just venting ...if thats ok
 

Living a modern life is much harder than I thought.

Some days I cruise through thinking I have mastered it, and other days I am the hypersensitive male my cyber friend once described.

Life at present is a deffinate struggle...I try to remain positive and. Then ....a word, a look, a gesture, a sentence, a/statement, a ....momentary pause of no interaction what so ever.

Believe me I try every bloody day to say this chaos in my head will get better.....I tell others daily that life is an opportunity take it . Why do I stumble with my own advice

Recently my thoughts are utter ****.......my mum is dying of dementia....I wish it would end

I dream of breaking limbs..so I can take time off to re assemble my thoughts and deal with current life

I day dream of divorce to rid myself of responsibility to others, yet dream nightmares of separation and cry hysterically in my sleep...recently experiencing sleep paralysis three times in six weeks...( which is a living nightmare)

I love my children without hesitation..but cannot express my feelings, instead display complete seperation

Five years of mood stabalising medication...destroyed me..I'm a shell of my former manic self

I am numb of happiness and void of excitement....I don't want to end my life, but I more than often wish I did not wake, or lightining did strike...

I have no friends. (Bar my dear wife). I am alone evey day.....feeling sorry for myself (people might say, pull yourself together.......) every bloody day


I daily put up with people talking over me, round me, through me....its like I'm not there

The only plus is the public send thanks to my employer for my interaction with them.....but to them iI,my still invisible, and their ambivilance makes me more withdrawn and silent.

I have endured more change in seven years to last a lifetime..

.I morph endlessly ......to mould into other peoples expectations....for what?.........


I just wanted to get this out...and vent my thoughts....


.tomorrow I try again..............
David

I am sorry that you suffer so.
Mental Illness is a b****
I have lost cognitive ability and memory from years of anti psychotic usage.
I sympathize with you.
We need you.
thank you for sharing.
I am sorry it is so hard.....
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

David,
I think it takes a great deal of courage to open up and vent as you did here. I think you said many things that many of us just think but are afraid to utter to anyone, even our forum buddies.

The trade off of 5 years of numbing mood stabilizers VS mania....what a terrible choice to have to make. I don't know what to say other than, I feel such sorrow for what you endure and I simply wanted you to know I'm thinking of you. I wish I could make it all better.

Diandra

P.S. I am envious of the fact you are employed. I have not been able to work for years.
You must be good at your job if people are thanking your employer.

I'm sorry you're struggling David :hug::hug::hug:

There are so many ways that bipolar disorder and meds alter our lives, and there is so much in life to test us.

I miss who I was before I became more stable, and even though I am more "even" now, it will always be a struggle, and I will always still be "off". I understand the reality and dynamics of my situation, but I've never been able to apply that knowledge because I'm mentally ill.

Like you, I'm isolated with the exception of my significant other.


I'm so glad that you took the opportunity to vent, David. You have a lot on your mind, and that's what we're here for :hug::hug::hug:

So glad to hear from you David and to really hear how you're feeling!

Please remember what a blessing you are in so many peoples lives including my own . And remember that it's OK to have those thoughts as long as you don't act on them .

I find myself so depressed about the condition of our world that it's hard for me to say anything positive

Shall we dance ?

Hi David,
Have been thinking of you. How are things going?
Diandra

Jess Glynne - Take Me Home [Official Video] - YouTube


I put this song up......because people hear and see pain....but how far would we go to help......

Thanks for asking bout me Diandra

90% of the time I plod on...10% of the time implode on my own

My biggest gripe last few months , maybe a year...is this bloody invisibility I suddenly have

LITERRARLY KILLING ME

I'm talking to people and then others take over the conversation I then slip in to the side

I'm OK on my own...lots of practice
But its more visible now...it hurts



Caring costs nothing....





I'm visiting a friend this weekend...I went to school with 35 years ago......something I'm looking forward to........I carry on

oh david, hope you are taking care of yourself.
How is your family?
((((HUGS))))
bizi

David, do you think that you may have become more invisible over time because you have slowly been withdrawing, and others have been picking up on those cues and responding to that?

I can't imagine how this sense of invisibility must feel…