I am not coping well
 

I am eating like a pig and now am really afraid to get on the scale. I eat so fast. I have so much anxiety. the clonopin isn't helping. I am so irritable. I am being provocative. yesterday i wound having to sit at another table. there is a guy named Mike who has such a strong voice I can hear him clearly when i am sitting at a table not near him. yesterday i was talking to a woman and could hardly hear her. I told him to please speak lower even though i knew there would be conflict. sure enough there was conflict and he spoke even louder.
then when they started singing christmas songs he boomed and i ran out.
I went to the rabbi's wife class last night and she was talking about Sarah and Rebecca. It was fascinating. before that i ate 1/2 pound of brie and prunes and a pint of turkey walnut cranberry salad. I couldn't control myself. I then threw it up. I ate a little something at the lecture. then when i came home i ate two pounds of mashed sweet potato. I really outdid myself. I go to the psychiatrist this morning and leave in a few minutes. I will tell him how anxious i am and how impatient i am. I shouldn't even been writing this but i feel so desperate.
I had one pleasant dream last night although it was filled with anxiety.
I dreamt of myra twice this week. four other people said that they also felt a part of them died when their sibling died even if they were not on good terms with them.
here goes...i will post this...i should be embarrassed but i feel so scared.
bobby

Dear Bobby,

There is no need to be embarrassed, and you shouldn't feel uncomfortable writing about things that are weighing on your mind. That's why the forum is here, that's why we are here to support you.

I'm glad that you are going to see your pdoc, and I hope that you are going to open up about your anxiety, all the reasons behind it, and all your symptoms.

Your binging is increasing because of your anxiety is so high. You need to forgive yourself for it.
Your reaction at the senior center probably came about for the same reason. If you weren't so anxious, your request that Mike lower the volume of his voice may have come across a little better. I have the same problem when I'm overly anxious.

I'm glad that you enjoyed the Rabbi's wife's class last night.

I sincerely hope that your pdoc can come up with a plan to better manage your anxiety today.

I'll be sending good thoughts your way.

:hug::hug::hug:
Kay

thank you. i told him everything but the throwing up. he decided to lower my welbutrin to 150 and see if that takes off the edge. I made an appt to see him in two weeks rather than a month. I don't think i will go to the senior center but just eat eggs.
bobbyh

hi bobby,
thank you for sharing.
yes that is what we are here for. Lean on us.
have you ever tried celexa?
It is an anti depressant with anti anxiety benefits also.
sorry it is so hard right now.
bizi

Bobby,

I hope that the lowered Wellbutrin helps.

'Good that you seeing the pdoc in two weeks.

'Sorry that you are struggling.

M

I tried celexa but that did nothing for me. I don't think the wellbutrin is doing anything either so i don't expect a change when i got down to 150. I think i need more risperdal which in the past had caused me to gain so much weight besides probably giving me diabetes.
the klonopin dose i am on is not eliminating the awful anxiety. I think the risperdal would dull me and stop me from being provocative. I went to the senior center yesterday and sat at my old table. Michael, the guy i had the confrontation with was sitting at another table. I am certain he lowered his voice yesterday. I don't think it was a coincidence.
I am so worried about my urge to eat. I don't want to get on the scale but if i keep this up i will gain 20 pounds. I had lost sixty. I haven't found any wisdom on the internet about binge eating. I am going to skip the senior center today i think and just have hard boiled eggs. I don't have much food in the apartment except for cannollini beans and eggs. last night i made egg salad with onions.

when i walk now I feel the extra weight and grow tired faster. this morning i probably will go for a walk with cecilia. I am really losing it. talked politics with the psychiatrist yesterday. I don't want him to drop me because i might be too sick. I mentioned i might vote for trump because he would shake things up. He responded and said he was so dangerous and it was like pre nazi germany with a charismatic leader. We both decided we weren't going to vote.
I didn't ask him yet about topamax which did curb my appetite but interfered with my memory which is so good now. I thought before when i couldn't remember things and was slow that it was from aging.
bobby

I am struggling more than i have in years. I felt such a relief that supposedly my taxes were resolved and i think medicare is resolved and found out that other people felt part of them died when their sibling died.
right now i have no major problems that i know of except that i have lost control.
The psychiatrist thought the reason i only shed a tear for my sister was because of the medication. I just felt nauseated thinking of my sister. the holidays are definitely not helping. I should be relieved that the senior center is having xmas lunch on christmas and cecilia for my christmas gift is taking me out to dinner on xmas eve. I will get a salad....chef salad..
I have to answer an email to an old friend who lost her brother when he was about 55 and her mother when she was 91. she is still angry at her brother but still misses him. she is my age and says she needs a job...not because of money.
she moved back to penn. and lives in the house she grew up in with the lake right in front of her. I don't know if she still skis and waterskis. she was a pro.
A guy at work had said she could be a venetian street walker.
bobby

what does this mean?
I am so sorry that it is hard for you bobby. I wish I could tell you that things will get better with time. But that sounds so trite....
This sounds different for you.
A different space in your mind/soul.
Like you have been shaken to your core. Perhaps this is from all of the stirrings of myra.
You have been under a great amount of stress with your taxes. Please be kind to yourself.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

thank you. he joked and meant she could be a street walker on the canals of venice italy.
bobby
i think i have been shaken to the core...you are right

Thanks for explaining, I was wondering also.

I think you will keep working with yourself. Hoping you change your mind
and go to the senior center. Its good for you.

Also with the weight, just keep working on losing it. Wish it were as
easy as saying just quit worrying about adding but its not.

Donna :hug::grouphug: