just venting ...if thats ok
 

Living a modern life is much harder than I thought.

Some days I cruise through thinking I have mastered it, and other days I am the hypersensitive male my cyber friend once described.

Life at present is a deffinate struggle...I try to remain positive and. Then ....a word, a look, a gesture, a sentence, a/statement, a ....momentary pause of no interaction what so ever.

Believe me I try every bloody day to say this chaos in my head will get better.....I tell others daily that life is an opportunity take it . Why do I stumble with my own advice

Recently my thoughts are utter ****.......my mum is dying of dementia....I wish it would end

I dream of breaking limbs..so I can take time off to re assemble my thoughts and deal with current life

I day dream of divorce to rid myself of responsibility to others, yet dream nightmares of separation and cry hysterically in my sleep...recently experiencing sleep paralysis three times in six weeks...( which is a living nightmare)

I love my children without hesitation..but cannot express my feelings, instead display complete seperation

Five years of mood stabalising medication...destroyed me..I'm a shell of my former manic self

I am numb of happiness and void of excitement....I don't want to end my life, but I more than often wish I did not wake, or lightining did strike...

I have no friends. (Bar my dear wife). I am alone evey day.....feeling sorry for myself (people might say, pull yourself together.......) every bloody day


I daily put up with people talking over me, round me, through me....its like I'm not there

The only plus is the public send thanks to my employer for my interaction with them.....but to them iI,my still invisible, and their ambivilance makes me more withdrawn and silent.

I have endured more change in seven years to last a lifetime..

.I morph endlessly ......to mould into other peoples expectations....for what?.........


I just wanted to get this out...and vent my thoughts....


.tomorrow I try again..............
David

I am sorry that you suffer so.
Mental Illness is a b****
I have lost cognitive ability and memory from years of anti psychotic usage.
I sympathize with you.
We need you.
thank you for sharing.
I am sorry it is so hard.....
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

David,
I think it takes a great deal of courage to open up and vent as you did here. I think you said many things that many of us just think but are afraid to utter to anyone, even our forum buddies.

The trade off of 5 years of numbing mood stabilizers VS mania....what a terrible choice to have to make. I don't know what to say other than, I feel such sorrow for what you endure and I simply wanted you to know I'm thinking of you. I wish I could make it all better.

Diandra

P.S. I am envious of the fact you are employed. I have not been able to work for years.
You must be good at your job if people are thanking your employer.

I'm sorry you're struggling David :hug::hug::hug:

There are so many ways that bipolar disorder and meds alter our lives, and there is so much in life to test us.

I miss who I was before I became more stable, and even though I am more "even" now, it will always be a struggle, and I will always still be "off". I understand the reality and dynamics of my situation, but I've never been able to apply that knowledge because I'm mentally ill.

Like you, I'm isolated with the exception of my significant other.


I'm so glad that you took the opportunity to vent, David. You have a lot on your mind, and that's what we're here for :hug::hug::hug:

So glad to hear from you David and to really hear how you're feeling!

Please remember what a blessing you are in so many peoples lives including my own . And remember that it's OK to have those thoughts as long as you don't act on them .

I find myself so depressed about the condition of our world that it's hard for me to say anything positive

Shall we dance ?

Hi David,
Have been thinking of you. How are things going?
Diandra

Jess Glynne - Take Me Home [Official Video] - YouTube


I put this song up......because people hear and see pain....but how far would we go to help......

Thanks for asking bout me Diandra

90% of the time I plod on...10% of the time implode on my own

My biggest gripe last few months , maybe a year...is this bloody invisibility I suddenly have

LITERRARLY KILLING ME

I'm talking to people and then others take over the conversation I then slip in to the side

I'm OK on my own...lots of practice
But its more visible now...it hurts



Caring costs nothing....





I'm visiting a friend this weekend...I went to school with 35 years ago......something I'm looking forward to........I carry on

oh david, hope you are taking care of yourself.
How is your family?
((((HUGS))))
bizi

David, do you think that you may have become more invisible over time because you have slowly been withdrawing, and others have been picking up on those cues and responding to that?

I can't imagine how this sense of invisibility must feel…

Thanks for venting
 

Dmack (David). I too am having problems with this modern life. I just went through an election that makes me fearful for the whole world, with the immediate question, which country will let me live there in peace? While discussing what would happen next in a hate and war torn world my Pop decided to move out and live in an assisted living center. Meanwhile, back at my health, I am in miserable pain and depression, and wonder how long I will live in my condition. Pop leaving feels like both an abandonment and more work to have to drive to see him after returning from my demanding job. And through all this I am trying to concentrate on studying to pass the test for my professional licensure. I woke up at 5am after a nightmare where I had to do all the work while family refused to help but instead made more work for me because I had to redo their shambles of helping me. My husband was dazed and nonresponsive and I was sure something was seriously wrong, but still I snapped ar him that he either needed to help or get some sleep, but I could not have him around if he was going to just stare confused at me. I am on one of my rare vacations but I can't concentrate on my studies and have a very hard time to hide my tears all day from Pop.

You see David, because you vented you got one from me. I both thank you and apologize for that.

Because of my many diagnoses I can't take antidepressants, so I am supposed to do talk therapy. I wonder when I would have time to sleep if I had to add that to my grueling schedule.

I have some very painful nodules in my lungs. Most probably they are caused by rheumatoid arthritis. It hurts to take every breath. I would love to be able to retire but it would mean losing my health insurance. In any sane world I would be able to do that. But I need a CT scan repeated in 3 months to rule out something more dire. So I have something more dire hanging like a black cloud.

Thank you for your honesty and sharing
May your lungs be healed
Hoping a miracle come to you
Take care
Love
Me

Dear tied,

I hope venting helped a little.

I'm so sorry to hear about your health problems. I'm sorry that you are suffering… The worrying alone is enough :hug::hug::hug:

I'm sure the extra travel and visiting time is a burden now that Pop moved out. It must be especially difficult for you because of your health problems, and because you are studying for a license right now :hug:

I can understand how Pop's leaving could leave you feeling abandoned. It's unfortunate that he decided to move because it sounds like you could really benefit from someone loving and supportive who's in your corner right there when you need them, since it sounds like you feel like you're not getting enough support at home right now :hug::hug::hug:

You are clearly under a lot of stress. You said you can't take antidepressants because of your medical conditions, but could you take a low dose of a benzo such as Klonopin or Xanax for your anxiety? Are low doses of medications to help you sleep out of the question? Instead of sleeping pills, some MDs prescribe other meds off label (like trazadone) that are milder and can help with that. Asking couldn't hurt… unless you've already asked.

It's really hard to make time for therapy sometimes (honestly I just hate it). You could really use that support now, but ironically it seems to be the worst time since you are going through an adjustment period with your father having just moved, you are still studying to get that license, and are already crunched for time. I hope that when things settle down a bit, you are able to go, even if it's once a month that's something. In the meantime, I hope at the very least you have a good friend or family member you can vent to from time to time, even if you don't feel comfortable laying it ALL on them.

None of us can escape the what's going on in the US and abroad right now, and it's having a profound effect on millions of people. I can't tell you to put your head in the sand, but please try to avoid the news when you are already feeling vulnerable, especially on TV. The most important thing right now is that you take care of yourself….

We're here for you anytime you want to vent :hug::hug::hug:

Kay

My dear fiend Tied:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

I am so glad you vented, :hug: life is and can be a gruelling journey. Then there are times mere glimmers of hope that tell us, hang on it will get better, that is what keeps us alive.

Your current situation would drive even the most resilient person to despair, yet you my dear fiend have the gift and unknown knowledge to share your turmoil with this cyber world. By doing so you let people on the edge gain strength by your battle.

I pray your health will get better, your mood lift, and your inner resolve remain steadfast.

Your father chose a life and lifestyle to meet his current needs, you now must do likewise.

Take care stay strong, and know your determination aids my own journey

David:hug:

Another vent into the cyber world that gives me comfort and strength in not killings myself or others ( this today is a metaphorical statement trust me)

I have realised today as I age constantly, that those on the path of a career are literally happy these days to trample over anyone and everyone to tick a box, rise the greasy pole of promotion, or basically be seen by the powers that be as a go- getter

Yet they to me are soul less people who claim to care but exhibit the empathy of a bloody acorn.

The rule I live by in life... treat everyone with respect... the modern world of work seems to be ..... shaft everyone!!!!:confused::confused:


Karma is my best friend..... I'm patiently waiting :)

David
Vent over

nice little vent!
you could vent some more....
((((HUGS))))
bizi