It's happening and I don't feel sad
 

The time I've been afraid for, for many years now is soon here. In a few days my love is going to die, after knowing he will for a few years now. He was always too strong and everytime his illness almost took over, he just fought back and he still enjoyed life.

I've always been so scared, believing I would go crazy without him. Even thinking about his body suddenly not breathing anymore, or knowing his body is buried, or the big emptiness in my life after all those years of having him with me and taking care of him was just too much. I cried hysterically a lot of times. I sometimes even needed pills or abused some alcohol to cope and to hang in there. I sincerely believed I would be going to a mental hospital after he died because I just don't even know who I am without him. I love him more than life.

But now, when he is almost gone, I don't feel that much. And that scares me even more.
It would be nice if I could just feel this way because I am in peace knowing he soon will not suffer anymore, and it's for the best. But I'm not sure if that's what it is.
Yes I sometimes cry, yes I hold him and want to keep holding him. But I don't feel pain or sadness.

I'm so scared this is not a good sign...
Will I collapse or will my brain not be able to handle it after he's gone? Doc says (and we all know it too) it's a matter of hours or days. I'm scared I'm in some kind of automatic state and will have an attack of too intense grief soon. I'm so, so scared.

Can someone relate?

I'm not a doctor and only know what I have experienced first hand but what you're describing sounds normal.

It might just be your body's way of protecting itself. I know I was very "held together" at my husband's visitation and funeral but once I was home and alone it all came out.

I'm the type of person that doesn't want the focus or attention on me so I tend to be quiet during events with lots of people. But once alone......it all comes out. It's like a release valve has been activated.

Don't worry about how you will react. Everyone is different and everyone reacts in their own personal way. No right or wrong here.

And please accept my condolences. It's never easy even when we know it's imminent.

Dear Ravenclaw
 

Thanks both. I feel so much and so little at te same time. I feel confused, because I'm not spending every second looking at him breathing or touching him or smell him. He is with me in this room, and thank god he is still mentally okay, and maybe it helps he is so much at peace. Even though communication isn't always possible anymore, there are some moments we still are able to share. Sometimes just looking at eachother is enough.

Now I'm typing this quietly crying. He's asleep. Why am I online? Why am I typing? Shouldn't I be holding him? I'm afraid I'm not doing the right thing and later feel guilty.

I'm so confused and I feel pain not even sure of this is grief or sadness it's just pain.

I agree with all the comments, I lost a husband to a shocking divorce over 40 yrs ago and I never thought I'd ever make it or live without that man. I've heard thru support groups etc that it is sometimes harder to get thru a hard divorce than when we lose a love thru death. Death is final, divorce "that" person continues on and you are left. Yes I was left by him and thought it was the end of the world. Not so.

Years ago in the 80's I embraced a philosophy Science of Mind and a lot of it's principles include attachments...that's to persons, places, things. I worked on that one and letting go of all attachments makes my life much easier.

I was with both parents at their end and was able to tell them, they could go. They were so ready and lived long lives but were very tired and ill.

Now to this day I still think of my little nephew who died in a horrible accident at age 5...he never had much of a life. That was over 25 yrs ago. Think of that little boy all the time.

A long time friend and I talk a lot now, she buried her husband of 63 yrs. It wasn't a marriage made in heaven but she hung in. She never thought she could ever make it if she divorced him but she could have, I know that one. She took care of him for close to 20 yrs with his failing health. Today she talks about how free she feels and has enough good memories. And no regrets about hanging in with him in spite of the many hard times.

Life goes on we keep going with or without that person. We all have our time here and we don't know when that time is up.

Acceptance, memories and take care of YOU. Life is a mystery and we just have to go with it.

Ravenclaw, I don't have much to offer beyond saying that I think that grieving always follows its own path and takes its own time - there is no "right" way to grieve.

Please be gentle with yourself - whatever feels right for you is the only thing that matters.

With care.

:hug:

:hug: Ravenclaw :hug:

You're going to find that no matter what you do or don't do you're going to feel some guilt. It's just part of the process.

I would drive myself to distraction thinking of what I didn't do.....didn't say.....why I did this and not that......it can really do a number on your mental health. I joined a grief counseling group for a short while after he passed away and it really helped. I didn't feel so alone but hated the fact that there were others hurting just as I was.

You'll get lots of advice from others during this time. I know I did. You just have to do what works for you. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.

Having a place to come and write out your feelings where you know you won't be judged or criticized is invaluable. :hug:

Thanks all. It truly does help to talk, and to share.
Today we had some visitors to say goodbye. Seeing others in pain made me cry. It was good to cry together, and talk.

Thankful for every hour he is still with me, though it's hard to look at him breathing or being awake, while knowing this is over very soon.
I've just never experienced a loss of someone so close to me, so dear to me. He is my soulmate.

Dear Ravenclaw
 

I totally agree with Debi. I've lost other family members and while it was terribly sad and difficult it's not the same as losing a spouse or lifetime partner. Just nothing compares. Nothing.

I was with my Dad when he passed away. I was not with my husband. I used to beat myself up about that but there was nothing I could have changed or done any differently that would have altered the outcome. I've learned to live with that.

I was/am so thankful that I got to be with my Dad. I was a "Daddy's girl" all my life (I was the baby) and being with him just seemed right.

I can tell you that from my own experiences with grief and death you will ponder and question every decision you make or have made. It's enough to drive you loopy but I guess it's just part of it. Did I do enough? Was I there too often or not enough? Did I talk enough or maybe he just wanted me to be quiet? Did I ask him enough if he had everything he needed or was I just "there" and didn't do enough? Argh!!! I can tell you now that whatever you do or have done is just right.....just enough. Please don't waste precious energy on second guessing yourself. You do the best you can and that is enough. It. Is. Enough. :hug:

You're in my thoughts and my prayers.

Dear Ravenclaw,

Do not fret about your process. You have already been grieving for a long time in anticipation and preparation. This is allowing you to be more at peace in these moments and will help you stay strong after he is gone.

If he is sleeping peacefully, let him rest. Hold him if YOU need to. There is no right or wrong way. It is okay to give a little space. It may very well be a gift to him to be alone with his own reflections in the moments between waking and sleeping and even beyond that.

Honor your wisdom and be kind to yourself. You know what is right and are doing just fine. It is good to reach out for support.

Sending hugs and thoughts of peace and love, :hug:

Dear Ravenclaw,

I have not posted on your thread before now but have been keeping up with it. Other posters have done a much better job of expressing my feelings and thoughts than I could possibly do so I have left it up to them.

I just wanted to let you know that my heart goes out to you as you travel this path. Most of us have come to NT because of illness and pain, but the pain of grief is an emotional pain that has no comparison.

While no one can change the path before you, please know that we are here to support you along the journey now and in the future.

Hope

Such a kind and beautiful post. :circlelove:

Thank you again all.

He scared me today, I almost thought it happened, but he's now sleeping again.
It seems unreal, waiting for death.

I hope this is true. Rationally, it seems possible. All those times crying, maybe I've been grieving all along.

Since I'm disabled myself (my neuromusculair disease is why I'm on NT in the first place), it makes it harder. Not only am I not able to go out for a while for a walk, but my medicine is already for years messing with my mental state.
It makes me scared, so scared.
And that feeling makes me feel selfish, I shouldn't be thinking about myself and me being scared.
I never thought it was possible to feel so many emotions, feel so much, feel too little, cry without feeling I'm crying. It probably doesn't make any sense what I'm saying. I'm tired but I can't sleep.
Feel so much love it's almost too much.

He's breathing is getting shallow and doc says it's probably matter of hours. We're laying here somewhat together. My bed against his special bed. Both with our own tubes and things and pills and stuff. Difference is, he will soon be gone. And I have to go on, without him.

I don't know how and frankly, sometimes I don't even know why.

Dear Ravenclaw,

Your post (#15) makes perfect sense. And your feelings are NOT selfish, they are normal.

I do not know why but grief seems to make us feel guilty and makes us feel selfish. I think it is a natural reaction we have for some unknown reason. You are not alone in having these feelings. We will be here for you.

Dearest Ravenclaw,

What a beautiful gift to feel so much love it hurts, to experience its depth so fully that you feel you might break. What greater tragedy it would be had you never had that.

Do not feel selfish for worrying about yourself. I promise your Beloved would understand and is worried for you probably more than for himself.

I firmly believe that you have indeed been grieving the coming loss. This is a common and natural phenomenon. You will make it through this transition and come out with strength and beauty. Reach out to your community for support as you work through the changes. Bereavement groups can be found at many churches and are a good place to share your sadness with others who understand and are at different stages of their process.

Carrying you in love today and sending gentle hugs, :hug:

How are you doing today, Ravenclaw? :hug:

November 6th he passed away. I was holding him, and I felt him pass away. It was a very comforting feeling. Everything about him relaxed.

For me it doesn't feel real I think. He looked like he was sleeping.
There is going to be a burial but I don't know how I can handle it because he doesn't feel, look dead. I don't want it
I want to keep him closer, hold him longer
I know I can't but i just want to keep him with me

:hug: I'm very sorry.

I'm sorry for your loss
 

Ravenclaw you have been incredibly brave sharing your loved ones passing. He would have known you were there and your presence as he crossed over would have been a comfort to him. Be kind and gentle to yourself over these next days.

Ravenclaw,

I have been following your Thread. You have shown great love and composure while dealing with your own issues.

I am sorry for your loss. I hope you can be strong, and kind to yourself.

Dave.

Ravenclaw,

We are all holding you in love and sending healing thoughts. You are strong and courageous, more than you know. Nurture yourself through these days with kindness.

:grouphug:

:hug: Ravenclaw :hug:

I'm so very sorry. Please know that your "family" here is thinking of you.

Kitty

Dear Ravenclaw,

I am so sorry for you in your loss. When loved ones die, they take a piece of us with them. It feels like a wound, but the wound will heal in time. Although the wound will heal, it will leave a scar, and the scar will forever be a reminder of the love that was shared.

Your NT family will be here to support you as you grieve. Lean on us if you wish.

Still not feeling as sad as I should.
Everyone is gentle around me.
I cry, but don't feel as sad as I thought i would.

I mostly feel empty. And alone.
Like it's always been the two of us. And now I am alone.
It's not even his fysical presence I miss the most, it's the feeling inside me. Like something is gone from within my body and it is my heart or my soul or I don't know.

I feel so alone. I am not alone, but it's alone on a different level. I can't even explain.

I miss the sound of him breathing. And his smell. Everthing.
But I also feel dead inside. Or not dead, but broken.

Dear Ravenclaw
 

I am so sorry for your loss and feel your words physically in my heart and soul.

I lost my husband, Bubba, after 35 years of marriage, 2 months and 10 days ago on Aug 30th.

Our lives will never be the same again. Yours or mine.

I've lost others in my life but this is different. As you say, I am not alone but am alone.

Please take care of yourself.

Debi from Georgia

Self-Compassion
 

Hi Ravenclaw,

You will likely pass through different stages, and more than once, as time passes.

Please be gentle with yourself. I'm not sure it helps us to set expectations for our feelings and for all we experience when grieving significant losses. It all takes time, and in the meantime, the experiences and emotions vary.

I have found the depth of the grief hits me much later, sometime after the shock has worn off. I am often in much deeper grief 6 months after a loss than I am immediately after a loss, as the realities of the loss, and how the loss plays out in my everyday life has then set in and I cannot further delay facing the depth of the loss. That's just my own experience.

I know, from experience, just when I think I am done grieving, or have no more tears to shed, I am suddenly surprised by a sudden tearful episode, or I suddenly have a visual memory, or I suddenly recall a feeling, a scent, etc.

Reminders are often all around us, even in other people and our brain picks up on them even when we do not consciously pick up on them.

You love him dearly. You will continue to grieve. You will grieve in ways most helpful to you and at a pace most helpful to you. Trust your grieving process.

This all takes lots of time and lots of self-compassion.;)

Much Love and Prayers,

:hug:
DejaVu

Thank you for your replies.
I feel guilty and very weird. I'm almost to scared to write it down. But I don't feel anything when I look at his pictures. I almost feel detached.
It's not that I don't feel sad, I don't feel anything. I cry because it's what I think I should do.

Is it normal to feel so numb and detached? Especially when looking at pictures? I don't understand myself.

Hi Ravenclaw,

Your sense of detachment is simply a self-protective, self-preservation mechanism.

It's simply doing it's job right now.
It's all okay.

We suffer more if we judge our grieving process.

You will grieve, respond to your loss, in many different ways, and in perfect timing.

:hug:
DejaVu

Hi Ravenclaw

As DejaVu said your detachment is a means of self-protection and it's what you need right now.

Also with knowing your husband was terminally ill you will have done a lot of grieving before he actually passed. My mother passed suddenly, unexpectedly and I was overseas when I found out she was ill - I arrived home 3hrs too late - the grief was immense and I literally shut down for 6 mths. My father was the opposite with a prolonged, deteriorating condition and much of the grieving was done during the time spent with him. When he passed it was more of a release because he was finally free from pain.

Know that whatever you are going through time will heal and although you will miss him forever the memories of the great times you shared will replace the sad ones.

Wishing you peaceful days ahead. Take care - bluesfan

Very Normal
 

Dear Ravenclaw,

All the things you are feeling,... the numbness, the detachment, the guilt, the weirdness, are all very normal feelings.

I was a sobbing wreck before the funeral service of a loved one but once at the funeral home, it was like I wasn't even there. I felt more like a hostess, greeting people, holding it all together, not a single tear, and felt like my body was there, my mind was there, but sort of like I was outside of myself looking at this gathering as if I were not involved at all. (Numb and detached) I went through the entire visitation, service, and gravesite, as if I had not lost a loved one. If I had not been walking and talking, I would have thought I was in a coma. I was just THERE. Had I been replaced by some "stand in"? Was it numbness? Was it detachment? Was it just the only way I could cope and get through one of the worst times of my life?

What was even more strange to me was at every other funeral for which I had ever attended, even for those that I was not close to the deceased, I had cried many tears and now I was being tearless at the funeral for the biggest loss of my life.

The minute everyone dispersed from the cemetery, I was back to my sobbing wreck. I thought that was the weirdest feeling in the world and one I had never felt at any other time in my life. How did I turn off the emotions for the time at the funeral home and cemetery? Now THAT was strange and did not seem to be under MY control.


Everyone deals with the loss of a loved one in their own way and their own time. Anything you feel is OK and normal.

Looking at pictures may not evoke anything at the moment but other times those same pictures may start a waterfall of tears that seem totally uncontrollable.

You may feel all sorts of things you do not expect. You do not have to feel any particular way at any particular time. Each person develops their own coping mechanisms to deal with their loss of a loved one.

You are safe to express yourself here. Your experience and feelings are yours and you do not have to fit some textbook mold of grief.

There is no comparison of the grieving process from one person to another nor even the same reactions within oneself to different losses. Your grief is an individual matter and anything you feel or don't feel is what is right for you.

Many of us can relate to your feelings and may have felt the same as you but it is OK to also feel completely different than others may mention.

Just please know that we are here for you with whatever feelings you may experience along your journey of grief.

Our thoughts are with you. If writing your feelings here helps you, please continue to write us. We are here to help you through these times of sorrow.

One word of caution,... many well wishers may say all the wrong things although they mean well, they just don't know what to say. I am one of those.

I won't pretend to know how you feel, but I do know that anything you feel is OK. I will never know YOUR loss like you do.

What I do know is some of the feelings that may arise, the anger, the guilt, the numbness, the sadness, the hole in one's heart and life. The pain is sometimes unbearable but we will be here to try to comfort you in any way we can. As the days, weeks, months and years pass, your feelings will go through many changes and repeat themselves on many occasions. We will be here for you.

I must admit it scares me. Not feeling. The first days I cried, now I don't even feel anything anymore when looking at his pictures or even videos where I can hear him.
It's like watching someone I don't know, or not even that because that would give me some feelings, thoughts, emotions.
I only cry because I hate that I don't feel anything when thinking about him. I don't even miss his presence in the house or something.
I still feel stuff, but not when it concerns him.

I'm kind of scared because at the end of the month (starting around 20th) I always get crazy because of a combination of hormonal disturbances (pms) and my drugs (prednisone amongst many others). At normal times I have a few days of intense, extreme emotional pain, crying, and thinking about suicide a lot.
So scared of what I will feel when those days come. My family knows about it, but I don't want those days to come.

My life feels like nothing. Why bother. I don't know why I should because I'm always in pain (physically and mentally), I can't do much, need so much pills to even breath and now my love is gone. What is the use? I don't want to stay alive just to enjoy stupid little things like birds or sun.
My head hurts

Dear Ravenclaw,

I understand your feelings. Been there myself with grief making me have no desire to live. I was NOT suicidal, I just did not care if I lived or not. Luckily, I did not have other things contributing to how I was feeling, as you mentioned (pms and medications).

I was also at the beginning of some of my major health issues and that may have had a contributing effect but it was before I was rendered disabled.

I do think grief can be so devastating that we can feel as you, "why bother". Your physical pain combined with your emotional pain just seem too much to endure.

If you are feeling such deep despair, I would like to encourage you to seek some assistance. There are medications that can be prescribed to help you get through this time. There are also many grief counseling services that may be beneficial.

When these dark thoughts enter, you need to reach out to others for help. You don't need, nor should you, go through this alone. Talk with your doctor and your family. Keep writing to us here on NT.

This despair is temporary and it will get better but it takes time.

I can tell you this from personal experience. I went from feeling no desire to live, then to becoming disabled and in pain, to now wanting to live as long as I possible can, regardless of how my own health has deteriorated. It was a gradual turn around but it did happen.

You WILL want to live life again. In the meantime, get some help to give yourself time to get to the desire to live life again. If it takes medications for a while, then ask for them.

I know you are feeling just numb right now. Some of your statements are the same words I said so I do think I have some idea of what you are experiencing now.

I am very glad that I was not battling some of the same forces that are only exacerbating your pain from losing your loved one. Hormonal disturbances alone can make us feel bad.

We are here for you. We can't make your pain go away but we can listen. I do hope you will seek medical attention to help you so that the hurt can be lessened until you are strong enough to have a desire for life once again.

Ravenclaw,

Hope has left such a thoughtful post and saved me typing....good since I am a tired little squirrel.

I just wanted to say that we are thinking of you and sending thoughts for healing and comfort. Strength and peace will come. Rest well and know that you are held in love.

:hug:

Thanks for still replying.

Last few days I feel empty. I live, but I'm like a robot. Everything around me, bad, good, happy, horrible, it doesn't reach me. I wake up, go to bed, and do stuff in between. Not even sure what, I feel so very empty.

It's not suicidal, but more the numb I don't care.
Though it is a bit of a dissapointment waking up in the morning.
You'd think with a weak body and a bleeding heart, you would just die in your sleep. But no, I have to go on. I don't know what for, with him I still had some kind of purpose in live, be it very little. But now I just lay here every day, waiting for the day to pass. You know when you are so extremely exhausted, but simply can't sleep?

I do lit candles for him. Makes me feel like I'm doing something.

You just described grief. I remember feeling the exact same way. I never knew hurt like I felt then. It's indescribable. There are no words in the English language that even come close to describing the feeling.

I was just on auto-pilot and made my way through the days. While I was busy doing something my mind was somewhat occupied and that helped me cope.

Can you ask your doctor for something to help you sleep? It was hard for me to sleep, too. Sleep was my only escape and it avoided me like the plague!

I know we're all trying to help you and tell you things to ease the pain but when it comes down to it it's something you just have to get through the best way for you personally. No right or wrong way. Just your way.:hug:

Oh my dear Ravenclaw,

Your words described your feelings so well. I felt them. Yes, that robotic numbness of just not caring and wondering what is your purpose for going on. Your reason for living has gone and you are left empty, void of purpose.

I assure you that these feelings WILL fade in time. You will find another purpose, you will begin to care if you wake each day, but it does take time. It took me a VERY long time but each person has their own time table and response.

Thanks so much for posting and sharing your feelings. Just as the feelings you are having right now will not disappear over night, neither will we. We are here to be of any help we can while you mourn. The sun will shine again but you won't be able to see it until the clouds disappear.

I miss his smell. His breathing and how he feels. His sounds.

I don't know how to cope.

Wish I was very old. Or I was terminally ill. I truly do.
Knowing I have to go on for years, it breaks me.

In my years of pain and illness I kept going for him. Now the only thing from quitting altogether is 3 family members who would be heartbroken.
For me, quality of life was never good since becoming ill. Now it is zero.
I exist. Only for those people but never for me.

Some nights I wake up, because I can't hear him breathing. Then I realise he isn't next to me.
In my sleep I still reach for him.

Every day is another day survived. I do not live. I am counting down my days.

I just
I don't know

So much pain