I'm failing as a mom......
 

My daughter (adopted, bipolar) is 9 years old, and I'm totally failing her. I just don't know what to do. She took up lying just recently, and starting today she's "decided" to start cursing. For the past year she's been stealing like crazy, no matter what punishment we give.
I've recently come to realize that I micro-manage her life. She's suffered so much, that I try too hard for her not to have hard knocks. I know now that she will have to, as that's part of living. It's just that kids can be so cruel ... you know. :(
Thing is, my trying to prevent heart-ache has totally back-fired. She doesn't understand anything, and she's become - for lack of a better word - a total brat. Although I NEVER give in to these, she has learned to throw tantrums, etc., NOT to get her way but attention. All we do is give her attention, to the point that the neighborhood kids know me and play alongside us both, so it isn't like she doesn't get attention.
Anybody who didn't know us well would certainly presume that either I have no character or have not tried to instill values in her, but I do! When she's 'okay,' or often more-like manipulating, she turns on the charm. She does things exactly as I've taught her. But when she's having one of her bad days, we tell her no, or we turn our back, she's doing every trick in the book.
I'm painting her as some terrible child, and really, she isn't. If you met her, most likely the word "sweet" would definitely come up. I'm not blaming her; I'm blaming me. Somewhere along the lines, I messed up, and now I don't know how to regain control.
HOW do I know when it's bipolar, or when it's being a brat? Can bipolar disguise itself as brat-like behavior? The doctor stated that, while they might not be able to control their emotions, bipolars do have the ability to choose right from wrong. So why does mine insist on wrong?
Please feel free to post on here or write me. Don't be afraid to make me mad, as long as it truly is constructive ANSWERS. I don't want to continue allowing her to act this way; it will make for a much more miserable child.

Dear Jennifr,

I'm not a mom but I have been in the bipolar world since I was in my mid-twenties. I am grateful that I did not have to deal with this as a child. Having bipolar is very confusing for an adult and in my imagination must be a terrifing thing for a child to go through. She is lucky that she has you as mom to care for her.

First thing: if you have not already done so, run out and beg, borrow, steal, or order a copy of The Bipolar Child by Demitri F. Papolos, M.D. and Janice Papolos. The book might help you to understand your daughter.
Here is the authors' web site: http://www.bipolarchild.com/articles.html

Also, go to www.bpkids.org for the Child and Adolescent Bipolar Foundation.

IF she has bipolar, punishment doesn't help. She needs to get properly medicated, good sleep, and a good family plan to help her stay steady.

I don't think that you messed up. Bipolar is an illness. This is not your fault.

This is probably out-side my ability to answer as I am not a parent, but I suspect that childrent with bp, like adults with bp, need a lot more consideration and patience that the average person. . . especially if the medication is not working.

I'm going to take a stab at this one also while we wait for someone more knowledgeable about children to show up here:
The doctor answered this already. She knows, according to him, but she cannot control herself. She's not choosing the behavior and and she is not insisting on it. She cannot help herself.

How often do you see the pyschaitrist? How often do you telephone him between visits? Does he know that about her behavior and has he made recent adjustments in the meds?
What does your daughter tell you is going on? How does she describe what is happening?

I hope that things improve for you and for her.
Mari

Jennifer

I am Donna and Mari hit a lot of it on the head.

The thing is that a bipolar child doesn't have a clue that they are doing a lot of the things they are. You and a lot of society are sure that she is doing this because she wants to manipulate you. But she isn't, she really has no clue that she is doing it.

First, go out to a local library and see if they have the book that Mari suggested, its very good. There are some others that are very good too.
I'm going to do some research and see if I can locate there names.

Next, besides a psychiatrist, she also needs a psychologist to show her how
to work with her disorder. And to work through her mood swings, and you too. So please find a good children's psychologist that knows a lot about bipolar disorder. And do me another favor see if you can locate a support group that is for either mental health or bipolar in particular for parents of kids. This is what will do you the most good. It will be other parents that
have gone through the same things.

And also see if there is a local NAMI group. They have many different groups,
and they do lots of trainings.

Now also it might do you both some real good after she has done some individual therapy for you to do some family therapy.

And there is no such thing as a brat or a bad child. YOu have a very high spirited child. So go with it and continue asking and looking for help.

Also we have a child health area, that is a little more active, please come post there too.

Donna

:hug: jennifer. i'm glad you found us.

you know, what you said about "brat behavier"...ALL kids can have that. it just the part of kids that haven't learned how to deal or cope with new emotions. so they tend to act out. more out of frustration.

then you toss in the pre-teen girl thing...and you daughter has a lot to deal with. so do you.

i think you are an awesome mom to have sought out the help for her and got a dx! bipolar... it is an illness. so many kids get left un dx'ed and untreated.

My son is autistic, things are always going to be difficult for us, we understand that, and just do our best to make that little ten year old happy, he'll be eleven soon enough then twelve, then comes thirteen. It's so easy to get wrapped up in the wrong things some times, you know? Be really hard on ourselves for what we see as conflicts our kids have with us and others. I know my son is barely able formulate the intent, but he has done it on more then just one occassion. :D

I just wanted to post and ask you to not be so hard on yourself, it's not the answer, but it sounds like you're already giving it what it needs to get resolved. Time. I know it's hard, but if you've got a dx to work with, just keep on keeping on and doing your best. That can lead to better times and bigger things. Stay strong Jennifer, and welcome to Neurotalk. :)

Jennifer,

I'm glad that you are able to see that your daughter has bipolar. When I was reading the things that she does, I could see what my sister use to do when she was young. It's just that my parents couldn't see the problems with bipolar at that time. Maybe it's because they were too busy worrying about my epilepsy at that time.

Since nothing was done to help my sister, her daughter now has bipolar and it started at a younger age. My sister and her daughter can no longer get along with one another. My niece is now pregnant and the father doesn't even know that she's pregnant. Along with that, she doesn't have a job and still wants to keep the baby. She even quit taking her meds so her bipolar is just making things worse.

My sister still won't accept that she has bipolar, but anxiety runs on my fathers side of the family and my sister has been having migraines for quite some time. Now that she's taking paxil for panic attacks, that should also calm down the migraines. I'm sure the doctor will do some testing on the bipolar also.

My sister also threw temper tamtrums when she was young. If things didn't go her way and my parents sent her to her room, she got mad and through things at the walls until she started crying. I now wish that my parents had done something more for her. They just didn't realize that this was a real problem and that something more needed to be done. My mother is finally beginning to accept the fact now that there was more of a problem than what they though back then.

I'm glad that you are looking into doing something more for your child. The earlier you can start, the sooner this can be worked on and, hopefully, she'll have a better life than what my sister and niece went through.

Becky

I have an adopted bipolar child as well, only today she is a young adult. She wasn't particularly prone to lying when she was younger, although she did have a lot of problems with impulsivity, hyperactivity and moodiness...among other issues. I would also describe her as "sweet." She really has a good heart. AND, I also struggle with the idea that if she knows the difference between right and wrong, why does she chose wrong so frequently? In our case, I think it is largely an issue of impulsivity. At times, I think she also had some problems with entitlement. But that impulsivity really trumped it all.
And the difficult thing with her being adopted, trying "tough love," on these kids sometimes confuses them. They think they are unwanted and fear abandonment.

Very generally speaking, medication and therapy was of help to her. This took a lot of effort and ongoing care.

Consequences for misbehavior was a part of her learning process. Speaking again very generally....we did make sure there was some consequence for poor decisions. We often did not lower the boom (just an expression) on her as we might for another child who did not suffer from her affliction. We tried to make the connection clear. However, we avoided giving her a "pass." IMHO, the laws of cause and effect need to be demonstrated and upheld. (Believe me this is all draining, complicated, confusing and difficult).

Please make sure you take special care of yourself and your relationship with your spouse (or significant other...whatever the case might be). It is highly, big time doubtful that you messed up in any way. All you can do is get help from the experts and keep moving forward. Having a child with special needs is taxing on the mind, spirit, body and soul. My heart goes out to you.

p.s. That book, The Bipolar Child, was my lifeline when my daughter was little. It gives top notch advice on meds, school, life at home...it all. It's really a must!!!! If you don't have it already, I would get it as soon as possible.