Coping With Loss
 

I don't visit this forum too much - usually stay on the MS Forum - but I thought I would post this. Hopefully it will help someone else.

I lost my husband in 2001 very suddenly and unexpectedly. It was a huge shock and it took me quite a while to get my bearings after that. I joined an online Grief Revocery Group. The online forum helped very much. The name of that forum is GROWW (www.groww.org). It helped me more than anything else. I also made some wonderful friendships from that group.

Then in 2005 I lost both of my parents - Dad in January and Mom in March. In October 2005 I was dx with MS. Needless to say 2005 was not my favorite year. My parents were elderly - 82 and 84 when they passed - so they had long enjoyable lives but both were in poor health when they passed away. I was fortunate enough to be with my Dad when he died - I was right beside him holding his hand. It was an experience like no other - I was so glad to have been with him yet so sad to have lost him. I was a "Daddy's Girl" my whole life and, in his eyes, I could do no wrong. Not true - but to him it was - and I loved him dearly. My Mom was in a nursing home for 10 years prior to her death and I didn't make it there in time to be with her when she passed - but she knew I loved her and we had a wonderful relationship throughout her life. We were friends as well as mother/daughter. I can only hope to be as good of a mother as she was.

Then in 2008 I lost my older sister, Susan. She passed away in January of this year - just a few weeks ago. She was only 58 and had early onset Alzheimer's. It was very hard to lose her but I know she is in Heaven looking down over us with Mom and Dad. And she is whole again - no more pain.

My reason for posting all of this is to possibly give some hope to those who are struggling with the loss of someone close to them - relative or friend. It's hard - probably one of the hardest things you'll go through. But it's survivable. You have to ask for help, though, if you feel you need it. There is no shame in that.

And it's OK to be angry. That's just part of the grieving process. I was - each time I lost a loved one it made me angry.

I'm no expert nor do I claim to have all the answers. What works for me might not work for someone else. But, it still hurts to lose someone and we have no choice but to go through the grieving process.

I hated it when people told me that time would help with the hurt. Time seemed like my enemy - just making me hurt more. But, it's true - it does ease up with time. You'll never "get over" it. But you will learn to adapt to the changes.

When you think about it we adapt to life's changes all the time. I had to adapt to the huge change MS made in my life. I also had to adapt to the change of facing that hurdle alone - without my husband to help me. But I had to and it's made me a stronger person.

Sorry to have rambled on for so long. My only goal in posting this is to help someone who might be having a hard time right now coping with the loss of a loved one.

Sorry to read about your losses. I can relate to you.

I first lost my brother age 46 in 1986, my mother (82) in 1996 my father
(84) in 2001 my sister (47) in 2001. The biggest hurt was when my
husband passed in 2006.

Time does seem to numb you to the lost. But when certain things happen
that sparks a memory it hurts all over again like it did the first time.

What has really helped me are my two children. Or should I say Adult
children. They are a part of him. So he does live on in life as well as spirit.

Joyce (also known as Jappy )

I'm sorry for all those you've lost, too, Joyce. Seems we have a lot in common when it comes to that....:(

I know what you mean about the "grief bursts" - they can hit quite hard sometimes and in the most confusing places, too. Sometimes I can't figure out what has triggered a memory but it happens and nothing I can do about it!

I hope you're doing well - I have two adult children, too, and they help keep me sane! :)

Kelly

Kitty,
thankyou for posting your very kind thoughts and feelings, i am almost lost for words for the loss you have gone through. my heart goes out to you at this time, i'd give you the biggest hug in the world just to let you know we are all here for you but i hope you find comfort in my ikle reply. tc
steash

Hi Kelly~ I read this thread when you first posted it and felt the need to revisit. I usually pass the Grief Forum by; maybe b/c if I don't stop and read, well~ then I don't have to confront my feelings.

You already know that I lost both my parents w/in 3 1/2 yrs, w/Mom just last June. We did so much together. She was my shopping buddy, my phone buddy and just amazing in so many ways. My DH considered her his Mom too.

I can't believe how much I still miss her. Time was supposed to fix that, right? I miss my Dad too, but when he passed, we still had Mom, and she held us together *5 kids and families*

I'm not angry, just still feel so much sadness w/o her.

Guess I just needed to vent that.

And, Kelly~ I know how much you have lost; and you always show so much strength and poise. I'm sure it hasn't been an easy ride for you either. Thanks for listening.

:hug: DM :hug:

I think about my Mom, Dad, husband (and now my sister :() every day. Not a day goes by that I don't miss them. My parents were elderly and had full, happy lives. While I still miss them terribly I guess I came to terms with their death more than I did with my husband and sister. They were both young - in the prime of their lives. I just don't understand.

I guess my faith that I will see them again in Heaven keeps me going. Some days are harder than others - I don't know why. Some days I can look at pictures and remember the things we all used to do and be OK and others I just sob over the fact that they are not here with me.

I'm so sorry for your losses :hug: even though with time the pain is dulled it's never gone. Like you, I'm over the "angry" stage - I just feel the sadness of having so many taken from me. But, I guess that just means we have compassionate hearts. Take care, DM, and know that I can relate very much to what you're feeling.

Joyce, Kelly and Daisy,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I sometimes feel I am the only one that can't move forward from my grief. I know all about the spurts and memories that trigger my uncontrollable emotions. I see a very nice Christian therapist and feel it helps some but when things keep coming at you, it does make it more difficult to move on. Or at least, it seems that way for me.

I do try to be more aware in my everyday things that we never know what someone else is going through and may need whatever little kindness I can give them even if its in a store check out line. I try to not wear my heart on my sleeve but when your heart is hurting so very bad, it does get much more difficult to wear the "I am just fine" mask. I know at some point, I have to go out of my house.

I am going to look at the grief website mentioned above.

Gamgam,

I don't know how recent your loss is but I hope that it gets a little easier for you. I know how it feels to try and always put on the "happy face" for others. Sometimes it's just too hard.

I hope you like the website - it takes a little while to get used to it and maneuver around...I went to it the other day - first time in many months - and it had changed quite a bit but was still good. I made a lot of wonderful friends there. They have a message board and a chat room similar to this site.

Good luck to you...hang in there and just take it a day at a time. :hug: