My brother
 

*************** Please use care when reading ***************






My baby brother (the father my my boy that I'm raising since just before his second b'day) is not doing well again.

When he called me and said they key words that we'd agreed to, my heart literally dropped to my knees...in unmeasurable fear and unspeakable sadness.

I immediately flashed back to when he did succeed. I say "succeed" because he was actually "gone to this world" for a while and they didn't know how he'd wake up due to prolonged lack of oxygen.

I remember his waking up and my immediate joy. He was OK! Then I remember the absolute CRUSH of his extreme anger and disappointment that he did wake up. Reality hit me at that moment, I think.

So, while he's kept his promise to me by telling me (or someone) before it reaches that point again, I can't escape the fear and concern... At times like this I pray that I can escape the almost hatred I feel toward those that hurt him so much.

KD

It's so sad to know that people are hurting so deeply inside that they feel the need for such extreme action.:(
Just so sad for all that feel that way.
Peace and blessings for your whole family.

Thank you (((((( Jo ))))))

It is hard...

KD

man kimmy i am sorry.

what are your plans since he has shown intent now? intervention?

Alffe and I are on Michigan St. in Chicago, and sending your our love and prayers.

(((((((((((((((KD)))))))))))))):(

I do hope there is a plan to help him

I am praying for him, and for you too Kimmy

so many burdens you have had to bear. you only have human shoulders and I pray that you have others who can help now too. :grouphug:

14 years ago, this past May, he made his first and most serious attempt...the one I referred to above.

He made me a promise then, and actually signed his name to that promise, that he would tell someone with the words, "I need to go to the hospital" or "I might need to go to the hospital soon." It's how I and my mother know. He won't ask for specific help there, so he says those words.

However, he's also made other statements that know one would know, etc.

I have to stand on this...he's kept his promise all these years though difficult for him to do so. Three other times he's called me and said, "I need to go to the hospital" and he has. They always immediately admit him due to history...last time was for weeks, not the 72 hour hold...

I have to trust him now as well...

Also, he's been less suicidal since his boy's been born, so I will continue to discuss his boy with him as I need to.

Right now it's watch and see.

I appreciate the care. :)

KD

Thank you cheri, and thank you alffe and doody for the prayers and thoughts.

No, there's really no one else...everyone in our family, and extended, are maxed out with HUGE things right now...including me...

Thanks again so much.

I'll be praying for you and your brother. I'll be praying for your entire family.
May God hold you and keep you.

Dear KimmyDawn,
I'm very sorry to read about your brother. :hug:
I take it that when he phones you and says that then he's about to take himself to the hospital? It's really a good thing that he's willing to call you and let you know how badly he's feeling despite how sad his situation is right now... it shows and tells you that he really doesn't want to feel so badly. Not that anyone does want to feel that way, it's just very difficult for some people to actually tell someone else and to ask for help.
I hope you've heard from him since you wrote your first post and that he's gone for help and you know where he is now. Shocking worry for you all there, KD.
Thinking of you and your brother and your family.
I hope that a plan has been put into place and that he's gone to the hospital for help.

He's maintaining.

He was very upset and had been spiraling. Sometimes he's able to grab a focus and hold onto it and that's what he's so good at doing. It's helped him many times.

When he goes, I'm the one who takes him. He needs a support with him but also he doesn't drive...lost license many years ago.

He's promised, and has kept that promise, that if it gets too much he'll let me know.

It's sad that once I asked him, "Are you suicidal?" and his response was, "A better question is to ask me if I'm not. It's my out, my feel-good for a moment when I don't have answers."

He began suicidal ideation at a very young age and it's almost incorporated into him as a coping mechanism...to get through.

He does fully KNOW now that he's very loved. He didn't believe that before and that's where my focus stays when he's feeling badly.

Thanks so much y'all. He's maintaining.

KD

Kimmy, you are an angel, for the support you show him! Speaking personally, that can speak volumes. The quoted parts of your post below really caught my attention, and hit home!

Thank you for posting this, Kimmy! I'm so sorry he is having such a hard time, but glad to hear he is maintaining! I can really relate to this!

~Kimmy

kimmydawn,

Please check your PMs...I just sent you one. {{HUGS}},Kristin :grouphug::hug::grouphug::hug:

(((KimmyD))) How well I understand the "stinkin thinkin" ....it's my out. I used to think, it's my ace in the hole...when I can't stand one more minute of my life I'll just end it. And then Michael did that to us and took away my "out".

When you live with the aftermath of a loved ones suicide..any thoughts of doing the same, just goes out the window.

I'm so glad you have this open communication with him and I'm sure you've told him that it will also kill your chances for a happy life if he does this.

I've said it time and again...if someone is hell bent on ending their lives, there really isn't anything, short of locking them away forever, to stop them. They cannot hold loved ones hostage to that threat....but they can be reminded of the love you have for them...over and over. And I know that you do.

My doctor said to me...."Call me before you do something stupid!"

Warm hugs and love. Alffe

Thank you so much (((((((( everyone )))))))))))

Alffe...

Yes! This is what I was trying to put down and couldn't word well. You almost quoted what he said to me.

David then referred to his boy, my little david, and said his birth took that away from him.

Yes.

Alffe, I'm so sorry you understand, but blessed that you share to help and comfort. You succeeded today. :)

I appreciate you all so much!

He's better in that he's found something that clicks for him in his mind... I'll work on healing while he's putting all eggs into one basket at the moment. I'll take that and offer him more baskets. :)

Love y'all!

KD

Dear KimmyDawn,
I hope that your brother is doing better than he was when you first posted.
Thinking of you all!

:hug:

Each morning I wonder, hope and pray that all is well for you and your brother.

(((Kimmy))) prayers going up from Iowa. :hug:

((((((( hugs ))))))))

He's doing much better. He's found a focus again. :)

I'm just so proud of him that he reaches out now and allows others to care for him and keep him safe when he feels he can't, or even loathes to.

His boy really helps him there as well and I had him come over yesterday when little man's teachers came for a visit prior to school starting on Monday. He and his boy played airplanes, and had lots of soul to soul contact. I CHERISH seeing the "I can't explain what, but beautiful" that I see in my brother's eyes when he looks at his son sometimes. He loves him so much, so much that he sacrificed for him to have all...in a well-rounded and safe way.

Thank you so much everyone. You're blessings to me.

Kd

aww... that's good he's doing better, KD.

You're amazing.

I know it must be a sacrifice for your brother. My father did the same with me when my mother died when I was very little. I went to live with his sister and her family... only she wasn't as nice as you LOL. groan/grrr

It must have been exceptionally difficult for my father I'm sure. I didn't ever think about that when I was little. Now I can though. It's good sometimes to look at things from the other side.

:hug:

(((((((((((((((( lara ))))))))))))))))))

Yes, I can imagine it was painful for your father...and YOU.

My brother knows he has stability here (never moving, his own room, good toys and needs for today, puter, etc), but he knows he also has stability in the realm that there is no fighting, no rages, no inappropriateness that would confuse or scare small children, etc.

He wanted his boy to have "everything" and asked me if I would raise him like I did my daughters...not too much but plenty, going to school everyday, not going to 30 schools by the time he's out of grade school, consistency without rages, etc.

I've done my absolute best. David's having a hard time with the new baby because he sees his mom as mom to the world. See, I kept telling him that my grandbaby wouldn't be my baby, but would be his mama's baby. That didn't help him because he was his mama's baby and still mine to raise and he knew it. He doesn't want to share and thinks I'm the "family mom". He's calming down a bit now as I've tried to be consistent. It's been hard. I want to grab up my precious, sweet grandson all throughout the day...and can't...lol.

You're in my thoughts and I appreciate you so much.

KD

((((KD))))

((((kimmydawn))))) it's great that you share a special bond with your brother. it really helps more than most people can fathom. i know this because i tried to kill myself over 13 years ago. somehow, it failed and i lived. i have not been suicidal ever since, even when i have been going through the worst depression i have ever experienced. despite the advances in medicine, there's no easy way in finding the right treatment for treatment-resistant depression. but, i hold on because i share a bond with my dog and 3 cats as well as my hubby. it keeps me going even when i'm feeling so hopeless. i know, it's been rough with having to help your brother and caring for family. i just wanted you to know that you have my support, too. wishing you and your brother the best.