Concerned about neighbor - may have relasped
 

I have been close friends with my neighbor last 2 years. She has been in recovery last 10 years, however, I have come to believe she is drinking again.

At the point where I just had to walk away yesterday.

I have been going to her home daily to help her with her physical limitations. She has muscular diseases which restrict her ability to get around, so I go to help her in her home anyway I can, by taking out her trash, moving things around for her, helping her with her cats, helping put away her groceries, changing bedding, etc, whatever she needs.

Lately, last two months since her symptoms have gotten out of her control and worsened, her mood has gotten much worse. She is very erratic now. Last month it began with her asking me to come to her home to take out her trash. She wanted me there by a certain time, but I told her I had a meeting that day and might run late, not to expect me at the time she designated. I arrived an hour late. I was greeted by a raging response from her, she refused to let me in and slammed the door in my face. I was stunned by this as this was totally out of her character.

She has called me on the phone sounding drunk, slurring her words, not making sense. I questioned her about this and she said she had just taken a Zanax. I offered to come over to make sure she was okay, but she would not let me in. Then there are the other times she would call and appear ultra depressed or worse, in a blind rage and raging at me for no reason.

She has AA meet in her home every other week, has a sponsor (or so she said). One of the AA members fills in the gaps for me. She comes to vacuum, clean her home, do her wash, take her cat to the vets and run errands for her. She even pays for my neighbors dental insurance, chips in monetarily every month too. I don't know if this is such a good thing for another AA member to be this close, especially if it's her sponsor, but I don't know how AA works.

Now, my neighbor goes to work every day, she works full time and drives an hour from home each way. She can get out to get her own groceries too and other errands but asks many others to do soo much for her including me. She does confuse me, appearing soo needy, roping neighbors to meet her needs and yet at the same time can do all this for herself. One minute she appears weak and needy and then the next she refuses all help and pushes me away.

Lately, her muscular disease has progressed and is out of her control. Her psych doc upped her medications and so did her neurologist. She was recently tested for advancing neurological diseases which did not prove anything leaving her despondent.

She made plans to take my cat to the vets and left me stranded, not showing up. She made plans to take me to my court appt Wednesday and canceled yesterday, now I have no way there and no money to pay for fare there and she knows this. She texted me her cancellation and ridiculed me for what I was going thru legally. Recently every time I have to depend upon her, she disappears.

I have come to believe she is now self medicating, by drinking again. Now, I don't have any proof of this, but by her behaviors it makes me wonder.

I just do not know what to do to help her.

Thank you for reading this post, and I hope someone can help me sort thru all this.

Blue

Blue, it is possible that the prescription drugs that your neighbour is on are interacting in a negative way with alcohol.

You could suggest to her that she checks out this site for such reported negative interactions.

Drugs.com | Prescription Drug Information, Interactions & Side Effects

Hi Kiwi ~ I am very worried that with everything she is on now (Welbutrin, Prozac, Baclifin and others she has not told me) will interact with alcohol.

She is extremely stubborn and now won't respond by answering her door, she just yells to go away. I did notice, however, today she was in and out with her car.

Thank you Kiwi for your link and information.

Blue

In the days since I posted this thread, I have done alot of soul searching. I see many members have viewed my post but only one responded, which I am grateful for, thank you Kiwi *smiles*.

Thru my own soul searching, I have come to accept that I cannot accept the behaviors of my neighbor. I realize now that her "alleged" return to drinking or showing these obvious behaviors, has led to my having to give up and walk away.

At first I felt the victim. Now I realize that she is a victim of her current circumstances.

I have forgiven her. I have accepted that this is all beyond my control and I cannot control how she responds to me. Now I have to work on forgiving myself.

By forgiving her, it has released me from the degree of loss with her. I can now protect myself from her raging and abusive nature. I can now feel safe again in my own environment and not feel threatened by her. I have given myself permission not to respond to her anymore.

So, it's up to her going forward to find a way thru this, without me.

Blue

I think that you have made a wise decision Blue.

My clinical psychologist once told me that it is not selfish to put my own needs first. Of course she was not saying that it is OK to be mean to other people (which you have not done as far as your neighbour is concerned).

She has made no effort to contact me. I was holding onto past threads in the hopes to have some message before my bankruptcy hearing, but nothing. At this point the money she lent me will be deducted from the emergency fare to get me to court. I hate to be this way. She sent a private donation for the care for my cat with no expectation for repayment. But out of the goodness of my heart I offered to pay her back.

Update:

Before I left this morning, I saw my neighbors car in the parking lot, when I got home, it was still there. She never went to work, it was just an excuse and she lied to me. I'm guessing she didn't care if I saw her car out there. I was hoping she would leave me a good luck note, but nope, not that either. So, there is something seriously wrong with her and I have to believe she's drinking again.

I am trying not to let this completely overwhelm me, seeing her car parked there and lying to me. Every day it's something she has done to be hurtful towards me. Now that my bankruptcy is done, there will be no further need to have any further contact with her.

Just wish I could find a way to help her but she has literally slammed the door in my face and is refusing help, so there is nothing more I can do.

Blue

As an alcoholic (8 years sober) the only I advice is I have to help the alcoholic is to not give up. They need help, they just don't know it yet. Don't be "in their face" but let them know that you will be there when they fall. Because, they will.

Dear Icehouse ~ Thank you for your reply *smiles*. I felt I needed to reach out here to this group at Neuro Talk because I needed help from those that have been thru AA and understand what I have been going thru as her caregiver (not official caregiver but self appointed depending upon her needs).

She has a large family, friends and AA supporters, but they don't see her day to day as I do and may not notice the changes that I have been observing. She can be very deceiving and convincing that she is okay to them, but not to me. I wanted to call her closest friend (whom I have the number to), but I am afraid of over-reaching and causing more rage to come down on me. I don't have the close friends to provide safety for me in the event she goes after me. I kinda feel she is very unsafe towards others right now if she can act out against me in the ways she has already done. That is why the only way to help myself is to keep away that I can think of. And yet, I sit in my apartment, like yesterday and looked out at her car that never moved and wonder if she is okay. I'm used to talk to her daily and seeing her several times a week and suddenly... no communication.

I think what I need from this group is to help me sort things out as I have never been faced with this before. Is there a unanimous tip line thru AA I can call to leave a message about her?

Blue

So, today her car is gone. This is her usual day to go to work, hoping she is okay.

Blue

I have no idea if AA has a "hot line", as I have not been to a meeting in over a decade, and odds are that I will never darken that doorway again...YMMV

Thank you Icehouse (( appreciation hugs ))

Blue

It's clear you care for your neighbor, and sadly, alcoholics are very good in taking advantage of that.


That doesn't mean you have to drop her entirely; she is not well, and yes, probably drinking again, while spending 110% of her mental energy to keep the plates spinning and avoid being caught or making fatal mistakes. An alcoholic in that state is infuriating, so it's OK to be angry and hurt by it all.



Just let her be for the time being; you can not change her ways, that has to come from (deep) inside her. She is pushing you away because she knows you know. And you have to protect your own safety and well-being. Keep in mind though that someone in this state doesn't mean it in a "personal" way to you: they are pulled down by their addiction. But... you don't have to accept it AND feel bad about it at the same time. You didn't make her this way, in fact, you were a good friend to her. So, for now, just keep your distance.



Consider being there for her when things really go south and/or get ugly. And that will happen, it always does. And by that time she will probably have ruined all relationships she has now. "Being there" means practical help, like calling an ambulance, or visiting her in hospital, or just talk smalltalk... Because in the end, it is an insidious condition, one you don't choose initially, and once it gets a hold on you, very very difficult to snap out of.



Never feel bad about caring, but know you can not force the change your neighbor needs. So don't feel bad about keeping your distance (for now) either. We owe it to ourselves to protect us. Empathy is a great thing, but it can be devastating when dealing with an addict, so be nice to yourself.

Thank you WideO for your great response.

Yes, I have felt many times I was being used. However, she could easily draw me in due to my own neediness and loneliness.

But she reached her "shelf life" with me and I was no longer going to let her abuse me and create trauma for me to experience. She directed all her loathing out at me and tha was when I walked away.

I have not heard from her for the last two weeks, but I do see her car going on a regular basis and I am assuming to work, and assuming she is able to keep up the facade, for now.

I don't think I will let her back into my life again. I have given her soo many chances over the past almost 2 years and we keep going back to this experience.

Another neighbor recently tried to commit sui*ide here, one of my neighbors. I swung in to help prevent this from happening, called 911 and am now being persecuted by her friends for getting the law involved. So, I am stepping away from all the needy people who live in my building. I have this terrible need to run towards danger to help and protect those in need, but every single time, I put my own life in jeopardy. So, I am working with myself now to recognize I can no longer do this anymore, especially at my age. It's entirely too triggering to me to be this vulnerable.

So, thank you for responding to me with such valued responses ((( hugs ))). I'll come back if she surfaces again to talk more.

Blue

Hi Blue,

This sounds a little like co-dependency to me, but I could be wrong. When I was attending CR meetings at a local Church there appeared to be a large number of people who wrestled with this.

You recognize this issue so that is an excellent step... :)

Thank you Icehouse. Did not realize this could be co-dependency. Will look it up.

Her car is gone today. This is her usual day to go to work. So, she appears to be functioning. But then when I was binge drinking, I worked full time and no one knew, because I drank at night alone. Stopped drinking May 1987. I never felt the need to attend AA groups, I did this all on my own.

Blue