Celiac humor--got this in an email this AM
 

You know you're a celiac if...
...you've ever been caught licking a discarded Twinkie wrapper.
...at Christmas, visions of guar gum dance in your head.
...you've ever had to give a doctor a crash course in Celiac 101.
...you weep at picnics, parties, receptions and fast food joints.
...you weep at breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
...you've ever "brown bagged it" to an elegant dinner engagement.
...a 7 Course Meal is a 1 Course Meal for you. Lettuce.
...you've installed floor-to-ceiling bookcases in your bathroom.
...you've ever driven more than 40 miles to buy flour or a cookie.
...it takes you 4 hours to grocery shop and your eyesight is
ruined.
...you hyperventilate when passing by the bakery counter.
...you've ever deliberately rammed your cart into a Shredded Wheat
display in a fit of rage.
...you've ever had to take out a loan to pay the grocery bill.
...you'd gladly pay any price for a pretzel that doesn't taste like
sawdust, or bread that doesn't taste like an old shoe.
...the centerpiece on your dining room table is a bread machine with memorial candles.
...your bread looks like a moon rock and tastes like dried out Play
Doh.
...your bread weighs more than any moon rock could possibly weigh.
...one of your primary goals in life is to create "Fake Oreo
Cookies".
...you've disinherited loved ones for putting their knife in your
mayo.
...you've brought a suitcase full of food with you on a cruise.
.........You pace and circle the store three or four times when deciding on a new product, pick it up look at the ingredients, each time. Only to leave without it, figuring why bother.
...your family thinks you're crazy for not tasting their new chocolate chocolate chip cookie recipe, because surely a little nibble couldn't hurt right?
.......your financial portfolio consists of stock in two major toilet paper companies.
.......you are up late at night trying to develop a recipe for pizza without flour, cheese, yeast, tomatoes, beef, garlic and oregano.
.......you can spell transglutaminase and dermatitis herpetiformis.
......you just discovered how to make flour out of turnips.
.......you show up at the annual church pancake breakfast with a mask and sardine lettuce rollups
....having solid poop is the highlight of your day.
....you have actually doodled a new cartoon dog on your notes named "Sprue"
.....you have a sign in your kitchen saying "Gluten free environment"
.....you have actually considered using a gluten-free bagel for a hockey puck
… you have to buy extra memory for your Treo to be able to carry all your gluten-free food and restaurant suggestions
...you've mastered saying "I actually enjoy MY food" ... without your face twitching
...you know all about xanthan gum and its uses.
..you have ever dreamt about Wonder Bread.
... you hide the gluten-free cookies when guests come over, so they dont eat them.
…you read the ingredient label on green tea - plain green tea.
….you know exactly when Post added barley flavoring back to the Fruity Pebbles and you're ticked.
…..you pay relatives back east exorbitant shipping rates to send you a $12 six pack of Gluten-free beer.
…you cried when you saw your usually careful husband brushing the crumbs off his hands (from making a gluten-containing sandwich) RIGHT OVER the open utensil drawer
….there is a separate cabinet in your kitchen dedicated solely to all your supplements (vitamins, BCQ, digestive enzymes, etc.)
…you hear of a new health food store opening in a city close by and get ridiculously excited only to drive there, spend 2 hours walking around the place, reading labels, only to leave empty handed
….you talk about your disease (not the unpleasant parts) so much to your friends and acquaintances that your husband tells you you need to get another hobby
...you take a list of safe drinks to the bar with you. And actually consult it before you order a drink.
...you see someone buying rice flour in the bulk section and you just have to ask them if they are gluten intolerant too!
…it drives you crazy when someone says they completely understand your diet, they did Atkins.
....people roll their eyes at you when you say "no thank you" to someone's gluten filled dessert
..... You've refused things as "simple" as gum or sucking candies because you don't know if they're safe.
..... You talk about endoscopy's and colonoscopy's like these are normal everyday occurences that everyone gets nearly every year.
...You've ever watched your own -scopy, and asked the doc to point out anything cool.
..... Your friend invites you over for your birthday and want to make you a gluten free birthday cake but you plead with them not to, because although you're trying to seem like you don't want to put them through the hassle, you're secretly terrified there will be cross contamination.
..your 'favorites' sites are mostly celiac sites;
...you hugged a chef for making you special meals every time you walk in.
…You've mastered the art of lying when other people ask you if you're hungry.
...you go to a potluck at a friends place and your dish is gluten-free. You dive into it first so that you get something to eat before others contaminate it.
... you long to look at the contents of other people's fridges and pantries just to see what normal people eat.
…. You spend all morning on celiac.com forums.

Oh Deb! There are some real gems in there!

-Valerie

These are the ones that got me laughing so hard, I cried. I have to show my Con when he wakes up. He'll love it.

I could relate to a few more than these, but these were MY favorites :D .

That was a fun read with my morning coffee. Thanks!!:)

Here are mine (the first one applies just now because I'm thinking of making Christmas cookies and wondering if I should use the 'gums' this year :rolleyes: :

You know your the mom of a Celiac if you...
-know when Wheat Starch was added back to Trix and
-you sat your big pregnant behind on the floor of the grocery store to take every box of Trix off the bottom shelf looking at every box -- setting GF on the left and wheat laced on the right, then loading your cart with a dozen plus boxes of the old formula Trix!:D

That had to be a sight and I got stares too -- if only they knew why...

...you've ever had to give a doctor a crash course in Celiac 101.

I think nearly everyone of us has done this one. I gave a crash course to a doctor who told me his son is celiac, that he can't have barley. I gave him an immediate crash course. Duh!!!!!