Almost 60 and STILL Wrestling with My Childhood!!!
 

Why??? Sometimes I wish I could have a lobotomy so I would stop reliving the misery of my growing up years. I keep rehashing the same old hurts and mental torture my Mother put me through. I wish it would STOP!!! http://img100.imageshack.us/img100/3...nnyladygl9.gif All the bad advice and things she Pushed me into that Ruined my life. I am living now the results of all her meddeling and manipulation. How can I ever find any Peace??:o I don't want to keep thinking about all this stuff. I have been in councelling on and off all my life but enough is ENOUGH!! I don't want to think about this anymore nevermind TALK about all of it again so some other person understands where I'm coming from. I just want to forget about ALL of it and move forward but I seem to be held back by it all.

:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:
No answers... just hugs!!!

:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

Abbie

Sounds like classic PTSD....I understand. Don't know if counsiling would help...I'm trying it.

Thank you A, I guess it's all just coming to a head right now. I want to go out and be , I can't really SAY MORE social, I am NOT social at all. I never SEE anyone, I just stay by myself all the time. I feel like I am afraid all the time. There is so much hurt and rejection out there AND Danger. It's not SAFE to go out anymore. Even just going to the grocery so many things can happen. Car troubles, other drivers, muggings, target of random violence. And all this stuff isn't just in my head either, it HAS happened to me already. I walk around scowling half the time and I think my neighbors are afraid of me. But I am scowling because I am usually upset about something. You try to go out and make aquantences and nobody trusts that you are just being friendly. It's like you are some kind of threat to them. I am like this too but no one trusts anyone anymore. Everything seems to be So difficult. I love living alone, for the first time in my life but I am turning into a recluse, a hermit, that wierd old person kids make fun of.

I remember there was this old woman who lived in my neighborhood when I was growing up. EVERYONE talked about her. Her name was Millie. I had NEVER actually SEEN her but Man, the talk and stories that went around about her, I still remember that. Her house was one of the nicer ones in the neighborhood. She had beautiful gardens all around her big house and a picket fence around the whole thing. But everything was overgrown so it gave this Eerie feeling to the place. I understand now how she must have felt. She lived alone and had no children or visitors. That poor woman. :( I feel bad for her, well, did feel bad. I just couldn't understand WHY everyone talked about her the way they did. She never did anything to anyone, she was just THERE. One day, when I was a little older I DID see her outside. It was summer and she and her cat were watering her plants with a watering can. The backyard was adjacent to the beach, my beach. I went up to the fence and said hello to her. She looked very surprized that someone was actually talking to her. She sort of stuttered but smiled at me and said hello back. I don't remember what we talked about, just small talk, chit chat. She told me about her cat and what it's name was. I saw her a few more times outside in her yard after that and each time she waved at me. She eventually invited me into her house for cookies and milk. She was NOT the Ogre people had made her out to be at all. She showed me pics of her dead husband and her children who also were dead. She had no one. She was SO lonely and alone. I visited her a few times after that until one day I went to see her and the house was emptied out and locked up. Obviously, she had died, but me being just a kid I couldn't figure out what happened and no one else knew anything either. :(

As I said earlier gj. I don't want to rehash the past anymore, it serves me no purpose but to dredge up old hurts and pain. I would leave the therapist and be upset for days afterwards and I just couldn't continue to put myself through all that anymore.:o

(((Wiix))) Counseling is not for everyone. Sometimes our bad memories of the past need to just stay in the past. The more we drudge them up the worse they seem to become.

I think sometimes the biggest hurdle to get over is to forgive ourselves. When bad things happen we tend to feel some sort of guilt even though we were not the ones that did wrong. We feel we must have done something wrong to deserve what we got. Forgive yourself and then start building from there.

Look at the good that you have done, despite your home life. What you did for that lady was remarkable. By your kindness and willingness to accept her, you must have made her so happy and filled some of her lonliness. Remind yourself of that and see if there is some small thing you can do to help someone else.

While there is a lot of bad out there, I find there is more good when you really take a look around. I have an old notebook that I would write in about only good things. When things get to me, I read it and sometimes add to it. Additionally, when things get to me, I write it all down. Then I tear it up and throw it away. I feel so much better after that.

I hope you find you way through all of this. Sending you lots of cyber:hug:'s.

Thank you t. It makes me feel better to talk about this stuff. This isn't really what you'd say to a therapist, that you Really don't want to be here and talking to YOU!! :eek::D

I think about things, I mean Wierd stuff. But I also have come to some realizations about myself. I am lonely sometimes but on the whole I find people to be very difficult to be around. I can't relax with people and just be myself. If I have a guest over I feel like I should be waiting on them hand and foot and just wearing myself out and it turns into an unpleasant experience for me so I don't do it anymore.

I don't think I actually HAD the normal childhood. From the time I could stand at the sink I had to do ALL my mother's housework. I wasn't allowed friends or to go out anywhere. Everything was Just housework. She worked and travelled alot and I had to pick up HER slack. I feel now that was very unfair of her to do that to me. My thinking is all screwed up. HER social life was More important to her than I was and now I am hardwired to think all I am supposed to do is Housework, Everyday, All day. I have NO social life whatsoever and I don't know how to fix this. :(

You know, I don't ever remember having any tender memories of me and my mother. I don't ever remember her hugging me or saying she loved me. It has left a terrible hole in my heart. I did have 2 brothers and one sister but they were older and had moved out by the time I was 5. I was a very lonely little girl and now I am a very lonely big girl.

Just sending hugs. :hug: The past has a way of rearing it's ugly head doesn't it? This sounds much like PTS and like stated, counselling isn't for everyone. I wish you the best to come to terms with your past. You were not at fault for what happened and once you can forgive your mother (hard, but possible) you can then forgive yourself and move past the past. :hug:

I understand....I'm in that dilemma too....brings it all forward....'They' say the therapy is supposed to make it go away....but really....the past is what it is...will always be there, who we are....

I loved your story about the old lady...we all had them I'm sure. I'm alot like you...I have only one real friend that I see, and it's only for lunch now and again. We mostly talk by email :rolleyes:

What I think I've done is build a wall around me for self preservation...I turn on the news and it truely is a bad place out there. What I've found is that misery will find its way in, regardless of how hard we try to avoid it. I'm like a Trouble Magnet! I hope you feel better....:hug:

I just took a shower and all the while I was thinking about the chain reaction of events in my life that all stemmed from what my Mother did. My life would or could have been SO much better if she hadn't done what she did. and me being just a kid I went along with it. My own daughter is just like her and fought me tooth and nail about Everything. She took off from me when she was 18 and maybe that is what I should have done with my mother, just got as far away from her as I could but things didn't work out that way. I got Trapped in something and got stuck there. I didn't have enough sense of self to have a Self preservation Mode to go into. I just got trampled. I HATED my life. Sometimes I actually do think Why was I ever put on this Earth. I try to be positive but I think anyone who is Normal would be feeling this very same way if my life had happened to them.