I just don't know anymore....possible trigger
 

Hi all,
I have not been doing well the last couple days, as many of you know. But, yesterday and today have been the worst. I have zero motivation. My apartment is trashed, and I have been having trouble with my thoughts again. I have been thinking of hurting myself (don't worry, I won't at this point, and Laura is keeping a close eye on me, seeing me 4 times this week.) She is on call today, and is coming over to help me get some of my homework done because I really don't want this bout of depression to win like past bouts have. I just don't know how I am going to get there, but I will. I just don't want to quit school because I know that once I am feeling better, I may regret doing that.

I wrote a letter to my professor of children's literature, and told her a brief bit about my history and that I was struggling mentally right now and asked her for some help in being successful in class despite this huge setback for me. We'll see what that brings. Wellness and stress management I am not too worried about because there isn't that much work in those classes. I just don't want to do poorly in my class that matters, perse.

I have been dealing with physical manifestations of the depression and anxiety I am experiencing, and it is really getting to me. My migraines have flared up again full-force, and I just don't know what to do. I am in a vicious cycle right now. I don't want to eat, I can't sleep (even with medicine), and I can't bring myself to do my homework or housework.

I almost did something I would regret Saturday and didn't call the ACT crisis line, and was told that I should have. I did talk to a friend who talked me out of what I was thinking of doing, but I know that I should have called the crisis line. I will always do that now. I hate DEPRESSION with a passion!!! It is taking over my life once again, and I am about done dealing with it. I am ok, I have lots of support, but I just needed to vent here, as well. I am sorry if I have triggered anything for anyone,but I just had to get it out.

Please keep me in your thoughts, and if I don't post for a few days, its just because I am dealing with so much right now, both physical and emotional. I will read posts, so feel free to reply to this if you wish. I just hope I don't end up in the crisis center over this, because if I do, school is down the tubes for this semester..........Thanks for listening.

Biggest of hugs Kelly! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

How did your professor react to your letter? I always remember from college there were two kinds of professors...those who cared and those who didn't. I hope you have a kind professor that will work with you.

Hugs and I hope things get better soon!

Julie

i'm glad you posted kelly and reached out for support.

what classes are you taking? maybe some of the members here can help motivate you if they have taken the same subjects.

i am a big believer in baby steps. try not to worry about the big picture of your place being trashed. what could be a baby step? just look for any glasses to put in the dishwasher or sink? stack magazines?

we are listening...and here for you. hugs

Miz Curious is oh so right about baby steps. I could never handle this big house without doing a little at a time. I set my goals...say like, one load of laundry, load the dishwasher and use the beloved Swiffer! Next day maybe dust the blinds (omg how I hate these two inch blinds), another load of laundry and wet Swiffer where needed.

On the other hand, I don't mind my house messy...clean yes, but messy I just don't care.

That was a good idea about the letter. It shows that you're not only being responsible, but you take your studies seriously.

Curious is absolutely right about the baby steps. A half-dozen of those, and you've made a respectable leap. Take care, Kelly, and feel better...

Idealist

just checking in to leave you a ((((((kelly)))))
and to remind you...you have friends who care. :)

((((((((((((((((((Kelly))))))))))))))))))
 

I'm so sorry you're not doing well. :( But, glad you came here and talked about it. Hopefully it helps?

Keep us posted on how you're doing. I think it's GREAT how you wrote your professor that letter and asked for help. You know what YOU need. :o I hope your professor comes through for you...

Take care, Kelly. I'm sending healing thoughts, love and light your way.

Love, Sly

Sly,
The professor's response was very positive. She told me "I don't want anything to happen to you, so take care of yourself." "You are a very bright young woman, and you are doing fine in my class, so don't worry." She even said she'd accept my journal late because I didn't know if I was going to be able to get it done last night. (Somehow, I did, but I don't know how.)

Today I am doing a little better (right at the moment) The stupid psychiatrist did not change a darn thing with my medicine for anxiety, and they took my cogentin away awhile back and I think I need that again, but they don't and I was told I was looking for an out. Whatever that means? I am just depressed. In my opinion you shouldn't be a psych if you are going to say that.
It was only by my friend Julie that I was validated and she said "You need to do what's best for you, and if that means quitting school then so be it." Granted, I don't want to quit but if it means getting better, then I guess that's a chance I take. My other two professors don't really know me or want to, so that's the only professor I emailed but again, it is the class that matters really. I just wish the doctor would have listened and done something about my symptoms. The only trouble with ACT is that one must see that doctor to be in ACT. So I don't have a choice in who I see. Otherwise, act has been my salvation so I am not going to give it up.

After the doctor said that, I was about to overdose, but Julie was here. I just don't know. If I am by myself I don't know how I will feel.....or what I will do. Thank God someone has been with me the last few days. Even if the doctor doesn't, there are people who care about me, and i am seeing that both here and in my personal life. Thanks, friends!!! (hugs))

((( Kelly ))) I've been thinking about you and wishing you well

diet soda and aspartame can cause anxiety
i hope you get better