Does anyone else have PTSD from s/s attempt?
 

I have posted here before, months ago.

I'm bipolar I and I tried to commit s/s 12/23 last year after a 4mo period of mania. A lot was going on in my life, and I was psychotic at the time.

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**the following content below may possibly be triggering for some members.**







I swallowed 2 kinds of prescription pills I knew would disrupt my heart rhythm (nursing background), cut my wrists and throat in front of a mirror before I was stopped. I'm alive because I was too vain too wear my glasses and the fire/police/ambulance station were 2min away.

This last year has been hell. I've been hospitalized twice, have suffered terrible side effects of multiple meds, and have been hypomanic or manic for 8mo out of this year. I have fought back and my bipolar is stable now because I quit drinking and have been in very close contact with my psych doc.

But I've struggled on and off with violent imagery related to my s/s attempt since it happened. Sometimes it triggers panic attacks. But it's always extremely disturbing and makes me feel physically ill.
These thoughts usually coincide with me fixating on my neck and it has the same result.
I don't feel s/s when these things happen, but they contributed to my last manic episode.
My psych doc says it's PTSD.
I was wondering if anyone else has experienced this type of thing themselves?

The meds I've been on had been doing a good job of controlling this, but recently these images have been breaking through. An increase helped for a couple of days, and I'll be increasing again.

My OCD is not under control and I'm also having intrusive thoughts again.

I'm afraid I'm going to find myself in the psych ward for a 3rd time this year.

Kay

I'm sorry you are having to go through this Kay. Does your psych have any suggestions besides pills to help you? I would imagine this time of year would be very difficult for you and could be very triggering. :hug:

I can't help you as I've never attempted myself but admire you for talking about it. :grouphug:

My pdoc suggested seeing my therapist more frequently, and I agree...

I saw my therapist last week and she recommended seeing her every 1-2 weeks. The problem is that the next available appointment was Christmas Eve. Even her breaks are booked. This is always a problem. I can keep calling, hoping I can catch an earlier appointment because of a cancellation.

Before my s/s attempt, I was having a lot of problems with my family. I was very ill, but was pretty much pushed over the edge (it's a VERY long story). My husband hates most of my family. I asked him not to go on tirades about any of them because it only gets me going and brings up bad memories. He agreed, but hasn't kept his promise. I'm left trying to redirect him.

Thankfully, the medication increase I made today is helping with the violent imagery and intrusive thoughts :) I hope it continues to do so :)

I am very vigilant as far as monitoring my psych symptoms and have started documenting since the imagery and intrusive thoughts have reemerged- this includes responses to meds.

I keep in very close contact with my pdoc, and have seen her weekly and bi-weekly at times for months. I have no problem raising my hand and asking for help... even if that means a return trip to the hospital.

It sounds like you are getting excellent care Kay. I hope your husband can get his act together. :hug:

Thank you Alffe :hug:

I've been under a lot of stress lately...

The imagery and intrusive thoughts I mentioned were triggered because my father confided in me last month that he was contemplating s/s. His personal finances are in ruins and his business, which is a large part of his identity, is in jeopardy. I know what a risk that presents. Thankfully, he has since gotten help, but the worries are still there. He has to continue to want to get better and he has to remain compliant. Antidepressants can take time and a lot of tweaking.

I have MS, but am dealing with 2 other health concerns. I have to wait for testing in early January and March before I'll have more answers. The waiting is difficult.

Prior to my s/s attempt I got a DUI and have been without my license for almost a year. The process of getting it back has been a never ending source of anxiety. I now need to go to an evaluation and have substance abuse counseling before I can make any further attempt to get my license back.
The counseling could take weeks to months, the cost of the evaluation and counseling services are going to be very expensive, and my husband and I aren't exactly flush.

I was sober for 3mo following my s/s attempt and only drank a beer or two every month after that until I had to stop taking Lithium again because of another bout of toxicity. A med change led to agitated mania- HELL ON EARTH. I drank 4 beers the first night to try to slow down and get some sleep. But the next morning I realized how dangerous drinking was, and I couldn't afford to lose control. So I put a sign on the fridge in big bold red letters reading "NO MORE BEER." I was in control enough to lock myself out of my apartment and call 911 when the s/s thoughts hit. I spent 11 days in the hospital. I have no doubt I would be dead if I had kept drinking. I've been sober since Jul 20th.

I probably could have gotten out of the DUI if I hired a lawyer, but instead I plead guilty and accepted responsibility. The DUI itself is not my issue...

Thinking about the substance abuse counseling naturally has me thinking about why I stopped drinking in the first place... I'm an alcoholic and I need to be able to recognize the subtler signs of a bipolar episode early so I can get treatment before my life is in danger again.
But memories surrounding my s/s attempt are surfacing because of all this. I was sober when I did it, but I was manic and mostly drunk for the 4mo preceding it. The events leading up to it were messy. I was very ill, but I was also pushed.

I've been pretty good at redirecting myself when I've been stressed out lately, but sometimes it takes time. And I'm trying very hard not to indulge myself in these thoughts. The substance abuse evaluation isn't until January, so I'm hoping I can put it to the back of my mind soon so it doesn't continue to bring up these memories and trigger an episode.

My therapy appointment was Christmas Eve. Because of a cancellation it was moved up to the 22nd. That's the best I can get. I'm going to have to look into getting a new therapist. How can they tell you you need to be seen every week, or every other week, then not have anything available until a month later?

Do they give you a hot line or phone numbers that you can call in between times and while waiting for the appt?

If not ask for some of those , so you can call and talk when ever you need to.
Hopefully there are some 24/7 numbers available.

Hang in there waiting for the Therapy appt, it is only 8 days away now - endless as they may seem. At least after that you should be on a scheduled appt routine.

Your choice of not drinking, and your commitment to it for the benefit of your health issues is commendible. I had to stop myself drinking due to using it to mask my mental health problems, along with the ridiculous amount I would consume daily with no physical effect. That was over 25 years ago now and I never went back after Day 1. Now I have a near hatred of alcohol and the smell makes me nauseated. The longer you go, the easier it becomes, until it ends up no longer being an issue.

Dave.

Jo*mar, I'm not suicidal. If I have any new psych symptoms, I'll call my psych NP immediately and I can get right in to see her, or get an emergency appointment with someone else. It does not take long for me to escalate to mania. If I become s/s it's important for me to get to the ER because of my history- it's not something that can wait. It's just the therapy appointment I'm waiting for. To be honest, I hate therapy. But I know that it's in my best interests to go. Their office doesn't have a 24/7 line for therapy. I doubt I'd reach out to a stranger because things are so complicated anyway.

Dave, congratulations on your 25yrs!
I was pretty much already dry when that episode of agitated mania hit. So that gave me a much better appreciation for that reason why I drank. I remember having mixed episodes like that, but they never escalated to that point, probably because I was drinking to self-medicate. I already knew of many other reasons... euphoria, depression, stress, relaxing social anxiety, etc.
I was able to quit drinking during the absolutely worst 5 days of my life. If I made it through that, I figure I can make it through anything. After I left the hospital I was still hypomanic, and at times manic, for months and still didn't drink even though those kind of episodes triggered my drinking in the past. Despite my alcoholism is, I've found it pretty damn easy to quit up to this point. I guess I just needed the right reason. Having my bipolar disorder stabilized definitely helps, too. I do like the taste of beer and have an O'Douls from time to time though.

My husband is a severe alcoholic. You might think that that would put me at risk... but it has the opposite effect. It worries me, makes me sad, and sometimes disgusts me. He knows he's an alcoholic, but has no desire to stop or cut back. I don't harp on him to quit, but I don't let him get away with crap excuses either, such as he doesn't feel well so he should take vitamins when it's really the heavy drinking making him feel like ****. No matter how much I'd like him to stop, I have to do what's right for me and can't worry about carrying him on my back- as cold as that may sound.

Kay

(((((((HUGS))))))
bizi:hug:

Thank you Bizi (((HUGS))) Right back at ya.

Kay I think you have a handle on your roller coaster ride. Have you read Kay Jamisons books, An Unquiet Mind and Night Falls Fast. They are both excellent books, funny and powerful. :hug:

Thank You Alffe.
I have a handle on things to a certain degree. I've put in a lot of hard work this year to stay safe and use all the tools I can to manage my MH problems, but it hasn't been a bed of roses.
I haven't read the books you mentioned. I used to be an avid reader, but it's become very difficult for me because of the MS.

The imagery returned yesterday despite the medication increase. This time it's presenting more as intrusive thoughts rather than PTSD. I can't let this go- I'm going to make an appointment with my psych NP.

Hello OhKay

I have bipolar and understand the PTSD symptoms you describe. My PTSD was described for other events prior to bipolar diagnosis, but they were one in the same in truth.

Alcohol use/abuse another commonality. I call it self medicating, some call it something else.

Ruminating over past events of suicide attempts, done that for last 25 years.....

Counselling tried that...not me I,m afraid..... I want to move forward not back.

CBT and NLP..... ...extremely helpful at putting thoughts in their place....and Google....controling your inner chimp.
This is a great way of self controlling your darkets thoughts.

Having worked with homeless people for over twenty years .....you cannot change or stop anyone from an addictive nature...they have to decide that for them self.....therefore your husbands choices are his.......

You have the choice to accept his life choices and behaviour or not.........(not easy at all, and with bipolar even harder..as the stress is the biggest killer with this awful affliction)

You are like me..in that when its bad you hold your hands up, and head off for help.....continue this life saving ethos...

Get some relaxation or positive thinking CDs.....play them repeatedly.....it does get in your head and over time does strengthen resolve....limiting episodes....


Stay strong dear lady......you're doing a grand job so far


Kind regards
David

Thank you so much for your post, David. I'm so sorry for your years of struggle. :hug:

It is comforting to hear from someone who can relate to the issues I'm facing, and has found ways to cope.

I also had a pre-existing diagnosis of PTSD. Many in the psychiatric community recognize that anxiety disorders and bipolar disorder overlap. You'd be hard pressed to find someone with bipolar disorder who hasn't suffered from an anxiety disorder at some point.

Sometimes I have a hard time distinguishing hypomanic symptoms from GAD. It became a problem during a long period of mania/hypomania when I was managing my meds with am prns (as needed). I always treated my anxiety first, but I tended to under-medicate the hypomania because the milder symptoms can feel so similar to lingering anxiety, and I was afraid of over-medicating. Now I know sedation is worth the risk.

Unfortunately, I'm hypomanic again. My last episode took months to shut down. Today my pdoc and I came up with a med plan based on what worked to eventually end the last episode. The med plan should also help with the intrusive thoughts. I hope I don't find myself struggling through a long episode again.

Like you, I want to move forward in life. As I do, I tend to lock doors as I go. I'm not the best therapy patient. I have never heard of NLP, but I know that my therapist uses CBT and other methods of treatment. I will have to ask her about it when I see her on the 22nd.
I'll also be googling "controlling your inner chimp." It sounds interesting lol.

So far my sobriety hasn't caused a great divide in my marriage. I understand that the decision to keep drinking or quit is my husband's alone, just as the decision to remain sober is my own. Whatever happens, I refuse to subscribe to the "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em" mentality to keep my marriage together. I choose life.

Thank you again for your thoughtful post David.

Kay

p.s. I also want to say thank you for your work with the homeless. I can imagine it can be very challenging at times. You must be a very kind and patient person. The world needs more people like you. :hug:

David,

I googled "Controlling your inner chimp." It was very interesting! I could benefit from counting to ten from time to time in an effort to help tame mine.

I have MS. During my hospital stays, my psychiatrist was fascinated by the relationship between emotional lability (sudden emotional displays d/t MS or another brain injury) and what could be considered an inability to control my inner chimp. He came to the conclusion that they co-exist.

My neurologist is of the mind that the medical community has a tendency to blame everything on MS (I agree), and my symptoms are likely due to bipolar disorder. However, I do have a large lesion in my frontal lobe.

Interesting point: About 10% of patients with MS also have bipolar disorder.

It was a year ago today that I tried to take my own life. I was psychotic, but I remember everything about it. It's still difficult for me to look at the physical scars sometimes, and the psychological scars are infinitely worse.

I saw my therapist yesterday. I started putting things together and once I started talking I was all anger...

Over the last 8yrs or so when I wasn't hypomanic, I was zombified on a ton of meds. I was simply not functioning. I had s/s thoughts everyday. As my bipolar disorder became more unstable, I started drinking more heavily, and became an alcoholic. My marriage and other relationships suffered- That's the short story.

I was diagnosed as Bipolar II. Despite plenty of warning signs, that diagnosis was never re-evaluated. It wasn't until after my suicide attempt that I was finally diagnosed as Bipolar I.

I'm angry because of the years I lost. I'm left wondering what my life would have been like if I was correctly diagnosed and treated sometime in the last, oh, 20yrs... and if I would have ever tried to commit suicide if I was...?

I'm angry at myself. I didn't return to my NP after I had to stop taking lithium. I'm the one who chose to stay off my meds and not seek help when I knew I was symptomatic and still had enough control to ask for it. I have to live with the chaos I created in my own life over the four months of alcohol fueled mania before my s/s attempt because of those decisions. And I couldn't handle the chaos that others contributed...

I inflicted terrible pain on my husband. I think he suffers more from my actions than I do because I can ask for help now, and he never will.

I'm angry that I'm bipolar. I know that it's a disorder I'll have to struggle with for the rest of my life, and I know that my prognosis isn't good.
The most confusing part of my suicide attempt to me is that I wasn't overtly depressed- I was manic. Even though I was psychotic, I planned it, I was methodical, and it seemed like the logical thing to do at the time. How do you explain a disconnect like that?

This year has been HELL for me. It's tough to fight your way back to sanity, and learn how to live with something like this...

But I've had my victories. I've reconciled with my husband, become very proactive in my care, learned how to take back some control of my life, and I've been sober since July 20th.

I'm still working through things, and probably always will be to some extent, but I try to view my suicide attempt as a second chance. My life is both better and worse because of it. I value my life, and will do everything I can to keep it safe now.

I haven't been having any panic attacks from the PTSD recently- that's great news! :)

I am still having some intrusive thoughts, although they're less frequent now. And my anxiety has been very high, so I've been experiencing some catastrophic thinking. I've been taking advantage of my klonopin, so that has been easier to control.

My episode of hypomania was short-lived, and I'm happy to say that the small increase of 50mg of seroquel was all it took to squash it this time :)

Things aren't perfect, but I'm hanging in there and my meds are coming through for me.

Kay I admire your courage to look at your life and learn. You have worked hard this past 5 months to make things better. YOU DO have more control and are working hard to stay sane. You have a great/wonderful pdoc in your corner. That is so important. IT seems your tdoc is there for you as well, if you reach out to her.
This will be a year of change for the good for you. You will get your drivers license back this year I believe. You have made such progress.
My heart wishes for you a fabulous year of self care and nurturing.
lots of love
bizi

Thank you Bizi, you are always so supportive :hug::hug::hug:

This years resolutions are a continuation of what I've already been focusing on: maintaining my sobriety and remaining proactive in my mental health care this year. I've done a 180 over the course of this year. At some point in 2016 I should have my license back.