constant suicidal ideation
 

Hello everyone, I would like to ask for some advice on the biggest difficulty I have been battling with since my TBI 7 years ago- suicidal thoughts and feelings. In the time immediately following the car accident I had, I remember thinking constantly that i should have just died then. I'm sure this was due in no small part to the incredible pain I was experiencing, but the feeling did not go away with the pain. The wording in my head has shifted since then- now its more like some part of my brain saying "kill yourself" more often than "I should have died"- but the thoughts remain a near constant part of my life now nonetheless.
These days, it does not matter if I am in a more "depressive period" or if I am feeling otherwise ok, I deal daily (often multiple times a day) with suicidal thoughts. This seriously wears me out, to argue with myself internally over it all the time, and has inhibited my ability to do the things that do make me feel goo because my brain is just too tired. The more tired I am, the harder it is to find the parts of me that don't want to die. After so many years of daily feeling like my brain is screaming out to be killed, it can be very very difficult to convince myself that I actually don't want to kill myself.
So my question is, have any of you felt similarly? Do you have any advice on how to cope with this? Here are a few things I've tried:
-therapy: I've seen a number of therapists trying to find one that works well for me. Most seem to only want to focus on my 'depression'(I believe this to be a resulting symptom of my head injury rather than purely its own condition) and know very little about head injury. I've had some bad experiences in the recent attempts to find someone that have made me very hesitant to try looking again...
-medications (antidepressants mostly): again as most people were just seeming the depressions, I have tried a number of antidepressants (mostly SSRIs and also bupropion) but all have had, at best, unsatisfying results. I'm pretty hesitant about trying new meds too because of all the experiences I've had. Supplements are ok though, I'm trying 5-HTP right now..
-meditation: meditating twice a day at the beginning and end of the day seemed to help the most out of anything so far, but I've kinda fallen off the uh meditation wagon during my most recent depressive phase and am having a hard time finding the time/energy to pick it back up. I know meditation doesn't take much energy...its just getting myself to do it... I don't know, I guess I don't really have an excuse its just hard to get myself to do all the things I know would be good for me when I'm feeling so down...

So yeah, that's all i've got for now. anyone have any idea how to manage this? preferably not medication advice... :grouphug:

Similar situation...car accident about 7 years ago. First 3 years it was “I’m lucky to be alive” despite by struggles. Last 4 years have been, “why didn’t I die in the car accident.”

What keeps me going is I believe there is non 0% chance I can get better. I refused to believe the Dr that said it was depression. What does it mean when anti-depressants make the symptoms worse? Clearly not the right path to go down for myself.

Finally after 6 years I have a diagnosis of growth hormone deficiency. There are therapies to try that can help people many years past trauma. Don’t believe the BS about how people can’t get better 1 year after trauma.

I still struggled with those suicidal thoughts frequently. There’s no magic answer other than never give up. Hormone therapy, anti-inflammatory diet/supplements, HBOT, TMS, nuerofeedback...it can be confusing figuring out what to try next and expensive, but we have to try.