Chronic pain has left me with no will to live...
 

I am not suicidal. But I know that, given the choice, if I could leave peacefully I would accept a choice to no longer live. I have been in chronic pain for 11 years. It came on very suddenly and ended my life as the person I strove to be. I lost my Mobility MyHealth my family. I have neuropathy that is small fiber and not treatable except by pain medications. Which I despise beyond all belief. But if I did not have them I would actively take my life my pain is so bad. Even with them I am bedridden unable to care for myself or my children or to go play with my animals. I am tired of crying in bed 4 to 5 days a week from the pain. During this time of year I am in a level 8 to 10 4 to 5 days a week. I cannot do anything besides watch TV. I do not have a life. I cannot go out. I cannot have an active life with my children. Having been a stay-at-home mom now I see them but a couple of days a month. I don't want to be this way. I attended this forum consistently when I was first diagnosed. But since then life has just gotten worse and I feel tremendously guilty even bringing it up. I do not want to call suicide prevention is that is not my issue. I have one friend who is also disabled and she provides me with a meal each night. But I cannot rely on her as much as I need help. I am verbally abused by my ex-husband on a regular basis in front of my children. He has alienated my two oldest children from me. My two youngest have very deep-seated issues aligning from my illness and their and my relationship with their father. My youngest is terrified of pain and getting the condition that I have. Ganglioneuritis or ganglionitis. Fibromyalgia. Severe autonomic issues and a plethora of other health issues. My middle daughter has become an emotional brick/wall from all of the upheaval in her life. Both girls have a very strenuous. And imo dysfunctional relationship with their father but do not acknowledge very much of it. My youngest cannot well actually my middle girl as well cannot handle their emotions. Also my youngest is very much a caretaker. She has not really ever known life without me being disabled. She is also very high energy and maintenance. Where is my middle daughter is extremely in dependent and closed off. That said I feel we have is close of a relationship as we can given the circumstances. I try to fight or their rights with the father but he will not acknowledge me and I have no legal rights. I am trying to go to court to change this we'll see what happens. Back to why I'm primarily here. I live minimally. I sleep when I'm not in pain I eat 2 meals a day. I go to the bathroom and go out with my dog for her to go to the bathroom. That is it. I have no life. And don't know how I can endure the rest of my life however long or short it may be. I am a total failure in every respect of life. Some may say I am feeling sorry for myself. And I do think I do that but I have nobody else to feel sorry for me. Nobody to tell me it's okay to feel this way. Nobody to tell me fix it. Nobody to be there for me. Comfort me. Care for me. I already put too much on my girls it can't face doing more. My pain has increased as it always does this time of year but it is extremely high this year. It has placed me in this mood. I know antidepressants will not work. I have tried them throughout my life and all they do is lower the thresholds at either end of the emotional spectrum. But do not help the issue. I would enjoy psychotherapy but I cannot afford it and I cannot also Drive. I'm sorry to put this out there it is another failure to me. But I just don't know what to do. I am not scared of death. I am scared of dying. But as I said I dream of it many days a week.

Wow. 5 min has passed and I feel less oppressed. Slightly less heavy and mournful. Just getting it out has helped. Thank you

I am so, so sorry. I feel as though I have made a tremendous mistake. No one has responded and I think perhaps I have done something wrong. Have I overstepped the rules?

adelina -- :hug: No, I'm certain you haven't made a mistake of any sort. I'm glad you found this site - a place you can "talk". I'm also certain more people will be here to respond.
It sounds like you are in such a situation that I don't know HOW to respond. I wish I spoke better -- I wish you felt better.
Please, please, do keep talking, talking all you want. We are listening.

Wren I love and try to live by your quote at the bottom. Thank you for responding. I cannot believe how much better I felt from just getting it out. Not lively, but less oppressed. I will keep at it and maybe I will get to a place where I am able to actively engage in life again. That is my hope.

Okay I have to get this off my chest so I'm going to talk to you. I'm a bad mom. I called Monday night to confirm with my oldest daughter sorry my middle daughter that she was coming to visit for 2 days. She said that she wanted to just do one day . She's 16 and because I'm disabled we are not able to do anything but watch TV and talk alot when they come to visit. It is terrible it makes me miserable. But I know they love me and so they make the visits. I only get to see my middle daughter though about once a month because she has a wonderfully active schedule. Which I fully support. But I snapped at her when she wanted just a one day visit. I was hurt by that. that I am so low on her priority list which is so completely normal for a 16 year old and what they're supposed to be doing. But at the same time I struggle with missing their lives. I cannot go see their events. They're both very busy and wonderfully attending many after school activities. And teenagers are supposed to grow away from you. But it hurts so much to not be regular mom. I knew snapping at her was wrong. So we left the phone call saying we would meet to have her come over. But this morning I called and very nicely explained I was in too much pain to have her visit right now and told her I loved her and to have a good Easter weekend. And I know that I left her feeling guilty last night but this morning I did the right thing and she felt okay. But I feel miserable with this instability with my emotions has gone far enough. I've decided I'm going to try and do antidepressants so that my lows aren't so low. The problem is antidepressants repress all feelings including joy and love and happiness. And I need those positive feelings so badly right now. My pain has been so bad this year so much worse than it is ever been. I need something good. I need need need my children. But they have zero need for me. At least my middle. My youngest calls when she's out doing a chore and all alone. At least she calls me some. I truly do not have anyone. And I have wanted so badly to make new friends so I can find support but I do not leave my house. I have tried various online Outlets but every site I have tried doesn't seem to have very many people on it. Even this site has substantially changed from what it was when I tried it years ago. I really need therapy so I have someone to talk to but even that wouldn't be the support and care that I need. I am almost 50 this is ridiculous I should be a grown up good not need people. The problem is I went through my whole life independent. Growing up with a mother who is cold and remote and emotionally manipulative left me independent at a very young age. So I've never ever had close friends. When I got sick I really distance myself from society and lost my social friends. Then with my divorce my ex-husband told the rest people that I talked to that I was a drug addict and an alcoholic. Completely untrue but now I feel like a pariah when I go anywhere in the town we lived together in. I no longer live there. But I'm in a a place where I cannot get out to make friends. To find people that would support and listen to me. Well I hope this helps my day I hope it makes me feel better. And I hope that someone could understand what I'm going through

Something I meant to mention before but didn't. The truth is I'm not in too much physical pain today to see my daughter. I lied to her because I'm in too much emotional pain today and I didn't want to mess up and have her bear the brunt of my emotionality.

Hi Adelina: I sometimes listen to books on audible....or audio....many can be rented from the library....it helps on those lonely days when I am in my head too much. I get into the books/stories and often get lost for a good long time. I don't leave my house often, either, so I know a lot about what you are going through. It worries me for you and for your kids when you say you "need need need" them.....because they are so young and still developing, and for children, that may be very hard.
Human being contact is so important to all of us. My husband is with me still, and we do ok together, but having issues like we do can be a struggle. One thing I've recently learned some about is the connection between pain and the brain (emotional/cognitive connection). I mention this, because just learning this helped me make more sense of all of my emotions that can sometimes get rather raw. I have been able to redirect my focus and my thinking (when done intentionally) which is helping me. I am more positive and less hard on myself for my reality. I have been through a lot of stages with my issues, and as it has progressed and gotten worse, I have had to work hard to accept my circumstances without getting hopeless....and negative. I really do enjoy all of the books and as much as I can, I do get outside and even further when able.
Perhaps you could seek resources to enable you home health care...I know there are, at least in some places, resources for the elderly and shut in.....some light house work and company for them, at no charge to them. Maybe this would get you some human contact?
I wish I had more, but I can't think of anything further at this time.
I will say that I come on to the group here as I can. I post pretty much every time, so you can see that my visits are like once a week or so.....I suspect others are visiting with more or less the same frequency.
Oh, I thought of one other thing. Back when I was 26 (I am 52 now), I was single and bored a lot and would go online in the evenings and play card games with others. I enjoyed that at the time and it cut the loneliness some, too.

Thank you CRPS. You are very helpful and I really appreciate you listening and offering advice. I like your idea about audiobooks. I do that with watching movies. I'm not sure I would be able to get out of my mind enough without visual stimulation from the TV. But I've never tried audiobooks and am interested. I also like your thoughts on the cognitive emotional relationship. I will definitely look into that because it sounds like something that might be very applicative to me. Thanks for the suggestion. It sounds like you've gone through a lot of this and you do give me something to look forward to in possibly be inspired by . I am actually pretty aware of how negative and how emotionally demanding I can be and the consequences that it has on the very few people I have interaction with. I am certain that this contributed largely to my divorce. I became emotionally overwhelmed and confused with my disability. And it contributed to my relationship downfall. I am a very in my head person. Which is why I'm driving myself crazy hahaha. It's just that I look at facts. The facts of my life are very very very dismal. I truly have 99% of my life is either neutral or negative. With neutral being the larger percentage. Because my interaction with my children is so little I I don't have anything else to be positive about. Actually I take that back I do have my pets in when I'm not feeling terrible I do appreciate them. And I do have my friend and her husband that do help me quite significantly. And when I'm not in terrible pain I am so grateful for those things. Very grateful. When I'm not in terrible pain I find the smallest things to be grateful for. I try to be positive. The problem is is this time right now when my pain is so so severe. I have no energy and am exhausted and serious pain. When I'm in this condition I cannot be positive. One thing that is something I'm interested is it I did find that there is possibly a new treatment for my condition. It's actually something I've looked into before but wasn't confident worth trying. It's one of those electrical stimulators. I found a couple of articles that actually said it might work for my specific condition. The problem is the pain is so great that I cannot function most days. I would have to look and to finding some resource for it a place to do it. And I'm in so much pain I can't even think. Today I'm doing okay my paint has been around a level 6 I could have done it today but I let my depression control me I've let it make me hopeless. But just talking right now about it makes me feel better so maybe I will find Hope and make the calls I need to about the implant. And thank you for that you have given me an outlet by listening to me and I really appreciate it.
And you are so so so right when it comes to the fact that I need my children or feel that I need need need them. It is wrong to put that sort of pressure and dysfunction on my children and I am very well aware of it and feel horrible about it. It's just that they are only the only people that I interact with. So it accidentally comes out sometimes. Most of the time it doesn't. And when it's worse is when I am in severe pain and feeling so so low hopeless and lonely. I do not qualify for home health aide in my area. Unfortunately I am on the cusp of poverty and survival in my income bracket in my area. I'm not doing very well financially but not low enough to qualify for help. And I have also tried various games online that have social interactions. But the problem I have found out with that is that I have so much Shame about my dysfunction did I can't reach out anymore I don't want to put that kind of burden on people I feel terribly guilty about it. I guess that's why I finally reached out on this site because it has helped me in the past where is nothing else has. That's why I wish I could find a mentor a therapist that acts as an Advocate as well. I honestly need a mother. I have tried the mother myself and at a few instances I've been able to do that. It's just that I want people in my life again. But then I have that quandary about how awful a person I am. It's like I'm of two minds I'm an awful person and I'm a decent person. And I know I can be both but when I think of the awful person I can be I don't want to have people to have to deal with that person I'm so horrible that my own mother hasn't disowned me my ex-husband walked out my two oldest children won't talk to me. Deep inside I know each of these things I'm not entirely my fault. Each of those people has their own dysfunction. My two oldest children are adopted and have serious problems with connecting with people. With the help of my ex-husband they have been alienated from me. And my ex-husband and my mother are both dysfunctional I can see their problems and feel sorry for them. I don't blame any of them for my situation I am completely responsible for myself. And I'm really realizing that I am blabbering on and I'm sorry. It does feel good to let it out but I'm going to go now and thank you very much for listening to this. Hey maybe I should start a podcast hahaha

CRPS!!! OMG OMG OMG. I am absolutely blown away and crying tears of joy for the first time in 11 years. This cognitive emotional connection and the connection between pain in the brain! The I'm absolutely wordless to explain how I feel right now. It is me it describes me to a T. It is so educational and helpful an unbelievably satisfying to be able to put a name to what I'm experienced. I am very much one of those people that likes to have my questions answered and I'm very curious and I felt all alone because I never realized that I have validation for what I'm going through. Now I know I'm not diagnosed or not talk to a professional yet which I intend to go see my doctor. But I really think this describes what I'm going through and I can see it. To see it written down somewhere describing what I feel and I can relate to is unbelievable. It makes me feel so much better to see a logical reason for what I'm going through. That other people have experienced it unfortunately. But to know that it's not just me but I'm not defective and that there's a reason for what I feel and that it's not my fault. This brings me the greatest joy I have felt in so long. CRPS Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you.

Hi everyone. I just wanted to say that I'm having a pleasant day. It is been a long time I've been able to say that when my kids aren't here or out with my friend. It's because of the information offered by CRPS. That has led me on a wonderful search that has educated me about what could possibly be going on in my mind my brain. Also from that I found and researched information about my migraines and found a possible reason why they have gotten so severe. This information has giving me some hope but not even just hope validation. Having that at least for this time has changed my outlook. And it's not that I'm not in pain I am in pain today but it hasn't been as severe as it was a few days ago. I was even able to get some things done that I've been needing to get done four days in weeks. I've also found a wonderful website about a breeding Trio of bald eagles on the Upper Mississippi. There are actually two males and one female that are raising three eaglets. Now to me I have a an associate's degree in biology and head once wanted to become a biology instructor. So this is really fascinating I've always been interested in Birds of Prey and but I have never gotten into bird watching. But this has a live cam and I get to watch the birds behavior and care for the chicks eaglets. It's really interesting to me and gives me something to look forward to. Just like posting on this forum gives me something to look forward to. Previously the only things I had to look forward to with seeing my children and getting my one meal of the day one primary meal of the day. So thank you to everyone who connects with me. And will check in later

So good to hear from you, adelina :hug:

I know what you are going through I used to have a life. Riding dirt bikes, playing sports, driving anywhere I wanted to go, working and Now I can’t do anything other than watching tv and watching my daughter. Because of 8 brain surgeries. I have no friends anymore because no one wants to come visit the guy that is disabled because he can’t drive and has seizures. I’m in constant pain that no doctors can figure out. And my crappy state insurance won’t cover anything that would let the doctors figure out what the cause is. I go to bed every night not knowing if I’m gonna wake up or not. I try every day to make the best out of it that I can. Because not knowing if I’m gonna be here tomorrow to see my 2 year old daughter again is a very scary thing


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Oh Pat you do understand! I feel your situation completely. I'm so sorry. And to have such a young child that has got to be so torturously wonderful and terrifying at the same time. Do you have a partner to help you take care of your child? I understand completely about the friends who don't want to be associated with somebody with a disability. I never have anything to contribute to conversations because I don't do anything and I'm always in pain. It must be a lot the same for you except you have seizures on top of that. That is such a heavy load to carry and I'm so sorry. And I understand about not being able to get help from the insurance companies. Mine has been okay but just okay. State Insurance is terrible. Have you proven that there are ways to improve your situation to them. Maybe if you do that you could petition and get more help? I really don't know how State Insurance Works only that it stinks. I thank you so much for your post please please please keep posting and talk to me. I am definitely the person who can empathize with you.

On another note I just wanted to mention that I started my menstrual cycle early yesterday. And I wondering how much of my depression severity had to do with PMS. I usually don't have any signs of PMS but the older I get I get them every once in awhile.

My pain got severe the day I talked about how pleasant my day was. It got severe in the evening after I done several things. Which were very minimal like watch washing my hair and making phone calls and doing some web searches. All the things that had needed to be done for weeks. The pain got to be about an 8. But I did not fall into the severe depression. Yesterday was a pretty rough day as well pain wise but I did not fall into the severe depression again. I don't know how much to contribute to the possibility of PMS or that that I just have a better attitude because of a possible logical physiological reason for my depression. Just wanted to throw that out there. And thank you to the all the people better connecting with this thread.

Yes I have my wife that helps out with our daughter. She works from home. Which is good because she can keep an eye on me Incase of a seizure. As far as the state insurance I’ve had my dr and myself call and write letters to the insurance company about what needs to be done to find out why I’m in so much pain. But they just tell me that the mri I need it not needed. Idk how they can decide that when there not doctors or the one in pain


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Oh Pat I am so sorry. That is unbelievably frustrating. I'm sure it also leaves you feeling quite hopeless. Maybe if you start a letter writing campaign or email campaign is they probably are now you can see if you can get some assistance from somewhere. Maybe even the hospital with the MRI machine. Or the Imaging Center. Maybe there's a charity? Maybe a grant? Maybe some sort of out of the way assistance program? Maybe a top doctor? Please don't give up. Please keep on trying. I know trust me I know the hardness to keep going and to keep trying it's pretty near hopeless. But I do also know that if you're able to achieve just one little thing it does make you feel better. And just maybe you can get some results and get your MRI. What about a teaching hospital or a university program? I don't know. I know how much that you don't even want to attempt things because most of the time nothing turns out and you have no initiative. I am so glad you have your wife. It is so wonderful that she is there for you all day. Please remember to always appreciate what you do have. Find the littlest things to be grateful for. It is super hard to do but once you make it a habit it is easier. It may Wax and Wane but gratitude does help. Much like energy and hopelessness we are up and down. I have found the talking on this site has helped me a lot. I mean a lot so maybe if you and I keep talking it will help you. I assume that I'm going to go back down. I am positive I will Pat. I am terrified of that. I hate that I get so emotionally unstable around my children. It only happens every few months that they are aware of my weakness. But it destroys me when it happens. Please talk openly with your partner. Also remember each other. I know that with my relationship we didn't focus on each other. All the focus was on my condition and the other we were achieving in our life and our children. We lost each other in the process. Well I hope you're having a better day. And keep in contact

I am so frustrated. I have had so much joy in the past week at being a little more inspired. I'm especially happy with posting on this site as well as visiting the Wild Eagle site I have spoke about previously. I have joined their special group and love learning about the Eagles and their special relationship. What's Got Me Down but not seriously not terrifyingly is that I have to navigate on my phone to visit the website. This causes extreme pain. So I spent probably an hour today visiting the site and holding my phone. Also searching for more information about them and corresponding with other members of the group. This has led just severe pain in my arms because I have to hold on to the phone and press buttons with my fingers. I use Voice Text nearly all the time to cut down on the time my fingers are moving. But I still have to tap quite a bit to move from various things. Now my arms are throbbing burning and tightening up. Which leads to the horrid pain I experienced. This depresses me because I cannot do anything. If I do anyting at all like spend sometime online I end up in pain. This is very disheartening as all I do is lie in bed and watch TV. I want to find things that make me happy but when I do I am in pain. It is an endless cycle of pain. This is when I become so hopeless because the fact is I can't do anything about it. I just don't know what to do. I want to change things in my life but my body restricts me. How do I improve my life.? I try and I lose.

Oh and the time was broken up. It was spread up out over about three and a half hours. Even this didn't work. Does anyone have any suggestions I'm how I can find some way to enjoy life without causing such pain...

Sorry I keep thinking. I have a genuine strong interest in learning things. It's very hard for me to learn right now and is getting worse. Attribute this to the medications I take as well as possibly the new idea that there's a cognitive problem Maybe. But anyways I work to learn about everything I think about. So I am always on my phone accessing the internet to learn about whatever comes to mind. I can't stop doing this as it would drive me insane to not have answers to my questions. Even watching TV send me to my phone. To learn about the movie I'm watching. Or perhaps a character mentioned something that brings up a curiosity for me. And all of this leads me to further pain. One of the fundamentally most important and largest parts of myself - the Quest for knowledge - I can't follow without severe pain. All right I just wanted to put that out there I don't know why it said that I'm just really down right now and have found that talking on this site relieves some of that psychological pain.

Had to post. I'm in terrible terrible pain. Having a hard time eating can't move hands arms back and forth to feed myself. Was in really bad pain took Max of medications it's beginning to feel a little bit better then I ate a salad. I have a very hard time eating salads because of the repetitious movement. I primarily eat protein bars so there's not a lot of movement. But I have to eat salads because I have severe digestive problems. I'm just asking why why what? What have I done to deserve this? How can I battle it. I used to be a fighter I fought for my life since I remember. But I have no way to fight this pain. It's exhausting I slept for 12 hours last night. My pain just drags my body down. I can't sit up straight or walk around without making the pain worse. So I recline in bed which causes neck problems which causes migraines. If I lie all the way down I don't necessarily get the migraines but sometimes you do. I'm just tired. And hurting so much looking for something to feel better. so I don't know I don't know what I feel other than bleak. I'm not thinking about being dead today which I am grateful for. But I am thinking about my children. I haven't seen my middle daughter in over 5 weeks. I had hoped to see her this weekend but she has an event. She wants me to come to the vent but it lasts for hours and would require me to sit on Stadium benches. Which I can't do in this much pain. I am hopeful that maybe I won't be in pain that day or well of course I will be in pain but not this severe pain. But then I have to hope that my friend can take me down there. Which makes me a burden on her. I know I'm rambling. But this does make me feel emotionally better when I can get it out to someone and not just go over it again and again and again in my mind. I am sorry to take up people's time. But I'm hoping that those familiar with me read. And those has have red and not interested disregard. Because I really really really need an outlet. Without burdening my friends well the few I have. Currently I only talked with one friend and I don't want to overburden her. I have a couple of other online people I could talk to but feel bad doing that to them because all I ever have is a need for people to listen or in pain or boring or negative things to talk about. This makes me guilty feel guilty because friends are supposed to support each other which I did that but don't have anything but negative stuff about myself. That makes it difficult for me to share that stuff with people that I know because most people I have found out absolutely do not want to hear unhappiness from somebody over and over again. Thank you I feel a little bit better

I'm hurting worse. My neck is flared up I'm going to get a migraine I already have a headache. I'm posting because I could take a c b d right now. I have them but I don't use them because I'm afraid of them and my doctor does not support them and will take me off my pain meds if she finds out. I've only used them four times since I got sick 11 years ago but I'm in so much pain right now that if I can find them which requires a lot of movement I might do it I'm so conflicted. What would you do?

Adelina: Im just gonna give you my opinion.....I was once told that all another needed to do was hear me out....not take my advice.....so my asking you to hear me out and then make your own decision, I think will be ok....and I hope you do, too.
I have been keeping up with your posts and actually think of you even when I am not on this forum. I am worried and concerned for your mental health. You are NOT crazy, not at all, and that is NOT what I am saying. You are like some of us here on this forum, who are battling with such severe physical pain that it astonishes the mind. I know with my own pain issues that I sometimes refer to them as inhumane, because there is so much intensity to it, and I can't put it down and pick it back up again when I'm in a better state of mind. I have to attempt to function with it, and the smallest things, like keeping myself bathed and groomed and cooking some dinner and earning a little bit of money (I, so far, have not elected to collect disability, but it's impossible and my situation is not really good). All of that said, food and grooming are basic daily requirements and they absolutely overwhelm me often, because all that movement can throw me under the bus, even with medications and all the extra "stuff" I attempt. That said, I have to work hard to keep my perspective and frame of mind healthy and positive, and at times, I've not done well with that particular battle, and had to seek resources outside myself to help me get a handle on that. From what I'm reading here, I believe you may be in that place I can get to, and may benefit from talking to therapists. I also know there are doctors/therapists that specialize in working with patients who have extreme pain issues. I tried one here in my area, and our personalities did not match, so I didn't continue, and instead went with another, but I would not be opposed to seeking one of those specialists again should I find that I was not functioning well again. There is no judgment or criticism when your life is taken over by something you have no control of, and you don't get to enjoy what you used to, and even realize that you may have damaged the life you could have had in your reaction to what was going on with you. All of that, cumulative, is overwhelming to process inside your own head, and with only your perspective to depend on. I know that you're looking for feedback from us, your friends, here in a forum where many of us can readily relate to what you are going through, but having a person who is professionally trained to help you see what you cannot from your limited viewpoint could be invaluable for you.
Please consider reaching out to the professionals in your area. These issues and hurtful things (emotionally and physically) you are dealing with could get shined up with a new perspective and set of goals you and a specialist could work on together, and you might just find the answers you are seeking within yourself, and by and through guidance of someone trained to help you "see it.".....I will remember you in prayer, too!

CRPS thank you so much for reading my posts and thinking of me. That feels really nice to know that there is somebody out there I am connecting with. I believe you and agree with you that I need to see a therapist. Especially one that deals with chronic pain. Unfortunately I live in an area with limited resources but even more so than that I cannot afford to see one nor do I have a way to get to and from one. This does discourage me and what is often why I write here. I know I don't get feedback from many people and that hurts a little. But the primary reason I write is to get me out of my own head. Also to vent out some of the frustrations and fear I feel. That does make my mental anguish better. I don't feel good after I write but I do feel more relaxed and less oppressed. I really really do wish I could find a therapist to help me. I might be able to find one that would work with me and take just my insurance without my copay. But unfortunately I could not get there. I can't drive I do not have a working car. But I love that you offered your opinion. Thank you for that.
I had a fairly decent day today. My pain was so so not good but not terrifying. And one of the few times my pain medicine worked significantly. So I was able to talk on the phone to my girls and they are doing great. My youngest had a track meet today and she placed first in the high jump second in the relay and so so in a couple of other events. Both my daughters have a horse event on Saturday. It will be up in the air whether I can go or not depending on my pain level and the health level of my friend who drives me. Who knows I might be able to go I just hold it up in the air and be grateful if I do get to go. Saw my first Wild live rattlesnake today my dearest neighbor and friend caught it literally on his front porch where he lets his little dog out everyday. 3 foot long and absolutely gorgeous. I love nature and biology and ecology and most especially animals particularly reptiles so this was fascinating to see. All together made for a pretty decent day for once. I'm extremely grateful for it. Thank you for listening and talk to you all later.

Sounds like you've had an awesome day, and I am so happy that you've been able to do that!!!! I am still thinking, wheels grinding, so I'll throw out a few more things I thought of as I read your response to me.
1) My grandmother lived in another state and when she became blind and had to move out of her house (she lived there blind for too long, but my dad put his foot down as she kept leaving the stove eyes on and other things that made it dangerous). Anyway, she called me to come help her find a place to live (think she was mad at all her kids, lol). Anyway, the first place I took her in her state was something like Council on Aging, where we looked at all the resources they offered. Among them were in house visits for companionship, light cleaning, therapy, etc. This was free to the elderly. I don't know your situation well, but there has to be some way you can qualify for services for disabled, same as they offer some services to aging. If not governmental, how about churches? You should not live by yourself and suffer aloneness...if it's at all preventable....it's just "how" do we get that for you????
I hope if others are reading, they'll make any suggestions for resources I don't know about.

2) Is there any way you could move into an assisted living community of any kind? Have you looked into it or considered it? I know that I've had issues with my husband before and imagined that should he get on my last good nerve, I would like to live more in town in an apartment complex with assisted living resources such as having others for company, and little things going on daily that I could choose to take part in, or not....and most importantly, healthy meals that I wouldn't need to prepare for myself, as that would just be too hard for me.

I am wondering if you started calling around in your area to governmental places and churches with outreach programs and other places that assist or work with the disabled, could you not learn, just from making these calls and talking to all of these people out there, more about what might be available to you. Heck, if you're home alone with not a screaming loaded schedule, taking a little time to reach out around you may uncover a hidden gem for you.

Again, I am so pleased to hear that you had a good one....and the rattlesnake thrill....just wow. My husband and I watch a lot of those programs that "follow" animals in the wild and I watch Steve Irwin reruns like a crazy person...(I just adore his enthusiasm). When the snakes come on, especially rattle snakes, I always pause so that I can watch and study them....fascinating and makes my heart race a little just to see them! Their facial features are etched like autobots....so perfect. Oh, and the other night we started an Ocean series and the stuff in the ocean is just insane....God is amazing....I can't believe His imagination...and all the creatures He made....it's just so WOW! (world of wonderful!!!!).

May you have a perfect today, sis!!

Thank you so much CRPS. I thank you for your advice and you're helping me you are a lovely person. I live in a very poor rural County in California and do not qualify for any assistance that I have looked into so far. But I love your idea of the churches perhaps they can lead me to something that would be helpful so I will look into that. I am not religious but I do believe there is a higher power . And a unifying belief and strengths that connects all people of all religions and types . I had a spiritual experience once and I know that there is something out there that guides all of us. are also no communities I could live in like you suggest. And I don't want to move further away from my children. There is a county nearby that would have more available for me probably possibly. But it is much more expensive to live there and much more difficult for my children to get to. It's funny well not really but kind of I live in one of the poorest counties in California next to some of the most affluent counties in California. I love communicating with you and I will look into the possibility of getting other help. It's quite likely that I could find at least someone there who could help me with talking out my anxiety and depression and frustration. That would be really nice. I am an animal addiction person. I have always been fascinated by Nature and follow many rescue sites and animal sites online. And about half of my shows that I watch on TV are about nature in some way. I love Steve Irwin to. I was so devastated when he died. But his legacy continues with his family and his shows continue to inspire me to this day. My dream since I was a little girl was to do animal rescue of some sort. That is one thing that is very hard that I cannot do that anymore. But most of my pets have been rescues and I'm grateful for that. I also love to reach out online and share my rescue sites with other people. If you're interested in that PM me. There are some wonderful stories letter very uplifting and funny and heartwarming and sometimes sad. But I've really been doing the online thing for the past couple of weeks and it does help me emotionally. To see other people taking up the cause that I feel so strongly about. I am in a lot of pain today. My girls did not have their event today I was misinformed and it's tomorrow. I hope I can go but we'll just have to wait and see. I really think that coming to this site has helped me mentally and emotionally. With you reaching out to me CRPS I feel a connection. Thank you for being there I really mean it.

Hi Again A: I'm actually afraid to type your name as I spell worse than a 5th grader (lol...spin on the show, which always humiliates me!). Im wondering if you saw your kids and also if you are feeling any better? I literally KNOW that with my issues, when I get upset about things, the more upset I get, the more involved my nervous system gets. Try as I might, I still get upset sometimes, but I always pay, and always vow to never get upset again (here's where I laugh at myself...so futile!!!).

As to the church thing.....I am a Christian, and I do know a lot of churches that have outreaches in our area....and they love people....I mean they LOVE them!! Your not being a Christian shouldn't prevent you from learning of their services to the community at large or even greater, learning of services they happen to know about, just because they are service oriented. In the past, churches believed it was their responsibility to care for the sick and the poor among us, and some are still very good about doing that (as able). So.....nothing ventured, nothing gained....my sister in pain......A lady in our area reached out to me and offered her entire church to come to my house and help me one day with whatever thing(s) my husband and I might need....I never took them up on it, because we just plug along....but I do so appreciate that in humanity!

I am really hoping that just by reaching out to any and every one, you might find a gem somewhere....one that doesn't make you qualify, but takes you on your word that you need various services.....Also, my mother in law moved into an apartment building where her rent is only a couple hundred dollars a month and she is just a single woman who is at retirement age now and doesn't make much money. I don't mean to frustrate you by continuing to suggest you reach out JUST TO BE SURE...and it's possible you already know everything out there and don't qualify for any of it....but it's also possible something is out there waiting for you and could I ever express my thrill if we found out that was the case? I don't like to see a sister in pain suffering just like I suffer sometimes.....and if anything is out there, I want you to have it!!!
I have been having a series of terrible pain nights. I have trouble going to sleep because the nerve pain is so raw and constant, then by around 5 in the morning, I am up, because my body is wracked at that point and even though I want to finish sleeping, I can't...the pain is just too intense. This sets my days up for trouble, because I dont get good rest. Also, I am angry at my husband today, which doesn't bode well for tonight's rest (sigh!!!). Here's to a good Monday for both of us!!!

Just checking in for the day. I was not able to go to my girls events. I woke up this morning with vertigo. I've never really had this before but I know immediately what it was. It made the day difficult plus I developed a headache throughout the day. My arms were up and down today but averaged around moderate. I was really distracted about the vertigo. It made things kind of hard to do. Because it would hit at strange times. Most particularly if I bent over. I did some reading up and of course it could be my inner ear. But so far I don't feel any thing in my ears. I have long suspected that I may have a CSF leak. I have many or most of the symptoms. If this vertigo continues I need to get in to see my doctor. Emotionally today I'm stable. I don't feel good or bad. Tired and blah. The nausea from the vertigo is distracting. And of course me being a paranoid hypochondriac can't stop thinking about why I have the vertigo. But when my mind shuts up emotionally I'm okay. I'm sad I missed my girls events but not destructively so. I guess that's it I just wanted to check in with those of you who are keeping up with me and again thank you for listening...

Hi CRPS! Somehow I missed your post on Sunday. I don't know how but I did. I've been checking to see if anybody has posted anything to me and I haven't receive or noticed that somebody had posted. That got me a little down but then when I came on today I saw that you had posted on Sunday and it lightened me up. You are such a wonderful person. You're being so actively involved in these suggestions and ideas. And I really really appreciate it. I am so sorry for your pain. It sounds like it is fairly terrible for you to. I'm very glad you have your husband church and Friends there for you. I'm glad that your pain doesn't get you as down as I get. I have been very very up and down with my pain this past week. It's very up and down throughout the day. Which is unusual for me. Normally my pain stays consistent for most of a day. And if anything it gets worse as the day goes on and the more I move. I am so so so lucky and so so so so grateful that most of my nights are pain-free. Yes that's right when I fall asleep I am relatively unaware of my pain. I would say 8 out of 10 days once I fall asleep I sleep great. But I definitely have those days where I hurt too much to go to sleep or I wake up in bad pain. But those don't stress me out too much. The problem I have with sleep is that it takes me two to four plus hours to fall asleep every single night. I know that stress is the primary problem in this or the fact that I do not exercise or have that much of a physical active life. I've suffered insomnia since I was Young. Probably starting from when I was about 10 years old or so. It has gone up and down throughout my life. Now is that the worst that is ever been. All the more reason for me to get therapy help. I so love your idea about the churches. It's actually a church in my old town that I lived in that helped me move when I had to move a couple of years ago. The people were very helpful and didn't treat me different because I am not a practicing Christian. In fact we had a few prayer sessions and at least one decreased my pain significantly. I truly believe in the power of Prayer. I have been unable to make calls recently because of the pain but it's on my mind all the time. I am hoping that will lead to some sort of support or therapy. It is my hopes that someone will know of a way I can find help. Thank you CRPS. Because you inspire me. I have not had that in so long. Thank you thank you thank you. I am also hoping that contacting the churches will maybe find a social outlet for me. If people can accept that I believe in a higher power but don't practice a specific religion that would be wonderful. I would really like to make some new friends. I would like to find a reason to better my life. Nah that sounds really negative to me. Like I don't have a life worth living if I don't have friends in it. And that's not what I mean. I just feel so alone or isolated. It would be nice to Simply have someone to talk to.
I get to see my youngest daughter this weekend. My middle daughter is busy. Which is good and I'm proud of her active life and involvement. She wants to become a veterinarian and is 16 and involved in sports and music and FFA and equestrian riding and doing veterinarian competitions. And she's so smart she has mostly A's with some bees and doesn't even have to study. I couldn't be more proud of her. My youngest will be 13 in July and is also incredibly smart and busy with FFA and equestrian riding and wrestling and track and field. I'm so proud of them both. My oldest child my son will have nothing to do with me because he thought that I was ganging up on his father when we separated. He's adopted and has severe attachment disorder and has a very hard time dealing with his emotions and connecting with people. My oldest daughter is also adopted and has severe attachment disorder. She is also the biological sister of my son. I am very happy that she has a very close relationship with her brother. She and I did not talk for a while. And for a good reason I took out my anger sometimes on her. I know why I did it and I am extremely sorry and have apologized to her and explained what I was going through. And so we started talking again. This went on for months and it wasn't easy but we were making progress. And then suddenly I started disagreeing with her father my ex-husband and he and I began to fight as you could say. At the same time she suddenly stopped talking to me or returning my phone calls. I had spoken to her twice since then and she has never explained why she stopped talking to me. She said that she sometimes felt uncomfortable talking to me on the phone that we had nothing really to say. And I can understand that because even I sometimes felt awkward on the phone but seal called her every couple of days to see how she's doing. And I have not been able to talk to her again because she still does not return phone calls. I actually did talk to her once when I was talking to my youngest daughter and she walked in the house. And I didn't talk about any subjects then I just wished her a happy birthday and told her that I was proud of her and loved her and missed her. And then let her go back to her birthday celebration. Talking about this makes me feel like a total screw-up. I know deep down inside that my oldest children have issues that can't really be helped a whole lot in phone conversations. I don't have the ability to go down and see them. But I try to do everything I can over the phone to connect with my oldest daughter at least. My son won't talk to me at all. Even though I know the logical reasons for my older daughter oldest daughter not talking to me. It's my responsibility to keep trying to connect with her. But sometimes I just don't know what to do. I have spoken with her twice in the past 5 months. It is very disheartening trying to connect with her. I know my friend would drive me down to see her but I can't even get her on the phone to arrange a time and place to meet. Anyways I've gone off on a tangent again haven't I. It's just that the topic of All My Children has been on my mind significantly lately. Thank you for listening.

Please give me the strength to fight for my children. My ex-husband is extremely emotionally and psychologically abusive. He is especially that way to my oldest daughter and my youngest daughter. I lost all my rights to my children because I did not fight for them in my divorce because I was psychologically terrified of my ex and had no self-esteem to fight him. Now I want my rights back because my children are being subject to abuse by him. He's not all bad he does many things right. But emotions are not something he handles well and he takes his anger and stress out on those around them which are his children. He used to take it out on me which is why I kicked him out. Now he does it to my girls. I am trying to take him to court but have no resources to financially achieve this goal and have to use this self-help legal Resource Center. It has limited hours and days and it always seems to conflict with my pain or my friends pain who takes me places. I have filled out all the paperwork and have had to tried to have it served one time but they returned it to me saying they didn't have time to serve it before the court date. So now I have to start over. Which is fine because the incident that just happened was terrible for my daughter my youngest daughter. She was on the phone with me when we realized her sister's dog my middle daughter's dog was not around. My youngest absolutely panicked became terrified that he was dead on the highway because they live next to the highway and was crying. Herself her aunt and I also tried calling my ex-husband to see if he knew what was going on but he would not answer his phone. A little while later I called his phone for like the fifth time and my youngest answered it. She was extremely upset at this time as my exit had the dog all that time and didn't let anyone know. Not only didn't he apologize for that but he was actually smirking and mocking her and laughing at her for talking to me on the phone about how upset she was about him not letting her know where the dog was and not caring that she got upset and scared. He is just horrible in regards to emotions. He is very very demeaning to me in front of the girls and they need to know that it is not right for him to treat them or me that way. The thing is he makes a ton of money and is extremely manipulative. He is or appears to be your typical nice guy. He has told other people that I am a drug addict and a drunk. And has even told children that I am a terrible monster. He's very very vindictive and I've got to find the strength to fight him. A lot of times I don't feel like I'm worth worth me trying to be important in my girls lives. Does that make any sense at all? He constantly emphasizes on how worthless I am to the girls. And I let myself believe it at times. It's a difficult battle for me because I really have nothing to do with their lives. But at the same time I do know that they need me to balance out his psychological abuse which is what prompted me to start to take him to court. Which is what I'm going to have to really focus on now and I'm asking for strength.

Good morning Adelina. I am rushing this morning, since I have to leave for a doctor's appt in 15 minutes. I wanted to ask how many children you have and what their ages are. I also want to take more time to reply to your two posts (since my last one). That said, I can't do it now, but if you happen to come onto the board inbetween me going to the doctor and getting back, I really hope you can fill in the blanks about the children and their ages.
I used to be a Guardian ad Litem in my state for abused and neglected children, so I know a good bit about the subject. I also have a place in my heart for children, because they don't ask to be born, and aren't emotionally or mentally developed, and the impact of bad parenting can really do a lot to these developing psychies. In any case, there is a caveat here....which is, no matter what the next person does that is emotionally disruptive to them, you are their mom, will always be their mom, and getting you healthy so that you can be healthy for them will always benefit them, whether you are with them physically, or not. I'll write more to you later, but in the meantime, pray to your higher power on their behalf, because the prayers of a mom are always so powerful. I'm off to my appointment for now, and hope you'll be on the board today so that when I come back, I have some numbers and ages.....it's ok, and it's going to be ok, Adelina.....I have had such great results from my own prayers and know that my Higher Power is real, is active in our daily lives, and listens and responds to our prayers....and concerns. If your faith is low, we'll go on mine for now....but more than that, there are some practical here and now things I can suggest, and I hope to encourage you and reassure you and give you some strength to reach out to your kids and let them know how much they are loved....even if physical distance is an issue with you all. Happy Day today, Adelina.....pain and all....it can be a great one!!!!

Hi CRPS! You are wonderful. Thank you I can still feel your caring coming through in your messages and I really appreciate it thank you. I am so thrilled that you have experience being a guardian ad litem. I actually requested right when Court started originally that the girls have a legal representation for them. And in the beginning my girls would tell her about things and she would talk to my ex and he would completely discount what they said or say that they were lying. They became absolutely discouraged and hopeless and helpless in any representation. They gave up trying to fight a long long long time ago. Because the power their father has such power over them. Case in point. I had a wonderful weekend well Saturday to Sunday with my youngest daughter. She actually surprised me showing up Saturday morning hours before I was supposed to get her it was wonderful. As always the first day I have her she is really very very very very very very very active and instigates roughhousing. Which I try to encourage so much because that's what she seems to need it gives her an outlet for her built-up anxieties I think but I'm not a psychologist so I don't know I'm just going on with my mother's gut tells me. Her wrestling with her always causes severe pain but it's so worth it. She smiles and laughs and this time I asked her why she has to, well... Let me explain. she does things to instigate me and pushes and pushes and pushes. This is always been her personality from birth. But she pushes until I break down and spray her with the cat spray bottle. Laughing face emoji... okay so she always ends up soaking wet. But we both end up laughing hysterically the whole time. This time I asked her why does she insist on irritating me so much that I have to spray bottle her with water. She said because it makes you smile mom. OMG OMG OMG that was something so powerful. We also enjoy some online games and I had found a new one and shared it with her. I wanted to buy some advantages for this game and it was on account that's based off their father's credit card and will not allow any other purchases from other cards. So I told her I was going to buy something but give her cash to give to her father she was not thrilled with that because she was scared he would yell at her. I told her that it would be okay it's just a little purchase just a few dollars. So we made that small purchase for something around 6 to $8. Then I wanted to surprise her with a larger purchase or something very special that she wanted. It was not a lot of money it would require me to go without one or two things for a week or so but it was well worth it to get her to smile. When she saw it she turned white and started crying. I asked her what was wrong. She was absolutely terrified her father was going to yell at her. I said no don't worry I'm going to pay you I'm giving you cash to give to him over pay so that it will cover anyting. She was absolutely frantic and would not calm down saying that he would still be mad and yell at her. I told her okay I won't do it I'll call him first. She calms down after that but cuddled with me fiercely for the next couple of hours and I mean fiercely.! It was heartbreaking and enraged me and broke me it hurts so bad to see her this way. But it absolutely encouraged me to move on with my court case. I tried to get ahold of my ex to see if there was any chance that he would talk to me about it (not the yelling but just that I could make a purchase for her. He will not talk to me about anything regarding the girls at all anything whatsoever). Well I texted him a few times and he did not return my calls or texts about it at all. So that is an example of what I got to get my child away from. She desperately wants to live with me but both her and her older sister are terrified of their fathers repercussions in regards to it. He has their horses and pets they are terrified he will take them away from them and get rid of them. My middle daughter has a lot more of influence over my ex. But my youngest has none and he's always railed against her over exuberance and fighting attitude. She is a very difficult child for many many people because of her bossiness and outspokenness. She says exactly how she feels. She wears her heart on her shoulder. And she is a very Golden Child. She's very good and thinks of other people first. But she also does have quite a mouth. I love it all about her. But my ex has difficulties. So I want to work to save my children. My youngest will be 13 in July and my middle daughter is 16. My oldest daughter is 18 and my son 21. I of course will only seek custody for the youngest to as the others are too old to be part of it. Another problem I have with my ex is that he does not pay my health insurance on time. And when I try to talk to him about it he ignores me completely. I have to go without medications that I desperately need. I need to add that to my court issues. Well anyways I guess that's it. I have requested a new court representation for my daughters as my ex has obviously biased the attorney assigned to my daughters with lies that he has told many people. I can't blame her too much. At the time of Court originally I didn't have much fight left in me I was broken. But I just can't have this being done to my daughters. The other thing is that he teaches them that if somebody does something to them they do it back to another person. To that same person actually I mean. For example when my youngest daughter found out my middle daughter had knocked some clothes off of a bench. My ex told my youngest daughter to knock my middle Daughter's clothes to the ground. When someone 3 years older than my youngest daughter punched her very hard in the stomach my ex simply said well punch her back. He does not give her sympathy and love but she craves craves craves his attention. Which is right she should crave and need her father's attention. It's just so wrong that the only attention she gets is yelling. so I hope that I can get somewhere I have an appointment with a self-help law Center on the 28th and I will refile my papers to take him to court.

I also wanted to say something about the hurt horrible verbal relationship between my children and their father. He speaks to them as roughly as he speaks to me. And my youngest speaks to him in the same manner. I absolutely hate it and I have told my children that is not right that they speak that way. To anyone. They don't ever ever ever speak to me in that manner. I don't let them and I don't talk to them in that manner. But when I'm on the phone with them and I hear their father talking to them on the phone over the phone I mean it is rude condescending mean arrogant harsh hurtful and done in a loud shouting voice. My oldest is still in high school and has moved out of my ex-husband's house. He used to refer to her as the person who lives in my house. And he had her labeled as the b**** in his cell phone. Since my eldest won't talk to me I leave her a lot of messages telling her I love her and miss her on Facebook. She has spoke of her concern about leaving the two girls alone. Has talked about the severe depression of my youngest. And the terrible relationship between my two younger girls. As soon as she graduates from high school she is moving to Florida. I do wish I could improve my relationship with her. But for right now I really have to try and get my youngest children the help they need. When I go to court I will insist on psychotherapy and family counseling. That will be second priority besides getting this dysfunction to stop. I am truly mortified at the way my youngest speaks to her father and at the way my middle daughter manipulates him. And for the most part I don't address these issues. I believe that I just need to be there for them and let them know what I disapprove of. But that I love them and I'm here for them. But I have noticed that my 16 year old is getting further distant from me. I know a lot of it has to do with her age and that's to be expected and good for her. But I don't know what to do to prevent from losing her completely. I have nothing to do with her life day to day life. Well I just thought I'd throw some more out there

Hi I just wanted to check in here. I'm doing okay actually. The pain has been up and down but the migraines have been terrible. But I've not been nearly as depressed in fact I've been quite happy. I am really getting into this online community thing and it keeps me really interested. I go watch my baby eagles mature and get ready to fly out of the nest on the live cam. Or I read all the jokes that people send me. Or all the serious petitions that need to be signed. Or the animal rescues that are getting done. The flowers pictures that I like. All my interest that I can observe have been wonderful. It gives me something to look forward to. Although I can't actively participate in anything at least I can observe and be part of it that way. The only problem I've run into is I do not have an expensive enough plan with my satellite service 2 use it all the time. I'm actually using up my service about two weeks into the month. Don't know what I'll do about that yet but I've got to do something. It really makes me feel like it's somewhat normal person to share jokes with people online. Or interesting stories with other people. Having little mini conversations. Being part of my County's awareness group groups it's great. So that's something I've been looking for for years I just never thought much of the internet before this besides looking up some information every once in awhile. I have found a whole new world. And outlet for myself to be more human. It also inspires me to be a better human. It supports me when I'm feeling down. And it gives something for me to do with all of my time. Even though I watch a lot of animal shows and documentaries and educational programs, I still get very bored with television. I watch a large variety of movies and shows. But since I've discovered interactions on the internet I've hardly watched any TV. Well that's not true I still watch it about half the day but I want to be online the other half of the day. Which I can't do unless I figure out something to be able to pay for it. Anyways I haven't felt that terrible depression of not wanting to live for quite a while now weeks! That's nice and I have you guys to thank for it also because here is a place I can vent to some people that have some sympathy for me. And while I like responses I don't necessarily need them as much as I need to get it out of my brain. Otherwise it just goes on and on and it's all I can think about. So thank you to those who support me.

In terrible pain today. One of the worst in a longtime. But even though I can barely move I am feeling content and blessed. Had my youngest daughter overnight and it was just wonderful to see her and spend time with her. Love her. All mothers should have such a blessing.

Bad pain again. This time I feel the negativity again. A low pressure system has moved into my area. I have noticed that low pressure systems increase my pain and headaches. I don't know if I mentioned that I also have fibromyalgia. When low pressure systems move in it's not only my arms but my entire body is it feels like it's being crushed. It is horrendous horrendous horrendous pain. I will do anything to make it go away but it doesn't. If anybody out there is willing to talk to me I'm wonder if they experience an increase in pain with low pressure systems...

Hi Adelina:
I am not familiar with family law, too much, but am hopeful that the self help law center will give you some good advice when you meet with them. Your ex husband sounds very bitter and immature....makes me sad to read about him. It also makes me sad that the children have a parent that discourages them in their relationship with the other parent....that is selfish and we all know destructive, imo.
I have Fibro, too, and this morning I woke up hurting from head to toe, not sure why it's like that some days, but oh so glad it's not like that every day. I dont think doctors are on the same page with how to treat Fibro or RSD, so we have to sort of flounder around with this intense body pain and hope to get to a good doctor. I have a good doctor now, and interestingly, he is looking at my body with xrays and MRIs and doing things to help, and it's working with me. I still have the fibro, but some of the other stuff is improving, which is so encouraging to me.
I've had a lot going on lately and haven't been on this site. Of all the things I've suggested, have you been able to use any of my suggestions? I'm just wondering out loud here.
Hope you have a good day today. Take Care.

Hi CRPS. Thank you for getting back to me sorry that you're busy. I am blessed in that my fibro doesn't bother me all the time. It sounds like you're other condition is your worst pain inducer too? I have been dealing with vertigo for the past few weeks. It's really bad during the night when I'm sleeping or when I first wake up. I can't move my head around or bend over without falling over LOL. So I have not been able to make phone calls on your other suggestions because I'm feeling really disoriented. Frustrated too because it's something I really want to look into. But to avoid the nausea I just try to relax and stay still. Most days the vertigo settles down in the late afternoon or early evening. At that time I'm pretty tired and still feeling nauseous. I'm going in to see my doctor probably next week and hopefully get something to help the vertigo and nausea and to talk about my other issues. If I can just quit spinning I will be able to make a move on contacting churches in groups locally that maybe can help me. Thank you for all your suggestions. I feel really bad and not being able to follow up with them quickly. You've been so helpful and offering great suggestions and I thank you for that. I'm not a flake and I don't intend to not do as you asked. I've just gotten into this weird cycle of vertigo. Thank you for keeping in contact with me and I'll update you as soon as I can in finding groups to help me.

Hi Adelina: Sounds like you've been battling an inner ear infection? If so, no abx for that.....it's viral, and they are awful. I had one back 15 years ago, lasted about 3 weeks and was torture! For some reason, I think my doctor told me to get Magnesium??? I think I got something else too, to absorb the Magnesium. It did work to get rid of the inner ear infection....I did get better.
My fibro flare has been relentless this time.....not sure what, if anything, I am doing to keep it going, but I wish I could figure that out (dont we all?).
Let us know how you're coming along. By now, your inner ear infection may be getting better?

How does a person live without dreams? This morning walking in the grass evoked the strongest memory when I was young and would walk miles through the grass to achieve my dreams. My goals. My reality. As young as 12 I was making my life what I wanted it to be. I had to dream then. Again I ask you how does one live without dreams. I certainly don't know how. I have been 99% confined to my bed for the past week and more. My pain is so relentless but I can't even brush my hair brush my teeth follow the rules when going to the bathroom! I can't have any dreams because I can never never never ever achieve them! Pain rule my life. I miss the simplest of things. I even miss cleaning my house. I live in the filthiest most disgusting house. I used to have beautiful gardens. Now I have pots that are overgrown with grass. My children live Wonderful active lives. I hear their daily stories of actually living. I don't live. I barely exist and it is miserable. No I am not in one of my lowest lows like I have been in the past. I have no desire to end my life or two be done with life. I want life so bad. Even my days with my girls it's not living. We lie in bed and watch TV or play video games. Because I can achieve nothing! I want to be alive. Last week I was having trouble with my internet and the service was coming out. I had to move some boxes so they could reach the internet box easily. My pain was moderate at the time. And I felt that I couldn't ask for help because I felt decent. Though my friends would have scoffed at me and told me they would help any way . I wasn't in agony so I felt I had to do it by myself. NO lI wanted to do it by myself. So I did. And I experienced the worst pain I have ever had. I know I deserved it because I knew it would happen and I did stuff anyways. But I just wanted to be alive. If I pretend to be alive and use my arms then I am in the most suffering pain. Can anyone understand me?????!!! Why do so many people read this post? Are they laughing at me because I'm so weak pathetic? Does anyone commiserate empathize sympathize? I want to hear from you. My dreams have come down to being able to wipe myself after I go to the bathroom and to see my girls. I cant dream about achieving anything anymore because to try to achieved things equals pain. Look I am depressed right now. I am hurting. I come here because I need to get my feelings out otherwise I get to consumed and it's all I think of. I have to get them out I wish I could go to a therapist but I can't have not been able to do that because I cannot drive or even if I could afford one. I have reached out to local churches and not heard back from any of them. I live in a very low socio-economic community. I'll also live in a county with severe drug abuse and it's a parole release site. So there are many many many people that need help. And many are seeking it. I just need somebody to talk to about my physical and emotional pain. Some physical help maintaining my house would be nice. But I really need an outlet for people or a person to listen to me. I have come a long way in accepting my position in life. That doesn't mean I'm still not grieving about it. I was a person who made my life what I wanted it to be everyday for 25 years. What I dreamed of was my reality I made it happen I did things that I loved and had always wanted to do . Then I was hit with this. It took me years to realize I could no longer dream. And that's what's hard now. Can anyone understand this.......

On another note I have realized how severe the abuse has gotten towards my daughters. They were staying with me and in the evening my ex called and started screaming to my youngest over the phone. And I'm talkin about screaming. I could hear because I was sitting next to her. I absolutely was not eavesdropping. But then he started calling her a f****** liar over and over and over again as she tried to defend herself about something. It had something to do with grades and with the horses. She would try to talk but he would just shout over the top of her voice and kept calling her a an effing liar. She was desperate to try to get him to understand but he would not listen and kept yelling at her I leaned over and held on to her cuz I could tell she was hurt. Finally I could stand it no more and took the phone from her. I asked him to please stop cussing at her in a strong voice not yelling not shouting not mean or demeaning. I just said please do not cuss at her. He shouted at me get off the effing phone out of the effing of my life put her back on right now! I said I will I just need you to please stop cussing at her. He continued to just yell at me and cuss at me. I was very very careful to just talk in a very calm neutral voice because I did not want to make him mad more mad. It didn't work finally I gave the phone back and he continued to yell at her and degrade her and demean her. Finally she gave up fighting she was close to tears and then she just got hard. Closed off accepting of the abuse. It was horrifying to listen to and knowing I could not stop it. She finally just accepted everything he said and said yes yes yes it a dull voice. That finally seemed to appease him and he hung up. One minute later he called me knowing I'm with the girls and that we all just sit and watch TV or play games on my bed. I live in a studio and there's no room for other furniture. Besides I enjoy sitting close to my daughters. Anyway, he called me and starts yelling me telling me to stay out of his f****** life! Leave him the f*** alone! And saying both statements over and over and over again. He accused me of eavesdropping. I said I couldn't help but hear because I was sitting next to her and he was so loud on the phone. He said that he knows I'm doing everything I can to get to influence his daughters against him I tried to tell him no I do not. I encourage them to have a good relationship with him and that I just tell them that I don't like certain things that they do or he he does. In the way they talk to each other. He just kept renting on stay the F out of his life and leaving the f--- alone. It was horrifying for the girls to hear that. I finally said I'm hanging up because this is not productive and he said something about how I'm just scared that he's getting to the truth. This makes me think that on the times that he's hanging up on me is when he feels that I'm getting to the truth. I only wanted to hang up because the girls were listening and it was going nowhere conversing with him. He also started telling me to get my effing lawyer and do what I needed to do. I'm really not sure what that meant except that maybe he knows I'm taking him to court. He has a small name in this County and knows many influential people. So I have the feeling that somebody told him. He knows people at the Sheriff's Office and I was trying to have the Sheriff's Office serve him. They did not because they said it was too close to the court date. Now he tells me to get my effing lawyers and do what I need to do. Too much of a coincidence to not think that he knows something. I'm still going forward with the court case but I'm going to try to do a change of venue after this happened. I had a long talk with my daughter's after this all happened. I reassured them that they were safe with me that I won't talk to him about what they say and that they don't have to say they know anything when he or if he asks. We talked about the court representative of them their legal representation representation. The one they had when we were first fighting about custody completely alienated them. As we were talking on this day my youngest daughter broke down or actually shut down. I was talking to her about having to tell people about what was going on and she begs not to have to talk. I told her that she's going to have to talk to someone and that I know that the last person didn't help and made things worse. I think I have mentioned that the girls would tell her stuff and then the representative would talk to my ex and he would tell the representative that the girls were lying and then the representative would talk to the girls about their lying. So as I said my youngest shut down and said in the weakest voice I've ever heard her use why would a grown up not believe a child that young over a parent? That broke my heart. She really and truly believes that another adult that was supposed to be on her side would truly support her as I always have. This was when she was just 7 to 8 years old. Now she's 13 and absolutely Beyond terrified, to the point of shutting down, to talk to any adults about how she feels besides me. Anyways I explained to her that I would work to find a different representative and that she needs to talk to this person to tell them to the truth. I don't want to tell them anything about court because I don't want to be influencing them. But I had to explain to them that they had to talk to someone about what was going on and to tell the truth. My youngest cried and cried but it is shut down Manner. or where she just lies there with tears running down her face. It is so scary knowing that it takes so long with this court stuff and that I am limited on making it happen fast due to my pain. But I am working on it I have a date to meet with lawyer at the self-help center in a week and a half. I am hoping she can give me advice on changing venues and changing legal representation for the girls. I can't afford a lawyer and found out that ones that do pro bono 4 people like me in my position aren't worth trusting. I had three lawyers throughout my fight with my ex. They all expected for my ex to pay at the end of the Court. They all conspired behind my back with my ex because they just wanted things to end. I wanted to fight. Anyway off-topic so now I won't go to a lawyer and I do use the self-help center. I will fight for myself as I did before after I got rid of using bad lawyers.

Okay that's my update on myself and my update with my children. I guess I do have a dream that I am holding onto and can work for. And that is the dream of helping my children by helping the verbal abuse stop at their home. I wanted to call CPS after that night. But I soon realized that if I did that my youngest daughter at least would be taken into foster care. That would be the worst thing right now because she wouldn't even be able to see me or do her activities that she loves and helps keep her sane. If anybody has advice on this subject I would greatly appreciate it.