Thinking dark thoughts
 

I am just so unhappy. I haven't been to my neuropsychologist since my most recent stroke (#5) last month but what the heck good is it? I don't feel better. I don't want more medicine, I have never accepted my body not being able to do what it used to, like walk more than 10 feet or stand for more than 2 minutes. I'm told that I wouldn't play basketball like I did in college. I know that but I'd still be playing.

My wife has never really understood the whole thing. I think it's kid of "you're upright, you must be cured." Last weekend I told her I wish she could spend one day like me and I got "the face' and a brush off of Nice excuse or whatever. She hasn't touched me in 7-8 years. The Dr. said it's OK to try. I've tried to start it and get laughed off. I'm told to "stop living in the past." I just want to cry but it doesn't happen, so I watch Rent and I finally do.

I've had everything ripped from me, my job, athletics. I look at volunteer opportunities and they either require moving around or stuff you need both hands to do.

On the grand tote board I find more pros to not being around than I do cons. What to do what to do.

If it should comfort you
I feel for you
And understand
Having my life change at age 49
And for my body to never return to it strong
abilities
One of my favorite things I enjoyed with a large group of us
would play volleyball barefoot in the sand
Never to live that fun again
I am 5' 9-1/2" tall
155 lbs
My muscles went into immediate atrophy after first sugery
A tough thing for me to swallow
I have spiraled downward since
Hoping for the ride to stop
But know I feel for you
I do
Love
Me

Sometimes Fence; just good to give your thoughts and feelings to those who understand where you are coming from. Sometimes all we want from those who play a major role in our lives is a little love and compassion.

It's difficult remembering what was and what now is. All we can do is to try to make the best of what we can do. Which, as you well know, is not easy.

Glad you are posting and giving updates.


Gerry

Hello SDFence: I'm an older person now... 68 years young! :eek: I was diagnosed with prostate cancer at around age 50 or so... (memory fails me...) Anyway, I had "the surgery" & I've been impotent ever since. That along with the antidepressants I've taken, plus a few other things I won't go into & the sum total is sexuality died for me many years ago now. :Sigh:

I know something of what you wrote about being upright, so you must be cured. I've struggled with mental health difficulties pretty-much my whole life. But I managed to hold things together until the surgery I mentioned before. Since then, things have just slowly unraveled for me. It's a long story & I won't go into a lot of detail.

But what I wanted to share was that my spouse doesn't understand mental illness. She doesn't know what to do with it, & she really doesn't want anything to do with it. She just wants to assume that everything is okay. So that's what I give her. (She's really wonderful to me in so many ways!) I can't blame her. She didn't sign up for this. But what it means for me is that I have no one to talk to. (I don't see a therapist.) I just keep it all to myself. Sometimes it feels like a tornado swirling around my insides. :( So I have reached a point in my life where I simply strive to accept things the way they are... with as much lovingkindness & compassion as I can muster. I wish you well... :hug: