my car. He called once and told me I could come back in....then he called me a 2nd time hysterical telling me to COME BACK IN NOW.......so I ran as much as I could and when I walked in the room Luke and the nurse, LaVada were beside him and she said "He's gone".......I was hysterical that I wasn't there with him but have since realized it was Luke that needed to be with him to allow my husband to let go. Something we all feel he would not have done had I been in the room. All the people that he loved most were there. Me, Luke, Christina, Evan, Lane, Gavin, the 2 ex daughter in laws, Christy and Anissa. We all stayed in the room with him for at least and hour and a half....may have been more. We hugged him, kissed him and just loved on him and cried and cried and cried. I didn't cry much at his service last night. I'm pretty numb. His service was at 6 pm last night and I laid down at 2 to rest with my alarm set at 4 pm. I woke up about 5:05 and freaked out......didn't have time to take a shower or even wash my hair in the kitchen sink.....and I actually didn't even care. I threw on some clothes and off I went. Drove myself the 1/2 mile to the funeral home.....we live in a very small town. So sorry this is so long and if you read the whole thing God Bless You. I just had to get it out and say what I've been thinking and I knew this was the best place to do it. That y'all would understand and pray for me and my family. My husbands name is James Edward Thompson.......Bubba to his grandchildren, Duck at work. We've been married for 35 years. Since I was 17. I left my parents house and then on to be with my husband. Never lived alone before and I'm not really alone. My mom built an addition onto our house and she lives just through the laundry room. She's 84. There is only one house between our house and my daughters (she lives in my mom's old house) and my son only lives about 1/2 mile away. I'll be back.....I have so much more to get out there....just to put in writing somewhere. Hope.......I love you sweet lady. Debi from Georgia |
Oh Debi, I'm so terribly sorry. :hug:
He was so young. My condolences to you and your whole family. I'm glad you have your family close to you. It must be a very difficult time for you right now. |
Thanks Lara
I'm seriously thinking about heading to the beach for a few days.
Need to feel the sand under my feet and the sun shining on my face. He loved going to the beach even though he could not walk on it due to his back issues. I just will feel closer to him if I can go. I'm just so numb and sad.....sad. Debi |
Debi, I hope you can do that.
Do you have a friend who could go with you? I'd hate to think of you so sad and alone away from home and on your own. :hug: |
Lara
Both my kids are taking the rest of the week off from work. But I forgot that this coming weekend is Labor Day.
Not dealing with those crowds ! Luke is taking 2 weeks off from the Sheriff's dept per the Sheriff :) I may be able to talk him into going with me for a few days. Would be nice just the 2 of us. He and his wife separated at the beginning of Aug...after 8 years of marriage. Not a great loss as far as I'm concerned but I was pretty shocked when I realized how much he loves her. She says she's not coming back and has already filed the divorce papers. Poor Luke.....he had an awful August and his birthday was the 26th. Glad you were on tonight. Debi |
I hope you and your son can get away for a few days together. Sounds as if you've all been going through a very difficult time in many ways. I'm so sorry.
I'll be thinking of you... |
Debi :hug:
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Reading your post brought back so many memories of my own husband who passed away in 2001. I wasn't ready to let go, either. I was 41 and he was 47......way too young. Doing what you did.....writing it all out......is very therapeutic. I hope you'll come back here when you're ready to write some more. I joined a grief group/website when my DH passed away and met some wonderful friends that I still have contact with today 14 years later! I live in Georgia, too. Not sure where you are exactly but we're in the same state! :) Please take care of yourself. Those weeks following his departure were so terribly difficult. I'd feel almost guilty if I had a "good" day. And I wanted to be around my family more than ever.....thank goodness they were there. I had to tell myself that they, too, were going through a great loss and I needed to be there for them, too. In a way it helped me to be able to be the one to help them. Not sure if that makes sense but I feel like you know what I'm talking about. Okay, I'll stop babbling now.....just wanted you to know that I truly understand what you're going through and if you ever need to talk offline I'm here.....just PM me and maybe we can chat through email or PM here. Take care :hug: |
Dear Debi,
I am so very sorry to hear about your husband's passing. My heart and my prayers go out to you and your family . :hug: |
I am so sorry to read this. Please take care of yourself and allow yourself to grieve in any way that helps you. :hug:
A visit to the beach sounds like a good way to handle your feelings and memories. NT is always here, for you to post when you feel the need. My husband and I have been married 47 yrs...and I dread the times that will eventually come for us too. |
Dear Debi,
So sorry to hear this sad news. I am glad you had the whole family there. I agree that a trip to the beach may be a good start. Always here. Dave. |
Dear Debi,
You have touched so many hearts and many people here love you and are here for you. We grieve WITH you and your family. We are here to hold you up through this time of sorrow and heartbreak. Reach out and we are here to help any way we can. Thank you so much for sharing with us. |
Debi, sorry for your loss.
My school chum just lost her husband earlier this year I think it was....she also went from her parents home to her marriage home and never lived alone. Her husband suffered a lot in the last couple yrs so he is resting in peace now. They were together over 60 yrs. My friend decided to sell their house and is now preparing to move into an apt while deciding what to do next regarding how she wants to live. These are new beginnings and we have to look at it this way. I have a lovely comforting poem, Miss Me, But Let Me Go and I'll post it later. Take care. |
I'm sorry. :(
|
Dear Debi,
Thank you for sharing your story with all of us. I am so glad you did. I know nothing will take away the sadness right but, what an amazing family you have. Sweet, thoughtful, caring and sensitive children and grandchildren. Im so sorry for your loss and what you are going through. Do go to the beach....not sure why it draws us but it helps. You and your entire beautiful family are in my prayers tonight. God Bless you all Debi. Love, Diandra |
I'm sorry, so young, so fast
My sincere condolences to you and your family Peace be with you |
Deepest Sympathy
Hi Debi,
I'd also like to thank you for sharing so openly. I am very sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine losing my DH, he is also my very best friend. Your highest self, your inner wisdom, will direct you in ways you will find most healing. Simply listen to your inner direction. ;) May you and your family feel surrounded by Love. :grouphug: DejaVu |
Debi,
My heart to yours. Jon |
Debi thinking of you and your family.
My heart goes out to you, Phil |
Debi,
I read your post of your husband's passing only a short while ago.
Thank you for sharing. I just finished sending a PM to you. You are such a "dear Lady". I feel as tho I personally have known you and your family during the past couple of years thru post and PM's. Love & Prayers are with all of you. Gerry |
It's me again....can't sleep
Thank you all for your kindness and prayers. I'm going to need all of you in the coming months.
Wed morning we started picking up around the house. Didn't have to since the ambulance came because we did everything at Christina's. My dad had previously knocked down the wall between the living room and dining room so it is one HUGE room......more than enough space to accommodate this extra large family and friends. I walked around with a garbage crying and picking up. Christina and Jonathan were here with me and so sweet. The pain in my hands and feet wake me when I sleep. We still live in such a small town......our PCP and prior nurse pract came to see all of us at the funeral home. Such awesome people and so caring. My son is in law enforcement and knows a lot of lawyers...some for good reasons and some for bad :) One has told him when I get ready to probate the Will to bring it to him and he'll do it and explain everything to us. All the stuff that needs to be done is just crazy overwhelming. Not sure how I'm going to do going around to all those places with Luke. We will probably have to break it up into multiple days or I won't be able to walk and I absolutely hate to use the wheelchair. I know I'm just rambling out thoughts but that's what I need to do right now and I know you will all understand that. I just sit in the dining room and stare at the wall in front of me. Thank goodness the kids are in and out all day long. My son signed his divorce papers today. So heartbreaking for him to lose his dad and wife at the same time. We are all going to Florida sometime soon with Bubba's ashes. Christina says he gets to ride 'shotgun'.......we've had some light moments filled with laughter. Bubba was a funny man and loved to make people laugh. It's so quiet......he was always calling my name when I left the room. I know it was because he didn't want to be alone. I think somehow he knew this was coming and that was why he was able to tell me so many things he wished he'd told me all through our years together. Please hug your spouse, girlfriend/boyfriend or whatever and tell them you love them. Even if life is hard and you're not always happy with each other. Just do it here and there for me. Debi |
:hug: Debi :hug:
I wish I could tell you that it gets easier......but I will tell you this. And it's something I never thought I'd agree with. TIME will ease things. First time I heard this I thought "Time is my biggest enemy right now!" And it will seem that way. Every day seemed endless. There were times the pain of the loss seemed more than I could bear. I didn't want to be alone but when people were around I wanted to run. It seemed to magnify the fact that my husband wasn't there. But it's something you'll realize in hindsight. You're so very early in the grief process now but as time passes you'll realize that you had more good days than bad. The happy memories will make you smile instead of cry. Your kids will be lifelines for you. They need you and you need them. My heart goes out to you, Debi, because I know exactly what you're going through. Hang in there...... |
Thanks for sharing with us. Please keep posting when you are physically and emotionally capable.
|
Debi,
Thank you for sharing your heartbreaking but beautiful story. So much Love there. I know you must be exhausted. You and your family have been through so much this year. What a blessing that you have each through this difficult time. I am holding you in my heart and sending prayers for peace and wellness and for strength for the journey. You truly aren't alone with family so near and everyone here hurting for you. I hope you make that beach trip. Make two. One now and one sometime in the future when the dust settles. Let the majestic oceans God gave us bring you healing and a place to wash away some of the grief. Sending hugs and healing love, :hug: |
Dear Littlepaw,
Well said. My sentiments, too. |
Sending a hug....
Dear Debi,
I am just about to go to bed and wanted you to know I am thinking of you. You have been in my thoughts all day. And in my prayers. D. |
Up again....hopefully not for long :)
Quote:
Today I head to the SS Office with Christina. Hope to accomplish 3 things: 1. Changing my rep payee from my husband to daughter, Christina. I've been paying the bills all along. It may take me 1/2 the day but I've been doing it. I could try and change to just myself but I don't want to trigger a long form or anything like that. Will also ask that they start taking out taxes which is something I didn't do to begin with. Then we'll need to stop by the bank and see what I need to do with that change plus his checking acct and our joint acct. 2. Widow's benefit or whatever it's called. Even though I made more than him the last few years he worked longer and made more in the overall scheme of things. May not be much difference in pay but he would want me to have it. 3. A one time death benefit from SS ? The last thing I want to do right now is deal with money or bills. I know it has to be done but I feel guilty doing it. I should only be concentrating on his passing and not these real life things. Does that make any sense ? I spent yesterday afternoon in the doctor's office with my mom. She scared the poo out of us yesterday. She only weights 81.5 lbs (as of yesterday had gained 2 lbs since last week !) On Monday night after visitation she had stumbled and fell against the tv set in her room. She does things like this quite often and because she is so small it takes a few days for her to get over it. She has such a high tolerance for pain it's unbelievable to me. Anyway....she asked that I come to her place after I got off the phone around noon yesterday and when I got over there she was shaking from head to toe. Teeth chattering cold. We called 911 and I was able to get her to quit shaking so bad by wrapping her up in a blanket. This on top of her keeping her house at a 'cool' 86 degrees ! She also had a portable heater on. When they checked her out her BP was fine, heart rate fine and no fever. Suggested I take her in to her dr. Called and they got her in at 2:20 pm. Bless her heart she broke 2 ribs....the 6 and 8th. They are clean breaks and had not done any other damage. All I can say is 'my cup runneth over'. The neighbors across the street are going to take all the beautiful outdoor plants we received and make a memory garden for Bubba. I guess you guys are becoming my diary. It makes me feel good to share all this with you. Like old friends sitting around a table talking for hours. Just feels right so thank you for letting me share this as I go through it. Not going to the beach this weekend because of 2 things. My son is worried about what the trip would do to be physically. He knows riding seems to set my nerves off worse than normal and also it's a Holiday weekend. Not up to dealing with all the traffic. Then next weekend will be my grandson Evan's 15 Birthday on Sept 12th. This will be the first family event since losing Bubba and I have no idea how I'm going to do. Hopefully the 3rd weekend from now me and Christina will head out on Friday after lunch for a quick trip to Panama City Beach. I think we may wait until our family trip to Florida next year to spread his ashes. Seems the right thing to do since he loved that week of the year so much. And everyone will be there and not have to take special days off work or out of school. It's so quiet without him here but I feel his presence. Real or imagined doesn't matter. He loved me and I will try my best of make him proud of the way I spend the rest of my life. When I think of all the things he is going to miss it just overwhelmes me. Birthdays, graduations, marriages and births. I will have to manage these all alone as a grandparent. I know it was his time and when I think of all the things he would have had to endure had he stayed I feel blessed that God saw fit to take him now and not let him suffer anymore. God allowed us the time to say the things we needed to say to each other and I am so thankful for that. Not everyone gets that chance. These things were not said with his passing in mind, just the thought they we had found each other again and how we were going to spend the rest of our lives enjoying each other everyday and supporting and loving each other for years to come. Thanks for listening. Debi |
I'm glad you're waiting to go to the beach. Holiday weekends are brutal even for those without other things on their mind. You'll enjoy the time away much more later.
Poor Mom....I hope she's feeling better. Is she doing well at home now? I remember the weeks following my husband's passing. I would sit and think "Doesn't anybody know what just happened? How can people get "back to normal" so quickly? My husband just passed away and the world just keeps going and going......". It's hard to accept but things keep on keeping on.....as much as we want them to slow down. I remember the "chores" of going to the SS office, the bank, the endless places that needed a death certificate in order to either make changes or make the account in just my name. Seemed endless. But I encountered some very nice folks along the way. That is such a nice thing you did with all the plants. I'm sure the garden will look beautiful. My house looked like a florist for weeks.......and to this day I cannot walk into a florist shop without the smell overwhelming me. There is just a certain aroma of flowers and greenery together that still doesn't agree with me. I did save all the baskets and had silk plants put into them. They're pretty and I don't have to worry about watering them. I hope you're coping as best as you can and that your family is close by for you. Just take it one minute at a time......don't try to do too much or overwhelm yourself. It's a process.....albeit slow.....but it's necessary and you will get through it. :hug: |
Embracing all in gentle hugs. :grouphug:
|
Debi,
Thank you for sharing with us. Yes, this is like a diary; journaling your experiences. Writing out your thoughts, what has happened, what needs to be done, what lays ahead is all so therapeutic. We are honored to be included. Please continue keeping us in your day to day needs and accomplishments.
Sharing your family with us feels like knowing them. Hope your mother will be able to hold up under all that is going on. She is such a fragile woman. Lucky to have you close by. Debi; know that healing thoughts, as well as love and prayers are with you and your family. Gerry |
Kitty wrote:
Quote:
This may not be the proper time or place for me to make this post as it is more about ME than about our dear friend Debi and her loss, but it might be nice if she experiences those feelings, it may help her to know that she is not alone. |
Debi wrote:
Quote:
That is an understatement if I ever heard one. You have had more thrown at you lately than many people experience in a lifetime. I am so sorry to hear about your Mom's broken ribs. Few people know just how awful things have been for you because you are always so cheerful and uplifting. A wonderful trait of yours that shines through even in your darkest times. How much better the world would be with lots of Debi's like you. You are one of a kind dear lady and very special. The love pouring out to you in this tread is proof of how you touch the hearts of so many. Let us be here for you for support and caring. Keep writing and find comfort from all the people that love you. |
ger 715 wrote:
Quote:
|
Quote:
Absolutely!! "Frozen in time" is an excellent analogy. It helped me to know that I wasn't alone with the feelings that felt so strange to me then. I only hope Debi feels our presence and love right now. Nobody can really relate to something like this unless they've been there. Seems like there are a lot of folks here that have walked that walk. It's not a walk you want to take alone. Debi, I hope you're having an easier day today. :hug: |
Quote:
As you mentioned; this may help Debi know she is not alone should those feelings arise. I remember all too well those feelings. Gerry |
My first good day :)
I didn't start out thinking it was going to be any different from past days but it has turned out to be a good day. Luke has been here most of the day hanging out. I called and talked to the people at our bank but didn't go to SS Office. Christina just wasn't up to it.
John called from the funeral home and he had received Bubba's ashes and his death certificates. Luke and I met Christina and Jonathan over there to pick them up. I didn't cry at all. It was actually comforting to see that beautiful silver urn with his name engraved on it. Is that weird ? I washed both dogs today, Angus and Charlie and then scrubbed the bathtub out.....it has not been scrubbed in months....how awful that I'm revealing that to all of you....lol Luke took me thru the drive thru at the bank and the drug store and then we picked up a few necessary items at the local dollar store. Went by and picked up Lane from after school program and are now here at home. I have been in this house for months and months and it was so good to get out in the daylight. Even though I'm tired I really want to take Evan and Lane out to dinner with Christina. Luke won't go as he still looks for time to be by himself. Today is the time for my new patch and I'm feeling it. Took my oxycodone at 2but my left leg and foot are just killing me. Wasn't sure I'd make it through the dollar store but I did. Thanks for everything my friends. I'm so glad I have this place to come to and yes I do feel your love and prayers for me and my family like a familiar friend. Means the world to me that y'all care so much. I hope to be much more active on this board than I have been in the past. Having to take care of Bubba really has showed me that I can push myself farther than I thought I could. And that's a good feeling for me. If anyone can think of anything I see to be missing in all of this or have concerns about something I write please ask. I'm a wide open person who has no secrets from anyone....one of the things Bubba didn't like about me....lol Debi from Georgia |
Debi,
I am honoured to be a small part of your Support Structure as you Journal the day's events and what you are having to deal with. All of us here reading your words, I'm sure, are warmed by the knowledge that you are dealing with the mundane and the additional family issues with fortitude. You, and your family are in my thoughts and prayers daily. Dave. |
Debi,
The first few weeks are so busy with so much to do. People always seem to be nearby. Things that hadn't gotten done; now are doing all these things. It's like so much hasn't really settled in. I would imagine you are surprised how well you are really handling all of this. You are quite a lady to be admired.
I couldn't help getting a smile on my face when you mentioned being so open with "no secrets" was one of the things Bubba didn't like. You pretty much described myself....an "open book" with often too much information; but that's who I am and I believe we share the "no secrets" as well. Debi, you give those of us at NT quite a feeling of togetherness. It's hard to explain; but it is so meaningful. You are very "special". Gerry |
Quote:
Am going to bed and putting you in my prayers, and your Mother as well. (Poor dear, broken ribs...what is it about that generation...you said her pain tolerance is incredible...I found that to be true of both my parents). Its funny, I feel the need to check in every night to see how you are doing so I am so glad you are writing to all of us everyday and updating us on how your day has been. You have been remarkably strong and I am amazed at all you are accomplishing. Please be careful not to push too much. Again, thanks for sharing. Fondly, D. |
Debi, I was deeply moved by what you shared.
I think that grieving follows its own path and takes its own time. Whatever feels right for you is the only thing that matters. With care and concern :hug:. |
I spoke too soon.......WAY to soon :(
This is the 2nd time I've been up tonight. The first was about 1:30 and I was in AGONY. I can't remember the last time my pain was that bad. I actually called Christina and she and Jonathan walked up here (dragging poor Lane with them who had been asleep). Not sure why I called her other than I didn't want to be alone with my pain and the tears that Bubba wasn't here to comfort me and offer to get up and get my meds and a cold ice pack.
I took a pain pill and a 1/4 of another (something I've started doing when the pain level is high) and then sat at my dining room table and basically rocked back and forth until the pain slowed a bit. I was still moaning when I laid back down and asked God and Bubba to please let me sleep and get away from the pain. Thankfully I feel asleep quickly with sweet Lane asleep by my side. Remember I washed the dogs and cleaned the tub ? Break-----my mom woke up and came walking in here wanting to know if we'd eaten breakfast yet....lol....God Bless her I don't even eat breakfast. Finally got her back to bed. Thinking her pain probably woke her but she didn't complain about it. Ok...the dogs and tub.......the reason the tub had not been cleaned is because it always sets off my hands and feet and then I hurt.....bad.....which is what happened. So going forward I will go back to washing the dogs in the kitchen sink and asking someone to do the tub. Shoot Luke and Jonathan are both strong young men, 35 and 32, and should be quite easy for them to do in less than 5 minutes. I'm good now. Pain is about a 4 which I can deal with. I did go to dinner with Christina, Evan and Lane. We went to Red Lobster and I ate WAY too much......before we left the restaurant I started feeling guilty for even going......that feeling just grew until I was in tears.......both Luke and Christina said I 'couldn't go there' and that Bubba would want me to go out when I could. I know that but it still didn't make me feel any better. Bubba was not big on going out to dinner. Of course if you asked him to go to the Golden Corral he was the first person in the car ! But normally we would stop by Long John Silver's on the way home and get him a plate. I would come in and he'd be laying across the bed on his stomach. His favorite position for years due to lower back pain. I would get him something to drink, ketchup and a fork and napkin and take to him on the bed. I never could understand how that man would eat laying on his stomach :) He didn't ask me to do that for him I just did because I wanted to. Think I'll read a few new posts and try to go back to sleep. I probably need to set the clock and get up and take another pain pill later this morning so I don't end up in the same shape I was earlier. So goodnight friends......for what's left of it anyway. Debi from Georgia |
| All times are GMT -5. The time now is 11:51 PM. |
Powered by vBulletin • Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
vBulletin Optimisation provided by
vB Optimise v2.7.1 (Lite) -
vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2024 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.