G's Thread
 

Well, my diagnosis is unspecified bipolar, so it's not technically bipolar, but I've had some experience with clinically recognized elevated moods. My full history of treatment can be read next, but if you just want to see how I'm doing today, you can skip all that and read today's update here, since there doesn't seem to be a group check-in here as of yet. Thanks for reading!

History---
So, I was started truly digging into my problems end of 2016 with therapy. It was recommended that I do see someone who could prescribe meds though because I had gotten to a point of extreme anxiety and depression and couldn't even productively get through a session. So I saw an NP at first. We tried antidepressant and an anti anxiety med for my symptoms. I was doing better and continued therapy. At some point though, I was suggested to try a medicine for ADHD. I remember having poor concentration, and just the way I spoke to my therapist, she had thought ADHD (I was thinking bipolar2). Anyway, so we tried Intuniv. It made me really uncomfortable. I was desperately needing to shake my legs to calm my restlessness to no avail and I had spent the entire night awake with racing thoughts. I was so very tired and yet I couldn't sleep. I was very concerned. I honestly can't remember the details, but I took myself off of that, but I was still very much concerned there was something more to my moods. And I was gathering all of my possible life experiences for my therapist and my NP. The NP saw me in my "manic" state. I mean, I can even recall saying something about how nice she was and very caring in like a super excitable voice like, "oh, you know, you are really nice and cool and stuff!" She gave me the diagnosis of bipolar and we tried Latuda to help with sleep. I liked that, except I had to take it right before bed because it knocked me right out and mostly the problem was the expense. So we tried something else. But around that time, the NP was beginning to think I wasn't suffering from bipolar, I mean maybe yes, but maybe it was something else, like borderline maybe, so she got me an actual pdoc. Meanwhile, I was going through the process of getting ready for a psych evaluation next door. It took them months to finally get me in. And at that point I was diagnosed with G AD, traits of dependant personality disorder, and "unspecified bipolar currently presenting with a depressed episode". Yes, because at that point, I was dropping. Anyway, basically, unspecified bipolar means it's not bipolar but one experiences clinically recognized elevated moods. So I've been back and forth wondering what exactly this means for me and have been posting in both the depression and bipolar forums now. I had gotten off of my mood stabilizer, which was Abilify after the Latuda, end of last Spring, because I wasn't feeling anything really with it, just conti used depression and my depression was being made worse by the weight I was gaining. So I got off that. Have been doing better ever since. Oh, and I subsequently quit both therapy and psychiatry and my GP took over prescribing my AD and Clonazepam (anti anxiety med) But then this year, I had a couple of times, once a month, where my mood would elevate. So I was trying to see if others had experienced similar things as me. I then started to actually feel what I think normal would feel like...

the past few days, my mood had been dropping again...




Today's update---

Today my mood is getting back to my "normal".

So, I observed that it took me 3.5hours with no breaks to go through most of my regular online routine this morning. That's crazy! And that doesn't even include FB or a couple of other forums (although they don't update as much). So, to counter this, I decided to try to stay offline for that same amount of time. Well, I think I did pretty good. Not quite 3.5, but 3 hours is still good. My prior record was 2hrs (while awake and not on vacation), so there's improvement. Still haven't managed to get 3 hours of work in yet though. (cooking doesn't count), um, but I've got a few other things I could still do today...if cooking doesn't take up the rest of my time. geez! it just might!...Well, my self imposed lunch break is about over, so I have to stop writing now.

I was actually able to read thru your post.
thanks for sharing.....
I am dealing with my own mania at the time being.
I am sorry I can't be more supportive of you.
others will come along...like I said this is a quiet forum.
((((((hugs))))))
bizi

((((((((((( hugs ))))))))))
I'm not feeling very chatty, I hope others have more to add :D

Do you like cooking? :)

What are your hobbies aside from being online? :D

I like music, reading, other stuff...
:grouphug:

I hope you feel better soon :)
(((((((((((( hugs )))))))))))))))

Uhh, I have a love/hate relationship with cooking so...

But I like music too. Um, knit and crochet, reading-If it peaks my interest ( so not a lot) and...yeah I don't really know because I feel like I suck at everything or it gives me a pain. :/ Maybe writing...writing letters to people. ;)

Oh, I like tv and movies!

Was posting this earlier and got distracted.

So I had a pretty good day too! Got stuff done and then went to visit "my" kitties. (Oh they're so cute and my buddy, "Graybee" was like cuddling with me on my coat while we watched Netflix. ;) Then I came home and cooked and now I just finished eating. Yummy! Also, watching Nancy Drew right now, a favorite show. :)

Kittys are such a comfort!
bizi

Hi, GeeLuv,

Would you say that recently (with your current medications) you have elevated moods?

Are these moods a problem for you?



M

Honestly, I've had some elevated moods in the past couple of months, but most of it is positive. I have been productive and haven't been sleeping all day and feel happy and confident...the only issues are when I don't sleep as much as I need and these are typically due to racing thoughts, anxiety, and possibly just from being online too much. I've been taking measures to help with that though. The honestly part is that I'm not sure if these current mood elevations are high enough to even be considered as even hypomania. I've been talking to a lot of folks with unipolar depression and they can experience similar sounding highs, especially after being depressed for so long and/or if incorporating dieting (fasting) or increased exercise into the mix. So, I don't know. But I've gotten much support on my issues from the bipolar community over the past few years that I am posting here (as well as in the depression forums). Hope you can understand that.

Hi,


Does exercise help?

In what ways does fasting work for you?



M

I'll answer quickly, but then I really need to go and start my day.

JOURNAL UPDATE-------

(This morning's update is that I slept until 1pm and I don't even go to bed that late either!! So, off to a bad start, IMO. Don't get to spend as much time on the internet this morning...although maybe that's a good thing. Lol)

CONTINUED ANSWER--------

So, when I was fasting, I couldn't sleep as well or for as long because I was too hungry or I just didn't need it (apparently you need less sleep when fasting, or so I've heard). It worked in that I was able to jump start weight loss again after struggling so much. But I got my period and stopped and tried starting again, but then I got sick and blah blah blah, haven't exactly done it again since.

Exercise can be an excellent mood booster as well as help with sleep quality and quantity (if needed). Unfortunately when I was in my anxious state a few years back, I began to worry about injuring myself during workouts (ie falling off the treadmill or dropping weights on my toes or I dunno. You get the picture). Then I got depressed and was already out of practice and just could not get much motivation to work out. Finally after lots of "encouragement" and the right interests I was having at the time (yoga, flexibility challenges) I decided I could start with that, some floor exercises where I could basically sit on my *** or stand with little or less intensity and still burn some calories, maintain strength and get back to being flexible again like I was in my "prime" years (I quote prime because while I was fit in some ways, I think I'm more fit now in other ways...like strength or at least healthier strength practices). Yeah, think that sums it up!

Well, I overslept and was still tired but probably needed it because I guess I didn't sleep until after 2:30am...that's kinda late. And fingernail picking was keeping me up. Sigh! and I think I had some unpleasant dreams, but I must be repressing them because I only get glimpses and negative feelings. :/ Going to try to make the most of today though!


wanted to see the kitties again today and watch Lucifer. Looks like I'm not going to get time. :/

This might not make a lot of sense because I'm copying and pasting different thoughts throughout the day and distracted as I compile all this. oops!

google excoriation disorder....
bizi

Bizi-
Eek! No, not just excoriation disorder, but the path it led me down to severe paronychia. (the images) While I think I've had paronychia in the past, lately I've only had the inflammation or swelling (no buildup or extreme pain/no infection) and it's already healing. Anyway, the images are gross...especially on an empty stomach this morning!! Thing is, while yes, I do pick at cuticles sometimes, I have more of this disorder-onychotillomania. It's similar to nail biting, only I use other fingernails to pick at the nails... (not sure how detailed we're allowed to get). Anyway, unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be as much information about this as other similar types of OCD like behaviors. :/ Digging a little deeper now. ;)

Oh! I forgot I was digging. Well, I really didn't get much farther. Like I said, it's not very common. I'm on another forum and they don't let me talk about it in detail as they consider it self harm, but it's more of a compulsion to fix not harm in my case. I think the hair twirling bit might actually be more harmful than the nail stuff as the friction might be what's causing sores...but they didn't edit that. Anyway, I'd never had known there was even a name for this had I not made that mistake though. I was better with it since that night though. It's weird why it happens though. I don't think I was particularly anxious or anything that night...maybe I should try to find an appropriate forum on this site for this discussion, but so far I haven't gotten much feedback since it is rare.
Speaking of excoriation, I thought it wasn't as much a problem, but maybe it is! I noticed just as soon as I finished typing that last post I was the cuticles again. :/

Anyway,

Not a very eventful day.

Woke up early but took a nap. Made and ate lunch, but it wasn't enough for dinner...but I wanted to go visit the kitties and watch Lucifer on Netflix, so I did. Then had to scrounge together something for dinner. Hopefully it won't make me sick cuz it was leftovers. I feel ok at the moment. I really hope we can get pizza tomorrow and at my favorite place! I'm crazy craving it!!

Mood: okay

Yoga can be great. I worked for me for a long time until it didn't.

I've not done a fast but I limit my food to the late afternoon / evening.




M

Well, I guess I must just be enjoying life too much right now to be up to posting much. Lol Good right? I'm super excited about this new (newly discovered) show I started looking into the day before yesterday and watching it last night. I was afraid it might scare me, and it still might later on, but im super curious about it. I really enjoy one of the actors in it. And there's still another show i need to finish, but i ended the season I was on, so I figure it's a decent breaking point. All of this I have to watch at my parents place because I don't have Netflix, so I basically get another week to enjoy this until they return and take back their tv. I'm also enjoying the company of their kitties ("my" kitties I say because I adore them like they're my own). They've 2 baby boys, Graybee and Blackie (not real names). One is very shy, Blackie, but he comes around for special treats lol and occasionally let's me pet him till he purrs. And then there is Graybee, the extrovert. Lol He's super affectionate and my pal.

What else? We cooked a special meal tonight which was very tasty, and I finally got my pizza yesterday. Pretty good weekend I'd say. So I'm gonna share my good vibes with all of you now.

Hugs

my picking gets worse when I am hypomanic.
Do you normally live alone?
bizi

Hmm interesting. I'm picking right now and it's annoying as he'll but so are my jagged nails! Not sure I'm hypo though. But I'm not really anxious either...or maybe I am.

No, don't live alone. I'm married. :) not sure where I said it but yesterday hubby told me to stop twirling. Maybe I didn't say it was him. Anyway, surprised he noticed. Maybe he'll some day understand why I wanna cut my hair...at least trim 2 or so inches. :P ...he might never notice the nails, although I'm kinda surprised since I was making noise in the quiet bed that one night. Hmm

Did I get that right?
You have to ask to get your hair cut?
bizi

Sigh! Not exactly. He just prefers long hair and isn't shy about saying so.

I should add, I prefer it too, but it clearly annoys me. And the thing is, with shorter hair, it can always grow out. With longer hair, well, I mean I certainly don't want to be sitting on it, so there isn't much more it can do. It's boring! Lol

I guess I was responding to that amount, just 2 inches!
long hair you can curl, wrap, put up, braid, etc.
bizi

Lol how did I know you were gonna say that? Well, I don't do much with my long hair. I'm pretty lazy. The most I do is part and comb it or put it in a ponytail or a looped like ponytail. :P

Re the picking and the twirling -- Is it part of anxiety?

Could medications help?



M

I'd get it trimmed, I personally have to get mine trimmed soon. I am getting it dyed again on Friday by Meluvja my d-in-law. It is really weird mine started growing after my breast cancer.

I honestly dont know. I'm trying to pay more attention the reasons why, but I'll also talk to my doctor about it and possible medications.

My sleep is all goofy. I go to bed late and can manage to wake up early, but when I sleep at an earlier hour, I oversleep. Or is this just my way of compensating? I wish I could just have a normal schedule, but there are just too many variables that happen in a night that determine the amount of sleep I need...or am I just being stubborn? One person has told me I should get up same time every day no matter what (Well, obviously not if I'm very sick or up all night for something). Is that smart? Or do I just have enough of a disturbance on a regular basis that this is just impossible? I really don't know. Feel free to share your two cents or if you have more questions...

I take a lot of meds to sleep and usually I sleep ok.
last night I was sleeping off and on....
I get from 6-8 hours of sleep a night.
I suggest you make yourself a planner and stick to what you have planned for the day. and if you don't have any plans then make plans. Plan for physical excercise. meals etc.
good luck! sorry it is so hard for many of us to get good sleep.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Thanks a lot. I mean, I know this is good advice, but I am pretty terrible about making plans ahead of time. I mean, I can make rough plans, but the details happen the day of. I don't know why it's so hard for me to think ahead...maybe because I'm always playing catchup? And I just get tired and want to zone out at the end of the day. Plus, I'm even worse with writing things down. I mean, I started to do "to do" lists, again the day of, but it's not consistent nor does it fill up my day or do I get everything I SHOULD do and rather spend hours zoning out on the internet. (Sorry if I trigger you there) On that note, time to go...but just one more post! I promise! (Yea, sure. That's what I always SAY :P)

I actually made chilli it was a spontaneous decision while I was at the grocery store, saw a mix then I was in the tomatoes isle and the directions sounded easy enough then realized that I did not have any ground beef. so went to whole foods for that and to pick up jeff some beer because he did not have any.
take care.
bizi

Your both doing good. Keep up the good work you too. I think just working
Through which site like Bizi did is how to.do it

DONNA

Hi,

Some people have a regular sleep schedule.
Apparently, there are health benefits.

Better Sleep Starts by Waking Up at the Same Time Daily

I cannot do it.


Do you feel that you are getting enough sleep most nights?


M

. . . . .

Tried to delete this message.


Sorry.

That's a good question Mari! I mean, even if I wake up tired, lately a cup of coffee fixes that. But there are definitely some days when I feel way too tired, like obviously days where I've gotten like less than 8hrs of sleep or if ive woken up too frequently in the night. When I was depressed, I'd sleep 12 to 13 hours and still feel tired...thats kinda why I started coffee again...

I know i always need at least 8 to 10 hours of sleep. So I try to get to bed by midnight. Because if I don't I don't get the sleep I need.

I feel like I have so much to update on, but I keep forgetting to do it here and get sucked into other random threads. Not like that's a bad thing, but I feel I should have more organization.

Now that I'm here though, I don't know what to say!

I mean, I'm prompted by things like my picking OCD stuff, and I checked out a FB group and got one suggestion (regular manicures and keeping fingers moisturized), but I'm not sure if that will work or if I...well, I mean it's winter and I'm just so dry. I was also advised that if or when I tell my hubby, to be prepared with literature on the subject. Wish we had a working printer though!

Anyway, something else, Uhhh, the diabetes scare. Well no, I haven't been diagnosed and it doesn't run in my family (although my mom's oldest sis did just get it. Eek! But that's our first case). As I said in another thread, hubby worries because it runs in his family and he knows what a pain it is and he sees my sedentary lifestyle and the fat, particularly around my midsection (not that he's not attracted to me still, but he worries). So, I'm meant to soon get tested for these things, but I've already got an appointment for other testing and it's in the afternoon and so it'd be hard to fast, plus I'm afraid of them taking too much blood at once. Anyway, so now I've gotta make another appointment. Stress!

Um, what else is going on? I'm trying to be better with my internet time. I seem better and yet I'm still on as much time as before probably. I mean, it's strange. Seems I'm checking threads less and if I sleep in late, well I don't have as much time in the morning...and I've pretty much stopped reading my FB timeline and just focusing on a few specific posts...but I suppose some threads I do visit, or posts on Twitter, lead me down that proverbial rabbits hole and I spend more time with that. Like for instance, I follow a 90s nostalgia thread and one post got me thinking about a tv show from back then and then I realized one of my present celebrity obsessions was in that and so I had to go watch that, or at least part of it, and then I had to go share the news among our fangroup... Sigh!

Well, this is enough for now, I think. I also need to get back to peeling garlic and ginger for our homemade ginger/garlic paste for tonight's dinner so...im off for now! :D

Ok, so I'm kinda disturbed at the moment by this particular season of a show I started watching...guess it illuminates some fears for me. I ugh, expressed my fear to someone online and they said the show isn't that bad. But see, this is from the male perspective and now I'm a little scared that I shared my fear. I dunno. Hopefully I'll get over it. I've been Googling all night trying to find ways to overcome fear. I feel a little bit better now...

Oh! but what brought me to this forum was to admit that while watching the show, I was engaging in my picking "ocd" thing again (for those who haven't read it yet, I haven't officially been seen nor diagnosed about this yet since it's really only been concerning since this year/couple of months). Anyway, so I suppose fear, which is kinda anxiety, right (?) is a trigger for my obsessive compulsive tendencies.

On a happier note, got to see my precious kitties again and shy Blackie was hovering around me even more again tonight. I realize that I might only be loved because I give out treats, lol, but this was even before that and after as well! <3 <3 <3 Too bad I can't live with him and possibly help him completely overcome his shyness...I suppose he's better with my folks too, but I know he still even gets jumpy with them. He won't even play with his toy on a string because it scares him! :( um...well, that wasn't a very happy ending....

How about this- does anyone else know someone who's smile just lights up their day?? They can be people you know or people you don't (like celebrities). I have a few and I just think of those happy smiles and it warms my heart! Happy smiles (and hugs) to all who need them/want them!! :)

maybe you shouldn't watch the show. dealing with fear is so hard! so much stress. I am glad you saw the kitties. How old are they?
bobby

Yea I might not even get the time to finish although I got the gist of the plot anyway and was trying to prepare myself with some of the worst scenes, but not all are online. (You know, exposure therapy??...but yea, maybe I don't NEED to see all that so much. I think it's healthy to be disturbed somewhat, right? I mean, it makes us human!)

Anyway, the good stuff-kitties!!!!! Actually, I'm not really sure, t bh. They got Graybee when he was 2, I think, and that was maybe 5plus years ago?? Blackie they got a few years after at 2...but it seems like they've had him for almost 5 years already now, so... they're somewhere between 7-9, I'd guess. They still act so young though, I think. :)

they sound so sweet. I think that enough bad things happen that you should just try to find pleasant things like the kitties or reading books with happy endings. I must admit I watch too much news that is disturbing.
bobby