To think I could have stopped him
 

My husband took his life on October 6, 2007. All I had to do was talk to him. but I couldn't. I hated him for what he was doing to us.

After a 17 year marraige and a union built so strong. This marraige struggled since 1996 after the birth of our first child.

He was my rock and my grounding place. But alcohol reighned. It was no more a social occassion, it was his daily repreive.

For years, I kept trying to bring him back to the man I married. I am not a fool. If you met him today, you would know why. He was loved by all. But I carried him, babied him, did everything for him. I was the "enabler", his rock. I crumbled.

I couldn't take it anymore. With the birth of our second child, he was at his worst and I put up with the mental and verbal abuse because of his drinking.
Rik had a very low self-esteem of himself, so he had no problem bringing everyone's faults to surfice to make him look better.

He leaned on me for everything and the resentment continued to grow.

When I gave him the ultimatitum of quitting and getting help, he slammed me with divorce papers. What he didn't realize, was that he was truly alone at that point and could not function without me.

I warned his family and friends as I could no longer talk to him. He did it. He killed himself on October 6th, 2007.

Now I am alone with two little girls and full of hatred for what he did. I will never forgive him. What now. I want to disapear, but can't because of the children.

I sold his truck today, finally. Now I don't have to look at it anymore. He took his life in the back seat.

Life used to be beautiful and we had so many dreams. Why?

Talk it all out,
you are doing the best you can and the best you could do at the time.
We can't always change the things that may drive our loved ones to such a serious action.
The hate and the "could haves " are totally normal:grouphug:

I'm so glad you don't have to look at that truck anymore! Having that constant reminder sitting out there is awful to even think about.

"to think I could have stopped him".....no, maybe prolonged his agony but you are not responsible for his death. He is. :hug:

I agree with Alffe this is not YOUR fault.

You have two beautiful little girls who really need their mom right now!

I can't imagine what you are going through, but I can say that you are not alone.

I think talking it all out is the start of the healing process. Don't beat yourself up. You were the best wife and mom you could be.

My thoughts and Prayers are with you during this time:hug:

No Hope

One of your statements strikes me. It does so because it sounds like me. When the alcohol took over all I wanted was the man I knew and loved to come back. I thought If I love him enough he would change. If I could only make him see how he had changed he would get better. If only.............If only.......for years I tried.

I decided that he wasn't going to make his life better so i had to make mine better. I left him and he took his life.

I felt guilty for a long long time. Then I started to realize that I saved myself because I could. I couldn't save him.

The man I loved was gone long before his death.

I know its hard, I know the guilt, But I also know your life is important your girls are important. Your life still can be beautiful, Your dreams will change but can be wonderful nonetheless.

HANG IN THERE
Dottie

To think I could have stopped him......I too thought that at one time. Then I thought I couldn't get him to stop drinking what makes me think Im powerful enough to have stopped this!

You are right Alffe, I would have prolonged the inevitable. I know God is totally against divorce. Both of us came from families with no divorce. I believe God made the last two years happen to strenghten me for what was to come. That is why he died 2 days before the judgement of divorce was to be finalized, cause God didn't want it to happen. Now I am torn from being a widow to that of a divorcee. I can't make up my mind on what group counseling I should be in. If I go to a divorce group, my crying will be from his death and if I go to a survivors of suicide group, no one would understand my anger. I can't afford counseling, cause I have no insurance. Can't get state assistance because I get social security.

I am so glad I can come here to talk. I really need to talk, I have so much built up inside. Even if I only get out tidbits, it still makes me feel so much better.

Thank you everyone for your kind words.

Dottie, you've worn my shoes. I hated who I'd become when I was around him. From 2004 to 2006, I kept asking myself would I be better off out of this marraige or to stay in it. The more drinking he did, the more mental damage he inflicted on me. The more I cared, he would rage that I was brainwashing him. But then watching what was happening with the children. Oh God, I should have left him long before.

I get so incredibly angry at his brother and sister for them saying that they were going to do intervention and that would have cured him. If I couldn't save him, if the thought of losing his precious little girls couldn't have saved him, what makes them think they could! I can't even talk to them! My husband's other sister died 2 weeks before him from the same addiction and they say they should have intervened with her too.

Oh, I just want to scream! I hate him! I hate his family!

I gotta go cry some more now.

Nohope, I think you should go to the suicide support group. Trust me, they understand anger!

nohope............:hug:

Remember one thing we all as individuals have freedom of choice, your husband made his. YOU DID NOT MAKE IT FOR HIM.

Accept it was his choice, and you can start to move on.

The pain and hurt he left behind now affects you and your children, he chose to end his life because for whatever reason he felt, he could not cope anymore.

You must choose now to live life, and prepare your children to live life. What happened was a nightmare... but with nightmares you do eventualy wake up.

You can choose to let his actions ruin your life and consume your waking day, or one day you can say.

'you know what! he did what he thought was best for him, now i will do wats best for me.'


Life is all about the choices we make, coupled with circumstances of life itself
We survive or do not.

Ultimately we have A CHOICE.

:GOOD LUCK DEAR LADY....:hug:...........Baby Steps...........baby steps...

David

I hated for a long time too. His family blamed me. Hell I blamed myself.

It was years before I could really celebrate my birthday. He purposely chose my birthday to do it. He wrote that he wanted me to think of him every year on MY day. Yeah,,, pretty selfish.

Hate will eat you up. I don't hate them anymore. Iam the only one that can honestly say I did everything I could to make it work.

I hate what happened, I hate the abuse I lived with, I hate what he let happen to us. But I don't hate him or his family any longer.

You will get there. I don't know you but I know the anger,
it will get better, you will probably never forget but I think in time you may forgive.

I hope you can go to a suicide support group....I wish I had. I may have healed sooner.

:hug::hug::hug: I wish I could give you a real hug!