I honestly don't know what to say
 

I have stayed away for awhile trying to get ahold upon myself. I have 2 beautiful healthly daughters trying my every patience. Their birthdays are within a month apart, now! My whole life revolves around them.

I am quiet and reading all your posts. Just silent, don't know what to say. I think the last time I responded was with David's collegue.

I need reprieve. I need help. There is no one who can wait upon me. My family is much too far away. I just need a release of all this anguish. I don't want my kids to hear it.

I am desperate. The life I lived is gone. It will never be like that again. I think about it every moment of my day. FAMILY. That's what it was and all I lived for. That break in time is forever infinite.

I can't seem to break out of this moment. Anti-depressants or not, there is no life without FAMILY.

I love all you "new posters" and grieve with you. I am just needing my "silent time".

Miss you Alfee.

Nohope:grouphug:
We can handle hearing you growl and vent a little steam its okay not wanting to talk or knowing what to say.
I wish you could get some part of a day for some "just you" time. maybe one from church or a trustable neighbor or friend could watch kids for a few hours.
it is hard not to lose yourself when being a mom. I think most of us have.
hey hows about a screech to the moon out there.... ready 1,2,3,
awooooooooo whhhhooooo aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh.
your turn ....try it. Sometimes to get rid of anger I kick my hackey sack or throw darts or break old dishes and of corse my stero plays pretty loudly someitmes too.;)
huge easy hugs nohope... :hug:
and remeber you have us here your like family to us :grouphug:
holding you in my thoughts .
PEACE
BMW

I'm trying to pick my words carefully...

You do have a family. You said it yourself; you and your daughters. That's a family. Not the classic idea of family, but a family none the less.

Your cyber family is just a point and click away. We've never met face-to-face. I still care about you.

I honestly think a big, positive, first step for you would be to change your username.

nohope.
That automatically trips you at the starting gate.

Make one small change. And hang on to it. Eventually other positive changes will become evident. And there are always positive options.

I know how bad it hurts. And I know how bad it is to pull out of a nose dive like that one. The easy way out and the soft option is always there.

We can make our pain end in an instant. But what about the pain that action would cause? There are people in your life that want you to get better. To turn it around. To make peace with the ghosts and anger that haunt all us.

I'm one of those people.

I had to get mad.
I had to cry my eyes out until it hurt to breath.
And when I was too tired to grieve... I got mad.

Mad enough to fight back. Mad enough to realize that doing the same thing over and over is only going to get me the same results. I used anger to spur a growth/evolving that was long overdue.

(((nohope)))
Make a positive change.

No honey you are not without hope...it springs eternal inside us. Moose is right...you need to redefine it...make lemonade..:rolleyes: I know that it seems impossible when you alone are responsible for two young girls lives.
They are your "hostages to fortune" as my Dad used to say of his children.

Why not try focusing on starting up your business again....with baby steps!
What are you reading that is helping you? May I suggest Finding Your Way after the Suicide of Someone You Love?

I know you hate him but he was also the love of your life. :hug: I hear the pain...I miss seeing you post but if it's easier just to read for awhile please remember that you are in our thoughts and our prayers.

There is also a wonderful CD about losing someone to suicide..warning, it does have religious overtones at times...helpful ones! I'm giving it to my grieving neighbor in the hopes that she'll benefit from it. Here is the link to it if you are interested..http://www.musicforthesoul.org/chaos.html

No one can understand the anguish of losing someone to suicide...no one can understand that it changes us forever...no one unless they have lived it.

Hugs for the room.:grouphug:

Just a hug for you and I would bet if you asked one of the mods here you could probly get a name change or maybe even a second screen name.we have some of the most understanding awesome mods and admins here. Alffe has some great advice I think I am gonna start calling a few folks here mom cus they are smart they care they share and they help . angel moms. :hug:
Prayers of wisdom courage strength healing and sunshine for you nohope.
PEACE
BMW

nohope

http://www.starthrower.com/star_thro...ory_script.htm

YOU DO AND CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE..[Learn from what you dont know, teach from what you experience, Experience life from what you do.
D. MCcALLION 2008]

Dear hohpe

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbFEnoITiWE


David:hug:

Nohope, it seems we are in a similiar place......I too have just been lurking. It hurts too much, it is overwhelming. I feel as you do, nothing will ever be the same, but more so, nothing will ever be ok again.

I know, I know....time.....to grieve, to heal.....someday.....it will be less painful, it wont be so consuming. It's not that I don't believe the words. Its that I don't know how to survive the now until then.

As for your daughters, my lil niece and nephew are as close as I will ever get to having children of my own. I couldn't love them more if they were. They live here with me, so I know what you mean about needing a break..a safe place to rant away from them. School will be out soon, so the days will no longer be a safe place to break down.

Unlike you, i do have family here. It isn't the same without Dad, but I now make sure they all know just how special they are to me. I always expressed love, now I feel a need to just make it clearer. I worry about you being so far from your family. I was wondering if you concidered moving to be closer to them? Maybe a fresh start somewhere new would be helpful to you and your children.

If that isn't possible, maybe you get someone you trust to watch them for awhile, maybe you could go on a mini retreat, somewhere you can try to let go freely. I know how hard it is, I don't know what else to say either.......just keep swimming I guess :hug:

Another bump...while it is true that words can hurt us, they also can bring comfort when it's most needed. :grouphug: