How do marriages survive TBI?
 

My husband and I have been married for 16 years, together for 23. Our marriage has had its ups and downs but we have always made it through.

I am 2.5 years post TBI and I feel like there is no way we will make it. I feel like he is hanging on to look like a hero until the big legal payout and then he will hit the road.

He says that he was so over us when my accident happened, but he decided to live by his vows and stand by me. The problem is, he always throws it back in my face. I feel like everything he does is so that he can look like a good man to everyone else. Prior to my accident he did nothing around the house, or with the kids. He was responsible for being a career man and I took care of the household. Well now he has to do a lot of the household stuff that I did, but while he does it he complains to the kids and I about how he does everything and we are lazy. The thing is I do lots too, sure it isn't like it was before but I don't sit around on my *** all day.

He spends zero time connecting with me or the kids, and then complains when I show him no affection or intimacy. And then gets mad when it isn't front of mind for me, he thinks I am torturing him on purpose.

So when we come to blows, it always comes back to this. He says that he loves me and wants to be with me but then he can't understand why I am the way that I am. Simple discussions become huge blowouts because he just keeps going at me over and over and over.

I thought he got it, but I am really beginning to wonder if he ever really will. I've shared enough articles with him about my changes and struggles, and what that does to relationships. But it seems like it goes in one ear and out the other.

Wow.....

Well it was the same over here......One day I just had enough.....

I moved 1700 miles away, and shortly after filed for a divorce.....

I may be alone, but Im happy that all the nagging and not trying to learn or have empathy is over!

When my wife was diagnosed with her brain tumour back in 2007, I didn't even consider leaving her. She had her first operation and recovered. A few years after we married and had our son. Then we had our daughter, after which her scan showed that her residule tumour was growing again. And I also gained a concussion around the time of her second operation, last year. She had her new scan results yesterday and she is now tumour free and the biopsy came back as benign grade 1.

Through all of this we have also had daily life struggles and two young kids to look after. But we stick together because we only have each other.

Families should stick together theough hard times. Maybe your husband needs to understand how important family is.

Im sorry. Mine didn't and we were high school sweethearts since I was 15! However, I am not going to get into it, but I will say because no prenup (why on EARTH would I have one, right?) the settlement I got, 50/50 automatically, but I STILL got screwed in the end by the time everything was done. Waited WAY too long to divorce HIM! All it was was lawyers arguing and padding THEIR pockets. It was a collaborative divorce. DON'T EVER DO THAT kind!! We should've just gone to court ourselves!! The lawyers got rich off me. I was still too messed ip mentally.

So I am sorry.


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KOM,

I understand your struggles. Your struggle is not uncommon.

I bet your participation in housework and other household issues is two fold. Some tasks are a struggle to do from a physical perspective due to your injuries. Others may be a struggle to stay connected to the task due to forgetfulness and such. I would not be surprised you have lost some of the instinctive drive to 'take care of the nest.' Brain injury can be tough in that way.

For those tasks that you can do physically, you can ask him to make lists for you to follow. There is no reason the kids cannot participate doing the work on the lists. My wife taught our kids to do their own laundry when the youngest was 8, the oldest 11. If they wanted to wear it clean, it was their responsibility to get it laundered (washer and drier) . It helped them learn some good life skills. They had other responsibilities, keeping the kitchen and bath orderly, etc. I did the heavy bath cleaning and other household work. .

The intimacy issue is difficult. Women change in this area even without a brain injury. Peri-menopause can be as rough as menopause. The personality changes can be rough. I have to learn to act caring even though the innate feeling of caring is not there. We can retrain some of these lacking feelings to at least be able to act them out when they do not come naturally.

But, you can't change his attitude. Men go through changes too. Especially as we approach and go through the 40's. Those middle life changes can mean we need to learn new relationship skills as a couple.

Have you done any couples counseling ? Is he willing to participate ? I'm sure that with a little research, you can find a counselor how works with the personality changes from brain injury.

The challenge is his level of commitment. If it is not there, he can respond, 'I know the issues but I just do not care anymore.' As the saying goes, You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink.

I would hope that any big legal payout would stay with you. You are the one who went through the pain and suffering. He just experienced the ups and downs of life. I hope he understand that it will be much more expensive for you two to live apart. Learning to live together even when the feeling are not there has other benefits. If he can learn and accept them as valid.

But, it sounds like he was already checking out before your accident. Has he ever explained his reasons for that disconnect? Maybe there is something that can be addressed in that area.

I understand the strain this can cause to a family. My kids lived with my struggles, too. My wife can now identify the behaviors and the changes I underwent over the years after each concussion. We're going on 36 years and PCS issues started rearing their ugly head at about the 2nd year. Fortunately, we kept the mechanics of the relationship going even when the feelings of the relationship were weak.

My heart goes out to you.

I've often wanted to do that, but my kids keep me going at it. Trust me, I have days where I think they would be better off without me too. It's so hard.

Thanks. It really sucks, and as Mark says above, the settlement shouldn't be 50/50 but it is... that money is for my pain and suffering, for my loss of income and my future medical needs.

Thank you Mark! You really are the wise elder ;)

I know the stress of it all has been too much for him at times, which I understand. I just wish that he would be more accepting to my struggles. I am far from perfect. He says that he feels that I do so much of this to him on purpose.

I am going to look into some marriage counselling options and hope that he is open to it.

So damn true :( The loss of income has NO measurement and NO settlement can or will EVER replace. I'm sorry for my wording, this is so a bad area of mine. Anyway. All I know is, it is just SO unfair in the end. Personally? Shouldn't have got even CLOSE to what he got. I'm the one who flat-lined. I'm the one who suffers everyday and WILL suffer every day. He just walks away. You know. I wasn't trying to be a bad person here. However, I WAS trying to work.

Went back in my same field, but didn't stay at same job for more than 3 months. Couldn't handle it, mentally nor physically. Very disheartening. Couldn't give up, so I tried another position. Epic fail. I have now moved 700 miles away and finally stopped altogether.

So upsetting. Too young for this, but hey, I wanted to shed light on our misfortunes.


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Knocked out mom,

sorry to hear about your situation. My marriage didn't make it through PCS. I moved out about four month ago. My son came with me. It was a huge step into an unknown future.

Most of the time I do feel a lot better. I can rest when I need to without being yelled at for being lazy. I can do my housework whenever I want to do it. I can take brakes.

My husband didn't understand, or maybe didn't want to understand what PCS is and what I was going through.
He was embarrassed to tell other people what was wrong with me, when he went to a friends birthday or so, every time he made up something else, so he wouldn't have to tell the truth.

Now I go to work, handle my housework and everything around my eight year old son. It works, some days it is hard, other days it is easy.

I do feel lonely every now and then, but then I keep telling myself, that it was the best thing I could do. During the last year of my marriage I felt a lot more lonely.

Anja