My beautiful people....
 

Dear Neuro Talk -BiPolar forum friends....

I dont even remember why I stopped coming here... I think I realized I was never going to feel better or change my view of the world and I thought it was boring for you to keep reading my vents, complaints and rants.... Oh my Im so negative ! :p Sorry....

I dont even know how to write this... it is like I need to tell you so much stuff and at the same time I dont want this to be an ultra long post and... yeah.... My mother died unexpectedly January of 2018... if I have always considered my life to be horrible, not it is pure hell.... :( I dont even know how I survived last year without her.... and, I feel sorry for bringing my grief and negative view of life to this forum... I just... missed you.

I found visitor messages I didnt read years ago and... I feel very emotional.... I saw a therapist for 1 year.... took meds.... I guess that's the only reason I didnt do something stupid you know ? but it stoped working... I mean, there was nothing left she could do for me....

I miss my mom
I feel so lonely
I hate life
I lost all faith I had left
Im always angry and depressed
and yeah.... I no longer know how to function or why should I try to even function you know...

I look forward to read you again...

Thank you

Majo

Dear Blue,
I am sorry you lost your mom....I can't imagine losing mine.
The first year you are in shock, the second year is worse.
Am sorry to hear that meds are not working for you.
If you want to share what meds you have tried.....
Do you still have a diagnosis of bipolar?
bizi

Hi, Majo,

So sorry to hear about your missing your mom.

If you are up to it, can you share with us a good memory you have
of her?


I'm glad you posted. I've thought about you and wondered what you
were up to.


M

Hi Majo

I to have missed you. I also lost my mom this last year.

I hope you will come back and tell us some of your happy
memories of her. We are always here for you.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

I'm glad that you came back to us! :hug::hug::hug:

We are here to support one another through the good times and the bad, and for some of us, there are few happy times, and we vent more because we are struggling, and that is okay. That is why this forum is here (((((HUGS)))))

I am so sorry that you lost your mom. It sounds like it was, and still is, extremely hard for you. I'm so sorry that her death was so sudden. That makes it even harder :hug::hug::hug:

I wish that you were doing better, and that meds and therapy were helping you more. I hope that you haven't stopped trying- at least with the meds :hug::hug::hug:

Share what you need to. We are here, and listening.

I am so glad you came back. so sorry about your mother
bobby

Holy moly.... I dont even remember how to reply to each one of you in the same post.... so, a big message for everything will have to do :)

Dear Bizi... I wish you mom could be eternal so you dont have to experience this pain never in your life.... losing a mom is like all the sum of all the pain you have felt in your life multiplied by 1,000,0000,0000,0000 + times.... it is pure hell. I feel a hole where my heart is supposed to be... like, for real, not literally.... horrendous. :( You are right.... the second year is feeling like worse....

Mari !!!!!!! :) I always kept you in my thoughts :hug: oh.... uff, my mom was my.... best friend, my favorite company.... my motivation.... I could write a book of all the happy moments we had.... but tonight I wanna share my mom was very special.... she never did anything to anyone, always helped.... she was so strong.... survived so many difficult times.... always with a smile... she had a great faith in God (in who I no longer believe btw) and she was so humble, funny, protective, natural.... damn how much I need her :(

(((Donna))) I feel guilty.... I feel like I didnt give her all that she deserved... maybe it was my fault that she died because I didnt take her to the doctor more often ? I wish I could change everything.... If I could do everything in a different way....

Kay !! :hug: I dont doubt that meds did their thing at some point but.... not enough, not anymore.... same with therapy.... it was talk talk and talk and, sometimes I use the advices my therapist gave me but, this damn pain doesnt go away and it bothers me even physically ?
Terrible.

Bobby.... :hug: I have missed you.

I have missed you all....

Where is waves ? Wheres is BrokenFriend ?

:grouphug:

Im more a chronic depressive than bipolar.... but my friends have always been in this forum :hug: :)

Hi Blue. I think about you, and it's nice to hear from you. Sorry for the hardships, and loses that you are going through. Don't give up on your faith.

I lost my Dad, Mom, and my sister. I lost my best friend. In June I'm losing my apartment. I'm being evicted because my Bil has sold the house that I live in.

If everything is taken away from me, I'll still have my faith.

There is a place on Youtube that you can go to. It's called "The global prayer room" on Youtube. It's streaming live 24 hours a day. BF:hug::hug::hug:

Thank you for getting back to us blue.
((((((HUGS)))))
bizi
I am sorry it hurts so much for you.

Hi, Majo,

I'm so very sorry that you are grieving.
I hope that you have people in real life you can talk to.

I appreciate your beautiful thoughts of how special your Mom was.
It seems that you two were close.


For some, part of the grieving process might involve feeling that you
did not do enough for her but you know that she loved you.
Please try not to be hard on yourself. (Grief can do weird things
to our brains.)


Waves left our board about about two years ago.
The last I heard she moved to London, England

M

I know it is extremely difficult to lose a mother. I lost mine 22 years ago when I was 17. It did get easier for me over time, but it is still hard at times. I think of her often, and I'm comforted by the feeling that she's with me always.

Dear Blue. I know how grief also makes you physically ill. It's like our souls' pant, and heaviness is continual. The guilt is false guilt, and try to dismiss it.
I know how bad it can hurt, and sometimes you can't tell if it is emotional, or physical. Some times I believe its both. Sometimes we find ourselves taking sudden gasps of air and things like that. I'm glad that you came back to us, but I'm sorry that you are hurting so much. BF:hug::hug::hug:

Thank you for your kind words Blue.

My mother had been in bad health for a few years. She was not
doing very well and was in an nursing home. But it was still
very fast and not expected. 3 of my sisters lived right there in
town were she lived, and I lived in a town about 1 1/2 hours
away. I visited as much as I could and took my youngest son
who was the closest to her. My other son's went as much as
they could. But we did as much as we could. One of my sisters
is having a really hard time with her passing, much more than I am
I think. But hopefully she will get through it too.

I also miss Waves, if anyone talks to her tell her I said Hi please.

Donna :grouphug::hug:

I talked to waves a couple of years ago by email. Since then my computer crashed, and I lost all the computer memory. I should have written her email down. BF:hug::hug::hug:

BrokenFriend: My friend !!! :hug: :hug: I have missed your always wisdom and beautiful words.... :hug: You made me cry (in the "good" way) I used to say that "all I have left is my faith".... It is more difficult now.... I want to believe... it is just that this depression plus grief are.... making my heart act more like a stone :(

so sorry for your problems !!! I so wish I could help somehow... :/

I missed you so much guys !!!
:hug: :grouphug:

Oh... sad that waves left. She was so wise !

You are right Mary.... Grief does very weird things to our brains.... It has changed me very deeply... in a bad way so far unfortunately.... :/ I lost my faith, I feel guilty, I have lost interest in everything, in life.... Im paranoid... I cry all the time.... Im not myself anymore.... I dont enjoy music the way I used to.... I dont want to have children anymore because they wont have a grandma....

Oh, and I have become VERY envious of anyone that still has mom.... my cousins for example...

I dont understand life.... and that hurts me deeply... why me ? why my mom ? why now ? all that....

Aw my Kay.... Isnt it the worst pain ever ? Can I ask, what happened to your mom and, when did you started to feel "normal" again ? Im still like, a zombie in a bad mood all the time... or crying... yeah, Im not who I used to be.... All I want is to see my mom again.... Im mad with God, life, the universe... everything, everyone.... :(

You know what tears my heart apart every time I think about it ? I have missed my grandma my whole life.... she passed away when I was 3... Im 36 years old now and all my life I have complained for not having my grandma.... she cooked delicious, she painted, she liked to make clothes for everybody.... and I couldnt enjoy her.... and now my mother.... If I ever have a boyfriend, she wont meet him.... If I ever get married she wont be there.... if I ever get kids, well, she wont be there.... you know, that's very hard.... I simply cant deal with this :(

My Mom and I are not close. There is nothing wrong exactly except that
we do not connect.

When we do talk, we talk about books she has read or that I recommend for her
or about her work with her County Master Gardeners where she
talks with other gardeners.
Lately she teaches composting and other aspects of gardening.


You are blessed to have memories of closeness with your Mom.

M

Blue (((Hugs))) (((Hugs))) (Hugs))):hug::hug::hug: You have been through so much. :hug::hug::hug:

Thank you Mari....

Your relation with your mom sounds like mine with my dad....

Im tired of life.

You must carry on. I know life is a struggle for you right now. You have more strength in you then you could possibly know. (((Gentle Hugs))) Hug Hug Hug:hug::hug::hug:

Blue
You have to realize you can talk to her daily. And she can see you
daily. She can meet your friends, and boyfriends. She will let
you know somehow if she likes them or not. I'm pretty sure my
mom lets me know every once in a while that she likes what I'm
doing or not. I think its kind of why I've been getting more
cases lately. She is letting me know that I'm doing a good job.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

My mum passed away from lung cancer that metastasized to her brain. I took care of her (and my little brother) before and after school, and on weekends. Before that, we were close, but not close. She was a wonderful woman, but not a good mother. We grew very close while I was taking care of her though.

I was able to ask her difficult questions, and to get closure before she passed away, which I'm sure made things easier on me than you... but when she was gone, the hospital bed was no longer in the living room, and I actually had free time, I was in shock.

My mother was a teacher at my high school, so during my senior year (she passed away the summer before), there were reminders of her everywhere, and the other teachers may have thought they were being helpful by talking about her to me all the time, but they weren't. I'm BPI, but I was deeply depressed most of the time, and started drinking a lot, which obviously numbs things, and that became a problem for me, especially as I accumulated more unrelated problems.

I never stopped thinking of her, but he thoughts became less frequent, and they slowly and silently changed. Over time, I started to think more about happy things/memories and could smile and laugh more about them. I think that's the stage of grief known as acceptance. I would say that it took me a couple of years to get to that point.

I can totally understand how you may feel about your mother not being with you when you reach those major milestones in life like getting married and having children, since I was so young when my mother passed away. She did not get to see me graduate from high school...
I know it can be a scary proposition to think about the future, and going forward with things like, that without your mother's presence and support, but it sounds like she was a great lady, and I'm sure she would want those things for you. You are still young (you're 2 yrs younger than me) :hug::hug::hug:

I can feel your pain when I read your posts. I wish I could take that pain away from you. I know that you will start healing, tho it may be slow. Please try to be open to it, however hard that is (((((HUGS)))))

Kay you write so well and from the heart.
bless you for that.
(((((HUGS)))))
to you both.
bizi

Blue Are you okay? I haven't heard from you in a couple of days. I'm so sorry for your grief, and pain. You have depression on top of all of that. I'm so sorry. BF:hug::hug::hug:

She posted yesterday at 2pm on bobbys thread.
She will post when she is up to it, I am sure.
You are a good man friend!
(((((HUGS))))))
bizi

Thank you bizi. BF:hug::hug::hug:

Blue,


Thinking of you and wishing you well.





M

I hope that my post didn't upset you, Blue. I'm so sorry if it did :hug::hug::hug:

Thinking of you, and hoping to hear from you soon (((HUGS)))

Blue I hope that I didn't upset you when I was talking about that you need to carry on.

I was trying to strengthen you, but my timing may have been wrong. Your pain may be too difficult right now, and I understand that.

I hope that you are feeling better today. BF:hug::hug::hug:

We are all trying to support blue, please don't take it personally that she has not posted back to us.
She will post when she wants to and it has nothing to do with us.
hugs for the group.:grouphug:
bizi

Blue If you want to talk, we are here for you. BF:hug::hug::hug:

My dearest friends:

So sorry for the delay.... I have had really rough days.... my depression is affecting me physically now and all my bones and muscles ache :eek: Horrendous. Also, I work in front of a computer all day and when Im done, all I want to do is close my computer and my eyes...

You could never offend me, ALL THE CONTRARY ! I admire and appreciate the beautiful and wise things you tell me and THEY WAY you write it.... are you poets in disguise my friends !? :):winky::hug: For real....

DONNA: That's one of the most beautiful things someone has told me since my mom passed away.... I need a printer so I can print this and read it every day.... Thank you. I mean, THANK YOU. Seriously.... I think the way you said made my brain finally "feel" it you know.... :) I cant describe all the good you did to me with that post :)

KAY: Thank you so so SO effing much for sharing your story and WISDOM with me (us). Your story gave me peace, hope and... I admire you A LOT. Seriously... Thank you :) :hug:

BROKEN FRIEND: How could I be offenden/ upset with you ? Impossible. You always cheer me up and if Im still carrying on is greatly in part because of you. Through ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL this years.... :) :hug: Thanks for the hope my friend.

BIZI: Thank you for always checking on me (and all of us), your simply presence and existence make me feel calmer and hopeful... I always feel better after coming here and reading you.

MARI: Oh my Mari.... Thank you for always having that precise, deep, wise comment, and for always taking the time to cheer me up :) You always make me feel happier and better.

My friends, words cant express how much I appreciate you being in my life.

:hug:

I love you.

Thank you so much for checking in, Blue!!! :hug::hug::hug:

I can understand not wanting to look at a computer after having to be glued to one all day (((HUGS)))

I'm so sorry that you are in physical pain :hug:
It's amazing that you can recognize the mind-body connection. A lot of people can't and/or refuse to do that...
Just be mindful that there may be times that something medical may be going on as well :hug::hug::hug:

You are so sweet to acknowledge everyone individually. It is so hard to do that, and express yourself as well. You do a beautiful job at it (((HUGS)))

I hope that you have better days soon :hug::hug::hug:

Love,
Kay

Thank you blue, we love you too.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Majo,


 I'm on My Fitness Pal.

It's a calorie tracking site with other features.

The site encourages you to log your food and calories and lets you
share certain information with “friends.”

Depending on your settings, you can share with "friends" the following:

>>when you lost weight and how much (It never shows when you gain weight.) And it never shows your actual total weight.

>>that you exercised and the site’s rough estimate of how many calories you burned in the exercise.

>>what you ate that day and how many calories you consumed
.

>>a blogging option that you can keep private or keep open to share with friends.


>>an easy way to post messages to all friends or individual friends.


======


If you want to create an account there, my name is "RodaRose.

"
If you do not know how to "add friends" I can add you when you
 tell me your username.

I weigh everyday and track my weight.



I'm not counting calories at the moment
 because hubby does ALL of the food shopping and ALL of the cooking.


If this was too much information, I apologize.:hug::hug::hug:

M

Blue

We are all here for you. I'm glad my words gave you some support.
My mom stays with me a lot. I think my mom has been working through
my son Dan lately its odd last year was his turning point. It was he was
either going to go completely down hill or turn that corner and come
back even better than he has been in a long time. I've seen a big change
in him. So I can say for sure he is getting the strength of my mom right
now. i'm so glad I can see it, and recognize that he wants to do things
better now. For his little girl and his girlfriend. He has an long road ahead
of him. But I can see he can do it again.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

Thank you, Blue. Thank you for the sweet reply. That was very kind, and loving of you.

I hope that your weekend goes well. Try to get some rest. BF:hug::hug::hug: